


The Single-Track Mind of James T. Kirk

by Benedicthiddleston



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Graduates, Academy Students, Andoria, Angst, Attempted Murder, Bonding, Death, Drabbles, Dubious Morality, Federation, Fights, Five Year Mission, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Jim being Jim, Klingons, Love, M/M, Missions, Mystery, New Cultures, New Races, New Species, New Vulcan, Pon Farr, Randomness, Savior Complex, T'hy'la, Teacher Kirk, Teasing, Uncertainty, Vulcans, admirals, delegates, injuries, messes, migraines, telepaths, unexplored space
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-01-07 03:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 329
Words: 97,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1114990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Benedicthiddleston/pseuds/Benedicthiddleston
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim's personal relationship log, a drabble a day about anything and everything in the life of Kirk, and Spock, while on their five year mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Transmission 2262.001

**Author's Note:**

> Basically small ramblings of the mind of one James T. Kirk, transmissions sent each day of the year to his mother (with twists, turns, and some other stuff). I am going to write for a year, each day (preferably). It'll mostly center around their relationship, but KNOWING Jim - he'll probably wander off onto crew members, friends, the past, etc. And the Stardates are consistent with the idea that the first four digits are the year, and the last three digits are the day. So 2262.32 would be February 1st, 2262. Don't worry, I'll also put the Calendar day along with the appropriately Stardate. I'm taking liberties, I know.
> 
> Back story: Kirk and Spock are in a relationship. The crew are two years into their five year mission. (I may or may not include this, much, much later, into my Five Year Mission series.) It all begins January 1st, 2262....

**January 1st, 2262**

I don't know why he wants me to do this - I already do my Captain's log, which is already highly personal, but isn’t exactly directed at anyone. SPOCK, WHY AM I DOING THIS?

"You expressed a thoughtful interest in communicating our relationship to your mother."

See this is why I love this guy – he sincerely remembers stuff I could care less about. And okay, I might have said that once… But anyway, I really don’t know why I’m doing this. Because it’s like – like almost POINTLESS. My mother is in ANOTHER part of space, and she has met you ONCE, Spock! Okay, I don’t know, I really – she doesn’t want these blurbs about our silly life.

“Captain, I am 99.9% sure our lives are not ‘silly’, as you say.”

Now he interrupts me. MOM, I’M JUST SAYING, OUR LIVES ARE SILLY. I’m Captain of a Constitution-Class ship, and I am FUCKING my First Officer. I think that about rounds out the ‘silly’ part of our lives, Spock.

And now he doesn’t want to answer. Anyway, I guess I will… send another one of these off… tomorrow… I might be more professional, maybe. Whatever. Fuck, I’m horny. SPOCK.

BYE MOM.


	2. Transmission 2262.002

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for such a warm show of support and interest! I hope I don't disappoint :) 
> 
> I know they are short - I actually am disappointed in that fact, but I wanted it to be something that kind of stretched over the year, and if I'm writing one once a day, I'm not writing a ton. But I will attempt to write longer entries on the days I have off (I've worked the past two days). If you have any suggestions, don't hesitate to comment! Thanks!!

**January 2nd, 2262**

Hey mom. I still don't know why I am doing this. Especially when these transmissions will take - oh gosh, months to get to you??? Even though you have to hand it to Uhura - she knows her stuff. Actually, mom, my whole crew knows what they are doing. They are brilliant, sophisticated, brave, and selfless in everything they do. I have the best crew, and honestly, I wouldn't want to be Captain without them.

Spock, regardless of our personal relationship (we are a huge thing and I'll get more into that in the days to come), is a rock that never moves. But he's good at it. It has probably saved my ass more then I should count, but that's why I love him. And then - everyone. Mom, this crew is the best thing to ever happen to me. I know you've only met them once, right before we left on this crazy mission - oh the stories I have to tell, and the SCARS. Bones won't let up on the ranting because of it. I swear he gets worse every time I end up in his medbay. That's another story for another time. Okay, yeah, I gotta go see what is taking Spock so long. Bye!

 


	3. Transmission 2262.003

**January 3 rd, 2262**

So, Spock. Spock, Spock, Spock, Spock, Spock. He's manning the bridge for me right now because I started feeling unwell. Granted I can take pain like no other, but it's a brewing headache, and mom, I know I got them from you. Don't even argue that fact. I remember nights when you were home, and –

Nevermind. I don’t want to talk about this.   
  
I would have gone to sickbay, but Bones was like, "I will come to you, you ungrateful wretch" – which, come to think of it, he would say that to me. See, I have amazing friends. And Bones always insults me. It’s force of habit. And I know you weren’t that happy that my closest _friend_ is my CMO, mom, but I mean – come on. He’s BRILLIANT at his job. And, between you and me, he’s probably saved me from death more times than I can count. Even that ONE time – you know what I’m talking about.  
  
Ugh, my head is killing me. But, yeah, back to Spock. Spock is amazing. Spock is one-of-a-kind. He's logical, mom. He's Vulcan - half-Vulcan. And okay, he's fucking awesome in bed. I think we are about five seconds away from marriage - and I think both bonding Vulcan style and human marriage wouldn't be too far to surpass. But we've only broached the subject once, and Spock is a bit touchy on said subject. What do you think mom? Should I just say fuck it all and marry him? Or am I jumping the gun? I mean, we've been together for like - eight months now. And we LIVE ON A STARSHIP TOGETHER. Nothing is stopping us! It would be, uh, nice if you were here for it… but I guess that might be next to impossible. Any way the _Nebula_ could come out of hiding in deep space for five seconds? MAYBE?!  
  
I think I hear Bones. We’ll talk about this later. I hope he brought the good stuff....


	4. Transmission 2262.004

**January 4th, 2262**

So, yesterday. It actually was a migraine. Bones is a miracle worker, thankfully. Even if he made me crawl in bed with the lights off after giving me a really crazy cocktail of pain medications that even I don’t know all the names of. Spock came around an hour later and cuddled before we both fell asleep. I have the best crew.

We’re on our way to a nearby planetoid that supposedly wants to join the Federation. Heck, I didn’t know the Federation was much known around these parts. Or am I just dreaming? We are on a five year deep space mission, _right?_ I AM CAPTAIN OF A STARSHIP, RIGHT?! Oh boy, losing my mind. I think we’re up for shore leave in like, three weeks. I’m going to need some serious rest and recreation – with Spock, of course. Even though he’s so logical, I’m sure it’ll just be a bore. For him, that is.

Anyway, I honestly am not sure I am up for this type of diplomacy. Okay, yes, been there, done that a few hundred times – we’ve been at this for over two years. I just… something about this whole situation is bugging me. We get there in three days. Spock has made me read the official assignment a few _thousand_ times in the past week. Something about missing important details or something like that. Which is what is making me so worried. Welcome to my life!

So, I guess… that’s probably enough rambling for the day. I’m kind of serious about Spock. Mom, it is like – well, I’ve never had this much affection for anyone before. It might be contagious. Even though I wonder if Uhura is slightly jealous. Granted, they had a thing like, three _years_ ago… anyway, almost time for my shift. BYE!

 


	5. Transmission 2262.005

** January 5th, 2262 **

I may or may not have just worked most of Beta shift in Engineering. I’m a mess. I ache in places I didn’t know _could_ ache. And I think I have grease in places I didn’t know _existed_ until now. Like, this one spot behind my _ear_ , and in my hair, and ugh. Okay, yes, I get the talented engineering/physics/adrenaline junky gene from you, mom, but I’m a Captain for a reason. AND NO, WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT ON THE FACT I HAVE OVERRIDE POWER IN EVERY AREA OF MY SHIP. Been there, done that, hopefully no one will ever be able to break past my coding anyway.

Though, I probably could live ninety eight percent of my life hanging out with my Chief of Engineering, Montgomery Scott. Oh, yeah, you remember him, don’t you, mom? Before he was sent to Delta Vega, he had one mission that involved following _you_ around. Back when you actually hung out around earth and let Starfleet use you appropriately. And don’t even give me that look. You are a brilliant engineer, and yet you are wasting it on a really tiny ship that has four living souls, one of them being _yours_. Out in such deep space even I don’t think I wanna go that far. Don’t get lost, please. I had that fear as a kid. I don’t want it to continue into whatever adulthood this is.

Which, for mentioning that said adulthood, you do realize that I am one hundred and thirty five percent sure Spock is the one? I’ve matured, mom. And you aren’t around to see it.

I don’t know what to feel.

I’m too tired for this right now.  


	6. Transmission 2262.006

**January 6th, 2262**

We’re supposed to reach the planetoid tomorrow. There is nothing to do on the bridge as of late, so I really have been roaming my ship, helping _everywhere_. Except Sickbay. Bones is very protective of his space, so I’m not allowed in unless I’m, ya know, dying or something. I think his exact words were:

“JIM, SO HELP ME, THE ONLY TIME I WANT YOU HELPING OUT IN MY SICKBAY IS WHEN YOU ARE BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE.”

I still don’t see his point.

The paperwork right now is awful.

But I guess I can’t complain. Spock has been extra “friendly” – now I’m scared. Oh, and all the debriefings we are having about this upcoming diplomatic mission. Is it kind of weird a _planetoid_ has warp capability? Okay, that might be _crazy_.


	7. Transmission 2262.007

**January 7 th, 2262**

We have reached planetoid XL1567. The natives haven’t actually named their planetoid. Crazy, right? Anyway, it is going to be a busy day. A really busy day. Technically Spock won’t let me leave the ship (something about the last time I went down _unprepared_. Um, I’ve been reading the assignment every day for hours. How am I _unprepared?_ ), so that means I’m juggling stuff from up here while they are down there. Spock is going down with Bones to say hello. They seriously are ganging up on me, I swear it! We have been at this for two years – and now I can’t even leave my own _ship_.

“JIM, I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!”

I can’t get one moment of peace.


	8. Transmission 2262.008

I am early, but that is because of... A recent development. It's just after 0300 up here on the _Enterprise_. Been up negotiating the release of... Of...

Mom, they took Spock. Because he wasn't "human". I don't understand. This planetoid wants to join the Federation, but are obviously xenophobic. At least to everyone not human! And Spock is HALF human. I don't know what they are doing to him. I have been attempting to calm their anger, asking them what they want. It has been over fifteen hours. The conditions he could be in may be less than optimal and I hate to think about losing him. Bones came back up to the ship with a broken right hand and left foot because he tried to get Spock back. He was pissed.

I am worried, mom. So worried. I need him. I don't know what they are going to do with him. No one is getting sleep while we negotiate. I have a horrible feeling about this mom. And I haven't even left my ship! I should never have left Spock go alone! This is my responsibility!

Uhura is watching and listening to all frequencies, listening to chatter. Their language is surprisingly simple, and a little like Spanish on Earth.

_Captain, I am picking up the word for "prisoner." They aren't saying Spock's name outright, but they also keep yelling "outsider." It sounds like they may be headed in performing a-a sacrifice to their gods._

I will be right there.

Oh no. This is sooo not happening to me. Sacrifice??? I gotta go.


	9. Transmission 2262.009

**January 9th, 2262**

I... They... Spock is... I can't do this right now.

 _Jim's leaves his morning transmission hanging, and comes back to it later that evening_.

I've been trying to distract myself all day. It isn't working. We... we took off _away_ from that planetoid. Definitely not joining the Federation. Not after... not....

Bones says he'll be fine, but I can't determine that myself. When I beamed down, the color.... green... _so much blood_. They had slit his neck and were chanting something. Uhura wouldn't translate, but the look on her face was all I needed to determine that we were fucked. I... I might have used a ton of force to get to Spock, but once my arms were around his waist, I ordered a beam up. I materialized covered in Spock's blood. Bones, in all his brokenness already, took charge. Spock... he's in a healing trance, but that doesn't mean he'll live. He lost _so much blood_. I fucking _hate_ the color green. It is  _awful_ , mom. Awful. 

And I can't lose him. I _can't lose Spock_. This isn't fair. He is MY RESPONSIBILITY. MY CREW ARE MY RESPONSIBLITY and I FAILED them. I failed them because they want to protect _me_. And they can't. Shit like this happens. I won't LET THEM. It isn't fair. It... it isn't _fair_. I... I failed them, miserably. I'm supposed to protect them. I will always protect them. I will always stand up for them, always put them before myself. I would rather put myself in danger than see them hurt. I... it is what I did when I went into the warp core. It is what I have done countless times on dangerous missions to ensure _their_ safety.

And I could lose Spock because of failing to assert my responsiblity.

I... this is too much for me right now. Too much.


	10. Transmission 2262.010

** January 10th **

I had to sedate Jim. He's been a bit more tense than usual and hasn't slept since Spock was taken prisoner, let alone when Spock entered medical, locked in a healing trance. Jim won't eat, sleep, or stay in his quarters long enough to manage any semblance of caring for himself adequately. He won't leave Spock's side for more than a few minutes. Heck, he handed the conn to Sulu and said "Take care of her." Like it was a parting wish. I am worried Jim may lose it if Spock doesn't regain consciousness, but knowing Spock, the green-blooded hobogoblin will.

Spock is doing okay though, as much as any Vulcan can be doing in a healing trance after massive blood loss. His heart still beats, his chest still rises and falls. Jim just doesn't realize the healing trance will take time. Spock shows no signs of discomfort but also no signs of waking up any time soon. Jim just gets overly overwhelmed and ridiculously protective where Spock is concerned.

I am watching over both of them right now. Jim will be back in no time. I just didn't want to leave you hanging for a long period of time, Mrs. Kirk. Jim mentioned doing these transmissions once a day and I didn't want to disappoint. I will keep you updated if I have to keep Jim sedated for more than the next 24 hours.

Hope you are doing well. Dr. McCoy out.


	11. Transmission 2262.011

**January 11 th, 2262**

He fucking sedated me. Bastard. Oh and he decided to send you a transmission. Seriously??? While I was out??? BONES! WHAT THE HELL?!  
  
"Jim, damn it, I didn't want your mother to worry!"  
  
It was ONE day! ONE DAY! She might not even get these until, like, the middle of the _year_. She would have been FINE!  
  
"He is just mad I drugged him, Mrs. Kirk. He'll be over it within the hour."  
  
BONES, GO AWAY!  
  
Finally, I have peace and quiet. And for his information, being sedated was not restful, however he wants to believe that illogical fallacy that sedation somehow allows rest. Just like comas are NOT rest – and boy does he like to bring that one up. He should know better.  
  
Spock is still out. Nothing has changed on that front. Except apparently Command wants answers as to why that diplomatic shit mission didn't follow through. OH, I DONT KNOW, MY FIRST OFFICER WAS ALMOST MURDERED FOR NOT BEING HUMAN?! I think that is complete and PERFECT grounds for not just a NO, but HELL NO. Planetoid with warp capability, my ass.  
  
I cannot right now.  
  
Someone really pushed the wrong buttons. Oh god, why am I the Captain of the flagship for the Federation?!! They _really_ hate me, mom. They really do.  
  
 _Captain, Admiral Barnett is requesting a conference call._  
  
*Jim runs a hand down his face* Ugh. Okay, yes, thank you, Lieutenant, I will take it here in my quarters.  
  
Later, mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moral of the story: don't. get. on. Jim's. bad side. Even though we all know he's emotionally wrung up right now because of Spock. He'll look back and feel like an ass... right?


	12. Transmission 2262.012

**January 12th, 2262**

I don't know what to do, honestly. Spock is showing absolutely no signs of waking up. Heck, if he does wake up, will he be the same person he was before they tried to murder him? 

How did we miss the VITAL fact they were xenophobic against anyone who wasn't human? How did we miss that? I just, I don't get it. Nothing in the assignment read into that at all. I feel like we were mislead and Spock was lead straight into a trap. A trap. That had to be what it was. Planned. But, really, over two years into this five-year space exploration mission, and what, someone wants Spock dead? Now that sounds crazy. It makes ME sound crazy.

I talked to Ambassador Spock. You met him once, mom. Like, how crazy is it we have someone from an alternate universe in our universe? Another version of Spock. That isn't so bad, even though the logic is multipled ten fold. Even though, no, you aren't allowed to wheedle info from him. He won't tell me anything, why would you tell you?! Anyway, he said this healing trance could go on for a while. But he just doesn't know what will happen if and when Spock comes out of it. 

Barnett is pissed. Normal, right? He has never been happy with me. Somehow I really do think it was all Pike pulling the strings for me. Sometimes I think people are ignorant of my genius tendencies. But, I can't let that get to my head. I have damage control to perform.

And isn't that just the role of Captain?

Ugh.


	13. Transmission 2262.013

**January 13 th, 2262**

So maybe Bones was right to sedate me the other day. I haven't been caring for myself because of Spock. Heck, I can barely remember the last thing I ate. I just worry, mom. I worry about losing those I care about. I worry about not being able to save them. Never mind my own well being. Which, in turn, worries them. Which is the opposite of what I want. It is like there is no happy middle with the circumstances we have always governed ourselves by. I won’t let harm get to them, but they don’t want me harmed. It is such a fine line. No wonder Spock was trying to protect me. He always has been protecting me, ever since the beginning.

I knew I liked him for a reason. Honestly, I don’t know what took us so long to start a relationship. Probably our duties, really. Being the Captain and the First Officer of the _Enterprise_ is no easy task. Too many people, too many souls to care for on a daily basis. Even if Spock does tend to object to my many masterful skills in helping out around _all_ part of the ship. So I tend to use my hands a lot – at least stuff gets _fixed_.

Of course, back to the fact he is just worried about my safety.

I wish he would wake up. This… this silence from him is wearing me down.

 _Jim, you better come to Medical,_ now.

I’ll be back, mom.

 _Five hours and forty seven minutes later, Jim is back at the screen_.

HE WOKE UP. MOM, SPOCK WOKE UP. AND HE’S NOT DAMAGED! So he can’t leave Medical yet because Bones is like, freaking out over some test results, but Spock is – he is _fine._ I couldn’t be happier right now. I gotta go. Back to Spock. I – I’ll send another transmission tomorrow.

BYE MOM!


	14. Transmission 2262.014

** January 14th, 2262 **

“Will you SIT STILL, SPOCK?!!”

“Doctor, I am perfectly fine. I am breathing normally. I-“

“Except I don’t like these fluctuations!”

“It is an after-effect of the healing trance. I will be at optimal level in another day or so. I would like to return to my quarters.”

Hey mom, it’s Jim. Spock and Bones are at it again. Mostly because Bones is still trying to figure out how healing trances work, and Spock doesn’t really care to give him an edge on that kind of information. Especially since I think Spock is embarrassed by the fact he has a fading scar on his neck.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate green?

“Damn it, Spock, I need you to stay here for another twenty-four hours. I need to make sure you are okay.”

“Doctor, I am, as the Captain would say, ‘fine’.”

He would say that mom, Spock would so say that. It’s kind of funny watching them banter. I swear I have the best crew – especially when it comes to Spock and Bones. I’m not entirely sure where I would be without my First Officer and Chief Medical Officer.

So far, nothing exciting happening except watching these two bicker. The ship is purring like a kitten and Scotty is just doing minor upgrades until we get to the next Starbase in a week or two. Barnett has been notified that Spock is awake, but Bones won’t let him debrief yet. Probably once he lets Spock leave Medical, but of course, as you can hear, that isn’t happening yet.

“No, I will not let you leave. Period. You will lie down and rest. End of discussion.”

“Of course, Doctor.”

And Barnett has issued our next assignment: three uninhabited planets near the Romulan neutral zone that no one has searched before. We are headed there now.

Space. And somehow I am still stuck wandering around at the whims of Admirals.

Lovely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because these are so short, I try my best to proofread and edit a few times, but sometimes, especially if I wrote the drabble on my iPhone notepad, I miss things. I am so sorry :/ Hit me if you notice anything that doesn't make sense. I am trying to be consistent and to keep out errors.
> 
> Thanks :)


	15. Transmission 2262.015

** January 15th, 2262 **

“Jim, listen to me-“

MOM. TELL HIM TO LEAVE ME ALONE!

“Fucking hell, Jim, when is she even going to _get_ this transmission, let alone respond fast enough to tell me to stop? The last time your mother even agreed with you was – oh, wait, _not since I’ve known you_.”

Not my problem. Nor my idea of a good time. I don’t need that vaccination, and you know it.

“Except you don’t know what we will encounter at our next stop, and you seem to forget that you are, oh, _I don’t know_ , allergic to everything?! It’s a safety precaution, Jim. When did you become so stubborn?”

When I died. Now will you leave me alone?

*an audible sigh from Bones* “Fine. Meet me in Sickbay at 1900 hours and we will discuss Spock.”

*a pregnant pause*

I shouldn’t have said that, I know. But I’m frustrated. Bones won’t – he won’t let Spock leave Sickbay, and I am currently struggling with Command to secure shore leave. I think half my crew is going to go _nuts_ if we don’t get some much needed off time. It actually has been over six months since our last shore leave. And I am supposed to be vouching for them. Unfortunately, with our current mission parameters, Command isn’t budging. We will be stopping at Starbase 26 next week after this round of planet explorations, but it isn’t shore leave.

So far Spock is being a grouch – if Vulcans can be called that. He’s acting that way only because the Science labs are basically falling apart (not really, but he seems to think that, even though it is highly illogical), and there was something in there about actually doing duties pertaining to First Officer. And he – he basically ignores the fact this latest incident kind of killed me inside. And he won’t talk about it. He won’t – he won’t give me a word in edge wise. I need to talk to him about this. Doesn’t he see that? He almost _died_. I almost lost my lover. And yet he doesn’t even care.

It is like I don’t care. Not anymore.

And what am I supposed to do with that?


	16. Transmission 2262.016

**January 16 th, 2262**  
  
Hmmm, what to discuss first? So, Spock is finally out of Sickbay and thoroughly engrossed in the science labs. He still won't speak to me, and I honestly do not know what to do with him right now. He obviously hasn't changed, but something in our relationship has. I can't tell if it was because I let him go down there without me, or because of something else. I can't read him. Not that it has been easy reading him over the years. Nope, definitely not easy reading him at all at any point in our acquaintance years, our working relationship, friendship, and now romantic relationship. But I can - there is a lot I can understand about him because he is logical. This? This going on right now? Not logical. Completely and utterly _illogical_. He just had a near death experience, and now won't talk to me. I… I poured my heart and soul out to him basically when I died, and now he doesn’t even acknowledge my _presence_ unless it has something to do with the fact he is First Officer. He hasn’t come back to my quarters. We used to – he used to sleep with me. We used to – I can’t right now, mom. He’s abandoned me, and I don’t understand WHY.

*Jim runs a hand down his face*Ugh, I need some good, hard alcohol. Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but Scotty has the best in engineering. Bones just lacks in the hardcore alcohol category since he is all fine and dandy from fucking Georgia and it has to be some freaking fancy shit – and it is all in his office. And I lived in Iowa drinking beer and shots. His point???

Anyway, it is almost time for my on-call shift. This system is actually nice. One shift on the bridge, one shift off, one shift on-call, and then it all kind of flops around sometimes depending on who needs relief and if Spock is on or off. And Bones released him to work in all capacities, so…

Well, I will talk to you tomorrow, mom.

Love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that I run off to the Jack Ryan premiere at the local theater *my unending love for Chris Pine knows absolutely no bounds*


	17. Transmission 2262.017

**January 17 th, 2262**  
  
Spock finally... He came to me, Mom. And he - he apologized (which of course he didn’t have to, but of course, we both seem to be rather illogical half the time). He didn't mean to cause me undue harm. He... He just needed time to think, or as he put it ‘meditate’, which I also know is important for him. And I let him. I kept… I kept my distance. But he saw my distress nonetheless. I mean, I know one day we maybe do want to get bonded, but we obviously aren't there yet. Not with the issues we still need to work out.  
  
He told me he lost a lot of blood (which duh, I knew that, color green is shit), and the last thought he had before losing consciousness was being worried about me. About ME! He was dying and worried about ME. He went on to say that being treated differently as a half Vulcan, half human being has always been the norm. Xenophobia has always been in his life. It wasn't new. It wasn't even his first death threat. But the fact he was in a relationship with me made him worried about me – worried about my retaliation and how I would see the situation. Even though worrying about that seems almost _pointless_. Because fuck, he would have been _dead_. And then he goes on to tell me his worry surpassed not just my actions or my view of the situation, but my love for him. And how much it was going to kill me inside.  
  
Which of course this all lead into when he woke up, and it wasn't what he expected. Obviously we left the planetoid behind, but I didn't... I wasn't my usual destructive self - which apparently is saying a lot because in my defense, Spock beat up Khan because I died. Dramatic much? But he also had far more troubles with my death than I did with his near death experience. Because I – I had hope he could come back. Maybe not the same, but he had a much higher chance of coming back to the living than I EVER did without… without Khan’s blood. And Spock – he just wanted to give me space while giving himself some space. Because we have a lot to work on, obviously.

I mean, what am I supposed to do with THAT explanation of the past few days? Because don’t get me wrong, I’ll take it. I really will. But Spock – _he’s back_. He’s back, and I’m not going to lose him again. I can’t. And at this point, I am about ready to confine him to the ship for the rest of our damn five year exploration mission.

Because shit like this isn’t going to happen again.


	18. Transmission 2262.018

**January 18 th, 2262**

Actually, I’m pretty sure it is milk runs like these type of missions, of which I bow to the whims of fucking Admirals, in which I get the most bored. Even if Scotty keeps begging us to find a Starbase at one point so we can fix a few things. So I have to tweak the replicators once every eight hours – it isn’t like I can’t do it. But it does get kind of tedious when we’ve been doing it for the past four days and somehow we can’t even get to the nearest Starbase. And they still won’t give us shore leave. I swear, politics is my least favorite task in this job. Especially when, if I STOP bowing to the whims of fucking Admirals, I lose my damn crew – not to mention their moral.

And I don’t think Scotty wants to go back to Delta Vega. Nor does Spock went to somehow end up on another ship while I’m stuck somehow catering to, well, Admirals. They would rather I was stuck at the Academy or some nonsense. I mean, um. What do they want of me?! And have I not done what they have asked? We are HOW many years into this mission? One specifically designed for the _Enterprise_ herself? A mission catered to their flagship, their poster boy? Which is ME?!!! Damn it, I hate politics.

I just wish I could have some leverage. Something. Anything. Because I obviously don’t have any. Obviously that last stunt hurt us drastically. But what am I supposed to do when my First Officer almost DIES?!!!

Command is about five seconds away from giving me a migraine again. But really, what do I have to do to protect my crew?! Especially this far out in space.

I should have figured it would all come back to haunt me.

Things have got to be easier for you, mom. I’m pretty sure of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: Jack Ryan is awesome :D


	19. Transmission 2262.019

**January 19 th, 2262**

So…. Okay, really, there is nothing to report. Nothing has changed from yesterday. Absolutely nada. Other than Spock started sleeping with me again. He gets really cuddly when he wants to. It’s kind of adorable. And holy crud, the sex is fantastic.

Don’t tell him I said that. He would probably roll his eyes Vulcan style.

It would be nice to be married. I mean, yes, the crew knows we are together. It is REALLY difficult to keep a relationship secret on an enclosed Star ship in the middle of space, especially when surrounded by 400+ other humanoid and some non-humanoid beings that have only themselves to gossip about. And oi – the gossip is RAMPANT. Plus we get very little outside contact, especially with loved ones. The reason shore leave is SO important. But what I am meaning to say is that Command doesn’t exactly know we are in a relationship. And I hate to know what they say when they find out. I mean, the horror stories of couples, legit married too (I am not sure if Vulcan bonding is considered actual marriage in the eyes of Command. The Federation, probably, seeing as New Vulcan and their inhabitants are legal citizens of the Federation), who were separated – I mean, what will they think when they find out the Captain and First Officer of the _Enterprise_ are – well, to put it lightly, FUCKING?!

It will make the damn news. And I’m not ready for that. And I won’t let them take Spock from me. I will resign before that happens. We can live a peaceful, happy, non-dangerous life on New Vulcan or something. 

Granted, I don’t even know what will happen when and if we bond. We will have to go to New Vulcan as it is. I know – I know Spock still has to get permission. His betrothed from when he was young… well, she perished when Vulcan was destroyed. Like so many others. And I don’t know if he will be okay bonding again, even with me. Heck, will they let me bond with him? I’m human for goodness sakes. Then again, Spock did… he’s faced xenophobia his whole life. Even from his damn family. Because he is half human and half Vulcan. And I don’t think that is fair. To be treated differently just because of certain – certain GENES. His mother, I’m sure, was the kindest. The best for Spock. After all, they were… family.

It is a lot to try to organize in my mind. I’m sure I will figure it all out. Right now I guess we just continue with our routine. Boringly traveling from one mission to the next. Still pushing on the Admiralty. The life of a Star ship Captain.

Love you, mom.  


	20. Transmission 2262.020

**January 20 th, 2262**

Sometimes I wonder if I record these and then they get lost in space or maybe I am falling on deaf ears. For all I know you could have died, mom. It is a weird feeling. Even though I know it isn't true. Just... The amount of space between us right now, especially with how long news takes in traveling around here - it's too far.  
  
They denied my request for shore leave. No word on the Starbase. So, I vaguely remember actually having a date with Starbase 26 not that long ago, but oh, right – Command diverted my plans _completely_. Heck, they weren’t even MY plans. I was following THEIR ORDERS. I basically wanted to have one hell of a fucking row with Barnett, but it wasn't worth it. I wish... I wish Pike was still around. It wouldn't be like this. It just... It wouldn't. I wouldn't feel powerless or helpless to help my crew. We have been at this for two years. What more do they want? What do they want from me??? Some sort of obedience??

Something is going on. They haven’t been this assholish since, well, Khan.

Anyway, we should be at our next designated spot tomorrow. It’s funny to say ‘tomorrow’ – especially when space doesn’t have a time like earth does. But we still use Earth’s solar days because it’s a good measurement of time. Non-humanoids adjust to our time restraints – plus it’s why we have people up and around when most of us are asleep. It’s a good system.

I’ll be back tomorrow. Spock wanted me down in the labs like, four minutes ago. Oops.


	21. Transmission 2262.021

**January 21 st, 2262**

Spock and I are about to go down to the first planet on our newest mission. Scans reveal – absolutely _nothing_ , other than we get to go in environment protection suits because the area isn’t breathable. We haven’t looked into the other two planets nearby that we will be visiting. I think the best part about this is the science we can glean from plants and animals that aren’t of our world that can breathe air that we as humans cannot live in. So, technically, the planet isn’t a class M because we wouldn’t survive. But I forget the classification it is. Command didn’t exactly state it; they just gave the coordinates and said ‘have fun’ in SO MANY WORDS.

Maybe I am paranoid. What if something is up about these planets? Or is this truly a routine mission parameter they wanted their flagship to do while fucking around the universe?

I say this in all sincerity – mom, you are not missing much.


	22. Transmission 2262.022

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically I'm on time in my time zone, but I feel like, incredibly late with this. Work went WAAAY over today, and I'm kind of in some pain... so this is like, overdue and short. kjaskldfjkalsjdf oops.

**January 22nd, 2262**

Well, this seems almost like a waste of time.

Granted, mom, the planet from yesterday was actually really interesting. I swear Spock is like, living in the labs right now running experiments and cataloging all the new specimens gathered. Each specimen has a neat contain that allows it to live in the gases we can't breathe, so it can keep living. Spock just manipulates the experiments from the outside. Technology is fantastic. We don't even have to touch stuff to see what it does!

Really, yesterday's planet exploration was like, to the book, perfect, and truly inspiring. It reminded me of _why_ I am a Star ship captain and why I enjoy exploring out in space so much. It like, brought me back to my Academy days. It was amazing. And Spock is glowing and so fucking _proud_ , I cannot. He's a joy to be around right now. Even though he is crazy busy.

He didn't come down with us today to the second planet. In fact, the second planet was truly boring - no planet life whatsoever. The air wasn't breathable, so back in the environmental suits we were. There were strange uh, snake-like animals, but it seemed there was nothing that could be even specified as planet life. I think the snake-like creatures went into holes. They weren't particularly afraid of us, but they didn't really care about us, if ya know what I mean.

Overall, it was actually really - boring. Today was boring.

Well, I have to go drag Spock out of the labs to eat something. He claims he doesn't need the rest and he will meditate tomorrow - but he said that _yesterday_ too. Apparently I need to be as demanding as he is with me when I'm - well, when I am whatever the fuck I am all the time. 

I think I'm whipped. Am I whipped?!


	23. Transmission 2262.023

**January 23 rd, 2262**

I’ve done twenty two of these things. This is my twenty third transmission. I seem to be on a roll.

The third planet isn’t even worth mentioning. We didn’t go down. Spock noticed something while being my First Officer for five seconds (he’s mostly attesting to the fact sciency shit is going down and he needs to be Chief Science Officer. Of course he gets to say that… logical my ass…), and even the environmental suits wouldn’t have saved us from danger. So, we didn’t go down. I feel like each planet slowly got more boring, and more dangerous as we went. Huh. Weird.

Anyway, we technically need our next orders, but really, we can tool around and do whatever because we’re explorers and hmm, I suppose we are on a five year mission to FUCKING EXPLORE WITHOUT ADMIRALS HANGING OVER OUR HEADS.

I am so frustrated right now with them. Politics – a damning thing if I’ve encountered it.

Why am I in Starfleet again?

At least Spock knows how to keep me in check and sane. What would I do without him?


	24. Transmission 2262.024

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of swearing. It's Jim. Thanks for understanding.

**January 24th, 2262**  
  
Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT! Spock and I are fucked. Admiral Komack (asshole) has demanded the presence of the _Enterprise_ at Star base twenty six in seven days for a strictly confidential, highly important Command meeting with himself and Admiral Barnett. The topic: no fucking idea. They won't tell me. All I know is that we are on our way there now.  
  
Ya know, we were originally supposed to go to Star base twenty six for fixes and crew exchange (apparently a few ensigns and one of my best security personal desire a transfer? Talk about ouch. I… I did accept their transfer orders) and then command says NO, just like they are still saying no to shore leave, and NOW we are summoned to Star base twenty six OUT OF THE BLUE for a fucking unknown, highly _important_ meeting. Not my words, Komack’s.  
  
Spock and I are screwed. They found out about our relationship (HOW I will NEVER know, plus I don’t see what the big DEAL is) and now they are going to separate us. Worst case scenario, they will demote one or both of us along with separating us. Honestly, I will resign before that happens. I would rather not be in Starfleet then being separated from Spock. We are a well established, pretty damn flawless Command pair, especially as First Officer and Captain. And damn them for even wanting to have a hearing. This is ridiculous.  
  
I don't know what we are going to do. Spock thinks I am overreacting, but Command isn't kidding about this.  
  
It is going to be a long week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh SOMETHING is going on. Oops. :P


	25. Transmission 2262.025

**January 25 th, 2262**

Scotty might just be on a high right now knowing we are going to a star base. He’s been itching to repair one of the old dilithium chambers. It isn’t in use right now, because of other upgrades, but he’s hoping to increase our max load and allow us to possibly go a tiny bit faster. If not, then have a little more storage for when we start to run out of dilithium crystals. Something to that effect. He’s a happy camper – wait, he is the _only_ happy camper.

I think the bridge crew is all on edge. Spock is the only sane one, when he isn’t in the science labs. Being summoned by the Admirals is a bit – unsettling. Chekov looks like he has seen a ghost, Uhura thinks she screwed up that last translation of our last Andorian encounter, and Sulu – well, Sulu has an entirely blank face. But the underlying message is fear. Everyone thinks this is about them – which, hell, for all we know, it could be about ANY of us. But the likelihood is that it is about Spock and I. I don’t see it happening any other way.

I guess we will wait and see. Spock seems the least worried – logical and emotionless _my ass_ – but I’m sure that is just a front. We still attempt to get some rest while maintaining respectable shifts in our respective areas – especially when seventy percent of the time I am either in Engineering helping fix something (again with the repairs we need, holy crud, they keep MULTIPLYING!), or in medical listening to Bones rant about supplies we need. Spock might lose it if I freak out any more about this – this hearing. _And it’s only day two of knowing the news_. Oops. Might need to tone down on the – whatever it is I’m doing.

Anyway, really, how exactly are we going to survive a little over three more years like this?

That’s the fun part, I guess. We will figure it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: I googled dilithium crystals, and I just kind of – assumed some things. Accuracy is TOTALLY not my goal. Plus, fictional storytelling from Star Trek on top of fictional storytelling from ME – I think I’m okay.


	26. Transmission 2262.026

**January 26 th, 2262**

There are days when I physically and mentally enjoy the hell out of this job. Then there are days that are just physically and mentally exhausting. Then there are days when politics just piss me off. And then there are days like today.

Boring, uninteresting, and a tad bit on edge. My crew are suffering, and I am about to give Command my two cents on _why_ we need shore leave. This, I’m pretty sure, isn’t right. This is downright cruel. I think I’ve seen more frustrated actions out of more than half my crew then I have seen smiling faces. And I know my crew - this isn’t their normal. We are a very smooth working team, working as a whole on this ship, and while that does continue to occur, I can _feel_ the tension. The exhaustion.

I think I need to just pull over somewhere, orbit a good enough planet, and say “EVERY BODY OFF!”

I can’t do that, though, can I? As much as I want to, especially as Captain, I don’t have authorization.

And they say I break _all_ the rules. I obviously _don’t_ break them ALL!

_Captain, you are requested in the science labs by Commander Spock._

Well, duty calls. Bye mom!


	27. Transmission 2262.027

**January 27 th, 2262**

“Jim-“

No, no, and definitely _no_.

“You are being illogical.”

I think I am entitled to some illogical-ness, thank you very much. I’m human. Remember that.

“It is not healthy for you to have stress over this subject for as long as you have.”

Mom, tell him I don’t care. Because really, I don’t. This – this _stupid_ hearing is about _us_ , I know it is. And I won’t let them – I WILL NOT LET THEM DO THIS TO US!

“But you have no concrete evidence that it is about us.”

It isn’t kind of obvious?! How is it NOT obvious?

No, ya know, whatever. You don’t get it.

“I realize that-“

No, you don’t. Would you please leave?

Good GOD, finally he leaves me alone. I told him I wanted to be alone and he doesn’t even listen to me.

I don’t even think I want to discuss it with you, mom. Sorry. I’m just – I’m a bit frustrated today.

Have some repairs to go help Scotty with. I’ll be back tomorrow.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Jim and I are related. I'm having a very frustrating day mental health wise. Sorry buddy :(


	28. Transmission 2262.028

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair bit of warning: I cannot do accents. Write, read, speak - I can't. I can't even hear them in my head, I'm that bad. Okay, maybe I can read them a bit, but my adult ADHD brain isn't into that.
> 
> So, sorry for the accent butchering (or lack thereof) of basically this WHOLE drabble.... :/

**January 28 th, 2262**

And now he doesn’t want to talk to me. Wonderful.

“Keptin?”

Oh, hey, yes, please, come in, Chekov. Mom, Chekov. Chekov, my mom, Winona. Don’t worry; she won’t get this for like – three months or something, but introductions all around.

“I met your mum briefly before we left space dock two years ago, Keptin. So, um, hi Mrs. Kirk!”

Everyone’s met my mom. I just tend to forget that and remind her of everyone in my crew. Especially those apart of my bridge crew.

“It’s been a few…”

Years, yeah, I know. What can I do for you, Pavel?

“You remember planet Zeta V, right? From four months ago?”

How could I forget? They were creepy. Even though I think their wine was the _best_ since we started this exploration mission. Even though what I wouldn’t do for some Romulan ale right now….

“Keptin - and you remember the high priestess?”

Pretty, long legs? Yeah. She was all over… you… Chekov, did – did she _contact_ you?

“Y-y-yes.”

Oh shit. Okay, oh my – shit, shit, shit, shit. I told them – I FUCKING TOLD THEM I WOULDN’T LET THEM HARM YOU. NO. GET UHURA ON THE LINE _RIGHT NOW_.

MOM, GOTTA RUN. EMERGENCY. LATER!


	29. Transmission 2262.029

**January 29 th, 2262**

Sorry about yesterday. Let’s just say we’ve had a few bad planet visits that haven’t gone smoothly. And as Chekov is the youngest in my crew – things can get heated very fast. Resolved _that_ problem, though.

As for Spock – still an issue. Still not going to care. Still just going to go about business as usual.

We get to Star base twenty-six in about two days. I’m a tad bit nervous. Granted, I don’t know _what_ Command wants, but it can’t be good.

It is never good.

I’m tired. Later, mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JANUARY IS ALMOST OVER.
> 
> WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!!!


	30. Transmission 2262.030

**January 30 th, 2262**

He says I am illogical. He _always_ says that, mom. He will forever claim that I am illogical. Because I am. I am fucking human. What more does he want from me? We are in a committed relationship, and somehow being illogical is like, the worst thing to happen since – since VULCAN WAS DESTROYED. I wouldn’t say that to his face, because I know how much it would hurt him. But I mean, if illogical is his BEST insult – he is going to have to try better. Because I know I am illogical. There is a reason I am illogical. Somehow, I know this isn’t about my skills as Captain – we’ve been a crew for over three years, and he knows I don’t give a damn about his opinion when it comes to the fact I DON’T BELIEVE IN NO WIN SCENARIOS.

This almost sounds redundant to me.

Somehow being in a relationship is not all as cracked up as it is thought to be. Because we still have our differences. We still bitch. We still – we still fight and he gets all fucking _logical_ and then decided I am illogical.

I cannot.

Tomorrow is the hearing. We should be arriving at Star base twenty six in a few hours, ahead of schedule.

I need to get away from this all.

Damn it, why can’t they give us SHORE LEAVE?!!!

Spock is just up tight.

Maybe it’s the – the experiments. He won’t even talk about them.

Those planets were a bit suspicious.

Something… doesn’t seem right….

Hmmm, I gotta go talk to Spock. Later, mom.


	31. Transmission 2262.031

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written on my iPod - will edit more carefully when I get home tonight - THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING!!

** January 31st, 2262 **

The hearing was about Chekov. I - we got to the Starbase and Command summoned myself, Spock, Chekov, and the two security personal that came down with us to Zeta V four months ago. 

 

So, back story on that planet. It was a heavily regulated sex slave trading post, essentially, covered by a government whom were rich, elegant, and extremely sexual in and of themselves. When we visited, it hadn't been the first time the Federation had been around. There had been talks of joining, but nothing concrete. The Federation has also been trying to pin some charges against the planet for the sex slave thing, but they aren't a part of the Federation, obviously, and can do nothing against another sentient species. Not to mention they have their own government and laws.

 

They don't want to join the Federation. They want Chekov. They want my brilliant, young navigator because, and god I hate saying this out loud, apparently when he flirted back to the High Priestess De'lana in a nervous sputtering response to her come on's, the government decided he needed to become a sex slave.

 

Four months later. Per their laws about their governing religion and some backward law about how they gain new recruits into the sex slave business.

 

They are petitioning the Federation, and Command because he is apart of Starfleet, to have him extradited back to Zeta V, as pertaining to their laws and what not. The Federation will have to decide whether they want to completely ignore or comply - especially with a planet they already want to see some changes with (even though they are outside the Federation's laws. This is starting to make my head ache.)

 

There will be a trial, where the High Priestess will show up (damn warp capability!!) and hopefully a few appeals will be made. Because no WAY in hell I am sending my navigator to be a sex slave. Plus, what the fuck about time limits? Four months is a LONG time to sit on this damn law thing in regards to my navigator. Not to mention: why NOW???

 

No wonder she contacted him a few days ago. She didn't even MENTION this. None of this. This wasn't on ANYBODIES radar. How the fuck is this happening?? No one mentioned it when we were on the planet four months ago - and yes, the High Priestess did come after Chekov with a gleam in her eye, which prompted our leaving immediately. I swore I wouldn't let any repercussions occur, and now this????

 

In the mean time, Command wants Chekov off rotation for the time being, with a security guard hovering over him until the trial (at least that was quick - we have only three days to breathe.) HONESTLY what good will that do him? Taking him off rotation, making him feel useless. If he loses, he will go with De'lana. There is only one option: We win. He is a frightened mess. I won't let them win. I won't let them take him. He is a part of my crew and NO one messes with my crew.


	32. Transmission 2262.032

**February 1 st, 2262**

Oh HELL no. Command is debating on whether they even want to have this trial or just hand Chekov over to De’lana. I refused that option. Chekov didn’t do anything wrong. Their laws don’t hold shit against us, just like our laws don’t hold shit over them. It’s a basic catch-22. The reason for the trial. To determine what laws will be upheld – which will overrule all. We were visitors on the planet, I get that. But we didn’t do anything _wrong_. We did nothing out of ordinary; we did nothing that could even explain this unprovoked act of extradition. Chekov was led on, in a position that was not the norm, and his reaction should not be held against him. Plus, their laws were NOT laid out in triplicate before us. This law they want to throw at us was kept from us. And I’m pretty sure the statutes of limitations don’t exceed four months – even though they may not have that kind of limit set on their laws. But in the Federation, we do have that kind of limit set on our laws.

In the mean time, Chekov won’t even leave his quarters. He’s set up a pass code that I can’t even break, and I’m _the Captain_. Not to mention I make my own pass codes and usually no one can break them – except, on occasion, Spock. And I only put up such pass codes when I don’t want to be disturbed. I think Chekov… Pavel is mourning. And I’m helpless to show him that we will win this. There is no other scenario where we don’t win. He’s the best navigator, a brilliant Ensign, and a part of my crew.

 _Captain, Admiral Barnett is asking for an audience_.

Thank you, Lieutenant, I will take it here in my quarters.

I hope they know I mean business. I will not lose one of my crew if I can help it. And I don’t lose my crew easily, and not without a fight.


	33. Transmission 2262.033

**February 2nd, 2262**

Mom, I have something to tell you. If this goes south, if for some reason the Federation and Starfleet jointly decide to hand my navigator over to be a sex slave, I will go in his place. I don't know how long the trial will last - hours, days, weeks - but if the verdict comes to that, I will fucking fight to be his exchange.

Which, for the most part, is a pretty neat law we have set up, even though I don't think many use it because they either don't know about it or they aren't willing. It isn't every day someone is willing to take another's place on the chopping block - so to speak.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one. Except I don't believe in no-win scenarios. So how exactly do I protect my crew and my navigator without giving myself up freely? Spock would chew me out if he knew what I plan to do.

Now that we know this trouble isn't about us, the weight between us has been lifted. A burden lifted, telling us that we are okay, for now. Until I do something dumb, naturally.

Mom, I love him. Spock is my rock, my - my source of unending logic and strength. I hope he knows I would do anything for my crew. And that is why I must do this. No one gets to take my navigator away - no one gets to take one of my crew away from me.

*Jim's door buzzes* Captain, may I come in?

Sure, sure, of course, Spock. Come on in.

"Captain, Ensign Chekov is currently in Sickbay. And Admiral Barnett is on the bridge."

And you couldn't comm me?? And WHY IS HE ON MY BRIDGE???

"Lieutenant Uhura attempted to comm you, Captain. Select communication networks seem to be down. We are working swiftly to rectify the problem."

And Chekov? Is he okay?

"Dr. McCoy requests your presence."

Oh boy. Okay, thank you, Spock. I will - tackle both. Sorry, Mom, gotta go!


	34. Transmission 2262.034

**February 3 rd, 2262**

Dr. McCoy wouldn’t allow Chekov to leave sick bay. Something about an irritated ulcer – apparently the kid has been nursing a stress ulcer since – well, forever. It’s being treated, of course, but this obviously put the poor kid over the edge.

Of course, Chekov’s lawyer doesn’t even fucking _care_ what happens to my navigator, so I pleaded to take Chekov’s place at this time. Dr. McCoy I think was hell bent on punching me – repeatedly, mind you, he’s got a thing for getting really pissed with me when he wants to – but he wrote a doctor’s note anyway stating why the defendant couldn’t show up to his own trial. I am unsure how this will play out with the verdict – whether it means Chekov could get a free pass (who wants a sick sex slave? Hmm… good question), or it’ll just seal his fate. Which I’ve already explained I will take his place. I won’t let him be taken from us.

The Federation I don’t think gives a rat’s ass about how this turns out. Starfleet wants to keep it on the down low, regardless of which way it goes. So far they have a piss-poor lawyer. De’lana kept looking at me in the council chambers like I was fresh meat. Something tells me that I’m their next target.

I defended Chekov as best I could today. Tomorrow they hand out a verdict. Something about not desiring to drag this out too long. The _Enterprise_ is being fixed post-haste, and we will have new orders by noon tomorrow.

 I asked Spock to join me at dinner tonight. We’ve been on edge for a while now, and I’m not keeping him away. Especially if this goes south on us. He doesn’t know what I’m going to do if it does.

I should go check up on Chekov. I visited earlier, before the trial began. He was in some serious pain. Bones was – he was trying hard to be his same grouchy self, but he wasn’t achieving that same level of self-loathing and bad bedside manner. Don’t tell him I said that – I joke about it, but sometimes it really is a frustrating trait of his.

Look at me, rambling on about my crew. They are the best thing to ever happen to me. I would hate to lose any of them – especially to silly, stupid laws.

I couldn’t tell you what was going through the mind of the judge today. Tomorrow I find out what he wants to do about this situation.

Mom… I’m _terrified_.

_Captain, Mr. Spock requests your presence in the Observation Deck on Deck C._

Thank you, Lieutenant. I will meet him there soon.

Bye, mom.


	35. Transmission 2262.035

**February 4 th, 2262**

I love you, Mom.

* * *

_That evening_

Vulcans grieve in different ways, Mrs. Kirk. Vulcans, in fact, have much deeper emotions than humans. And today I grieve with thee, much more for you than for myself.

I do not know what he told you, nor do I know what he was planning. He had no idea what the verdict would be, but knowing the Captain, he had every contingency planned for. His idea of making sure nothing is ever a no-win scenario.

Your son is a very irrational, illogical human being. Today Mr. Chekov, beyond anyone’s control, was given the verdict of extradition to the planet of Zeta V, under their laws, to be used as a sex slave, for his actions four months prior on Zeta V. The planet itself has no statutes of limitations, unlike the legal system apparent in both the Federation and Starfleet. The Federation, along with Starfleet, has much explaining to do as to _why_ this happened.

And instead of Mr. Chekov being given over to De’lana for the week transport back to Zeta V, the Captain – _Jim_ – claimed the Federation law of exchange, of another going in someone’s place under the sentence given. He also claimed that Mr. Chekov was in absolutely no shape to be released from sickbay, let alone be extradited on a shallow, unjust verdict. The trip alone would kill him, and ‘then were would De’lana be without her precious sex slave?’ His words, not mine. The looks that befell a majority of those in attendance were mostly of shock. And part anguish.

He told me I was Captain now. A title I do not wish to have.

And then he willingly left the room with the High Priestess, sealing his fate. They have already left, doing as they please to… to _Jim_.

 _What have we done?_  


	36. Transmission 2262.036

**February 5 th, 2262**

As you know, Jim is no longer on the ship. He is in the hands of De’lana, the High Priestess of Zeta V.

I do not know how to even process what has happened. I have a sick Russian in my Medbay who is not getting any better (who is very much in the process of growing another ulcer with Jim gone in his place), and an Acting Captain who is – he really is emotionally compromised. Spock might be breaking, and I can only watch it happen. I have only seen Spock emotionally compromised twice before, both involving Jim. And once again, Jim is involved.

Why the _hell_  he sacrificed himself in place of Chekov, I will _never_  know.

And if I ever get the chance to ask him, I might punch him.

It’s quiet around here without him. We were given new orders last night, and are off in the opposite direction, towards another new civilization, with a whole new crop of things to explore, diplomatic missions to achieve – and we are doing it all without our Captain.

And Starfleet is doing nothing to get Jim back. Absolutely  _nothing_. I am appalled.

I am so sorry, Mrs. Kirk.

I am so sorry.


	37. Transmission 2262.037

**February 6 th, 2262**

Hi, hi. Woops, wrong button. Sorry, I’m new to this - well not _this_ exactly. Anyway, it’s Nyota Uhura, Chief Communications Officer. Dr. McCoy suggested we all take turns keeping you updated, Mrs. Kirk. What there is to update you on, I am unsure. The crew your son has left behind in an act of bravery and selflessness in saving one of our own? Anyway, I guess these make sense. The suggestion that we – the crew – do them is a good idea. Morale and all that.

Spock… he looks lost. I’ve never seen him look lost before. Oh, he’s been angry before. He ran after an augment with the intent to kill because Kirk _died_. Now he has lost a part of himself, and the uncertainty of getting Kirk back is very – very shaky. He commands like before – stoic, straight back, all logic, and all brains. But no smiles. No emotions. All business, nothing more, nothing less. The crew is a bit on edge. Mourning, but terrified of not doing their jobs at a Spock-approved level. He is a bit scary right now.

Except when he is alone. He is a mess. I make him take breaks. I make him get off the bridge and get sleep. If I didn’t, Dr. McCoy would. Spock doesn’t eat – even with multiple suggestions and a ton of coaxing. He keeps claiming that he is ‘Vulcan and doesn’t need sustenance at this time’ which is bullshit. We are all sentient beings – we all need food and water!

I hate to see him like this. We need our Captain back. We need our Commander back. Spock won’t let anyone call him Captain. Not even Acting Captain. It is Commander and nothing more. Those back at Command aren’t answering our communication requests. We were sent off on another exploration mission and that apparently appeased them.

Something just doesn’t seem right about this situation. First they even think about a trial for Chekov, in which there are some ridiculous claims made against him, and then they decide to extradite him to be a _sex slave_ , and Jim does in his place.

This is ridiculous.

Well, one way or another, we - I don’t know. We will continue on with this tradition. Seeing as Jim enjoyed sending you these. He actually enjoyed talking about them, animatedly by the way, especially at meal times. He was – IS – our Captain. We don’t exactly give up on our leader.

And I feel like maybe we have.

Something just doesn’t seem right about this – at all.


	38. Transmission 2262.038

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I am claiming accents are the worst… forgive me for this chapter. Just, imagine it in this precious boy’s accent? Thanks for understanding.

**February 7 th, 2262**

This is – this is my fault, all my fault.

I’m so sorry. I am so, so, _so_ sorry, Mrs. Kirk. I didn’t – he shouldn’t have.

Dr. McCoy, why are you making me do this?

“It’s good for you, Chekov.”

It really isn’t. She doesn’t – she probably _blames_ me for this. And I – I didn’t MEAN this to happen! I don’t understand – I don’t understand why he went in my place!

“I don’t think any of us, understand, Pavel. But I know Winona Kirk does _not_ blame you. Jim – the bastard – is a self sacrificing douche.”

The Keptin has already done so much for us. I don’t understand why he did this for me. I’m… _why me?_

“Kid, you’ve been beating yourself up since the trial started. Your ulcer is –“

I’M SICK AND HE – HE DID THIS FOR ME.

Oh god, I am so sorry, Mrs. Kirk. I am so sorry.

I can’t – I can’t do this. You don’t need my apologies. I make – I make everything worse. Even to myself.

“Chekov, Jim knew what he was doing, even if we don’t. Everything – everything will be all right. Now, I think that’s enough. You need some sleep. You’re about to make yourself a second ulcer, and I’m afraid of the complications.”

I’m sorry, I am so sorry. I am so…. _Sorry._


	39. Transmission 2262.039

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting early or however AO3 posts things scheduled for the next day... o.0 This is confusing. Anyway, it is dated for the 8th of February, and it is the transmission for February 8th. I will be very busy this weekend, so I wrote this ahead of time and am posting it early because I need to focus on school. I will be back Sunday at some point. 
> 
> Thank you for all the love and comments and kudos and hits. You guys ROCK!!!
> 
> And sorry for the feels. There is actually so much more I wish to tell you guys, but again, the narrowness of each transmission is what is being handled with this type of story-telling. It comes up later though, things mentioned in this part. Oh, spoilers - oops!!!

**February 8 th, 2262**

Hi, sorry – I’m sending this to both Spock and my mom. I’m okay. They’ve – they leave me alone ninety five percent of the time, but whenever I am in their presence – they aren’t exactly nice. I’m a bit banged up, sorry if you can see the bruise on my neck. I think I have a few others – I haven’t taken inventory. They feed me – don’t want me to die before they can get use of me. I won’t be inducted into the slave practice until we get back to Zeta V. It’s – this is all incredibly lonely, really. I think De’lana is about ready to just fuck it all and have me. Even if the males of the clan keep looking at me like I’m fresh meat. God, I am fresh meat… what did I get myself into? 

I hacked into their system. If they are watching close enough, they’ll catch me – but they don’t seem all that bright. I may not have long. I’m sorry it had to turn out this way. Please – forgive me. I couldn’t – Chekov didn’t need to be subjected to this.

I love both of you, dearly. Please know that. I don’t do this to harm either of you. And if I ever see you again – well, I hope I do. Apparently a slave can buy out after a few years – I’m sure I’ll learn more once we get to the planet. 

I just cannot _believe_ the Federation did this. Extradition. Good LORD! And Starfleet blindly going along. I am also amazed they didn’t stop me. I’m their fucking _poster boy_ , and they let me get extradited to a planet to be a sex slave. Oh god – Spock, whatever the news feeds are saying right now – ignore them all.

Spock – _Spock_ , please –

“STOP!”

No, _please_ –

*Jim is dragged from the screen and punched in the stomach*

“Take him to my room and tie him up. I will teach him a lesson very soon.”

“Gladly, High Priestess.”

* * *

_On the Enterprise three hours later_

JIM!

Mrs. Kirk, it seems your son has contacted both of us.

This will seem as an unusual thing for a Vulcan – I am half human – but I must disregard what Command has told us. Our new mission is not of import at this time. We are veering off course.

Lieutenant Sulu, plot a course for Zeta V immediately.

_Yes, Commander. Course set in, I am correctly maneuvering us to that course. Warp factor?_

Maximum. We must reach the transport carrying Captain Kirk before the Standard time of the 12th of February.

 _Maximum warp it is, Commander. Estimated arrival to Zeta V is eighty two hours and thirteen minutes. We do not have an estimation on when we would run into the transport carrying Captain Kirk_.

Thank you, Mr. Sulu.

I will keep you posted, Mrs. Kirk.


	40. Transmission 2262.040

**February 9 th, 2262**

I have never seen a more hell-bent Vulcan on revenge, Mrs. Kirk. And I've seen a lot in my time, being Montgomery Scott!

Except once. Same Vulcan, different circumstances, but same goal: Jim.

Commander Spock is out for blood. Whether that means Jim’s or De’lana’s, that has yet to be made known. He is very uptight at this time – won’t leave the bridge for _anything_. We’re trying to get him to at least rest, eat. He won’t do us any good if he isn’t up to par when we run into the transport carrying Jim. We need our Commander functioning in top form.

I worry. About Jim. The transmission received was shown to the senior officers. I am disturbed by this – what they could be doing to him.

We will get him back, Mrs. Kirk. We have to. Jim doesn’t believe in no-win scenarios. And somehow he has found himself in one or two far more times than I can care to know _how_ or _why_. He is a stubborn boy, that he is, Mrs. Kirk.

Don’t give up hope. We will find him, get him back, and make sure he makes another one of these transmissions. It’s good for us – and him. His morale.

Anyway, got to get back to engineering. If anything, Commander Spock is pushing me to make the _Enterprise_ go faster. The idea is pristine – a good one, especially with our current time constraints – but there is _only_ so much I can do with the tools and parts on hand at this time. He’s asking for a miracle, and I hope to give one to him. I think Spock needs it more than any of us right now. He’s a bit – lost, so to speak, without Jim. And that’s never a comforting thought.


	41. Transmission 2262.041

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm loving this arc. I would hate to see it... end...

**February 10 th, 2262**

We are fifty hours from Zeta V, going at maximum warp, to which Mr. Scott has greatly improved our warp capability by a fraction over the past twenty four hours.

I dare not contact the subspace transmission origin from where the Captain – _Jim_ – sent his _only_ transmission. It would not stem the anger or the… He – they must be holding him. He is far too clever to allow them any access to his skills. I fear what they are doing to him – bodily harm, psychological harm.

I – fear is illogical, but I feel it. Anger is illogical, but I feel it. In the case of Jim, I feel far more than I ever – imagined. This is not the first time. But the fear I have for his well being is strong. I cannot lose him – I _will not_ lose him. I was wrong to think I could let him go, to see him walk out of my life forever. And I did just that when the High Priestess took her prize – of which holds no worth to them. I gave up on Jim, and that wasn’t right. I should have – _done something_. Jim is _not_ their play toy. Jim will never be THEIRS. He is _mine_.

I have made many wrongs in my life. I lost my own mother, made enemies in the wrong places – all for… for what? There is persecution because I am different, but for people like Jim, they don’t _care_ about my differences. They care about _me_. And to think I might have lost my other – my part of me.

My t’hy’la.

I’m sorry, I can’t… can’t do this right now.


	42. Transmission 2262.042

**February 11 th, 2262**

We intercepted the transport.

 _Damn it, Jim!_ Idiot had to go and be an ass, didn’t he?

Right now Spock is in a meeting with De’lana. I have a bad feeling about it. They haven’t brought out Jim. They claim the laws of the Federation and Zeta V have been spoken and the verdict cannot be changed. Except I am pretty sure there is a loophole in there somewhere.

Spock looked like he was out for blood. Sulu went over with him. No word back from either of them. It is nerve wracking not knowing what is going on.

_Dr. McCoy!_

I’m here, yes?

_Medical assistance to transporter room 1. We have the Captain._

I’ll be right there!

* * *

_Later that day_

Jim’s back. Safe. Unconscious, but – lord only knows if he will _live_. Dumbass has broken bones and damn it, they really did a number on him. I’m still attempting to get the full picture. Whenever he decides to wake up, I’m going to wheedle the whole story out of him.

But he’s back on the _Enterprise_. That’s good enough for me. I will attempt to update –

“Dr. McCoy, Commander Spock is asking for you.”

I’ll be right there.


	43. Transmission 2262.043

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While there is no explicit mentions of sex or sexual assault, this chapter may be uncomfortable for some as to the nature of the current story arc. Proceed at own risk.

**February 12 th, 2262** 

I am most grateful he is back home, back on the  _Enterprise_.

Except he is injured. He constantly says he is "fine" but he is in obvious pain. He woke up in the middle of the night, somewhat disoriented. He hadn’t known we were coming – nor figured that we would. In his words, we ‘recklessly endangered his crew to get him back!’ Except no harm came to anyone except the Captain himself. They put three of the vertebra in his spine out of alignment, bruises liter his body in far too many important places - fingerprints on his neck, wrists, and ankles. Dr. McCoy demands that he stay in sickbay for fear of making any of his various medical problems worse. He has a rash that echoes an allergic reaction. He is somehow lucid now. The scans of his spine look –

Jim is a very stubborn individual. All he wants is to take back his Command and get back in the chair, while forgetting the whole incident. He has already seen Chekov, who was crying from his own biobed when they brought Jim in over twenty hours ago.

Dr. McCoy reassures me that scans, and Jim himself, attest to the fact De'lana and her entourage did not touch Jim... sexually. He was correct when he said they were waiting to reach Zeta V before sexually assaulting him. I will not think of it as anything else, as it would be specifically sexual assault. The verdict cruelly sent a human being to be a sex slave - obvious sexual assault. 

He won't let me talk to him - not yet. Something about "timing" - which does not make sense. He does allow me to be at his side when I am not on shift, but we don't discuss his injuries nor what happened. It is - frustrating, to see him closed up to me like this. I wish to ease his confusion, his anger at the situation. But he just - he smiles uneasily and proceeds to take whatever rant Dr. McCoy starts on about. 

The crew have all expressed their relief at having their Captain back aboard. I think I speak for us all in that the stress will not be so - tangible, now. It is still there, but it is good to know he is safe from harm. No one will touch him - no one.

I took a calculated risk chasing down the transport, especially in disobeying those above me. I also took a calculated risk with De'lana. I did some things I am not - they were not ethical. I used my telepathy against another sentient being to show my strength and my resolve, especially in terms of saving Jim. It was not right, but it got the point across to the High Priestess. I understand that I may have repercussions to accept, but I will not back down from my actions to save Jim. I am willing to face them openly. Jim is safe. That is what matters.


	44. Transmission 2262.044

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1,014 words. Oops. 
> 
> I guess they couldn't shut up?!!!!
> 
> (man, I feel this whole project is OOC... :( Hmph. I'm really bad at this, what can I say?)
> 
> Oh, and posting early because tomorrow I have to focus on school, and today went to hell and back, sooo..... ENJOY!

**February 13 th, 2262**

Hey, mom. I assume Spock has already told you they rescued me. I wonder if he told you that I – _why?_ Why did they have to come back for me? They recklessly endangered themselves. Spock doesn’t see that for some reason, and it really pisses me off. It was not ‘logical’ to come after me. Staying as far away and leaving me to die would have been preferable.

Bones is worried about – well, a shit ton of stuff. Something about my bladder and my legs because, yeah, they might have tortured me a few times. I handled it. But now my spine is misaligned, which isn’t a good thing, obviously. Except I can still walk, so that’s a plus. I also can still feel everything. No harm, no foul. And too much information, but I’m pretty sure I can still pee. And if I had to-

“What are you doing out of bed?”

Spock! Hey, um – yeah, I’m just updating my mom-

“You should be in bed. Right. Now.”

Spock, I’m fine.  My injuries are – I am _fine_.

“They put three of your vertebra out of alignment. You have bruises in far too many places, all in various stages of healing. You also have a mild concussion. If I remember right, your first and last and ONLY transmission to us showed them visibly harming you. Dr. McCoy is very serious about bed rest at this time.”

I know what he wants, and I – fine. Happy? I’m in bed. Resting. But you don’t – I’m _fine_ , okay? You really don’t need to be so – overbearing. I’m resting, I’m gonna nap – and yes, I know I’m not allowed to take back command until Bones releases me. This isn’t even the first time I’ve been injured! I’ll obey all your ridiculous rules, just-

“Jim, you willingly gave up your body to be used for pleasure against your will so that Ensign Chekov would be spared. You are a selfless leader in regards to your crew, but your complete lack of disregard for what _we_ have, and the fact you did not think about how I would react, makes you reckless and illogical. Our rules are not ‘ridiculous’, you just believe they are below you. I strive to see that _no harm_ comes to you, even when you deliberately put yourself within harm’s way. I took a _calculated_ risk challenging the High Priestess. I am not ‘worried’ about the fact they might have striped your dignity from you – it had a higher probability of occurring then your current injuries, as I am pretty sure you went willingly to be a sex slave. Of which is another thing we need to discuss. I am not ‘worried’ in the least, because I don’t worry. I am Vulcan. I-”

Except you obviously have to have _some_ illogical feelings for me, Spock. You chased me down. You challenged the High Priestess. You disobeyed Command, at risk of revealing our relationship. And then De’lana dumped me back on your front porch, broken and bruised but not _dead_. So, what? You aren’t worried, except you will demand I obey your rules because I’m injured? They didn’t even TOUCH me like that, just banged me up. I’m pretty sure I’ve had worse than this. I don’t know – maybe because I have _died_. Let’s not forget that tiny shard of reality.

“It is not pertinent to bring up that fact, seeing as-“

Spock, stop. This isn’t about that, we’ve gotten past that. This is about the fact I would do _anything_ and _everything_ for my crew – which expands to the youngest crew member to the oldest. It expands to you, always and forever. And because of that, I gave myself up to the verdict handed to my _navigator_ because it was the _right_ thing to do. And don’t even get me started on the illogicalness of the situation – that whole situation was fucked up. In turn, I now have three displaced vertebra and a rather pissed boyfriend. And please – you may not be worried, but I can see the frustration in your eyes. Because yes, your rules are ‘ridiculous’ – I’m _fine_. I would have been _fine_.

“Except you would have been gone. Away from me. _Forever_. I lost you once. I will not lose you again.”

I’m sorry, Spock. For everything. I didn’t – I didn’t mean to hurt you like I did. I couldn’t – Chekov –

“It was admirable, I will cede to that fact. But next time, please – please consult with me first. We could have determined a loophole, another solution. You didn’t give _us_ a chance.”

*Jim sighed* I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing for everyone.

“Maybe I should rephrase. There won’t _be_ a next time.”

With my history? Spock, you know there will be a next time. And are you prepared to handle that? Because you’ve known me for over four years now. Three of which were spent in space, under my Captaincy. We only really started this relationship a few months ago. You – _You chased down a fucking super human because I died_. We’ve both done stupid, reckless things for each other, and I’m amazed we don’t have Admirals breaking down the front door trying to _separate us_. But the funny part is - we work so well together regardless of the fact we would do anything for the other. But in my defense, I would also do anything for my crew. Which you know that.

“And I am here not only as your First Officer, sworn to _protect_ the Captain of this ship, but I am also your lover. This – this _next time_ better be in seventy years when you are good and old. We haven’t – we haven’t had a chance to discuss anything yet. I thought I lost you. I do not believe I would be able to last, to _survive_ , going through that kind of situation again.”

Spock-

“You need to rest. We will talk again. You will allow me that much.”

Of course.

God, this could not be more fucked up right now.


	45. Transmission 2262.045

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day! Sorry this is tragically CRAZY LATE! But it was a rough day at work plus a lot of homework to manage.
> 
> Oh, and just so it's a bit clearer - each transmission is a video transmission. Sometimes I'm never sure what to put in regards to action, so I tend to leave it out, just so as not to confuse anyone. Even though I'm sure it's all confusing anyway :D

**February 14 th, 2262**

Shhh, don’t tell Spock that I’ve been planning this surprise for like, the past five months. Since we basically began our relationship.

Because, let’s be honest, he may be mad with me, and I’m mad with him – but I mean, come on. It’s _Valentine’s Day_. He has to at least take the day off and give me a break, right? Plus, I’m back on the _Enterprise_. Life cannot be better right now.

Scratch that, it could, but I’m just – never mind.

So, anyway, yeah. I know – I know chocolate is the substance that can make Vulcans drunk. Like alcohol does to humans. I might have gotten him a box of chocolates and LOOK LOOK LOOK – it says I LUV YOU. He’s going to be confused about the balloon, I’m sure.

Anyway, he’ll be here in about twenty minutes when Alpha shift ends. He was okay with us eating dinner in my room since I’m not allowed to leave yet. Even if I’ve had plenty of visitors. Bones is fussing, but whatever.

I just – I didn’t think I would be around for this, especially since I was going off to – well, you know. And I should have given it to him before I left, but at least I can give it to him now? Actually on Valentine’s Day?

I love him, mom. I really, I do. Even if he frustrates me beyond belief sometimes.

Anyway, he’ll berate me if I’m not back in bed. I just had to show you what I got him. I hope I can get him drunk tonight. It would be soooo worth it!

Love you, mom. Happy Valentine’s Day – IN SPACE!


	46. Transmission 2262.046

** February 15th, 2262 **

Bones basically told me in so many words that my back is stable, but still screwed up. We aren't doing anything about it because I'm not showing any symptoms. Plus my bruises are clearing and fading pretty rapidly.

In so many words, I can take over the bridge again tomorrow morning. FINALLY!!!

Spock, per norm, is protesting.

Granted, I got him nice and subdued last night with the chocolate. He enjoyed it immensely. Our problems were thousands of light years away for an evening, thankfully.

Now we are back to our bickering selves. Go figure. No rough sex, obviously. Spock won't touch me except for kisses now. I don't know what I am supposed to do to get him to bang me at this point - maybe once he realizes I didn't mean to intentionally hurt him???

He knows that. He has to. We haven't NOT gone through this exact type of shit before. Back before we got our five year mission - back when I died.

Granted, this was - reckless of me... I didn't want to hurt him. I just wanted my crew safe. Chekov never would have handled that. He was never meant to be in harms way. I am to blame and will always take that responsibility. Always. Granted, I think De'lana was much more intentionally rough with me - I could see it in her eyes.

At least I am okay. We are all okay.

I'm a bit tired. Love you, mom.


	47. Transmission 2262.047

**February 16 th, 2262**

Next stop: completely unexplored space. Guess Command didn’t need us hanging around any longer. Granted, nothing has been uttered about the fact Spock disobeyed orders – or that I’m back in the Captain’s chair. I think Starfleet is literally shoving this whole incident under the rug and not saying one more word on it.

I’m not sure I agree with that – if De’lana tries to come back, I will put up a fight, for both myself and Chekov. See, Spock? I’m attempting to defer this from ever happening again.

That isn’t to say bad shit won’t happen again. I attract trouble every fucking second of the day – even just being in Engineering for goodness sakes! But that’s another story for another time – the shit that goes on in this ship on any given twenty four hour rotation could be written into a book and sell a hundred million copies through-out the Federation just in the first hour it was on pre-order _alone_. I mean, holy crud! Then the MISSIONS. And the planet side expeditions and _Spock._ Spock.

Yeah.

Nothing says true love like being in a relationship with your First Officer, who also happens to be the only Vulcan in Starfleet – and he’s half-Vulcan.

Thank god Command has no idea about our relationship. I’m still surprised they have _no idea_.

One day that is going to bite me in the ass, just watch.

Anyway, gotta go talk to Bones. Chekov is about to be released from Sickbay, finally. He was in there longer than I was! The poor kid. He grew a second ulcer or something. He’s a bit frazzled, needless to say.

Okay, yup, later mom!


	48. Transmission 2262.048

**February 17 th, 2262**

Mom, tell him he actually has to listen to me for once.

“As your First Officer-“

Shit, this doesn’t even have anything to do with our professional lives. Can you NOT for five seconds?!

“The topic at hand _did_ affect our professional lives. And as your First Officer-“

No, stop. This has to do with us and our relationship. And where exactly we want it to go. Right now, I’m not sure where it is going, and you don’t want to even _discuss_ it because you can’t get past the last incident, which is PAST. It is no longer on our radar. And what I want to know is if you are ever going to let what _we have_ progress to another level. Isn’t that something you stressed to me just a few days ago, on the fact I completely _disregarded_ what _we have_?

“There are things I choose not to discuss with you.”

Well I got that, loud and clear, Spock. But isn’t our relationship supposed to be open? I feel like I’m missing something huge. Something glaringly obvious, but because you won’t utter a word about it – you now want to – what? End this relationship?

“No.”

Then what?

“Vulcans are a species that feel deeply. Emotions run deep within our race. I am emotionally compromised by you, especially as of recent.”

Well, that’s kind of obvious, Spock. You disobeyed Command and came after me.

“Vulcans also take things at a much different pace than humans in terms of relationships.”

You do things differently, I understand that. But what exactly is it that you want out of this relationship, if anything?

“I want you _safe_. As your First Officer, I am not only your confidant when making Command decisions, but I am also charged to protect you. And you will not allow me to do my job.”

And you are still mad.

“I want change, Jim. I want – peace of mind. I also want to know that you are not, as you would say, ‘blurring the lines’ of our relationship with our professional lives.”

Okay, no – you can’t blame me for that. I KNOW how to separate our professional lives from our personal relationship. You can’t tell me I’m ‘blurring the lines’ just because of this latest fiasco. I just – what am I supposed to say to that? What do you want me to change?

“Not you. Your – your mindset on this subject.”

Just… give me time, okay?

“Of course.”


	49. Transmission 2262.049

**February 18 th, 2262**

It is never quiet around here. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. T-minus two weeks until we reach our next destination. It is times like these, between completely and utter _chaos_ that I have reflect on – well, everything.

Spock at least is tolerable now. He wanted to play chess tonight. I’m game, really. I miss – I miss just being _us_. Things have certainly gotten rocky lately.

Uhura won’t talk to me – haven’t figured out _why_. I should really ask, but I really haven’t had time to open up whatever can of worms is sitting around that corner.

Chekov is back on rotation tomorrow. He’s feeling better, but we haven’t had too much of a chance to talk about what happened. Mostly just so he knows this isn’t going to happen again, or I will do worse than I chose to do this time. But he needs a little bit to adjust back to normal ship life. It’s been a hard few weeks of stress.

Bones continues to pester me, per norm. Nothing new there and everything is right as rain. He’s mostly griping because we’re going so far this time – which, for the record, we are supposed to be in deep space, and have finally been given the green light to GO GO GO! He’s just cranky lately. It’s probably me – and I’m fine with that.

The rest of my crew are pretty much trying to stay off my radar – which is probably a good thing. Once they are on it, it is hard to get away. For any reason.

Back to the bridge I go. Later!


	50. Transmission 2262.050

**February 19 th, 2262**

“Jim, you need to sit for five seconds.”

I AM SITTING. Can I – have a moment of peace today?!!

“If you ruin your back, I swear I will-“

What? I mean, COME ON. You released me for all duty – that includes whatever stress relief I decide. Now I am sitting down and going to leave my mother a message.

“Fine. Whatever.”

_Captain, you have a message from an Admiral._

Who?!

 _Carter_.

And only a message?

 _Yes, Captain_.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Ugh, I can’t get a moment of peace today. Sorry, this is my life right now. I – I sparred with Sulu and Bones got extremely upset. Key word is _pissed_ beyond belief because he thinks I’m going to ruin my back with current problems.

And now I have _another_ admiral on my ass. At least it’s just a message this time.

Never a dull moment in space!

I’ll get back to you tomorrow.


	51. Transmission 2262.051

**February 20 th, 2262**

Oh gooooooodddddddd, Spock just asked me about my birthday.

Nope, I am not turning another year older this year. Haha, no. I don’t want to. I don’t need to.

I can say no to that kind of thing right?

Without it sounding like a death wish?

That’s what I thought.

Ugh. *Jim runs a hand down his face* At least he is inquiring about my birth date – which, mind you, he knows when it is. We’ve been over this. This may be the first time we’re in a romantic relationship together over said birthday (if we last until March, hmmm… a wonderful thought), but he knows when it is.

Now I’m scared of what he’ll bestow upon me.

Holy crap, what do Vulcans GIVE TO THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS ON BIRTHDAYS?!!

Do they even celebrate birthdays? Like, I know when Spock’s birthday is, but he’s always declined anything. And we haven’t done anything for him out of respect.

Hmmmm, I’m definitely breaking that tradition come July.

Don’t tell him I said that.

Anyway, where was I? Yeah… he asked about my birthday. Not like, death defying or anything. At least he’s speaking to me. And sleeping with me. I think maybe we’re past this? We haven’t… had a really long ass talk yet, but I don’t know if we ever will.

Depends on Spock, I think.

And me.

And time.

He’s on shift at the moment. I actually need to head to medical. Something about some piece of machinery going crazy, and they need my help fixing it.

It’ll be my luck that _that_ is the thing that Bones uses to get me into medical for another physical.

Watch, my luck will turn out like that.

Anyway, love you!


	52. Transmission 2262.052

**February 21 st, 2262**

Too much time on my hands. This is what happens when your destination is too far to count.

Why do I get the feeling these conversations would be better face-to-face? I mean, Uhura already pulls a miracle sending them out to you. Though I assume at this point you may not have gotten them yet. It is – almost the end of February? Huh, maybe.

Rambling. Oh, wait, that’s what I always do!

Something I think we’ve touched on before – Spock. Marriage.

He obviously won’t contemplate it, even though he doesn’t seem to mind our relationship. So, that’s saying something? But, ya know… I’ve never had the urge to go any further. But Spock is – special. It’s even weird saying it OUT LOUD when it has been in my mind for a while now. It’s something I thought about a lot to distract myself from the pain while with De’lana.

On another note, I think I’m doing fairly well considering I’m still Captain and I’m not mentally scared because that bitch was _scary_. But I can still say her name, so that’s saying a lot too, right?

Good thing I’m not a psych counselor.

Anyway, yeah. I used Spock in a lot of my mental focuses to escape that situation. I didn’t like it – I didn’t. Anyone who thinks I did is lying to themselves. I just don’t show it. I don’t _need_ to show it to my crew, to Spock, or to Bones. They don’t need to know that on the inside I was terrified. But I could handle it. I had far more going for me than for Chekov, and the poor kid was in Sickbay when all of this went down! I mean, I wouldn’t have sent him to a sex slave planet even if I had been forced to make him go! It wasn’t going to happen.

It was an uncomfortable situation. I know Spock is still angry for me about it, but I hope he knows that I’m okay. I’m not damaged. I got through it. And I’m _home_ now. I am still his. He is still mine – at least, I hope so. Vulcans – SPOCK isn’t one to just take up another relationship easily. It took him a while to recover, and I use that word lightly, from Uhura. Only because he knew his feelings – yes he has those, I know, shocking! – were elsewhere and he didn’t want to hurt her.

I think she understood.

Somehow we all still have a good friendship.

I just… one day I hope we can take this somewhere. I think this latest fiasco set us back.

I just don’t want to lose him. Is that too much to ask?


	53. Transmission 2262.053

** February 22nd, 2262 **

Hi mom!

Hello Mrs. Kirk!

Hi!

Pleased to be sending you a transmission, Mrs. Kirk.

Hello Mrs. Kirk!

Greetings!

This is _such_ a bad idea, Jim.

IGNORE Bones. We took a page out of boredom and decided to do a group transmission. Not a ton of new faces here on the bridge, so if anyone wants to introduce themselves, they can.

My crew is the best.

Get to the point, Jim.

Bones is grumpy today, but hey, isn’t that normal? We’re just heading towards destination unknown and things are going great. Hopefully we don’t run into anyone out here.

Romulans and or Klingons, Jim?

Seriously, ignore Bones.

He does have a point, Captain.

I know that, Spock. Again, hopefully we don’t run into any uninvited guests while out this far. Anyway, we are out of time. Say bye everyone!

Bye!

Later!

Good-bye, Mrs. Kirk.

So long!

I’ll catch up later, mom!


	54. Transmission 2262.054

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I missed Dr. Leonard McCoy’s birthday by TOS standards, so I’m fudging canon and moving it. Sorry :( I should have thought of the birthday’s way back in the beginning, but I didn’t assume everyone’s birthday would be in JANUARY!!! Kirk’s is in March, which I am keeping canon with in TOS standard - since it's like, January in AOS canon. STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD! And we don’t have a true Spock birthday, so I’m making that one up.

**February 23 rd, 2262**

Bones took me off rotation today. What for I have _no_ idea. Even if he’d be yelling _YOU DAMAGED YOUR BACK ASSHOLE, YOU AREN’T DOING ANYTHING BUT LYING IN BED TODAY!_

Which, granted, gives me a chance to do reports on some backlogged stuff from before I went off on a side trip to Zeta V. Plus some holovids I can watch. I really like that one show from 2000 something. _Doctor Who_. Kind of crazy – considering time travel is now such a thing!

I’m waiting on JoAnna to contact me back. I’m trying to get a surprise in for Bones and his birthday coming up. She can’t be here physically, but he needs something more – physical when interacting with her. I hope it works out – I gotta do this for him.

And apparently it was perfect timing, because now I have the whole day off.

Spock’s birthday isn’t until July, so I have plenty of time to think about that one.

And they all are planning something for mine. Ugh. I’m turning thirty. It is time to run in the opposite direction.

Life on a star ship.

Okay, reports call my name. Later.


	55. Transmission 2262.055

**February 24 th, 2262**

These long distances between destinations always gives me pause.

Not really, but it sure gives me time to catch up on stuff.

This is ridiculously boring. There is nothing to do. It was all busy and crazy, and now it’s like – dead. Everyone is perfect and happy – well, not exactly. We never got shore leave. I think with being as far away from Starfleet Headquarters as we will be come this new destination, we’ll catch some planet side time that doesn’t equate to exploring and science.

Or I might have a mutiny on my hands, especially in the eyes of one Montgomery Scott. That’s how bad it could get.

I just deal with whatever, really. Between the crew and Spock, we are all right at home.

Spock said something to me last night – thank god for time keeping technology because I would think it was night all the time. Space equals dark. Anyway, we both knew that. But, yes, Spock. He said, ‘It would not be an insult to me if we were together.’

Cryptic much? What’s that even mean?!

We already are in a relationship!

Does he mean bonding?

He didn’t even give me a chance to ask – he went and meditated and was back in bed after I fell asleep.

Sometimes I have the strangest conversations with him.

But it doesn’t make me love him any less.


	56. Transmission 2262.056

**February 25 th, 2262**

This far out in space, I expected one of two things: absolutely no one else around, or Klingons.

How did I know we would run into Klingons?!!!!

Excuse me while I go talk in length with my First Officer and Chief Communications Officer. Command is not going to like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deliberately made this the shortest thing ever :P I'm evil.


	57. Transmission 2262.057

**February 26 th, 2262**

Let me start out by saying: no one got hurt. We received a far bit of damage from the Klingons needlessly attacking us unprovoked, but in the end, we won. And we aren’t sitting ducks.

Well, okay, we are. They might have… stolen some dilithium… ya know, I just - Fucking Klingons.

Command is sending someone out to help us. It’ll take about a week, but Scotty will make us float and survive until then. These transmissions are, of course, on stand-by, so I’m continuing to create them, but Uhura won’t be able to send them out until we have the necessary resources to do it without overtaxing the rest of the ship.

No one got hurt, thankfully. Spock is managing the bridge right now and I just got off a shift in Engineering. Scotty is pissed. He wants to know how the hell the Klingons got into our dilithium. Honestly, I want to know the same thing.

I think they might have specialized transporters. I’m not sure. Our shields were up. Still… something is fishy about this. Why they wanted our dilithium, I’m not sure. Maybe because we are the only ship in the part of space.

And then of course, after they attacked us and stole our dilithium, they legit _disappeared_.

Pretty sure this is not how I wanted this fucking mission to go.


	58. Transmission 2262.058

**February 27 th, 2262**

I have always imagined that Scotty would run off into the wild wild west (old holovids, mom – but maybe part Iowa too?!) screaming about warp cores, dilithium, and Klingons.

Mostly because I’m pretty sure half his staff right now is about to commit a mutiny against him and send him out in an emergency pod (kind of like Spock did to me… wow, haven’t thought about that in forever). Or better, just shoot him out of an airlock. Which, I’m sure my crew has wanted to do more than once to me, so…. I think we’re even. Even if Scotty is just trying to get things functioning again with what we have on hand.

But, really, the stress of the moment is very palpable, extremely critical, and valid. Scotty doesn’t know how the Klingons did it, and we are no closer to an answer than we were before they attacked. That’s how bad this situation is. We are still afloat and only two major systems were really affected – engineering and communications. We’re still breathing. Spock is looking into every possible idea – no luck so far, only because we have no proof they were even on the _Enterprise_ , nor how they got on IF they did. I’m going to assume they are creating their own technology that we don’t have any idea about. Next thing I know they’ll be trying to create another black hole. Red matter is a _hell no_.

There are hazards to being this far out in space, alone. We took that calculated risk. We also know how to handle ourselves in an emergency. Scotty is just a bit uptight at the moment.

Spock – yeah, Spock actually is handling this all really well. I leave him with the bridge half the time.

Bones is going to kill me, I’m sure of it. All this time I’m spending in engineering. He’s too busy with his staff though.

Overall, today has not been the best day. Damn Klingons.


	59. Transmission 2262.059

**February 28 th, 2262**

Kill me. Now.

Wait, wait – sorry. I really shouldn’t say shit like that, because we all know that I’ve already died. But it is so hard not to want to scream because this stress is hardly the kind of stress anyone wants, and somehow, I'm the _Captain_ in the middle of all this!

But I am not kidding, I think my whole crew is going _crazy_ , myself included.

And Spock is not himself at all.

I am worried.

We are stuck in the middle of space without help at the moment. We are waiting for help. And Spock is hiding away in his quarters. He won’t even let Bones in to see him.

Something is _wrong_.

I am pretty sure I can blame the Klingons on this one.

Excuse me while I go try to smooth over some ruffled feathers in Medical and Communications.

Oh, and no, our Communications network is still not back up and working.

Scotty is going to have my head.

Why am I the Captain?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it is so short. It was literally the worst day ever in the history of being a nurse... and the weekend won't get better. I have to get some sleep. I am not giving up on this thing. I will not. I cannot.


	60. Transmission 2262.060

**March 1 st, 2262**

Good, good. Communications is back up and working. And the _Horatio_ should be here in about two days. Which is good, very good.

Spock’s personal day yesterday must have been some ‘false alarm’ because he’s back to the bridge as normal. Still weary of the looks he gives me – he doesn’t do that when we’re on the bridge together. He is too professional. Obviously something is up. We just haven’t had time to sit down and talk – too much going on lately. I’m trying to catch him to talk, but again, I am all over the place and we just kind of fall asleep wherever we happen to be. He ends up in his quarters. I might have… fallen asleep in engineering twice... maybe three times. Don’t tell Bones! BONES, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO VIEW THESE!

JoAnna responded! Finally! Bones’ birthday is on the Fourth, so right on time! Oh, god, yeah, no, Bones can’t view these. He would know too much. Well, he can’tview them _before_ the Fourth. Yeah, yeah… he just can’t.

Yeah, it is great to have our communications network back, to a point. Now people can contact me... and Command can get on my ass, per usual!

Scotty is less stressed. Help is on the way, things are stable.

Hmmm, let me see… update on Chekov: kid is doing great. Really great. He’s back to work full time and Bones says (per Chekov’s report to me, ya know how patient confidentiality is) the ulcer is stable. Mostly because of the medications he is on. Not everything is hyposprays and ivs!

The rest of the crew are just chipper.

Remind me never to use that word again.

Okay, yup, somehow I’m finding extra time on my hands. Back to the bridge. LOVE YOU MOM!


	61. Transmission 2262.061

**March 2 nd, 2262**

Scotty managed to get auxiliary power going and we’re moving again. Slowly, inching ourselves forward towards the _Horatio_. We are expected to meet up with them in a few hours.

All is quiet. It actually hasn’t been a long day, but I’m hoping to go by Spock’s quarters. He has been evading me all day. I desire to speak to him, especially about his recent – reception. If I did something wrong – I mean, I don’t know if he has gotten over the whole Zeta V thing, but we haven’t brought it up in a while. He’s also been interacting with me appropriately. Just – strangely.

I might get a headache worrying about him. He’s – he is important to me, mom. I just wish he would be honest with me. Is honesty not logical or something? Because he really isn’t being honest with me. He is evading me. It has to be me. I just wish I knew what I did. I… I’m not exactly perfect when it comes to handling any relationship, and the fact we’ve been together for a while now… I guess we were going to come to a problem sooner or later.

It doesn’t get easier.

_Captain, may I speak with you in private?_

Oh, Spock! Yes, yes, please, come in.

Later, Mom.


	62. Transmission 2262.062

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this was my favorite one to write so far :D I don't even know why!!!

**March 3 rd, 2262**

Bones turned another year OLDER TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!

That’s it, that’s me today. The _Horatio_ is nearby and giving us much needed relief.

Except for one tiny, itty bitty problem – Spock asked to return to Vulcan by way of the _Horatio_.

He didn’t explain why. He just requested to be allowed the time off (which, mind you, he never does take time off and he certainly doesn’t _ask_ ). The _Horatio_ would be heading back to that area of space and Spock already asked if they would take him back to Vulcan. They said yes, contingent on my _answer_. Of course, Spock also said he would find his way back to the _Enterprise_ in due time. No timeline attached; no nothing.

I asked him every question I could think of. And he couldn’t answer them. And now I just know he is bullshitting me, because he knows why he needs to go back to Vulcan, especially when the _Enterprise_ isn’t headed that way any time soon. He just wants to get away from me. I… I don’t understand. I asked him if it was me and he – and I swore this happened, mom – he _pleaded_ with me to allow him to go. I asked him again if it was me, and he just shut down.

And that was all I needed.

It’s me.

I feel like I should be the one leaving.

But there is one thing I can do. The _Enterprise_ should be fixed in a few hours, and by then, Spock will know how I feel. And then we, the _Enterprise_ , are taking him personally back to Vulcan if that is his wish. I won’t let the _Horatio_ do my job.

Command should already have my head at this point for multiple things, along with Spock. Taking another unscheduled detour won’t hurt at this point. We’ve been stuck fucking around at a standstill for a bit now and not exactly making our deadline in the first place.

If anything, I heard rumors of more transfers. Lord only knows why I seem to be losing a majority of my auxiliary crew. Maybe we can get some quality Academy seniors. They all need a few good school months aboard the _Enterprise_.

_Jim, get your ass down here. We’ve got a problem. More like three problems._

Bones, what is going on?

_It’s Spock. And you aren’t going to like it._


	63. Transmission 2262.063

**March 4 th, 2262**

He’s dying.

In more or less words, but… that’s essentially what will happen if he –

I don’t understand. I – we’re in a relationship, right? And yet he didn’t want to tell me about this. Didn’t want to – _worry_ me. Except now I am involved. He either mates with someone or dies.

And yet he doesn’t want to do it with me.

He won’t even _listen_ to me. I’ll do it. Anything to save him from dying. Anything.

The _Horatio_ left and we’re on our way to New Vulcan. I contacted Ambassador Spock about this. I just – I don’t know what to do. I mean, we’ve been thinking about bonding, but we hadn’t gotten the chance to totally discuss it in length, and now that Spock is basically almost fully into Pon Farr…

Pon Farr is the Vulcan species way of mating. Spock wasn’t even sure he would go into it because he is only half Vulcan. It was delayed, but it came anyway. He had a betrothed, so to speak, before Nero destroyed Vulcan, however she perished with the planet.

Spock doesn’t want to harm me. It’s – it’s rough sex, really.

I feel like everything is spinning out of control. I don’t know how to convince Spock I am okay with this – I will do anything to save him, anything. I won’t let him die. I mean, I’d marry him. I would. And bonding is marriage.

I don’t know what to do. Damn it, I don’t believe in no-win scenarios!

Bones is preoccupied by his sick bay at the moment. We found out about all of this when Spock got violent, unintentionally, with a crew member from security. He ended up in sickbay with a concussion and a few scrapes and bruises. He will live. Spock locked himself in his quarters again, but per my orders, allowed Bones in to run a few tests. That’s when everything came out into the open.

I don’t want him to mate with someone he doesn’t love. Vulcans bond for life. Ambassador Spock said Spock may not find anyone, however the Vulcan species needs all the help in procreating as it is.

I don’t want to impede on their recreation, but… I love him, mom. I can’t lose him.

I need him.

I _need_ him.


	64. Transmission 2262.064

**March 5 th, 2262**

The _Enterprise_ is the fastest in her class, along with basically outlasting every other ship out there. Except, no matter how much I will her to just give me all she’s got to get to New Vulcan as fucking fast as possible, we are still barely making headway.

I am very worried about Spock. I am only doing what he requests of me because I – I care about him. And if this is what he wants, I will – allow it.

I feel a bit lost, knowing I’ve lost him. Hasn’t happened yet, but I’ve lost him forever, mom. He’ll bond with someone else and that’ll be it. No more relationship between us. No more _us_.

I’ve never had a relationship last even this long. Everyone knows that. Fuck, if Command knew – which fuck, fuck, fuck, they’ll figure it all out by the time we reach New Vulcan, especially since I disobeyed orders _again_. Patterns, I’m just the likely target. Anyway, if Command knew what was going on – I mean, shit. This is a disaster. And Spock doesn’t seem to… care about how I feel about this.

Where did I go wrong?

“Jim?”

Spock. What can I do for you?

“I wish to speak with you. About present conditions.”

Of course.

Later, mom.


	65. Transmission 2262.065

**March 6 th, 2262**

The bridge is all quiet. Engineering is all quiet. Bones told me to take it easy today. Between all this worry and Spock stuff and Command about to find out about fucking everything, I’m having some physical pains. If I ever see De’lana again, I am going to kill her. God damn it, this is hell.

Spock doesn’t want to hurt me. That’s what he explained last night. Especially because of my back. Because of my _physical_ problems. He’s been meditating a lot. I already know what will happen if he doesn’t mate, but I just had to know – I had to ask what would happen if he mated with someone else. The fact we wouldn’t be bonded would create some serious tension and problems.

He didn’t even respond to my question.

I can’t tell what he wants. Obviously he is much more emotional right now and things aren’t looking up – but I can see it in his eyes when I look at him – he _wants_ me, but he’s putting up all these barriers. Can’t he just know he can have me for everything? I love him. I’ve even _told_ him that. And he ran like a dog scared of the cat.

What am I supposed to do?

Ugh, lord only knows that everything was fine, dandy, and happy up until the inhabitants of Zeta V decided to pick on my navigator. Because now look where we are. This is fucked up. Totally and utterly fucked up.

I just-

_JIM!_

_JIM!_


	66. Transmission 2262.066

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tad bit early since I work tomorrow. It's going to be a long few weeks until April begins. We lost a nurse at work and scheduling basically blew up. I'm going to make so much overtime... good for the paycheck, bad for the mental health and physical needs like sleep. 
> 
> So, bear with me. I won't give up. I will attempt to post once a day. Or early! Trying, trying. If anything, I won't miss a day, so help me!

**March 7 th, 2262**

Well, this is, um, awkward. Uh, hi, Mrs. Kirk. Yeah, I’m not good at this. Only because – what do I tell you? How much has Jim already told you? I’m not exactly going to review all his transmissions to figure out what he has told you.

I guess I should start at the beginning.

I’m a medical doctor. And obviously – well. Okay. Let me say – DAMN IT! This is _hard_.

I - They are currently mating.

Spock is mating with Jim. They are having sex, and it is more Spock controlling everything Jim does. It is basically the complete opposite of what Spock is normally. No wonder we didn’t learn about it until Spock had to force it out as he hit this time of Pon Farr.

Jim is a bit preoccupied at this time. I make sure they are safe, and I make sure Jim is okay. But otherwise – it just has to pass.

It's rather personal, but Jim told me to tell you, well, everything that I could during this time, right before he knew he needed to save Spock, even at the expense of his own health. I fear for his back. I fear for their mental stability.

It is called Pon Farr. And since Spock wants Jim, regardless of what he was saying before he entered a crazed sex state, they are mating. Unfortunately it occurred too far from New Vulcan and Spock did not get his actual wish to mate apart from Jim. This is Spock's first time, and I know Jim would do anything for Spock. Even be fucked senseless for three days. That’s what Spock told me privately. It usually lasts three days – average. It is a very private thing in the Vulcan culture, so it isn’t exactly studied among humans.

I am carefully monitoring over both of them. It is a little weird, but welcome to biology. It will always be weird. Jim will be back in a few days, I am sure. As long as he doesn’t injure himself. I will keep you updated, Mrs. Kirk.

McCoy out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Pon Farr IT IS! Nothing graphic, promise. I can't actually write sex.
> 
> You might be wondering "what about the Klingons?!" Oh, don't worry. They have plans of coming back :P Along with so many other ideas. Kirk and Spock have way more stories to tell. Bring on the love, angst, and - problems.


	67. Transmission 2262.067

**March 8 th, 2262**

It isn’t exactly comfortable being in this situation. Jim is fragile. Spock is – not himself. And I’m in the middle mediating mating season.

We are still on our way to New Vulcan and should be there in a few days. Not sure how much good that will do either of them, seeing as Spock been in control for over thirty six hours. The average time is about three days, but that’s just from Spock mentioning it. I don’t know enough about this condition, or this process.

Continuing to monitor. Jim looks a bit exhausted – probably from a complete lack of sleep in the past few – weeks. He always runs himself into the ground, even when things are boring. And especially when Klingons are in the way.

I don’t even know if we’ll figure out what was up with the Klingons. Or if it even _was_ Klingons! Mystery is always around us.

I will attempt to keep you posted, Mrs. Kirk.

McCoy out.


	68. Transmission 2262.068

**March 9 th, 2262**

I always knew I would lose Spock to Kirk – it was kind of obvious from day one. Then of course when Jim died, it solidified in everyone’s mind that they were destined to be together. That almost seemed lost until Dr. McCoy brought the bastard back from the dead. They’ve been inseparable ever since, even if their relationship didn’t start until a few months ago.

I won’t say that I’m not a tiny bit disappointed, but a part of me is glad that Spock has found someone he can fully bond with. Even in the beginning, Spock and I weren’t going to work. He was – worth it, honestly, but I knew that when this point in time came, I would not be able to give in. Pon Farr is terrifying enough without the knowledge that whoever goes through it with a Vulcan is bonded for life. It is why Vulcans mate for life – pinging around the universe wouldn’t work. It is why it is also extremely private and – in a word – embarrassing for them. It strips them of everything they were for a period of time and that bothers the majority of them. Their culture is strict about this kind of thing – but it just amazes me how different they are from humans… and in other ways, not so different.

Dr. McCoy believes it is almost over. Spock’s blood levels are almost back to normal. His mood drastically changed. Jim is – well, that I don’t know. Dr. McCoy won’t tell me anything.

As our first officer and captain are currently still locked in Spock’s quarters, Mr. Scott is Captain. Nothing going on really. I didn’t want to let these transmissions falter out. Jim would hate that.

Hope you are doing well, Mrs. Kirk. Don’t tell Jim, but we are planning on a huge celebration for his birthday in a few weeks. It’ll be crazy. If only Command would give us shore leave. That would help the stress.

Hope Jim can hear from you soon. Hope the deep space trek is just as exciting as this crazy adventure.

Lieutenant Uhura signing off.


	69. Transmission 2262.069

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end notes will have translations for the massive amount of Vulcan I used in this part.

**March 10 th, 2262**

I am ak'sh'iz of my actions. I feel zherka that I should not be allowed to feel, however I am still part human. And these zherka do not escape me.

I am not don to have your son, m'aih of Jim, adun'a of George Kirk. My actions are a grave tr'y'jar against your hospitality and ves ashau. I should not be speaking to you at this time. Your sa-fu is ek'man'es in the kau-bosh hands of Dr. McCoy. I am keeping my ir at this time, as my t’hy’la needs time to esh-tor after these few unsettling days.

My culture is strict about these types of things, but you must know, Mrs. Kirk, that I will do everything to protect your sa-fu, as he is all I have. We have created a tel, a bond, and nothing can break it, except death. It is still being decided whether we should strengthen this tel through a Van-Kal t'Telan, however Jim is still processing its creation.

Thrap-fam'es nufau, for I am not myself still.

He means a great deal to me, m'aih of Jim, adun'a of George Kirk. Please understand that I will do nothing to harm him. Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vulcan translations ([source](http://www.starbase-10.de/vld/)):
> 
> Ak’sh’iz = ashamed  
> Zherka = emotions  
> Don = worthy  
> M’aih = mother  
> Adun’a = wife  
> Tr’y’jar = crime  
> Ves ashau = kind love  
> Sa-fu = son  
> ek'man'es = safety (safe)  
> kau-bosh = wise  
> ir = distance  
> t’hy’la = lover, brother, friend  
> esh-tor = breathe  
> tel = bond  
> Van-Kal t'Telan = ceremony of bonding  
> Thrap-fam'es nufau = forgiveness (essentially, no offense, forgive me, etc)


	70. Transmission 2262.070

**March 11 th, 2262**

Hi mom.

So… Spock and I….

I’m not entirely sure what I want to tell you. Sorry, this is really new for me. Spock is _in my head_. Creepy, but not creepy. I’m actually okay with it. It’s just a new feeling is all.

We made it to New Vulcan just a few hours ago. Spock and I are planning to head down in a few minutes. I’m okay, really. This is just all new and really – weird. I have a Vulcan bond with my First Officer. Our relationship has taken a complete turn. We are basically married. He doesn’t pry or anything, and I don’t pry at his thoughts. It’s more like a conscious thing at the back of my mind that I can tap into and say _hi_ to. Haven’t had a lot of time to try it out – haha, especially when this will be in my head for the rest of my life.

God, what will Spock do if I die?

Anyway, when we go down to New Vulcan, we are going to talk to Spock’s family (that’ll be anxiety driven. I have a hard time with Vulcans as it is, and now a room full of them? And them basically being my in-laws? WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?! No, wait… I’m okay. I’m fine.)

Mom, you have a son in-law. Don’t freak out, okay?

“Captain?”

Hey, Spock. Ready to beam down?

“If you need more time before appearing before my clan-“

Stop thinking you’ve ruined shit, Spock. I’m fine. This is going to work out. Maybe a little fast, but we’ll work through this. I’m just updating my mom.

See, see, this is going to be _fine_ , everyone. Actually, I think I might like this whole bond thing. It is nice to know I have instant communication with you, Spock.

“I forced you into a non-consensual act of sex, which resulted in a bond being formed. You have every right to not be satisfied.”

Spock, would you – jesus, stop. Mom, I have to convince my new betrothed here that us basically getting married isn’t a bad thing.

“We have not performed a bonding ceremony yet. The bond is not mature.”

And that is something we are going to talk about down on the planet. Which we should get to. Don’t want to keep everyone waiting. Especially Sarek. You think Ambassador Spock will be there?

“It is likely.”

Sweet. Okay, mom, I will talk with you tomorrow. Oh, and we’ll keep you updated on a wedding date. Which, for the record, I want you there.

And if all else fails, I’ll transmission you the whole damn thing.


	71. Transmission 2262.071

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bring on the - everything. Oh JIM. -_-
> 
> *in other news, YES I'M MAD. THANK YOU VERY MUCH CHRISTOPHER WHITELAW PINE FOR BEING AN IDIOT. (cough) He happened to be arrested for driving while intoxicated. Sigh. It's been a very conflicting 24 hours so far...*

**March 12 th, 2262**

I have never felt so much contempt from a group of people before as I did yesterday. And we have to go back down to the planet again today. They want to search my mind – this is going to be difficult. Spock, in all his emotionless, blank slate of a face, has given me worried telepathic communication. He’s worried, mom, about me and what this might mean for us. And yet, we already have a connection. They can’t exactly take it from us. If they try, one or both of us could _die_. And like the rest of the world, including myself, I don’t really want to die again. And I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want Spock to die – ever. I’m human, I’m going to die (again, ugh) before him. And that is how it should be. Plus, I’m pretty sure Starfleet would have a field day if their best Captain and First Officer of the Fleet, oh, died _on New Vulcan_. Which, we actually shouldn’t be here. But so far, Command hasn’t uttered a word. A little weird. We were supposed to be exploring unexplored space before Klingons attacked and Spock went into Pon Farr. It’s been a crazy few weeks!

Anyway, Spock stayed the night meditating on New Vulcan. I have to be down there in about two hours for them to do their mind thing – I am a little anxious, I won’t lie. I – privacy things. Tarsus. _Frank._ Mom… Spock… this is hard to talk about. Even to you. I might slip down a little early to talk with Ambassador Spock. Maybe see if – well, to ask if this was as frustrating when he was with his Jim. Maybe he knows about shit I went through in this timeline… maybe we went through the same stuff. I don’t know. I need someone to confide in, and he seems logical. Spock right now – this new connection is a bit – it is still maturing. I’m still testing it. Spock is mostly shielding on my request until I can learn. Hopefully he can start teaching me really soon. Once we set back out on our actual mission.

I can’t really tell if this has brought us closer. I mean, yeah, I did just have three days straight worth of sexual intercourse because wow, he gets possessive in Pon Farr. He just – he wasn’t himself, and I understand why that makes the Vulcan species so private, and embarrassed. They aren’t logical – they are animals with passion when they are in their mating time. And I can’t believe he decided to mate with me. We have a bond now though. And Spock had a fucking revelation or something because now I’m basically called three things: Jim, Captain, or t’hy’la. He describes it as lover, brother, friend. All three at once, really. And it is _rare_. And I’m his. Our relationship is crazy weird.

But I mean… now he can’t have kids. Heck, we can’t have kids unless we procreate with someone else of the female variety. I guess we will see what happens. I know the Vulcan species needs to continue growing – extinction is not easy to come back from. But Spock is half human and half Vulcan. How that helps continue the Vulcan existence, I’m not sure. I should ask that when I go back down today.

Weird thoughts for a weird day.

I’m going to go bug the Ambassador. No wedding date – haha. If they even let us mature our bond in a bonding ceremony, that is. Maybe after this whole mind search thing today… ugh, not ready.

Love you mom!


	72. Transmission 2262.072

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny bit early :D

**March 13 th, 2262**

Okay, mom, you are looking at the new happy couple.

I’m half kidding. We aren’t officially ‘married’ *Jim puts up air quotes while rolling his eyes* because the family clan wants us to sit on it for a bit longer. But we still have a bond, so that's something.

“A year, to be precise.”

Yeah, okay, a year. Still no date, sorry. They want us to wait until next March or even next summer to really officially make the bond complete – especially when T’Pau can be around. She’s off planet right now, and we need to get back to our current duties as the Command crew of the _Enterprise_. Our bond is ‘still maturing’ and we ‘aren’t ready for that kind of commitment’ yet, which is bullshit.

“Jim-“

No, okay, I am _okay_ with this. I want to be yours. We have a bond. We fucked for _three days straight_. I still have the fucking BRUISES TO PROVE IT! How is it I am a fucking human male and yet your family literally _hates_ me?

“Vulcans do not hate.”

No, they loathe. They loathe that I am bonded to you. Did you _see_ the look your father gave me after I walked out with T’Lan and Satok yesterday after they searched my mind? Nope, you didn’t, because you weren’t there. And for your information, they didn’t even discuss with me what they saw. I was told to report to the _Enterprise_ without preamble, without finding out _anything_. And then you came back and – just… no. They don’t like this, that’s for sure.

“I should have been there-“

Spock, _stop_. You are agonizing over something you can’t do anything about now. It’s okay. You were occupied. They wanted you to be occupied.

“You are unfamiliar with my heritage and their ways. It was not appropriate of them to separate us.”

Well, we will convince them of that exact thought process next time. We’re going to be okay. And now we have time to plan.

Mom, we’re going to plan, okay? And you’re going to be there. If our wedding does happen next year, we’ll get you there no matter what, even if we have to come get you.

“It would be an honor to have you there, Mrs. Kirk.”

See, he’s so sweet.

“Jim, about – in regards to the Pon Farr-“

I told you I’m okay. We did the right thing. I wasn’t going to let you die. We didn’t even make it to New Vulcan while you were in Pon Farr. We would never have made it. I have no lasting injuries. Stop worrying yourself over it. You’re _alive_ , and you are – how do I prove to you that I am okay?

“By being yourself.”

I am always myself, silly. I love you.

Sorry, mom, getting mushy. Later.


	73. Transmission 2262.073

**March 14 th, 2262**

We forgot about Bones’ birthday.

Okay, forgot is the wrong word. It was sort of overlooked because of Spock’s personal issues, which later turned into a much bigger thing than… just simply being something to worry about.

In other words, SHIT. FORGOT ABOUT BONES’ BIRTHDAY!

So the element of surprise was on my side when I shoved him into his office and turned on his PADD. He doesn’t cry often, but he did. His little girl – not so little anymore, but ya know. It was good to give him something else to think about, especially since he hasn’t seen her since we left earth over two years ago.

Makes me miss you, mom. It’s been – gosh, what, three years since I was in the hospital? Not a day goes by that I’m not… glad to be alive. Dying wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. Wish I could see your face. Hope you are getting these.

I know this mission isn’t going to end any time soon, and you are lord knows where. We’re on our way back to that one unexplored part of space we were supposed to be at like, two weeks ago. Guess we will be in contact at one point. It’s why I don’t stop these transmissions.

Spock and I will get married one day, even if the Vulcans decided we weren’t ready. It’s neat having Spock in my head at times. In fact, he’s looking for me right now. Only partly creepy, I know. I should go. I have an inspection in Engineering to attend, and then Bones wanted another physical on me. It seems rough sex doesn’t do well for me physically – all his words, I swear!

Love you. I’m going to go run into Spock. Or – well, you get it.


	74. Transmission 2262.074

**March 15 th, 2262**

It’s going to be a pretty boring few days while we travel without anything to do. I did, however, get a transmission from Command. Of course Admiral Barnett doesn’t like me – who would after getting Marcus killed?

Don’t tell Carol I said that.

They can’t really bash me over the head right now. At least my First Officer is, _I don’t know_ , alive?! What do they want me to say? That their ignorance is fucking hilarious over the fact I basically can do whatever I want with their flagship? Or that I might be in a relationship with said First Officer, and no one is going to point fingers?

I find it funny the second they figured it out, they just went ‘whatever.’

Except _of course_ Admiral Barnett would demand thorough documentation of whatever the hell just happened and that the next time I’m near civilization – ha, they _sent_ us on this five year mission, what do they expect? – I will be answering to my shit.

The last time I actually obeyed a call to a starbase, my navigator was sentenced to life as a sex slave. Yeah, I trust them only as far as I can see the whites of their eyes.

I’m not so worried about their retaliation anymore. The worst they could do is demote me. Fire me. Whatever. Dishonorable discharge. Throw my name away. But they can’t take my life, and they can’t take Spock away.

He wouldn’t do that to me, not now, not ever.

They underestimate the power of this crew. And they forget that Spock is not a fucking pin cushion, nor is he a leaf waiting to be blown around.

If they want to charge us with emotional compromise, whatever. Our relationship isn’t hindering our job performance.

My First Officer’s _health_ is another subject entirely.

We made an emergency detour because if we didn’t, Spock would have died. Even if everything was over with by the time we made it to Vulcan… they don’t need to know that piece of information. What they don’t know isn’t going to hurt them.

Not to mention, the unexplored piece of space we are heading to is just that – UNEXPLORED. We don’t know what is there or what is waiting for us. What, we took too long getting there? I mean, holy crap, what about the KLINGONS?! That needlessly attacked us on our way there. Because that’s not even being DISCUSSED.

I smell something rotten. And I am going to figure out what it is.

Man, why am I starship Captain?!


	75. Transmission 2262.075

** March 16th, 2262 **

Boring day is boring. I literally have nothing to report.

Spock’s on duty and it is ridiculously lonely. Bones forced me off shift a few hours early because, and I quote, ‘you haven’t been sleeping. You are going to bed, and that is an order.’ Somehow I didn’t know he could be so _nice_. Like, wow!

Not that taking me off shift is going to work. I’m still up. Insomnia can do that to you.

My back is killing me. Maybe I should lie down. Okay, yeah. Well, things are okay. Stable. Nothing from Command. I think they are waiting for this one exploring spot to pass before completely coming at me. Yeah, let’s see how well that works.

Talk to you tomorrow.


	76. Transmission 2262.076

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy St. Patrick's Day! I did wear green :D

** March 17th, 2262 **

I look ugly in green. Whoever decided this was a good idea is sadly mistaken on what exactly I, James Tiberius Kirk, look good in.

Which is why I’m not wearing it. It is pointless. This old earth tradition is like, lame. Plus, we have plenty of other sentient species on this ship. We can’t just celebrate everything under the sun.

Bones pinched me.

*Jim makes a pouting face*

Sigh, okay, yup, more boring, more same old same old.

Something exciting better happen soon.

_Jim, get your ASS TO SICKBAY RIGHT NOW!_

Okay, now he’s just pissing me off.

Later mom.


	77. Transmission 2262.077

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strong swearing.

**March 18 th, 2262**

I sedated his ass because he wouldn’t fucking sit still.

I should start at the beginning.

Mr. James T. Kirk has two flaws. Lack of pain receptors and lack of respect for his chief medical officer’s sound medical advice. He probably has more, but those are his two main flaws right now.

Asshole wouldn’t actually tell me his legs were going numb far too often. I took multiple scans. His spine is about five seconds away from emergency surgery. I don’t want to put him through a complicated procedure just yet, but it is likely I will not be allowed to hold off any longer. Pon Farr and his reckless selflessness in regard to the _Enterprise_ ’s navigator and maybe some shifts in Engineering have pinched his nerves pretty badly. I only sedated his ass because he wouldn’t sit still and he was joking everywhere when I was trying to be serious. He just doesn’t GET IT!

He wouldn’t even answer when I asked him if he could feel my fingers on his toes. He wouldn’t move them either for me. Either he couldn’t or he was being obstinate, I don’t know. He wasn’t being serious.

Spock is holding a vigil. I think Sulu is Acting Captain right now. I don’t think I’ve seen a Vulcan look so worried – and they’ve been in a shit ton of horrible situations together. Including Jim’s death.

I won’t let your son lose his legs in any way shape or form. He’s obstinate, of course, but I won’t let him do this to himself. He’s got too much to live for. Like Spock. His crew. You. His wedding. Friendships. A family.

I’ll keep you updated, Mrs. Kirk.

McCoy out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And welcome to our next plot point....


	78. Transmission 2262.078

**March 19 th, 2262**

He is illogical and irresponsible. He won’t talk to me and assumes everything is a joke. He’s in pain, but is masking it rather well.

And he’s blocking me through our bond.

Jim is in sickbay with a reported spinal nerve pinch. Dr. McCoy is, in his own words, ‘anxiously awaiting any signs that he can avoid major surgery’. I do not see that happening.

I do not know how to convince him this is not a time to be courageous. He was injured and deemed stable, and now that injury has progressed into an unstable phase.

But he will not listen to me.

I am at a loss for words.

_Commander Spock, he is asking for you._

I must report back to Sickbay.


	79. Transmission 2262.079

**March 20 th, 2262**

It is 2230, stardate 2262.079 by earth terms. Dr. McCoy took Jim into surgery two hours ago. He did not promise it to be a short surgery, as to the extent of what he might find does not sound – comforting, in human emotional terms.

All this time he has been quiet and illogical, unwilling to discuss this with me. He is a fast learner and figured out that he could block me from communicating with him through our bond, and he continues to be… stubborn. Illogical. I am there to help him, to talk, to _love him_ fully, but he won’t let me. He wouldn’t explain what was going on, what he was – feeling. He seemed melancholy in regards to command being stripped from him at this time. He is in sickbay, _injured_. He is not fit for command right now.

I - I am not an emotional individual. Vulcans keep their emotions hidden deep. However, he does not discuss with me _anything_. It is possible I was wrong to bond with him – forsaking Pon Farr – as he does not seem to trust me. I find this matter troubling.

We have much to learn, and much to talk about. I do not want to lose him – not so soon after bonding. It would not – do well for the moral of the ship.

Or us.

It is illogical to feel worry, but I am anxious. He never commented on pain or problems. He has expressed pain before. This is – something different. But it is still serious. And he cannot keep it away from me. It is not right.


	80. Transmission 2262.080

**March 21 st, 2262**

I am going to need more coffee if this bastard keeps this up. Okay, maybe not coffee. Bourbon and whiskey and maybe the stuff Scotty has in Engineering – in an IV. I need a constant flow to keep this shit stable long enough to allow him to do the next idiotic thing.

Thankfully, his vertebrae are now restored to proper alignment and I shouldn’t have to mess with them again. It was a long ass surgery. It’s about seven fifteen in the morning and the whole ship is about to wake up while the few of those who were up go to sleep. Spock won’t listen to me when I told him to get some rest. Jim won’t be up for a while now. Then again, Spock and I are about the same – neither of us will leave him alone, even when he’s asleep and we aren’t doing any good.

Spock has done this before. Many times. But I remember when Jim was in a coma way back when. Spock didn’t leave the whole two weeks. I think that’s when it all started. That defining moment when Spock figured it all out. It just took them a few months longer than expected to hook up. Spock actually tried to make it work with Uhura – but even she knew Spock was pining for Jim.

Now the two assholes are bonded, and yet still seem to be about three planets apart in their thinking. Which, for the record, has always been the truth, and I didn’t expect it to change overnight, but they have a shit ton to work on. I’m not even saying it was Pon Farr that started Jim’s problems – we all know that was the fucking Zeta V species – but he should have said something. To someone. I can’t believe I missed the signs. They were – not all that obvious, unfortunately. Jim’s a puzzle, and he’s difficult to put together when you don’t have all the facts. The tricorders and scans and amazing technology don’t get to tell me everything. And he’s not honest with me – never has been.

The unlucky bastard gets to spend his birthday tomorrow in sickbay. At least the party will be centralized. No one else is in here at the moment. He doesn’t know yet.

What am I ever going to do with him? Yeah, I don’t know either.

McCoy out.


	81. Transmission 2262.081

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I have to say it?
> 
> Oh, okay.
> 
> Happy birthday, Kirk :P

**March 22 nd, 2262**

Oh, god, you let them ambush me. I hate you all. Mom, I hate them _all_.

“He’s just drugged, Mrs. Kirk. He should be glad we gave him a PADD. And that I’m nice enough to route these transmissions in your direction. I mean, really, Jim, a little more gratitude-”

Ugh, please, don’t remind me, Uhura. But thank you – and I mean that. For what you do. But really - I mean, look! They fucking decorated the place. My crew is _nuts_. This is sickbay!

“But we know you like it, Keptin!”

It’s – a nice thought, yeah… thank you, Chekov.

“If you hadn’t ended up in sickbay, it would have just been somewhere else.”

I was supposed to be on duty today, thank you very much, Bones.

“Then maybe it would have been louder than this. Then again – Scotty, are you hiding the alcohol?”

“Me?! Of course not, doctor. Never.”

Don’t listen to, Bones. Mom, Scotty brought me vodka. If I wasn’t stuck in a biobed, I’d gladly down half of it right now.

“And he says this all while in the presence of said doctor. Good job, Jim.”

He thinks I’m kidding.

“It would seem this conversation is at a stale mate.”

SPOCK! Hi, yes, just in time. They started without you.

“I was held up by an Ensign on the bridge. I did not mean to be tardy.”

You weren’t, I promise you that. Okay, everyone, say cheese, and then I’m ending this transmission.

“Why are we saying cheese?”

“Captain, I must ask what exactly the purpose is in saying ‘cheese’?”

“Jim -“

You have to love them. Anyway, we’re all going to say bye now because they brought a cake, and for that alone, I’m going to shut them all up. Again, my crew and all their itty bitty idiosyncrasies are _nuts_.

BYE!

BYE MRS. KIRK!

BYE MOM!


	82. Transmission 2262.082

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I can't remember how to name unexplored space - lol. So... all I ask is a tiny bit of suspension of belief in this fanfic? Thanks.

**March 23 rd, 2262**

Still in Sickbay. It’s boring. Really boring. Bones just hypos me every other hour and says it is for my own good. I think he’s a little more pissed than usual. I wonder why.

No, okay, they may think I’m dumb with how I act, but I’m not. I know I pissed both of them off. Bones wants honesty, and Spock – Spock just wants to be nosy. But it wasn’t even that fucking bad. For some reason Bones expected me to think every little ache and pain was a problem and needed to be reported immediately. I actually was doing really good until I noticed I couldn’t feel my feet. I managed to keep walking until I – well, we won’t go there.

But anyway, he freaks out because I didn’t HAVE any symptoms! And no I couldn’t feel his touch. Actually… still can’t. I’m not lying to him. I’m just – he’s too worried. Bones is fucking worried, and Spock is right up there with him on the LET’S ALL WORRY ABOUT JIM train. And it’s annoying.

I am a grown adult.

Oh, I saw the look in Spock’s eyes last night. He said we were going to talk – I’ve heard that one before. It’s early in the morning right now, so Spock is sleeping – ha, right – and Bones is also asleep.

I just want to get back to being Captain. Is that too much to ask? We are supposed to arrive at – hold on, it has a name, bringing it up on my PADD here – ah, yes, we are arriving in three days and twenty two hours (with an added 4 minutes, scary accurate!) to the planetary system of W14789, where there are twelve completely unclassified planets awaiting our scientific eyes. I’m kind of excited!

But I’m going to assume I’ll be here for a while.

Just my luck.

I’m tired. Insomnia again. I told M’Benga to stay away from me, especially with the sedative hypo. I don’t need it. I just need to get back into my routine. Which has been harshly diverted for the past – few weeks. Ugh.

Later, mom.


	83. Transmission 2262.083

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK, the fact the chapter number says 83 is a bit daunting. :P

**March 24th, 2262**

Spock, stop fussing. 

“I am not, as you say, ‘fussing’ – I do not fuss.” 

Sure. You aren’t fussing and I’m not four days post major back surgery. Good enough for you? 

“I can come back later when you are not-“

WILL YOU SIT?!!! You want to talk, and I’m bored. You did bring what I asked, right? 

“Of course, Captain.” 

He’s serious when he calls me that, even when I’m technically not Captain at the moment. Ugh, sorry, mom, bad timing. Oh, good, chess. Perfect. 

“Would you be amiable to playing and talking at the same time?” 

I would. It’s our favorite pastime Spock, I could only assume we would. Just as long as we aren’t interrupted by Bones. Those hypos are evil. 

“As the mechanism of the injection of a hypo is painless, your argument that they are ‘evil’ is lacking.” 

You would say that. 

Okay, well, now that he is bitching me out in my head – thank you, Spock, for that – we are going to play our chess game and ‘talk’. He just loves to kick me when I’m down. 

“I do not understand-“

Of course not. Bye mom! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AO3 currently won't allow me to use their own formatting section, so I am having to do the HTML on my own (thank you useful 9th and 10th grade Computer class :D), but AO3 uses different html for certain things, so today's format will be off (by one thing, but still... I like consistency) until AO3 gets it shit together. Thanks for understanding!


	84. Transmission 2262.084

**March 25 th, 2262**

“Can you feel that?”

I… no, I can’t.

“Okay. How about this?”

*audible sigh from Dr. McCoy* “Okay, we’ll try something different.”

I’m not getting out of here anytime soon, am I?

“No, Jim, I don’t think so.”

Got it.

“I do not mean to interrupt-“

“No, Commander, you aren’t. I’m done. You can have him.”

Hi Spock! Bones was just checking out how well my nerves are working. Or lack thereof.

“Not funny, kid.”

I know that, I’m just getting Spock up to speed.

“If you are done, Doctor, I would like to be alone with the Captain.”

He’s sending me questioning vibes through our link. You should go, Bones.

“Right, you and your ‘link’. I’ll leave you two obvious love birds alone for now. Don’t hesitate to not mention anything else in regards to your health, Jim.”

Love you too, Bones.

I actually am honest with him, he knows that, right? I can’t feel my toes or feet or legs. I can’t walk right now. And that’s serious.

“You were not truthful with him before you ended up in Sickbay, Captain.”

And I’m Captain now, am I? What’s up, Spock? Last night wasn’t good enough for you?

“I did not mean to offend you last night. I – I desired honesty. To which you gave me. However, I am inquiring to whether you have thought about our last topic of conversation.”

As to whether this was a good idea and am I really ready for this kind of commitment?

“Yes.”

*Jim sighs* We can make this work. I told you that last night. It’s just – this is really new to me. I don’t – I understand you want to make sure I’m safe and healthy. That’s exactly what a significant other is meant to do. But the level of commitment you ask in regards to my – emotions and my pain and every little thing that goes wrong with me is a bit much. It’s why I’m hesitant to let you into my mind as much as I already do. It’s a – trust issue. And I do trust you, do not get me wrong. But I’m telling you, in all honesty, there were no symptoms preceding this problem. I felt fine. And then it went to hell and a hand basket. But everyone seems to think I wasn’t being honest. Well, I wasn’t in pain and it was only a faint numbness. You blamed me for not being honest, so I gave up trying. Do you see what I’m trying to get at?

Okay, okay, wow. I do not mean THAT drastic. You don’t have to leave. Please-

“I see now that forcing you to bond with me through the Pon Farr mating season was wrong. You were not ready. I believe it is prudent to discuss how we-“

 _Stop_. Spock, stop. I swear we’ve yelled and ranted about this ever since we bonded. It hasn’t been all that long. Even you said we need to take it easy and slow with this. Heck, the elders said the same thing – we’re not ready yet to even have a consummated bond, a fully formed, mature bond, because we’re not there yet.

I love you. I don’t want you to leave me. Never have I said that. I’m fucking illogical about you. I just want to ensure that my privacy is still a part of your wishes in this agreement. I’m human. I don’t have what Vulcans have – I’m just not Vulcan. I’m sorry about that.

“It is possible that is where I went wrong.”

Oh, come on. Don’t say that –

“I need to meditate. For now, this discussion is…”

Not over. I get that. I’m sorry if I can’t give you the answer you want.

“All I ask is that you are yourself, Jim. I must meditate.”

Okay, Spock. I love you.

This is… hard.

Oh, oops! Sorry, mom, I forgot I wanted to send you a message. I guess you got all that. I just wish – when do I get my Spock back? The one I love? When my health isn’t involved? Is that when I’ll get him back and we can be happy again? Because ever since the Chekov incident, the tension has been palpable every _single day_. And it didn’t get better after we bonded. I close up because of fear, and he – now wants to dissolve it.

I feel like I’m losing a battle. I don’t want to lose him. He asked for my honesty. How do I show him that everything will be okay?

I guess it is a mercy that he doesn’t want me to change. I guess we both have a lot to think about.

I just wish… I wonder - where did we get on different wave lengths?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh. They know how to talk. I just hope they both get this shit resolved soon. I'm going a little crazy. JIM, SPOCK, WORK IT OUT!


	85. Transmission 2262.085

**March 26 th, 2262**

I want to go exploring.

I can’t exactly do that when I’m disabled.

Fuck, I want to be healed. What is WRONG?!!!

“Swelling. Traumatic surgery does that. Actually, I believe the surgery went perfectly fine, however the swelling is decreasing at a very slow rate, which means you still can’t feel anything. And you happen to be allergic to the few steroids I have on hand, so I can’t give you anything to help along the process.”

So my hypos are…?

“Antibiotics. On occasion a mute button.”

I hate you.

_Captain, we will be arriving at W14789 in two hours and thirty five minutes. Would you like a debriefing when we arrive?_

Yes, Mr. Spock, that would be agreeable. Thank you.

“And somehow you are still carrying on with your job from my Sickbay. Should have guessed.”

I’m BORED! AND I CAN’T MOVE.

“I’m trying my best, Jim!”

I know, I know. I just… how much longer do you think?

“Two, three weeks.”

I am not sitting here for the WHOLE TIME WE EXPLORE W14789! THAT’S NOT FAIR!

“I shouldn’t have to explain to you the fact this was your fault.”

I really, really hate you.

“I’m sorry, Jim. There isn’t much I can do.”

Leave me alone.

“Jim-“

I mean it - leave me alone. I want to be alone.

I give up.

I think I’ve lost just about _everything_.

This is pointless.


	86. Transmission 2262.086

**March 27 th, 2262**

The little rascal threw his PADD at me and told me to get out just a few minutes ago. I've never seen him so - his face said it all. Depression. Insomnia. Grief.  
  
Oh, and he yelled at Spock.  
  
He won't talk though. Doesn't want to talk. Doesn't want to eat. Won't let me touch him.  
  
He has never actually been this unwilling before. Present circumstances as they are -  
  
"Doctor, may I enter?"  
  
Fine, Spock. What is it?  
  
"The Captain seems to be - for lack of another term, 'shutting down', as you would say."  
  
I noticed, Spock. I can only do so much for him.  
  
"Are you not his doctor? Should you not also be, as illogical as it may sound, attending so his emotional needs?"  
  
Damn it, Spock, I am not a psychiatrist! I am not his counselor. He knows this!  
  
"But isn't holistic medical care your mantra? That the whole person is involved? If I can correctly assume, you have been ignoring the Captain's warning signs of neglect and uncertainty."  
  
To what regard, Spock?  
  
"His human emotions dictate fear of never taking over Command of the Enterprise again. Of his fear that he will never walk again. And as I am his bond mate, you are doing an unsatisfactory job attending to his most crucial needs."  
  
You don't think I am taking good enough care of Jim? I have been at that asshole's side for years, and am ALWAYS patching him up, and you have the guts to tell me I'm not doing a good enough job this time around?!!! Ludicrous!  
  
"You are handling his physical ailment satisfactorily, Doctor. However, you are missing what he needs most right now - his friends."  
  
And you're doing the perfect job there, now aren't you, Spock? Playing the perfect husband. No, you two aren't mad or frustrated with each other. Nope, that also isn't affecting Jim. This is all on me, his doctor.  
  
Oh, don't want to answer to that, do you? Because what, the lies aren't good enough for you? And how have you figured this all out when he's throwing things at us now and won't even let my nurses care for him properly?  
  
"I - his shields are lack at this time. I feel his distress, his worry, his fear. And they are unsettling. My meditation has been disrupted. Our problems are tiny compared to what he is going through right now and I believe we have both wronged him in this regard. We need to reach out to him. He is our friend, and our Captain."  
  
I - I get what you're saying, Spock.  
  
"Then we need to do better. I will not lose him over this. We have had our differences, and we are still uncertain of our future together, however I have had to adjust my thinking in terms of his ability to be an adult. He is one. We should be treating him as such. He is allowed to report pain or not, that decision is solely up to him. Furthermore, it should be noted that in his current state, Jim did not know. He didn't have anything to report until it was too late. You do not get to fault him for that."  
  
He's told me as much.  
  
"We both disbelieve him because of who he is. His faith - his trust in us is faltering because of our actions. I believe it prudent to have a, as humans say, heart-to-heart with him, and promptly, before we lose him."  
  
God, we screwed up. No wonder he's gotten the way he is.  
  
"We can make it right, Doctor McCoy. And at this moment, I seem to have ample time. The crew is scanning the first of twelve planets. I am not needed unless something critical occurs."  
  
Okay, Spock. I'll be right there. We will see if he will talk to us.  
  
Jim. He's not okay right now. But I see where I went wrong. No one is telling him anything, and he feels - lonely. I can understand why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured it out. No, wait, Spock and Bones figured it out. Now, for Jim to um... figure it out... o.0 Oh boy.


	87. Transmission 2262.087

** March 28th, 2262 **

Jim ran out of PADDs to throw at people - myself, my staff, Spock, CHEKOV. He also just - stopped fighting. But that also means he has stopped talking, eating, and participating in any care whatsoever. Doesn't even bitch about the hypos. Complete and utter shutdown. And when he doesn't respond, my nurses give me varying reports of taking it as acceptance or refusal. However, I won't force him to do anything. I worry about his health, his mindset. This isn't like him. Something is - far different.

We attempted to broach a conversation with him, but he wouldn't even move an inch for us. I believe Spock tried speaking telepathically and - nothing. He got no answer back.

I have never seen a more complex facial expression of confusion, intense thinking, and complete and utter lack of emotion on a Vulcans face - and that face being Spock's too boot!!

It is discouraging how Jim is acting. Even trying to ask him if he is okay, or wants to talk, is like trying to convince a brick wall to do something for you. He is injured and just - broken. I broke him.

I did more scans today, but they show no change. Jim didn't acknowledge what I was telling him, even though I told him every detail. I hope this passes. I can only assume it is not just a lack of knowledge about his current condition. It's - everything. My research is slow. Spinal injuries are the most difficult to manage and treat. A cure is unlikely. But getting vital function back is critical. For Jim it is imperative.

We've been in the W14789 system for a couple of days and mostly the crew are just categorizing data on each of the planets by way of ships sensors and science equipment. No landing parties. I believe Spock is holding off until we can get Jim back in the game. I can't say how long that will be.

We screwed up, Mrs. Kirk. I just hope he - forgives us.


	88. Transmission 2262.088

** March 29th, 2262  **

As Jim is on no speaking terms with myself or any part of the crew - including Dr. McCoy and his staff - I have been preoccupied by the orders given to us by Starfleet Headquarters.

Our mission has been successfully initiated, as we have reached W14789. Our mission parameters are to explore and gather information from all twelve planets and planetoids within this system. Classifications have not been determined prior to our arrival and we have been charged to determine their safety for stability and life for various known sentient beings. There are no known living beings associated with this system, however we may be mistaken in that regard and find a planet with inhabitants.

On our way to this system the first time, prior to our diversion to New Vulcan and subsequent bonding with Jim, the Enterprise was intercepted by Klingons. It is believed they have claimed this system and may be inhabiting parts of the possibly unoccupied planets that we have not cataloged yet. They have not been sighted since returning to this part of space, however the crew are on alert for any abnormalities or oddities identified. We must be prepared for what may be.

Three of the twelve planets and planetoids have been cataloged, scanned, and observed by way of ship scanners and science technology. No landing parties have been ordered down. I await the Captain's recovery before sending down the appropriate parties to viable planets of interest and inhabitability. We are expected to be in this system for as long as our mission takes to be completed - Starfleet Headquarters feels that we are accountable with our time.

Jim is my second priority. His silence is - unsettling. Dr. McCoy is researching treatments for his current ailment. Jim's disability is not just a physical distress, but surrounds his mental and emotional capabilities. I am - illogically worried.

He-

_Spock, get down here now. I think I found something._

On my way, Doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am out of town this weekend and am working on this from my phone. Sorry about any mistakes! I don't want to miss a day just because I am away from my computer.


	89. Transmission 2262.089

** March 30th, 2262 **

I've got one option and only one option and if he doesn't like it, well, he is going to have to live with me and the choices I make for the betterment of his health. Because he isn't saying anything.

I explained to him what I am going to do. He didn't even acknowledge my presence. Spock is about two seconds away from knocking Jim out with a Vulcan nerve pinch and performing a mind meld. His silence is unnerving. Spock's emotions seem - rampant. He says it is no small feat to block their bond - and Jim is successfully managing it at this moment. Just a few days ago Spock could feel all of Jim's flowing, unleashed emotions, and now - nothing. Spock believes it is a sign of something far worse.

The procedure I am about to perform is no small feat itself. The inflammation around his spinal chord is not decreasing - the fluid build up from surgery is dangerous and impeding Jim's ability to function normally - to walk. As Jim cannot be treated with medications that would help decrease the inflammation, I am resorting to more physical means. I am going I drain the fluid manually and then - and Jim should have started protesting pretty lividly at this point - I am going to irradiate the area. Not for long, but enough to allow me to perform a second minimal surgical technique that will hopefully clear the area and give his nerves time to start sending their all-important messages again. If it works, Jim should be on his feet in three days.

It's taken me a fucking long time to find a solution. If this doesn't work - back to the drawing board. For Jim's sake, let's hope it doesn't get that far.

"Doctor McCoy, he requests your presence."

The bastard actually talked??!!

Well then. Excuse me, Mrs. Kirk.


	90. Transmission 2262.090

**March 31 st, 2262**

“How are we feeling?”

Fine.

“He’s apparently fine, even after being absolutely silent for four and a half days. Hmm, I don’t think I believe him.”

Shut up. You didn’t know me when I was a kid. I’ve done this before.

“Your coping mechanisms suck.”

SHUT UP! Wait, are you seriously updating my mother? What the hell?!

“It was _your_ idea to update her every day. And seeing as you threw every PADD we gave you – it seemed far more appropriate for Spock and me to do it.”

I think I hate you.

“Not new, kid. Does this hurt?”

Ouch! YES!

“Good. That means the procedure worked.”

Except you’re still using radiation on me. Which, for the record, I protest your ways of making this work.

“I know it isn’t easy for you to come to terms with what I’m doing here, but at least you can feel again. And I bet before the day is out you will be walking. If you keep it up, you might be out of here tomorrow.”

You have a strange way of making this work.

“Medical science is my business. Just like command track is all your business.”

Yeah, yeah. I’m tired. Are you sure I’m not going to get sick? We all know what happened last time –

“JIM! You’re FINE!”

Give me the PADD.

“What? NO.”

BONES!

“Look, he’s definitely back to normal, Mrs. Kirk. He’s gonna be back on the bridge in no time. He’s going to wave bye and let me take care of him now. Say bye, Jim.”

MOM!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good-bye March, hello April....


	91. Transmission 2262.091

**April 1 st, 2262**

"Can you feel that?"  
  
Yes.  
  
"Wiggle your toes for me."  
  
Happy?  
  
"Hmmm, that should do. Might keep you here for another -"  
  
God, you are insufferable! You said I could leave today! Mom, he won't leave me alone!!!!  
  
“You are a baby, I swear to god.”

I’m adorable, and you know it. Gah, sorry, mom! Bones is just being an ass.  
  
"Get your lazy ass out of my Sickbay. Spock's waiting for you anyway. Except you aren't cleared for duty, so take it easy. You've been off your feet for a few days."  
  
A few. Lies, lies! And yes, I know Spock is waiting for me. He actually just asked where I was.

“That has to be the creepiest thing I have ever heard.”

You try having someone else inside your head. It’s like a cross between -  
  
"GET OUT JIM!"  
  
I'm going, I'm going. Oi. At least I can walk again. Feels good to not be stuck in Sickbay any longer.  
  
"Captain."  
  
Hey, Spock. And no, I am not cleared for duty. I just preferred to answer that question out loud. Bones has to poke holes in all my fun - but god I am so bored. Follow me back to my quarters and we can discuss our current mission that I happen to be completely out of the loop on.  
  
"If I may interject, you isolated yourself from us purposely. It is of no consequence to me that you -"  
  
Okay, shit happened and I got depressed. It's over. Now-  
  
"I presume you are creating a transmission for your mother."  
  
Oh, right. I tend to forget what I'm doing with my personal time. Sorry, mom, again. Anyway, heading back to my quarters. Spock says hi. I am - going to ease back into my duties, because we all know Bones can't keep me from them for longer than - I'd say 24 hours, wouldn't you Spock?  
  
"Doctor McCoy does tend to relinquish his abilities to, as he would say, 'harness you in' for long periods of time. That assessment would be very probably true, Captain."  
  
I just defy all his bitching anyway. Plus, I couldn't walk for a bit there - I would say that kept me from running away any sooner.  
  
"Physical limitations have that effect on you, at times, Captain."  
  
See, mom, Spock is perfect for me. Okay, yup, mission stuff to discuss. Love you!


	92. Transmission 2262.092

** April 2nd, 2262 **

It’s just past midnight and I can’t sleep. Been lying around for too long. Not my idea of fun. I’ve been reading up on the observations and data collected on the five planets they’ve examined so far. I’m ready to go down there and get some hands on experience!

Granted, we can only go to three of the five planets (and planetoids) so far. We have seven more to observe and gather data from, but of the five, there is one class M planet, a class N planet, two class L planets, and a class J planet. So, basically, one that is like earth, two completely not – okay – to – go – down – and - visit planets, and two lovely class L planets – barely viable for life. We can suit up for those. I think it’s gonna be fun!

Spock’s asleep, so I can’t exactly wheedle anything out of him for what the day will hold. I should be asleep with him – we decided his quarters were best for sleeping together because of his temperature controls and we decided to try it again tonight – but my mind won’t shut up. I’m happy to be out of Sickbay finally, but I feel – off. Too much time has passed. I feel like this is almost worse than when I – died. Well, I mean the period after that, when all I was doing was proving my worth to Command. Ugh.

Okay, away from that topic. Spock and I are back on much more friendlier terms. We’ve both had a hard time lately and it’s just – ya know, one step at a time. He asked me earlier how I was, in my words, ‘being a total dick’ about our bond. It’s hard to explain. Back when Ambassador Spock melded with me on Delta Vega, I had to learn to control the after-effects – the emotional transference and the memories. Sometimes I thought of something and it wasn’t _my_ memory, but _his_ that I thought up. So I taught myself how to control it with a self help book. And… by talking to Ambassador Spock. Seeing as Spock and I weren’t together at that point, long before _fucking Nibiru,_ it didn’t seem like it was necessary to mention it. It just became second nature.

I didn’t mean to block him out. It was – again, second nature. A part of me. I was just done. We were both kind of done with each other. Cooling off period is a good way to put it.

I don’t think we’ve ever been that frustrated with each other. We’ve gotten mad, of course, but the tension has been palpable for weeks. Bonding didn’t exactly make it easier. Hopefully things can go smoother.

Ah, he’s awake. I should go make sure he doesn’t worry. Ha, worry. He would tell me he doesn’t ‘worry’ – even though we all know _that’s_ a lie.

“Jim.”

I’m fine, Spock. Promise. Just – couldn’t sleep. See, he found me. I can’t hide.

“You need a required eight hours of sleep to feel fully rested for the day’s activities, and you haven’t been achieving the optimal requirement as you have been in Sickbay for the past fifteen days. Prior to that, you also were not sleeping the appropriate amount of time.”

I know, Spock. It’s called Insomnia. We’ve gone over this.

“Doctor McCoy gave you a prescription to help you sleep. Do you not fully trust his ability to help your ailments?”

Spock – ugh. Why me? Okay, see, the sleeping pills are good and all that – for when I don’t have a need to be up at six am every morning and ready to be in full Captain Mode. If the next day was my day off, yeah, sure, I’d take one. But they slow me down. They make it hard to get up in the morning and I can’t exactly risk being caught sleeping or drowsy or not alert on the dot during an emergency crisis. So, I… don’t take them.

“Have you tried other alternatives to helping you sleep? I have not had the chance to teach you meditation. It has a ninety three point five percent probability of being beneficial to your health and your rest periods. The proverbial saying also says to ‘count sheep’ if you don’t feel tired, or to-“

Thank you, Spock. I will – take your suggestions into consideration. For now, I will attempt to go back to sleep. Is that okay with you?

“Of course, Jim. It would be preferable.”

Good. Okay, mom, I’ll either talk to you later today or tomorrow. Love you. Come on, Spock. I want to cuddle.

“That would also be preferable, Jim.”

Hmm, I knew I liked you.


	93. Transmission 2262.093

**April 3 rd, 2262**

So, today we observed a Class M planet. No need to actually go down and explore – viable as it is – it’s already _inhabited_.

Klingons. Spock is pretty sure, anyway. In his words, of course.

I can only assume a few things: they stole our dilithium because they wanted to make a point, they needed it, or because they didn’t want us getting this far. Because wow, they have some advanced technology. Can we also figure out where THAT came from, please?!!!

But, no, really, if any of that speculation is true, or if they really do have some advanced technology – why haven’t they made themselves known this time around? We’ve been here for the better part of a week, and they haven’t so much as moved a muscle. Now they allow us to find their hide out on an unmarked Class M planet that is, frankly, about as different from their home planet is as Venus is from Earth? Just still _livable?_

Something is up.

We’ve moved on, continuing to catalogue the rest of the system. We’ll come back. If anything, it’s going to be a fucking fire fight – something I’m not sure we need. But we can’t – someone had to lay down a few ground rules. We have a neutral zone for a reason.

Have to be diplomatic.

Ugh, but ITS KLINGONS.

_Captain, we’re being hailed. Commander Spock requests your presence on the bridge immediately._

Oh, lovely. Thank you, Lieutenant, I’ll be there.

Klingons. Shit.


	94. Transmission 2262.094

**April 4 th, 2262**

“Captain, it is not wise-“

Spock, give me two minutes. Two, okay? And then – how about this, check up on Scotty and see how we’re coming along with repairs? I want to update my mom before I go back to the bridge.

“Yes, Captain.”

Today is a day where we aren’t fucking around.

So, Klingons. They didn’t fire on us – not immediately, anyway. They actually hadn’t even noticed us until yesterday. They hailed us and demanded to know our reasons to be in this system. They’ve already claimed it. Which, would be against our peace treaty at this time, seeing as this is on the _wrong_ side of the neutral zone. Let’s just say, that didn’t go over too well.

And it is about dilithium. It always has been. They’re mining it in heavy doses. Why they had to steal ours all those weeks ago, I’m not entirely sure. When asked, Commander Kretorg claimed innocence of attacking any such Federation ships at any time. Until he decided we weren’t giving he good enough answers for being in _his_ area of space, so he fired a few times. Not crippling damage – Engineering just took a bit of a hit. Pisses me off. We put more damage on the Klingon cruiser, however, so, I guess that’s better than nothing.

Awaiting on word from Command. We’re still going to continue on with our mission, however the Klingons are a bit of a – crimp in our schedule?!!

Ha. Something like that.

Okay, back to the bridge. Love ya!


	95. Transmission 2262.095

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS ONE WINS AS MY FAVORITE ONE TO DATE! :P

**April 5 th, 2262**

“We actually are celebrating Zefram Cochrane _Day_? Jim, _Captain_ , are you out of your mind?”

We needed the distraction.

HI MOM! Sorry, my beautiful chief communications officer, Lieutenant Uhura, just asked a very good question. Why exactly did I tell everyone to take a fucking pause today in our observations of the W14789 system and have replicated cake and drink awful replicated juice?

Because you heard her right. It is Zefram Cochrane Day! That brilliant asshole invented the warp drive. Essentially, the warp core in 99.9% of ships in Starfleet and the United Federation of Planets.

“You make it sound like they aren’t all capable of warp drive, Jim.”

Because shhhh, I’m trying to use my Statistical education to good use. It’s CLOSE to 1, and certainly has a high probability, but I can’t actually say it’s a total, absolute thing. So I say 99.9%.

“Don’t let Spock hear you.”

You’re really helping, Uhura.

“I love you too, Captain.”

She’s cute, isn’t she?

“I could smack you.”

ANYWAY… we all know why warp cores are a touchy subject for me, so we won’t mention that. However, it has been a great invention in our time period. We are out in SPACE! Exploring new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations, and –

“DON’T SAY IT.”

WE’RE BOLDLY GOING!!!!!

“I can’t believe you’re captain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY ZEFRAM COCHRANE DAY GUYS!!! :P


	96. Transmission 2262.096

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, made a boo boo. Kirk, in January, said Spock and him had been in a relationship for eight months (meaning they'd hooked up around April 2261) - however, later on, Jim says they've only been in a relationship for five months.... which doesn't work. So, I have decided that their relationship really is ACHINGLY slow and Pon Farr just tipped the scale. They finally rationalized their crazy ass feelings for each other in April 2261, and a few months later decided to begin a more solid, romantic relationship. (one day I'll edit this thing and clear up plot holes, AND maybe write a whole side project with Mommy Kirk. Man, I wish I had all the hours in the world just to WRITE the prompts I have for Star Trek... the list keeps growing. aksjdflkjasdf)
> 
> THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING!

**April 6 th, 2262**

The Captain – Jim – specifically requested I send you a transmission, as he is resting. A migraine began early this morning and has not let up. Dr. McCoy is currently working on a solution. He has not had once since prior to our relationship beginning, and Dr. McCoy continues to research a cure, if not a better analgesic that would better control the onset of such a crippling event. Jim’s own supply of non-allergy inducing medications is of precious use, and he continually denies their use when he believes he does not need the coverage. There is no changing his mind. However, he has been somewhat amiable to allowing my help in handling his pain, as a shallow meld between us can help manage his pain receptors free of medication. In his words, he finds it to be “a neat idea.”

Today is the Terran Holiday of Easter. There are a select few onboard the Enterprise that does celebrate the Holiday; however it is not a ship wide event. The Captain is amiable to allowing those who practice varying religions, practices, cultures, and spiritualities to do as they wish within the rules and regulations of Starfleet. He is flexible, however, and much agreeable to giving those who need solace their time and access to needed facilities at their discretion.

However, our observation of the planetary system of W14789 continues. While the Klingons are still a threat to our well being in this system, we await word from Command before halting our efforts to continue exploring unknown space.

Tomorrow we will head down to the surface of a Class L planet. We were scheduled to head down today however Jim stalled the landing party in account of his current ailment. Class L planets require that we wear environmental control suits. There are signs of vegetation, but life seems non-existent. Sensor information continues to be beneficial.

And as Jim is now requesting my presence, I will bid you good day, Mrs. Kirk.

Spock out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone goes "IT ISN'T EASTER TODAY!" - may I remind you, it is the year 2262 and Easter is an ever changing date because of the moon and Passover and all that good stuff.
> 
> So, in the year 2262, by the sworn hand of the internet awesomeness, Easter is April 6th. :P I'm sure probably a few people on the Enterprise celebrate Easter. Spock doesn't get the logic of it, but I'm sure religion for him must be an intriguing thing. Ah, but that's the awesome thing about Star Trek. It's really progressive for its time and accepting of a crap ton of things we humans TODAY can't even agree on or accept. Star Trek, man. It rocks :P


	97. Transmission 2262.097

** April 7th, 2262 **

Class L planet, ID number 466183789, planetary system. W14789, now officially named Zefram.

Spock thinks if we built a dome it would be a pretty surprising planet. The vegetation is rich and green and orange and pink. The colors are magnificent. Sulu had to grab a few samples for study. It was a great landing expedition. Granted, Spock limited our time to less than two hours, but it was a very rewarding experience. It's been a few months since we just EXPLORED uninhabited planets and did science and research. I don't think I've seen Spock look so involved in his work for ages until now. He was in his element with that tricorder.

It was really great to get out, stretch the legs without fear of dying or something. No incidents, no nothing. And no Klingons.

Next up: Shoreleave.

First up: Klingons.

Command is still silent on the matter at hand and I am growing weary of their actual hand in helping deal with this. Last I knew, the last time we dealt with Klingons, war was a possibility. War is, once again, a huge possibility. Though the Klingons don't seem all that threatened by our presence - this situation is not within our standard mission parameters. If Command won't say anything, I'll handle it myself. If the Klingons decide to attack, we'll be ready. 

We can multi task. Spock's got me covered.

But really, I think most of the crew need a break. We were denied Shoreleave a while back and then a lot of shit happened. My crew deserves better than this. Once we're done exploring this place, we're hitching at a Starbase or some nearby planet once we reach familiar space and getting fresh air. Today wasn't fresh air, however it was enlightening to get off the ship even if for an hour or two. 

And of course my head has to start hurting again. God, migraines suck. I should take Spock up on his offer from yesterday. I said it was a neat idea, but I requested time to rest first. It went away, but now I am not so sure. 

Love you, mom. Later.


	98. Transmission 2262.098

**April 8 th, 2262**

Command’s _exact fucking words_ in regards to this situation – ‘Continue on with mission. There is no need to be alarmed. If provoked, leave system immediately.’

God, I can’t tell if Starfleet just decided to _give the fuck up_ on the fact, oh, we were sent to this part of space _twice_ and RAN INTO KLINGONS BOTH TIMES and we’ve been attacked twice and now they just don’t want to do _anything_?

WHAT DO THEY THINK I AM MADE OF? AM I FUCKING BREAKABLE?

What I am most surprised about is that they have no idea I’m in a relationship with Spock, and everything that’s happened in the past few months has just been skimmed over and not dealt with by Command at all.

I feel like this mission is a wash.

I’ve had this foreboding feeling that something is amiss.

I mean, come on, the Klingons attack us and steal our dilithium. We finally get back to this planetary system and Klingons are still around, harvesting dilithium off one of the planets we happen to have observed. They attack, we attack, we’re still around, they are still around.

This isn’t their normal MO. Klingons usually attack and destroy long before they ask questions. Heck, the _Enterprise_ is the fucking flagship of Starfleet and the Federation, and yet we are still somehow in this system with little worries.

And Command is telling us to just do _nothing_?

I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

I need to discuss this with Spock. If you’ll excuse me, mom…


	99. Transmission 2262.099

**April 9 th, 2262**

Planetary observations thus far: three Class M planets, one of which is occupied by Klingons, and one that looks like it had life on it at one point from the stone structures seen by scanner; two Class D planets – both of which are actually planetoids that we can’t inhabit anyway, but one of them seems to be a great resource of one of earth’s depleted minerals; one Class N planet, unremarkable; four Class L planets, one of which we have sent a landing party to and tomorrow we will be visiting another one; and two Class J planets, both of which just muck up our scanners if we try to get any closer. One of them has some very impressive electrical storms.

Spock is weary of leaving the bridge, his science station, or the science labs as of late. Mostly because he wants every little detail catalogued and understood before we even step foot on the planets we _can_ go down and explore. He finally is allowing me to head back down to another Class L tomorrow, but still. This system is just that: a place to explore. If the Klingons want it, I guess that’s – something. But it feels very weird that we aren’t being attacked and that we are living in some _weird_ harmony when they have vocally expressed their interest and call to this system. If we even _entered_ a space occupied by Klingons, there would be all out war.

I feel – bored. Not a lot is going on, and finding out information is basically null. Spock thinks my train of thought is “an interesting hypothesis” but we both know it isn’t exactly credible in his eyes. Unless someone in Starfleet is somehow dealing with the Klingons – I don’t know. I mean, this is what we are supposed to be doing: exploring unknown space and touching on planets unseen before, seeking out new life and new civilizations, and overall, bringing back information to Earth, the Federation, and Starfleet. This is our job. This is why we are out here. There would be no reason someone would have any ulterior motives behind this decision because we’ve been out here for _two years_. Two years with little earth contact and just all space, disease, danger, and a few diplomatic moments.

I feel – uneasy.

But I can’t do anything about that now.

_Jim, are you busy?_

Might be.

_So, you’re not._

What can I do for you, Hikaru?

_Well… Chekov wanted to ask for your help, but with the way things have been going – he wants relationship advice._

How endearing. Where would you like me to meet you both?

_Deck G, Observation._

I’ll be right there.

Hmm, maybe not so boring after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things I know for sure: I have mild depression, and KIRK WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS CRAZY PLOT TWIST!
> 
> How he does that.... you'll find out :P


	100. Transmission 2262.100

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crazy to think we've been on this journey for 100 days!!! It still feels like I started yesterday! But oh, look, things are heating up :P

**April 10 th, 2262**

_DAMN IT!_

“Captain, I believe it is advisable that we discuss this logically and rationally.”

You just say that because I’m fucking pissed. But, no, I get – I get that – we have to do something. You might not agree, but we have to. Whether that means fire upon them or run with our tails between our legs.

“I do not see-“

Figure of speech, Spock. Ugh, I mean – fuck.

Mom, just, so you know, if I get a court martial for this, then so be it.

Command told us to leave if we felt ‘threatened.’ However, the Klingons were of no threat – until about an hour ago, when they used that whatever fucking cloaking device – I DON’T EVEN KNOW, THEY DID IT THE FIRST TIME – and kidnapped my head communications officer, my head security officer, and two engineering ensigns.

Scotty is going ballistic. The Klingons – god, I can’t even say it – they made their demands.

“I will not allow you to do what they ask, _Jim_. It would be advisable to send me.”

Absolutely NOT! We – _they already murdered one of my ensigns_. They will continue killing off those that were kidnapped off the surface of the planet until they have no one else – and then they will come after us. For now – the _Enterprise_ is safe. However, Uhura, Hendorff, and Erickson are _not_. They want me – they can fucking have me. But I will not run, and I will not let anyone else get hurt. Command can – how many times have I disregarded their fucking rules? It won’t be any different this time. You don’t fucking make amends with Klingons. You don’t make demands with Klingons. You – you also don’t fucking _run_ from Klingons!

“I will get Doctor McCoy in here and-“

Oh, you are rich. Just because I would give myself over to them? You know why they want me. We all know why they want me. Why _today_ and why _now_ , that’s a WONDERFUL question – but you would dismantle me from my position just so you could go in my place.

 _I won’t let you, Spock_. I CAN’T SEE YOU HURT. THEY WILL KILL YOU. THEY WILL KILL ME. _They will kill Uhura, Hendorff, and Erickson if we don’t do something – and now!_

“I am sworn to protect you – not just as my Captain and as your First Officer, but _as your bond mate_. I will _not_ lose you again. I lost you once, I have seen you kidnapped, injured, _tortured_ more times than I desire to keep track of, except I remember them all in vivid detail – but I will not lose you again. I will go in your place. I am stronger, far more capable of withholding information for longer periods of time, and withstanding torture for longer periods of time. You have not been out of sickbay for long since your partial paralysis, and your migraines have reemerged. If you do not let me go as the Klingons demand, then I will use the means at my disposal.”

You are complete and utterly _un-fucking-fair_.

“Then let’s discuss this – logically _.”_


	101. Transmission 2262.101

**April 11 th, 2262**

I hate this plan, I hate it. I really, really fucking hate it. He had to do it, didn’t he? Had to make me fucking agree to-

_Captain, incoming transmission from Starfleet Command._

I’ll be right there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, but not sorry?!!


	102. Transmission 2262.102

**April 12 th, 2262**

Starfleet Command has ordered us to… we…

I let Spock go over there because in the end he was right. However, I can’t listen to everyone and obey their rules all at the same time. Lives are at stake here. After a period of quiet, the Klingons _did_ have ulterior motives. Lieutenant Uhura has been returned, however the last two of my crew kidnapped with Uhura have not been returned. Thankfully, they are still alive. Along with Spock.

The Klingons want the _Enterprise_. To soothe them over for a while, we gave them my First Officer – one of their first demands, actually. However, this brings up some very interesting questions. Like, why exactly didn’t they try to take us over the first time we were in this area? Then we get here, explore, more exploration, and then BANG!

Now they want my ship. They have my First Officer, my Chief Security Officer, and an Engineering ensign because the few of them happened to be in a landing party.

Oh, and Starfleet Command has ordered me to leave the system immediately. The _Arrand_ is headed this way to ‘clean up the mess’.

Because this is obviously all my fault.

Most intriguing is the fact Command seems to be untroubled by the fact my First Officer is with the Klingons. Or that we’ve been in this system for a while before the Klingons decided to attack.

I can’t even _do_ anything at this time, unless I harm my crew. The Klingons aren’t firing – yet. They will if they do not get what they want in the next forty eight hours. But I will not run. I don’t run.

Like I said, Starfleet can court martial me all they want after this. But I will not leave Spock behind.

I just hope this works.


	103. Transmission 2262.103

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter. SORRY. Decided I need to just get with the program on some things.
> 
> Thanks for understanding and sticking with me :) If you read the first edition of this chapter, please note: I'm not going in that direction. I shouldn't. I won't. Thanks!
> 
> And remember what I said about accents? Yeah... same applies here.

**April 13 th, 2262**

Covert rescue operations are a go.

Let’s just hope Jimbo and company are successful. The Klingons are getting antsy with that trigger finger of theirs out there – even though we still have about twenty four hours until they do start firing at us. They want the _Enterprise_.

I expect results soon. And on that note, I should head back to the transporter room just in case Jimbo is a bit early on re-entry. He tends to do that.

Have a good day, ma’am.

Scotty out.


	104. Transmission 2262.104

**April 14 th, 2262**

If I remember right, Jim told me this was a ‘bad idea’ – and I tend to argue against everything he says for goodness sakes, but this time, I agreed. I mean, damn it, this was a _bad idea!_

Spock gave himself to the Klingons, we got back Lieutenant Uhura, and then they wanted the _Enterprise_ all for themselves. Don’t know why. Of course, Jim is one who doesn’t exactly give up his ship willingly. With some creative brains from Scotty, Chekov, and Uhura (she was unharmed from her ordeal. Surprisingly, they liked that she knew their language. It helped. Spock demanded a trade – somehow they agreed?!) in conjuncture with Jim, all four of them tracked down the Klingon’s special – and I’m quoting from Scotty on this one – “cloaking device” and with some careful kamikaze moves – I say that only because it was fucking kamikaze – stole it. I think it’ll come in handy if things go south over there.

Uhura believes Romulans are also behind this, whatever _this_ is. WHATEVER THIS IS! WE DON’T EVEN KNOW! Dilithium, possible Romulans, weird Klingon negotiations, an unexplored planetary system that, god forbid, anyone actually claims and STAKES that claim, and one too many unanswered questions. Oh, and to top it off - Jim is currently on the Klingon ship.

Negotiating. To get back Spock and Lieutenant Hendorff (Ensign Erickson sustained fatal injuries and did not make it). And if Jim has to, he will tell them the _Enterprise_ currently has their cloaking device.

This could go wrong in so many ways, only because it’s _Jim, damn it!_

But Jim feels “resolution is key, and I will not fight them unless I have to” – so he decided to talk first. Because that has always worked out so well with _Klingons_.

Your son is _suicidal_ , Winona.

 _Dr. McCoy, incoming transporter signal_.

Oh good, they are coming back. Don’t know if that means dead or alive…. I hated this plan. Later, Ma’am.

McCoy out.


	105. Transmission 2262.105

**April 15 th, 2262**

That was a headache.

Spock and Lieutenant Hendorff are safe, and I’m still in one piece – even if Spock was pretty sure I wasn’t going to come out of it in one piece. Actually, _a lot of people_ on my crew believed I wouldn’t walk away without a scratch.

Well, I did.

Spock walked away with mild abrasions and bruises, and Hendorff ended up in Sickbay with internal injuries, but he should recover.

In the end, compromise was needed and won out. Didn’t have to use the cloaking device, however I do not believe the Klingons realized we obtained it. It is still in our possession, and as we are headed back into more familiar areas of space per Command instructions – and we were basically kicked out of the W14789 system per my diplomatic discussions with the Klingons. They get to keep the whole damn system and the neutral zone gets to be tweaked. That’ll be fun explaining to Admiral Barnett.

Scotty is excitedly giving the cloaking device a more intense study, and Spock is also quite interested. I believe Scotty already mentioned Romulan markings, which, frankly, is a bit unsettling. The Klingons may possibly be in conjuncture with the Romulans, and considering what happened with Nero – I feel the tides are turning. We aren’t at war with the Klingons – yet. And we aren’t at war with the Romulans – yet. If only we can fend off war by being diplomatic. Let us hope this peace lasts.

I don’t know why they stole our dilithium, I don’t know why they wanted the Enterprise. The Klingons weren’t very forthcoming with information. While I asked, I was more concerned about getting my crew back safely. I believe there will always be unanswered questions in regards to the events that took place before and during travel to and exploration of system W14789.

I’m just – I’m glad Spock is back safe and sound. Things didn’t go as we planned, but at least there was a somewhat peaceful resolution, even if it means losing data. We gained a lot of information, thankfully. Unfortunately, we lost crew members in this Klingon encounter, and I am not pleased. I need to write condolence letters and have them sent out promptly. Erickson had a wife who is working with New Vulcan. I – I hate losing crew members. Transfers I can deal with. Death is – unfair.

I should go find Spock. I need him.

Love ya, mom.


	106. Transmission 2262.106

** April 16th, 2262 **

So now that things have calmed down for a bit – it’ll take about a week to get back to truly familiar territory and then move onto our next destination after that – I guess I should explain… a lot.

I mean, yes, he went through Pon Farr and we bonded. However, bond does not equal exact marriage, and in the eyes of the Vulcan colony, it isn’t even a full bond.

I do, I mean this literally, love Spock. And I realize he is also my First Officer, but that doesn’t mean I can’t _not_ protect him. Both in a romantic and professional light.

And then of course, we have our disagreements. We fight. I close up around him for reasons – it is hard to give him my whole fucking life in detail. Especially when it comes to – my childhood. God, I just hate to think what he would say if he knew. Bones knows, because of the Academy, but Spock? He doesn’t.

I’ll be ready to – officially conform to this. Just – time. That’s what I need.

And apparently I am about to get a lot of it because we have forever until we reach our next destination.

I’m just glad Spock is okay. I can’t lose him. I will do whatever it takes to keep him safe. He was – he calls me reckless, but he signed up for the latest shit with the Klingons. And that’s not okay. He used my damn emotions against me. Bastard.

I think we just need a moment. A moment we haven’t been allowed to have in recent weeks. Chess would be good. Down time would be better. I should get on that – shoreleave. Oh, fuck, yes, shoreleave. Command kind of _owes_ us at this point. I’m going to write that up right after this.

Anyway, Spock-

 _Captain, incoming transmission from the_ Arrand _._

Huh? Oh! Oh, yes, they were supposed to be at W14789 _days_ ago. Okay, yes, be right there, Spock.

Later, mom.


	107. Transmission 2262.107

**April 17 th, 2262**

_My_ ship gets attacked, _my_ crew members are dead, and _my_ First Officer taken hostage, and Command is saying it is _my_ fault this happened?

Oh god, I’ve been at this for how many years?!!

Nevermind, I give up. I’m not even going to argue whatever logic they think they have.

“Captain, it would be safe to say they are not thinking logically, as the Klingons provoked us first, and not the other way around.”

I would more than agree, yes, thank you, Spock. I just – ugh, they get on my nerves!

“As we have not been on Earth for the past two years, it seems unlikely they do not know what our mission entails. Even after recent Admiralty changes.”

So true.

I am filing another request for shoreleave. They kind of _have_ to give us a break. I think I saw Rand crying yesterday. The stress of this job is frustrating enough, now my _yeoman_ is fucking losing it. And the paperwork is heinous enough! And after crew member deaths!

Mom, COME BACK. I AM GOING TO GO CRAZY!

“Jim, you have me.”

Hmm, right. Thanks for reminding me, Spock. Oh, oh, that felt nice. Can you do that again?

Hmm, yes. Mom, bonding with Spock is the best thing to happen to me.

Ah, we should get on with our chess game, Spock. I’m sure my rants can be saved for another time. Tomorrow, even.

“As you wish, Jim.”

BYE MOM!


	108. Transmission 2262.108

**April 18 th, 2262**

Reasons I love space so much:

The quiet is pretty damn amazing, when it actually _is_ quiet. No Admirals at my ass, and it’s just the crew and I. It’s pretty great.

The _Enterprise_. You’ve met her, mom. She’s – she’s _amazing_. Best ship in the fleet. Just – incomparable among the rest of the world. She’s a beauty, and I don’t know where I would be without her.

Spock. Spock’s pretty great. I don’t know where I would be without him. Even before our relationship and subsequent bonding, he was always _there_. Always nearby, always a strong hold, always a listening ear, and always giving out good advice. Well, maybe not _always_. But close enough. He’s a pretty damn good First Officer, and I wouldn’t want anyone else in that position. Heck, I don’t think I would want anyone else as my – right, husband. True.

Okay, yeah, I love space because it’s just – it is amazing! Exploring NEW WORLDS, NEW CIVILIZATIONS, NEW PEOPLE, NEW SPECIES, NEW PLANTS, NEW ATMOSPHERES! It was a shame we had to leave W14789 so fast. We went down to like, two planets, and then the Klingons said “hell no” – and that just still makes my blood boil. I cannot. Space isn’t – Bones can say it is disease and danger wrapped up in darkness and silence, but it is also _life_. It is beauty and new knowledge. There are cures out there for diseases we have yet to eradicate. Someone out there knows how to cure xenopolycythemia! I mean, there are a number of cures just waiting for us to find them!

Maybe there might be a cure for migraines too. That would be a relief, really.

Space has answers. Space – the freaking _universe_ – is pretty expansive. And hey, at least we aren’t the only ones out there, ya know?

Hope things are okay on your end, mom. Missing hearing your voice. I need to go see Bones.

Love you tons.


	109. Transmission 2262.109

**April 19 th, 2262**

He’s not exactly easy to handle. I am more than curious how you handled these before he went gallivanting off into the deep unknown, like yourself. Because, really, he never had this kind of problem in the Academy. Blood tests are showing me nothing, and brain scans come up clean. It is like – like –

“Doctor McCoy?”

Hmmm, yes, Mr. Spock?

“He allowed me to perform a shallow meld. He reports thirty-five percent less pain than prior to the intervention.”

That’s something. He still rejecting pain medications?

“Yes.”

Of course. Thank you, Mr. Spock.

“Doctor.”

Jim would reject anything that could mildly help him feel better, other than whatever Spock can do for him, yet we’ve talked – he’s not ready to show Spock everything. Their connection at least doesn’t allow Spock to read much of Jim’s memories, but well – between the both of us, Winona, we know exactly why he doesn’t want to tell Spock of his childhood. Heck, I’m still amazed _I know_. He’s scared of retribution. Of what Spock will even _think_ , and damn that pointy-eared _logical_ braniac Vulcan, what he would _say_.

Which makes me wonder why Jim, in all his self-sacrificing duty, jumped on the train to save Spock from Pon Farr only to be bonded with him in the end? I don’t know if Jim knew that was coming. Then again, Jim was a bit desperate. He – he does love Spock, that I have no doubt. I just – I worry about this situation.

And these migraines seem to have no pattern. They don’t start in stress; they don’t start on a certain week day or even come at a specific time; they just _happen_.

I must be missing a clue or something.

I should go check up on him.

McCoy out.


	110. Transmission 2262.110

**April 20 th, 2262**

As if boredom on this current lull in missions wasn’t bad enough, the migraines are really playing havoc with my day-to-day activities.

This sucks.

If anything, Bones is about one argument away from taking me off shift. Which he would, I have no doubt. I’m not – broken. I’m just – something.

Spock has been more than helpful though, and very sweet. Which is a lot to say, because wow, is he making up for lost time or _something_. It’s kind of funny, but really endearing. It’s nice to know we’ve moved on from a majority of our differences and settled into more of a caring relationship. I think he’s – illogical, I know – worried. Migraines are kind of hereditary, and Bones knows that, so it could just be a bad spell. Environmental? Kind of like my allergies? There is always that. I could be allergic to something and it could be causing the migraines. Not a bad idea, I’m mentioning that to Bones.

Though, Spock doesn’t tend to speculate much. He makes sound observations with cold, hard facts. So, essentially my migraines are a mystery to both Spock and Bones. Spock’s involved now – no going back!

Ow. I can feel it coming. I’m crawling back into bed. Later mom.

Lights off.


	111. Transmission 2262.111

**April 21 st, 2262**

We need shore leave. Spock, write that down.

“You have already submitted three requests for shore leave in the past seventy-two hours, Captain.”

To Command. Write it down anyway. If they are going to ignore us, I’m going to keep asking.

“Yes, Captain.”

Thank you.

Yup, life is kind of boring right now. Nothing really to do.

“Captain, as I have reminded you, there is-“

Plenty of paperwork. Which is _boring_. Feelings aside, it’s all repetitive. However, yes, it is important, I know. But you won’t exactly let me leave… my quarters, the bridge, or Sickbay.

“Engineering has the potential to exacerbate your current medical condition. Doctor McCoy agrees with my assessment.”

They all conspire against me, mom. It is _awful_. And I’M THE CAPTAIN! It isn’t like they promoted Spock to acting Captain. Nope, I get to keep the spot, just with – what, less shit to handle?

Don’t answer that!

Okay, okay, anyway. Love you mom! I should get back to paperwork, since that is all I’m useful for right now apparently.

And Chess. WE ARE SO HAVING A CHESS GAME AFTER SHIFT END!


	112. Transmission 2262.112

**April 22 nd, 2262**

Spock, Spock, Spock!

“Yes, Captain?”

Okay, wait – _Jim_. It’s _JIM!_

“Yes, Jim?”

Do you remember why today is so important?

“I fail to see how the star date 2262.112 is important, Jim.”

I’m not talking about the specific star date. Well, yes, I am, but I mean – 2261.112. That’s the date I’m talking about. But, anyway, do you remember what happened last year?

“I have an eidetic memory – I do have a vivid memory of what occurred on this date a year ago, however I fail to see how the day is ‘important’.”

Hold on – k, mom, since I’ve only been doing these since January – it was last April when Spock and I first figured out we actually had feelings for each other. He’ll deny it, especially since we didn’t actually begin a relationship until September, BUT I REMEMBER TODAY LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

“You almost died, Jim.”

So did you! Which is when we realized we actually _did_ have feelings for each other.

It was a fucking cold planet, and the transporters malfunctioned, along with an ice storm, an avalanche, and two huge polar bears. Needless to say, Spock, myself, Bones, Chekov, and two of my security officers got stranded. All because of a latent distress signal that wasn’t actually from that planet!

“Our scanners had malfunctioned.”

Well obviously. But I remember waking up after all that death-defying shit and you were sitting next to me and I swear I remember us mentioning a fact neither of us wanted to go through that again – we couldn’t lose each other.

I just – it’s been a crazy year! And now we’re bonded!

Okay, now you’re just turning me on, Spock.

LATER MOM!


	113. Transmission 2262.113

**April 23 rd, 2262**

DID IT. YES! Command FINALLY said yes!

Shoreleave request approved. Seeing as we’re headed back into more familiar space, we’ve been allowed three full days on Risa. Sulu’s already changed course. We should be there in about thirty seven hours.

The crew is relieved. So am I. We needed it. After the past few hair brained stress weeks, we are in desperate need of a break.

I’m sure that time will be spent with Spock. He agreed to join me for a majority of the time. He doesn’t exactly want to leave his experiments, but I convinced him.

I can only wonder what we’ll do next after this.

Hmm, I think I want to talk to the Ambassador.

Or not. Headache.

Love you mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellie Goulding is fantastic live. I'm just saying. She's cute too :) 
> 
> And with that announcement, it means I am on vacation. I will be at the beach this weekend and will be working off my phone. I should be able to post once a day, but we will see what happens. There is always a margin of error involved when away from my laptop! Thanks :D


	114. Transmission 2262.114

**April 24 th, 2262**

Spock is – I won’t even say it. Actually -

“Captain, JIM!”

Scotty. Hi. What is it?

“Shore leave?”

Yes. Are you so buried in engineering you missed that memo?

“A little. I came to ask, since it hadn’t been answered yet, about a new modification upgrade to-“

I saw it; I gave it to Spock to respond to. I’ve been a bit – I haven’t had much time lately to answer requests. I’m surprised Spock hasn’t answered it. I’ll – okay, apparently everything is back logged. Sorry, Scotty. I can get to it now if you want me too.

“That would be great. I want to work on it during shore leave.”

Scotty, this is an opportunity to get off the ship, not stay on her and modify her more! You’ll have time for that _after_ shore leave. We should be at Risa in – Spock says sixteen hours and thirty seven minutes. He won’t quote seconds, but I know he’s got that one in his head too.

Hey, don’t give me that look. It actually makes getting information easier.

“It is a little strange, sir.”

I’m cool with it. Anything else?

“I prefer to stay on the ship. It’s easier to get modifications done when there aren’t a lot of people around. And seeing that this is a rather long mission without touching earth again in five years, that rarely happens.”

Understand, Scotty. Spend your shore leave how you like. Just – have fun, okay?

“Aye, sir.”

Sorry, mom. Just, stuff. Okay, back to uh, requests. Since Spock is – today is weird.


	115. Transmission 2262.115

** April 25th, 2262 **

Risa. Beautiful, huh, Spock?

"It is acceptable, Captain."

Hmmm, only acceptable? I'll whip you into shape yet.

I've got to entertain my Vulcan right now. Later mom!!


	116. Transmission 2262.116

** April 26th, 2262 **

Our leave on Risa has been cut short due to another intense migraine. It was due to my logical reasoning that we returned to the ship to allow Doctor M'Benga (Doctor McCoy is on shore leave presently) to give Jim crucial medical care. Our quarters are also much more quieter than our room planet side, which began to aggravate Jim's nerves late last night. In Jim's favor, he prefers my mind meld intervention to sedatives and analgesics that he is not allergic to, especially as the migraines have increased dramatically in the past few weeks. 

This increase is - it is troubling. I do not understand. There are no new occurrences in his life or lifestyle that warrant such an increase in these intense migraines. His stress is not a new factor, the new amount of stress is not a new factor - even the situations have not been any more challenging then previous moments. Jim tells me not to worry, however my experiments and intense research with Doctor McCoy has produced unsatisfactory results - little has allowed us to even marginally advance towards a cure or even an adequate remedy that will fend off these migraines to allow Jim to function in a professional capacity for longer periods of time.

I have sent a transmission to my counterpart, hoping to shed light on even a step forward in this current turmoil. 

I will keep you updated when Jim cannot, Mrs. Kirk. He is resting at this time.

Spock out.


	117. Transmission 2262.117

**April 27 th, 2262**

These are getting exhausting. I am so over throwing up right now. My crew must think I am non-existent as of late. They may even think I have food poisoning or something – huh, maybe I do. Good question to ask Spock.  
  
Anyway, ignoring that for a second - shore leave ends in a few hours and we will be off to another part of space at that point. Command is kind of letting us wander for our deep space exploration - but this time we are going diplomatic.  
  
I'd say this mission is all over the place. For the most part we keep to unexplored space, even though we have been sent specifically to familiar places or even specifically to unknown places. Obviously our next stop is not familiar - to the _Enterprise_ herself, of course. Remember the La'orands, mom? That was before the _Enterprise_ was built – before Nero even. Heck, when the _Farragut_ was new! Feel like forever ago. Anyway, they would like to join the Federation. Cue Flagship and diplomacy.  
  
And apparently aide. They are currently suffering from a three year drought, which occurs every fifty years, but their numbers have increased so much, they are requesting help, especially with supplies and food. We will head to Star base 5 to stock up and head out within the next few days. In exchange, they have resources that Starfleet can utilize. Surprisingly, not dilithium. It's -  
  
"Jim, what is going on?"  
  
BONES!

“You didn’t even comm. me!”

Spock’s fault! M’Benga helped handle it. I’m _fine_.

“We need to get to the bottom of this. And you won’t even let me touch you!”

They’re migraines, Bones! Normal, everyday _migraines_. I’ve had them before!

“Not like this you haven’t.”

It’s gonna be fine. I’m good right now! We have new orders. I need to talk to Spock. What, do you want me to stop by after we take off from Risa? Because I guess I can do that. But I’m busy. I have work to do.

“Yeah, yeah, you _always_ have work to do. I’ll take it, because you’re such a hard ass.”

You know me.

“Too well.”

BYE!  
  
Oi.

Well, Spock's waiting for me. If we hang around this part of space long enough, we'll pick up fresh blood. I keep forgetting to authorize academy graduates and a few senior students for summer rotations. Funny how we still get to do that even on this long ass mission.  
  
Bye mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vacation is over tomorrow. Ugh. All the school work is piling up. The beach was - okay. Rained mostly. And hailed. Blah. Anyway! Onward with this plot topic and fun stuff and life!!


	118. Transmission 2262.118

**April 28 th, 2262**

Spock now thinks it is our bond.

Our _bond_.

Mom, he has a theory that our joined minds are giving me _migraines_.

This is ridiculous.

We’ve both, hilariously, contacted the Ambassador – he’s been a little busy lately, so we’re waiting on a transmission from him at this time. He’s a little more versed in these kinds of things - even though I’m sure if we weren’t all crazy busy heading out of familiar space, we’d be on Vulcan with this new theory of Spock’s.

Ah, this is annoying. I can’t do anything for longer than a few minutes let alone a whole shift without my head killing me. I’m trying so hard not to do anything to instigate the beginning of a new migraine. And I’m not taking anything because I’m not going to become immune to the one thing I need for actual emergencies.

So I cower in bed in fear of the fucking _sun_.

I’m crawling back in bed.


	119. Transmission 2262.119

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost didn't get a chance to write this. But I told myself sleep could wait, JIM COULDN'T. (school sucks! WORK SUCKS!) 
> 
> Hopefully tomorrow goes better than today.

**April 29 th, 2262**

Star Base 5.

Completely boring.

Spock’s managing my work because Bones took me off shift. Heck, if I let him, I’d be in Sickbay right now. Ugh, no, not going to get him. I like my quarters, thank you very much.

Ow, well, he’s not wrong. For once, I probably should be… anywhere but here.

I shouldn’t stare at anything right now. Not for long, anyway.

The Ambassador contacted us.

But I think I’m going to throw up, sorry. I’ll – I’ll get back to you. Or Spock will.


	120. Transmission 2262.120

**April 30 th, 2262**

Conditions on the _Enterprise_ continue to run smoothly, even in our present situation. We are continuing to procure needed supplies for the sentient species known as the La'orands while we are stationed at Star Base 5. In five days we will also welcome to the crew twenty two graduates of Starfleet Academy, three senior students on summer internships, and eight Vulcan Science Academy students who have an interest with studying the science in Starfleet and the Federation, especially on this unique opportunity to explore uncharted space by way of the _Enterprise_.

However, my duties seem to be torn between holding the position of Acting Captain, retaining my position as Chief Science Officer and those under my command within the science division and the science labs, and the well-being of our Captain at this time. It is – disconcerting. I have little time to meditate and my resolve is thread thin. I – I feel Jim’s distress often. He is worried. I have been attempting to research a better intervention, and ultimately a cure, for his persistent migraines. There seems to be little options left, and that alone unsettles me greatly.

In light of a recent transmission conversation with my counterpart, I regret to inform you Mrs. Kirk that your son’s migraines seem to be an adverse side effect from our bond. It is not a mature bond, however, which leads my counterpart to believe that if a healer were to become involved, a mature bond can be created and strengthened enough to possibly decrease the migraines. As New Vulcan is under a fine amount of stress at this time with current weather conditions on the planet’s surface, very few healers can travel this far in such a short time. We cannot travel back to New Vulcan as we are set on another path towards the La'orands and we cannot be further delayed.

My counterpart, Ambassador Spock, has given his word that he will be here within the next few days, as fast as the nearest and most available transport can get him to our current position. He is not a certified healer, however he had experience in immature and mature bonds and believes he can help solve our current detrimental situation. I am not an overly emotional individual, Mrs. Kirk, but I am relieved that a solution is palpable. For Jim’s sake, especially.

Jim is in Sickbay in Doctor McCoy’s care. My shallow melds are no longer effective, and medical intervention has become necessary. Jim can only rebel for so long. He expresses deep concern on not being able to hold his position as Captain, and he regrets that he can’t sit and look at a PADD or any type of screen for longer than a few seconds before the pain gets to him. He does send you his love.

I have not yet told him of what the pending mature bond means. It would mean – well, in his human term, marriage. While a ceremony is customary, it seems we may not have the chance to even plan such a ceremony. If a mature bond is indicated, it will need to be performed immediately. In the eyes of the Vulcan species and colony, we will be married, so to speak. In the eyes of the Federation, we will be married in Vulcan terms. Starfleet has not yet indicated that they are aware of our relationship; however a mature bond would need to be reported. Starfleet has strict rules on co-habitation and relationship statuses on board space faring ships. It is likely there will be consequences.

At the most, we will be split up. At the least, we will be reprimanded. Somewhere in the between, we may lose our Command positions. Luck is – illogical. But we may be lucky to keep our Command positions. I do not like to theorize on that ideal, however.

I believe that once Jim understands what our mature bond means he may get – in human terms, frustrated. He has expressed his desire to have you at his – wedding. This will not be an easy time for him.

It cannot be easy for you, Mrs. Kirk. For that – I am sorry.

_Spock, would you come to sickbay? Jim’s mumbling about something, and I’m confused._

Of course, Ms. Chapel.

I take my leave.

Good evening, Mrs. Kirk.


	121. Transmission 2262.121

**May 1 st, 2262**

I have attempted multiple interventions to assist in decreasing the occurrence of migraines that currently affect my bond mate’s normal function – eating, holding his Command position, answering requisitions, and looking at a multitude of PADDs and screens – however no improvement has been made. Shields do not allow for increased comfort, and the bond is already shallow within both our minds.

Jim adamantly states he does not want me to meld with him fully – he is not ready to… fully show me his mind. As I have yet to tell him of my counterpart’s true words, Jim does not suspect anything. As Jim does not want me to have complete access to his mind at this time, it seems a mature bond may be very risky. Unless Jim comes to the realization, once told, that it may be the only way to give him peace – I do not know what to theorize. I would take the pain upon myself, but he will not allow me complete access. A meld must be performed – and at once, right when my counterpart arrives. We should not be wasting time.

But I want to respect Jim’s wishes.

I feel at an impasse. I cannot tell Jim of the mature bond theory, and I cannot convince him to allow me to meld fully to allow possible peace, even if temporarily. If our pre-marital bond was adequate enough, I would theorize we would not be having this problem. If our pre-marital bond was adequate enough, a meld would be used only during most intimate of times. Our thoughts would be much clearer to each other.

My counterpart did send me a transmission today stating he would be here within two earth days. I eagerly anticipate his arrival, for Jim’s sake as much as my own. My work load continues to be heavy – but as a Vulcan, I am managing sufficiently.

Jim is having a difficult time handling his current condition – like with everything else in life for him, he chooses to rebel and claim he is immortal. Doctor McCoy believes it to be the funniest thing he’s ever had to deal with – I find it disconcerting. Jim is not helping himself. It is rather lonely without his presence much of the time, but I find myself gravitating towards sickbay frequently checking up on his status. Even in his most dire of pain, he manages a smile. He continues to send his love and regret for not being able to send these transmissions himself.

As it is almost shift change, I must return to my duties. We are expected to leave by 0600 on 2262.126, which does not leave much time left to tie up loose ends. There is little time left to resolve current situations. It is –troubling. And as it is, the La'orands do not like to be kept waiting.

Good day, Mrs. Kirk.


	122. Transmission 2262.122

** May 2nd, 2262.122 **

I think I deliberately told these assholes that it was not a good idea to do this. Things are so fucked up right now. I can't - what am I supposed to do?!! I do NOT know all the answers!!

See, Winona, what's happened to him? This is ruining him, and all for - for _what??_

He can't eat, he is so nauseated, sleep seems non-existent unless I drug him, which is what had to happen two hours ago, kid is going to kill me I am sure of it, and to top it all off, my brain scans bring up no abnormalities. Fuck, medical science on my level doesn't even seem to reveal a telepathic bond within Jim's head. He could be making it up for all I know, and he's got something else going on! Except I tend to believe Spock and Jim when they ramble on about topics not being expressed _verbally_. 

And Spock - he seems far more distant than normal, even if he is in here almost hourly. Jim's not great company, but they seem to revel in the shared misery. Even forcing Spock into a brain scan shows nothing abnormal for him, and he claims not to be suffering any ill effects. 

I am trying my hardest. That's all I can do for him. I just wish I knew what else to do. These migraines are crippling him. He just went through paralysis - does it ever end?!

"Bones.... Bones..."

JIM! 

*PADD slams into the ground, showing a limited view of sickbay from the ground, near where Dr. McCoy had been sitting*

AARONS, HE'S SEIZING!

*muffled moans as Dr. McCoy clears the area in a rush to protect Jim from hurting himself. Three seconds later McCoy is sitting on the ground, Jim's shaking body beside him and turned to the side to protect his airway from aspiration*

"Dr. McCoy -"

"Huuuurrrrtttsss..."

The worst is over. Twelve seconds. Fuck. That's new. Jim, Jim, buddy, it's Bones. Yeah, I'm here.

SHARON! I NEED YOUR HELP! Turn off that transmission, get me Jim's stash, and get Spock in here NOW!!

*muffled sounds of hurried foot steps from nearby*

"Hurts. Help. Hurts."

You're going to be okay, Jim. I've got you, you're-

"T'hy'la!"


	123. Transmission 2262.123

**May 3 rd, 2262**

Ambassador Spock has arrived. He is in visiting with Jim at this time. My counterpart arrived fifty two point eight minutes ago and has since adjusted well to ship atmosphere. Jim is elated that he arrived ‘so fast’ – it would seem Jim’s sense of time is off. However, since Jim’s seizure yesterday afternoon, he has been far more talkative then previously – unfortunately, a migraine did set in shortly before midnight. It would seem the seizure allowed Jim’s neurons to reset and settle, giving him a momentary lull in the ever-constant deluge of pain and sensitive sensory mechanics that are ever-evolved with migraines.

I will not deny that I was frightened when I felt our shallow bond flicker. I- I grew fearful. Another illogical emotion that I do not wish to contemplate again. He is my lover, and I will not lose him. I cannot.

Upon Jim’s consent to allow us to meld and form a mature bond, we will perform the necessary ceremony without delay. My counterpart’s time is of limited value and I cannot allow these migraines to continue. It is – as much as Jim attempts to console my – illogical worry – it is I who am to blame for this occurrence. These migraines are on my head, as Jim would say in any other instance. He claims this is of no one’s fault – ‘we had no idea’ what would happen once we formed an immature bond during Pon Farr. However, I should have recognized the signs sooner; should have requested to get back to the colony at the earliest signs and been allowed to spare Jim this – this _pain_. No matter the consequence that he wanted to mate with me, I find it distasteful that this is the outcome of such a decision. He has been through enough. This should never have happened. Had I – had I found another solution in Pon Farr, had I pushed my clan to allow us to bond prior to leaving New Vulcan, had I-

“Had you ignored him, had you pushed him away, you would be _dead_. And this situation is _not_ of your fault, nor is it Jim’s, and nor is it our clan’s fault. There is no one to blame.”

“You are troubled.”

It is illogical.

“You are still half-human. It is not illogical. He is your bond mate, and his emotions affect you through the bond, immature as it is.”

I have been – shielding. I regret even saying that. He has been in such agony, I-

“You do not need to reason with me, Spock. However, I believe you have some things you must communicate to Jim prior to this ceremony. I am willing to undertake it – I did not come here for pleasantries. You must tell him how you feel. And you must tell him what this all entails. He wants to understand, but you are not letting him in.”

An almost fatal mistake we both have made.

“It would seem so.”

I will go talk with him now.

“Spock – be honest with him. Now more than ever, that honesty is the key to a lasting, fulfilling relationship and bond. You both are still young and learning. When you are in need of me, I will be in conversing with Doctor McCoy.”

Thank you, Spock. 

* * *

 

_Later that evening_

HE DIDN’T EXACTLY EXPLAIN THAT WE WERE GETTING FUCKING MARRIED – ow, okay, okay, I’ll stop yelling, god my head hurts. Fuck this. I’m so done with this. But really, fuck – he didn’t – I thought – _damn it_.

Mom, you’re not here. I don’t – I have to do this because god, this sucks, but I wanted you here. And Sam. I – _it isn’t fair._ But – I can at least make it seem like you are here. It won’t – you won’t be able to understand much, maybe, but I’m going to fucking transmit this.

“Jim-“

Hi, hi, it is really great to have you on board, Spock. Ow. But it fucking came back. Can we just – hurry this up?

“A mature bond will stabilize your neurons and overactive brain, along with create a more secure and solid link between your two katras. But we can only be eighty three point six percent sure a mature bond will help ease your occurrence of migraines from the bond’s perspective.”

Meaning I’ll still get them because it’s genetic from my mom. THANKS MOM. Ugh, no, yes, I get it. But it would allow me to – ya know, _function_. This is – miserable.

“This is highly informal, Jim, Spock – but if you are willing –“

“We are willing.”

Yup, just tell me what to do. And if this somehow fails – I mean, I love you, Spock. And I want this. I mean that.

*Ambassador Spock places one carefully positioned hand on the left side of Spock’s face as they both stand beside Jim’s biobed in Sickbay, no visitors around except a silent Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chapel. He then mirrors the same on the right side of Jim’s face, allowing himself to be centered in preparation of forming a coherent, stable, and mature bond – a lasting link – between his younger self and his t’hy’la.*

“Bring teretuhr. Dahkuh kashkau veh. Fereik-tor kash-naf. Let it be so.” (Bring together. Two minds one. Create mind-link. Let it be so.)

That’s – it?

“Okay, Jim, how do you feel?”

Fine. Possibly better. I – Spock – what can you – oh.

“I believe we were successful.”

It feels a LOT different than our last connection. Far more pleasant.

“Congratulations, Jim, Spock, on your complete and solid marriage bond.”

I’m grateful it worked. Plus, my head doesn’t hurt anymore.

“Thank god that problem was solved.”

So I can leave now, right?

“Nope. I’m observing you for another night.”

But BONES!

“And things are back to normal.”

“I would agree.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now onto our next arc. Oh, this is going to be exciting. (any loose ends shall be tied up!)
> 
> Anyway, as you can see, I didn't go the traditional fandom way. I totally went original. Hope no one minds... it was a solution for a means to an end. Otherwise, Jim would be suffering from migraines for the rest of the story, and well, that's NOT THE POINT! Plus, Jim did get his mom to see his wedding - of sorts. It's not entirely a traditional nor true Vulcan wedding ceremony in the least- but New Vulcan said "no", and maybe at one point they will go back and make sure everything checks out, but ya know - now we've got a few more things to jump through. It should be an interesting month :P
> 
> As always, you guys are amazing, and thank you for the kudos, bookmarks, and especially the COMMENTS! And hits. Those are pleasantly awesome too :) I appreciate it all. 
> 
> Specific Vulcan translations:  
> Teretuhr = together  
> Dahkuh = two  
> Kashkau = minds  
> Veh = one  
> Fereik-tor = create  
> Kash-naf = mind-link


	124. Transmission 2262.124

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May the Fourth be with You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> And may we not all be traumatized by JJ Abrams directing Star Wars 7.... *ugh*
> 
> Then again, I went to Spiderman 2 last night and did NOT know Orci and Kurtzman were handling that until the credits. I was like "well, now it all makes sense." *facepalm*

** May 4th, 2262 **

Hi mom. It feels so much better to not be incapacitated all day long. And really, no more pain – problem solved. Granted, Bones begrudgingly let me out of his Sickbay this morning after multiple aggravating tests. He scanned my brain. I have a neat yellow glowing mass in the very center – in the exact same spot like Spock’s. Yeah. That’s the bond. It’s so – amazing. And different. I like it this way. Granted, Bones let me out on light duty for the day. Because, really, I need _more_ time off from this next ridiculous mission we’re about to go on. 

Okay, it isn’t _ridiculous_ , but it is sure becoming stressful. Spock is, quite literally, all over the place. I think we both became really disorganized with this latest setback. As much as Bones can put me on light duty, fuck, we gotta get back into the game of this. I feel like it has been forever since I actually did anything remotely Captain-ish. Spock gave me back logged reports and requests. Scotty’s at it again with the upgrades. Command has got to be humoring us at this point. Then again, we’re about to get Academy graduates and seniors and science Vulcans as we head out back into the black. This’ll be fun, I can see it now. Oh, and a few people who want to transfer. Welcome to _my_ world. 

Anyway, speaking of Command… Spock officially told them about our marriage. Within the rules and regulations of Starfleet, we had to tell them. Within the Federation, however, we are legally viewed as married because of how the Vulcan species terms their bonding. Of course, we should have told Command about our relationship, and then our bonding shortly after Pon Farr. But what were they really going to do? Stop us half way through this five year mission, the first of its kind, and break us up? They want to stop the greatest Command duo of the century? I mean, hell, together we stopped Nero from destroying Earth, and from Khan – well, that was really all Spock. But, you get what I mean. They can’t separate us now. They might set up an inquiry. Maybe. But they know now. They know we are in a committed relationship. If anything, they will require us to see a healer from the New Vulcan colony – which won’t be until we get back to this part of space, and we don’t know when that will be. I assume with the way we are collecting supplies, we’ll be with the La'orands for quite some time. 

I – I wish you could have been here, mom. I wanted you here. I’m sorry. Stupid – space travel and whatnot. I mean, I love space – we both love space, it’s why we are out here and not bitching at home on the farm – but the distance is hard to take when all I want is a hug at times. Then I just hug Spock – which is almost the same. I guess – well, we only had a Vulcan marriage, which wasn’t technically anywhere near official, but – but maybe when we meet up next Spock and I can get human married? Yeah, that would be nice. Human traditions and all that. 

_Captain?_

Ha, Captain. Right. Hi, Spock. What can I do for you? 

_May I request a visit?_

Of course! Come on in! 

“It is welcoming to see you out of Sickbay.” 

It feels great. Plus, no more headache and pain. My Spock did put me on requests and reports – most boring stuff ever, light duty sucks – but it’s good to be back doing _something_ productive as Captain. Do you want to sit? I was just giving my mom an update. 

“Oh?” *Ambassador Spock takes a seat on the edge of the neatly made bed*

Yeah, since the first of the year I’ve been giving my mom daily updates. Originally it was a ramble on Spock – before anything really took off. We’ve had a shit ton of ups and downs in the past few months. And my crew has been filling in when I couldn’t. Kind of like yesterday. She hasn’t responded to any of them – but I know Uhura works miracles to get them to her. It’s kind of like a diary that isn’t my Captain’s log. Far more outrageously hormonal for a human. 

“You have good rapport with your mother.” 

Try to, anyway. We’re both out in space. The distance is a bit – frustrating. Especially when the last time I saw her I was, once again, in a hospital bed. But enough about me; how are you? I know we haven’t had a ton of time to talk. Is Rand being good to you? And the rest of the gang? 

“Everyone has been accommodating, Jim. They are unique, friendly, and extremely talented; however I am reminded at times of my own timeline. Many share the same names and significant details of their lives, but there are small differences. It is – nostalgic.” 

Don’t let them intimidate you, k? 

_Captain, Admiral Komack is sitting on transmission line 3. He would like to talk to you and Commander Spock._

Ah. Thank you, Lieutenant. Please alert the Commander and we’ll catch the transmission in my ready room. 

_Yes, Captain._

“It would seem you have business to attend to.” 

Isn’t that what it always is? *Jim laughs* We are not done talking, not by a long shot. It is really great to have you here. Make yourself at home. I’ve got to go wrangle in the Admirals. Lunch later? 

“That would be pleasant, Jim.” 

Good.

Oh, woops. Sorry, mom. LOVE YOU! 


	125. Transmission 2262.125

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY PINTO DE MAYO!!!
> 
> Here, have some ridiculously fluffy Kirk and Spock :D

**May 5 th, 2262**

Hey mom.

“Mrs. Kirk.”

Oh, isn’t he dashing. Hmm, anyway. Yup, I’m glad I have Spock. Really. I feel so much better. Even Bones cleared me for all duty. I am back at it.

“It is a relief to see you happy and well, Jim.”

It really is. Let’s just – ya know, forget about yesterday, and all can be chipper. I mean, hell, it’s the Fifth of May! We should have alcohol and chocolate at our disposal right now.

“As I have an eidetic memory, I am not soon to forget about yesterday. And I continue to not understand your reasoning on this particular day to have-“

Spock, shhhh.

*Jim leans over and kisses Spock on the lips.* It’s only an important Mexican holiday. Before, um, Mexico was overtaken by the United States of America and the whole North and Central American countries became one large United States of the Americas. Screw South America. But, ya know, we don’t need the alcohol. Maybe just the chocolate.

“You are highly illogical.”

Good, I like being that way.

“We are not off duty for another eight point five minutes.”

What, an emergency is going to happen in the next eight point five minutes and then what – we won’t be able to be romantic until that’s over? Do you always exaggerate with improbabilities?

“The probability of an emergency occurring within that time frame is fifty seven point eight percent.”

Oh my god, how do you do that?!

“I-“

NO, NO, WAIT – NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS! I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!

“As you wish, Captain.”

So, you know what I was saying about alcohol and chocolate? You didn’t exactly say _no_ , now did you?

Mom, later. I’m seducing my Vulcan. Yeah, that’s right. _Seducing_.


	126. Transmission 2262.126

** May 6th, 2262 **

Busy, busy day. The _Enterprise_ has officially disembarked into almost uncharted space again. I say almost because no one has actually really visited the La'orands since they were first observed. They have made contact, obviously - their warp capability isn't all that advanced, but the point is _they have it_.

Ambassador Spock left. It was wonderful having him here. Sad to see him go, but he cannot be kept from his work any longer than is necessary. He couldn't tell us much, but it sounds like he might be taking part in the same kind of secret mission he was doing in his own universe before Nero and the sudden destruction of Romulus. Which says a lot - I get the feeling the Federation wants to befriend the Romulan Empire as soon as possible; the Klingons are getting more suspicious by the day.

Now that Spock is safe on a transport back to New Vulcan - we have new crew members. Academy recruits - a few familiar faces, but overall, all new teenagers to terrorize.

This could be fun.

No, but in all seriousness, we have a full house, and it's going to be an interesting expedition. There are some Vulcan scientists on board for the summer and I think that'll be the most - difficult part of our mission. Spock's discussing with them and helping them adjust right now - he's been far more pleasant recently. 

I think now that our troubles are behind us from the migraines, we're both feeling much better. I could see it in his eyes - the worry and the confusion. How I feel physically, which reflects mentally, affects him. Goes to show how truly connected we are via our bond.

He is so serious at times, but it is nice to see him relax around my presence - especially in private.

Well, along with Academy graduates and Vulcan scientists - we got Academy seniors. I actually should go round them up - while the _Enterprise_ is still on her five year mission, I am technically their teacher, which means extra curricular assignments. Mostly it's just to get them into the feel of a starship and how it works. Hello diplomacy and mundane work!

Hmm, I remember my senior placement was on the _Farragut_. Good times.

Ah, yeah, I should go round them up. Need to report to Admiral Derringer within the next three hours. 

Oh, I should explain about Admiral Komack - it's been on my mind. Um, later. Yeah, later.

Love you mom!


	127. Transmission 2262.127

**May 7 th, 2262**

Hey, mom. I-

“You’re a fucking IDIOT!”

Really? You waltz in here to confirm that I am maybe slightly crazy?

“ONE OF THEM IS IN MY FUCKING MED BAY BLEEDING.”

His fault. And I _told_ them to be careful.

“They are _your_ responsibility, Jim. You don’t get to teach them how to fuck around Engineering without the proper equipment. Just because _you’re_ indestructible, they are _not_.”

I am not indestructible. And again, I told him to be careful! And did they not learn a valuable lesson? Or like, three?

“You are fucking insufferable.”

I know.

“Day one into having Academy seniors, and you almost _kill_ one of them. Imagine how Derringer will take that.”

Pleasantly. I already talked to him. Can I talk to my mom in private?

“Fine. Be that way. He’s a fucking asshole, Winona.”

I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHEN YOU BECAME ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH MY MOTHER!

“Bye, Jim!”

Okay, come on, it wasn’t THAT BAD. Mom, whatever Bones might tell you, I didn’t almost kill anyone. We were going over safety protocol in Engineering and I decided to teach them how _not_ to do – a certain something. They knew the risks. They are SENIORS AT THE ACADEMY! They get to learn this stuff really fast, or die learning it.

And the kid is _fine_. Bones just overreacts. In fact, I think it only helped him out. His appendix needed to come out.

Anyway, what was I going to talk about? Oh, yeah, Admiral Komack.

_Captain, T’Prol requests your presence in Science Lab 3._

Ah, yes, thank you, Mr. Spock. I will be right there.

I guess not today. Duty calls.

Love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *giggles* Thank you Cabin Pressure for giving me the idea to do "HOW NOT TO DO SOMETHING" - and then get injured because you showed someone how _not_ to do that something :P


	128. Transmission 2262.128

**May 8 th, 2262**

Okay, maybe I was a little unforgiving yesterday with the whole student injury. Shit happens, and he’s going to be fine.

I think I’m slightly more pessimistic when it comes to death and dying and doing stupid stunts – which I do _all_ the time.

Hmm, you learn new things every day.

The Vulcan scientists seem to be fitting in nicely. While we have yet to reach Triceree – home planet of the La’orands – they seem eager to begin working on experiments and examining plants from previous planets. Spock and Sulu are engrossed in teaching them equipment and safety and where they can work in peace without interruptions. Unless we end up in an emergency, they will be mostly on their own on the science lab level.

Slow acclimation period for both the seniors and the new graduates. Scotty seems to be having fun running circles around the newest band of red shirts. Bones is finding it frustrating – he would, by the way – with two new nurses who have barely been in a heavy starship atmosphere. The rest of my crew is doing really well making them feel at home.

My crew is the best. They know what they are doing and are good at it. We aren’t afraid to invite new people into our space. While Earth feels far away, home is _here_.

Miss you. I gotta get back to the bridge.


	129. Transmission 2262.129

** May 9th, 2262 **

Finally getting a chance to sit down today. It's been crazy. Reports, more reports, briefings - Rand keeps handing me PADD after PADD of need-to-fucking-know information on the La'orands. Spock insists I need to know it _all_. Which I believe it - boy, do I believe it.

Which brings me to Admiral Komack.

Upon hearing about Spock and I's relationship, he put us on probation. We won't be separated - we're just going to be closely watched for like, six months. No big deal - right?

Except Spock and I get into a lot of - trouble. This diplomatic mission is highly important to the Federation, and for our places as Captain and First Officer. We could lose it all if we aren't careful. By the book. Dot all our i's and cross our t's. And I am - unsure. Spock will be fine, always.

I'm worried about _me_.

Time will tell. We should reach our destination in about five to six days. Sulu and Chekov know the exact numbers, as does Spock. He has a beautiful mind and sense of time *happy sigh*.

_Captain, Admiral Derringer left you a message._

Thank you, Lieutenant.

And the academy students never get a moment. Wait, neither do I.

Love you.


	130. Transmission 2262.130

**May 10 th, 2262**

“Jim, we are expected in your ready room in eight point six minutes.”

I know, I know. She can wait though.

“The President of the Federation does not ‘wait’ for anyone, Jim.”

Yeah, talk about an important diplomatic mission coupled with Federation relief. Haven’t seen Ms. President since the _Enterprise_ was rechristened over two years ago. Not that she is stopping by – we’re getting a comm. in eight minutes.

Which, now I have to go get ready, because Spock is yelling at me through our link.

Even though it isn’t yelling, it’s more of a gentle push to get moving.

It is a bit difficult to explain.

Work never stops. This will be quite the entertaining pit stop. Hmm, wonder how many sexual remarks I can get into this comm.

OH MY GOD, HE BELIEVES ME.

SPOCK! COME ON!


	131. Transmission 2262.131

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

**May 11 th, 2262**

Promise Spock didn’t take me _that_ seriously yesterday. And we were cordial with Ms. President. She’s cool – kind of. People with that much power are scary, especially within the Federation. And this is a huge diplomatic mission, and we cannot fuck this up. At all.

Now Spock is holed up in the science labs with the Vulcan scientists. He doesn’t – today isn’t easy for him, especially in human terms.

Mother’s Day.

His mother was human, and she’s – gone. I don’t fault him. I’ve had my share of moments, so honestly, I’m okay with giving him his preferred distance right now. I mean – it cannot be easy when here I am, talking to my _own_ mother. I’m lucky to still have you, mom. Even if Father’s Day has always been a thorn in our sides; and Frank never was a good vibe. Sorry, mom. I know you thought you liked him.

Enough of the history though. Miss you, a lot. Happy Mother’s Day, even if this gets to you much later than today, the 11th of May.

But that’s okay. Space is big. And we’re still traveling. Few more days. A lot of information to process.

I should get back out there.

Seriously, mom. I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, mother's day ended up on the SAME exact day in the year 2262 as it is this year, 2014. Kind of awesome :D


	132. Transmission 2262.132

**May 12 th, 2262**

Okay, yes, you were saying?

“The schedule won’t be posted until we have made contact with the locals, Captain.”

Ah. Understood, Lieutenant. Has Spock distributed the briefing material?

“Each of the senior crew members has a copy. Your students also have been given a copy per your instructions. I warned them of a test tomorrow.”

I knew I liked you, Uhura.

“Is that all, Captain?”

Yes, Lieutenant. If you could, tell Scotty I would like to discuss with him important Engineering details for this mission after his shift ends. Oh, and I would like to have Hendorff present to discuss security measures.

“Of course, Captain.”

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Gearing up to the next level for when we make contact with the La’orands. My Ensigns are getting nervous. Heck, my Academy graduates are nervous. Not sure if that’s because of me or the mission at hand – I pride myself on being likable. I think.

Ha, Spock says otherwise. ‘Logically, you are above them as their Captain. They are meant to show you respect and obey your commands’ – god, he’s cute, even if he is missing the point.

He’s doing okay. Just busy. We both are. Tensions are rising – nervousness aside, we aren’t sure exactly what will happen. Spock’s fucking probability of error is pretty high because, well, it is _me_ , but I trust this will be a learning experience for ALL of us. And this is really important to the Federation and for the La’orands. I just – I’ve read everything. And don’t tell Spock this, it is the only thing I haven’t exactly um – told him about, yet. Not for lack of timing – which, hmm, most of it _has_ been lack of a good time to dump this history on him – but really, I get this deep suspicion we are headed into another –

 _Captain, Starfleet Command is hailing us_.

I’ll be right there.


	133. Transmission 2262.133

**May 13 th, 2262**

Work, work, work. I am being run ragged.

At least I have Spock.

It is nice to come back to our shared quarters after a long day and just – be close. We’re close in our minds, always, but it is so much more satisfying when we have physical contact. Especially when we aren’t on the bridge at the same time all that often, and he has been helping the Vulcan scientists adjust, holed up in the science labs most hours of his on-call shift. The system works well, but at what cost to us and our _sanity_?

Is this what it was like with Dad? You in Engineering, and him on the bridge?

Technically Spock is my First Officer, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like we’re a Command pair – and one of the best in the Federation at this time. This five year space exploration is long, and draining. I wouldn’t change my place in this universe for the world, and especially when it comes to Spock I would never want to change a thing – but –

Mom, this whole thing smells fishy.

I don’t blame you for Tarsus IV, that’s all Frank – I got over that in the long run. But I do not want to get to the La’orands tomorrow and find out it’s just another genocide.

Spock doesn’t know. And he doesn’t suspect.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: teaser trailer for "Into the Woods" has been released. Christmas cannot come fast enough. *Chris Pine singing will be my undoing*


	134. Transmission 2262.134

**May 14 th, 2262**

Welcome to Triceree, where crop failure abounds and, as I suspected, people are dying.

Everything I read told me they just needed some relief help, and felt they should have support – aka the Federation. Their decision to join the Federation is a bit up in the air at this point. They don’t really have a government, more of a group of people composed of one person from each family and they decide what to do and say and how to act. Even though I get the feeling that once we get down there, that won’t be the case. They are bipedal, however have about seven different genders. And the only way you know the gender is to ask because it is all in their DNA and not of physical appearance. They really don’t care much; they are far more worried about keeping people alive or whatnot. They have warp capability, but it’s still in the early stages – not as advanced at the _Enterprise_ , so to speak.

We’ve made contact with F’rora, one of the original individuals who contacted the Federation about four weeks ago requesting assistance and diplomacy. Their language is simple and Lieutenant Uhura is already configuring the Universal Translator for when we go down. We have not been given the okay to go down yet, but we have sent down a few things via the transporter.

It’s not – obviously it isn’t the same as Tarsus IV, but I feel the similarities. I don’t have the full picture yet. We haven’t gone down there to see their condition yet. F’rora looks – well, we have very little to compare, so I can’t say if F’rora looks okay or is suffering. They are a very interesting species that’s for sure. Cause of the crop failure is unknown. People dying from starvation is always unsettling. So far there is no reason to suspect foul play.

Let’s just hope this goes off without a hitch.

Spock’s on the bridge right now and I should be headed to get my students ready for a landing party. Acclamation at its finest.

All in a day’s work as Captain.


	135. Transmission 2262.135

**May 15 th, 2262**

Busy day on the star ship _Enterprise_.

Jim literally ran by me in the hall not five minutes ago yelling “CAN YOU UPDATE MY MOM?!” with his yellow command shirt half on and half off.

He doesn’t sleep in.

And his hair was wet.

I did not need that mental image of my best friend – well, ya know. Banging the First Officer.

Saying it is appalling.

Thank God Sickbay is completely quiet. I’ve been reorganizing the past few days. I am mostly keeping tabs on Jim and the situation on the planet, which we still have not been given clearance to transport down to. Jim is growing an ulcer with – anxiety, regret, _something_. Scans show some pretty bad spots down there, and the sooner we can give medical relief, the better. Sending down supplies is not good enough. Triage, medical care, nutrition, counseling – they need it _all_.

And here I am worried about Jim. He’s not exactly handling the situation on the planet all that well. While we don’t know much, I can only wonder what will happen when we do get down there. Clinically, it won’t be pretty. Politically – well, let’s just hope this goes smoothly.

What am I kidding, what mission ever goes fucking smooth?

Oh, and the lack of response from _Spock_ , for that matter, is disturbing. At least they seem to be communicating on some level, but I’m frustrated that Spock is nowhere near giving Jim the emotional lean-to he needs. He needs a fucking wall, that’s what Jim needs.

Will wonders never cease on these two, that’s for sure.

I’ve got to make sure shit isn’t falling down out there.

Later, ma’am.

McCoy out.


	136. Transmission 2262.136

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* Star Trek Into Darkness was released in the USA exactly a year ago. My life has never been the same, I'm pretty sure.

**May 16 th, 2262**

The landing party has been planet side for about five hours. Spock almost told Jim he wasn’t allowed to go, but I think they had a bit of a serious conversation behind closed doors and well – no more completely anxiety, even if Jim looked unsettled. Dr. McCoy, two senior nurses, Commander Spock, Captain Kirk, Chief Security Officer Hendorff, four Academy seniors, three recently graduated Ensigns, one recently graduated Lieutenant, five seasoned security officers, and Lieutenant Uhura all beamed down. We’ve gotten a few reports in, but there is a lot going on down there at this time. More to come.

Which meant they left me in charge.

I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced, ma’am. I’m Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu, Chief Pilot aboard the _Enterprise_ , along with specialties in hand-to-hand combat and botany and manning Science Lab 2. I’m a part of Jim’s senior command team, however I am far more diverse in my work assignments around the _Enterprise_. Many of us are diverse in our specialties. I think it is a part of the reason we all work so well together; why Jim is an effective leader here aboard the _Enterprise_.

He’s a surprising individual. Don’t know where we would be without him.

I think most of the crew is still in shock that somehow Kirk and Spock are able to function as a Command team while also bonded. A relationship with a crew member out in space isn’t totally uncalled for – we are bound to get lonely out here (I’ve been giving Chekov looks for a bit now…) *cough* - but I’m sure Starfleet Command cannot be okay with a Captain and First Officer in a committed relationship like that. However, I realize I am not one to speak on such things. Not my right to pass judgment – they are still effective and it doesn’t interfere with the way the ship runs. Jim is still a brilliant Captain, and Spock balances him out very well.

 _Mr. Sulu, Captain Kirk would like your presence in the transporter room_.

On my way.

Ma’am.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I searched and I don't believe Sulu has voiced one of these before. However, all I did was search my word document's for the name "Sulu" - because especially when it ISN'T Jim, I make sure they tell Winona who is speaking at one point (McCoy's pretty good at saying it at the end, they have their quirks) - so... hopefully I don't make a complete ass of myself, lol!


	137. Transmission 2262.137

**May 17 th, 2262**

Triceree is a bit of a disaster. They had a crop failure and – it isn’t pretty. I don’t think I’ve seen Jim look so – no wait, I have, but he looks far more closed off than normal. It was a slow crop failure and they couldn’t stop it. Their governing council wasn’t sure how to handle the failure and unanimously decided to ask for help, which ultimately brought them to the decision to join the Federation. Jim is practicing his diplomatic skills while also managing relief efforts.

Totally see how the whole science division and Command division is very involved planet side. And why I, Montgomery Scott, am in charge right now.

Which is rare. Jim trusts his whole chain of command, but there isn’t much time for myself, Dr. McCoy, or even _Chekov_ to be holding down the _Chair_. Or the responsibilities of being Acting Captain. Jim is always in charge, unless he’s in Sickbay, and then Spock is in charge. We’ve all had our moments of disbelief and ‘what the fuck is going on?’ anger, but overall, this mission has been pretty smooth. Our current assignment is no different. Ethically troubling.

It would seem the crop failure initiated –


	138. Transmission 2262.138

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That is what we call the cliffhanger to end ALL cliffhangers.
> 
> Well, no, not really. But I purposely needed to do that. You're about to find out _why_.
> 
> On another note, I realize that you all may not know who was speaking yesterday - and that would be Scotty. As I've said, I always have "strangers" (usually those who aren't Jim and/or Spock) state their name, even if they have spoken before on these transmissions. And because of my abrupt cliffhanger, that didn't exactly happen. I have edited the chapter for ease of reading.
> 
> Okay, I'll stop rambling. OH JIM.....................

**May 18 th, 2262**

Mild… explosion… nothing to worry about. I think. Scotty says he has it under control now, but it killed our communication network for six hours yesterday. And the transporter. Uhura was pissed. She’d been receiving a mildly important transmission from Starfleet Command. We finally got it – still okay to go ahead. They are sending more aid as soon as possible, thankfully.

It’s bad down there, mom. I knew it wouldn’t be pretty, but – I don’t know how much you’ve been told while I’ve been planet side. So far, I would reason they are completely normal for their species and not going to harm us. These kinds of things always seem to backfire. Not this time. Tomorrow we conduct the initiation ceremony, which brings them in the Federation and signs Starfleet up to bring more aid. They need it.

The crop failure was slow. It would seem they aren’t experienced in crop failure, so they couldn’t stop it from devastating their reserves. They grow a multitude of foreign plants, which all were affected. Spock has been highly involved in determining what failed and examining the soil with the other Vulcans.

However, it isn’t just the crop failure that’s the problem. When the food reserves began to diminish, the whole community and their council of sorts held a meeting and decided to just stop feeding the aged, the disabled, and those who weren’t contributing to the community in a ‘worthwhile way’ – whatever that is supposed to mean. I’m human, and have no idea how you have to be contributing to society in a ‘worthwhile way’ to be given the green light to _not starve to death_.

Spock – I cannot even begin to say it all right now. But – well, he managed to actually say it was a _good_ thing for evolution to take place on this planet. Like it did on earth. This isn’t fucking _evolution_. This has NOTHING to do with evolution! This is murder, plain and simple. I mean, _fuck_ –

I can’t. It’s _wrong_. No one deserves to die. And _not_ by starvation.

It’s bad down there. We were too late because they hold themselves to be a bit – prideful. And we didn’t know the extent of the problem. It is like Tarsus IV, but it isn’t because – god, how much I’d love to punch Kodos right now.

It’s almost time to go back down. I’ve been taking a lot of shifts down there, talking to council members and observing. Trying to _help_. I’m pissed though right now. Spock – doesn’t _understand_. And yet he can somehow say this is _expected_. That this is _okay_. _The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few_. He’s used that same damn excuse before. And NO. The ‘few’ do not get to just equate to living, breathing human beings who slowly _starve to death_. This is never expected and never okay. There are solutions and will always be another choice. We’re going to help this world, this species, so that this never happens again.


	139. Transmission 2262.139

**May 19 th, 2262**

I can’t get it out of my head. I just – I watched Kevin hold a little one as they died this evening. He and I had taken a shift in their make-shift hospital and god – it was awful. It’s not _fair_.

I remember – I remember Erica and Jacob and –

“Jim, you should try and get some sleep before the morning comes.”

I’m not particularly tired, Spock.

“You are – not happy with me. I can sense it in your voice. And the fact you are shielding from me.”

I don’t want to talk about this right now, Spock.

“Was it something I have done or said? You have not mentioned anything to be wrong.”

Wouldn’t you like to know… I’m not in the mood, Spock. Really.

“If it was something I said, I-“

Fine, you want to do this now, let’s talk about it. I – you said something yesterday that I did not appreciate in the slightest. The situation on Triceree is not _expected_ and it isn’t _okay_. No one deserves to die. No one deserves to be told they have to starve. I’ve watched too many people die, too many people starve because someone decided this _needs of the many_ philosophy was _logical_. It isn’t _logical_. It will NEVER be logical. Your blatant disregard for life has always been evident – Nibiru and Catrican perfect examples. But those are examples of your own life, and now you feel that it is logical to put this philosophy onto an entire species that is _dying_.

“Their food supply was diminished. They came to a general consensus—“

 _That’s not the fucking point_.

There is – you want to know why I was hesitant to completely bond with you? To allow you full access to my mind, my thoughts, my memories? The reason why I’m shielding right now? Because I’m having a hard time keeping the flashbacks at bay, especially now. Because my past is awful and you would hate me for it. But I still do my job. I’m still trying to do my part, even if Command is fucking slow on the uptake.

The Academy teaches about this situation in their ethics classes. They argue if he was right. They wonder what really sparked the mass executions of thousands of people. They only fucking _speculate_. Some of the teachers think that he was RIGHT! Disgusting, hateful words to students who don’t know, can’t understand – but I do. I fucking do.

But I was _there_. I experienced it firsthand. It is imprinted in my brain like it happened yesterday. A holo vid that never stops. I watched my friends, my _charges_ , my surrogate aunt and uncle, and my own life fall to pieces. I watched people die. Some from starvation. Others from phaser fire. The food situation was pretty gruesome. And yet the Academy can’t even begin to FATHOM what happened. Hell, Starfleet barely knows what happens. Everyone was sworn to secrecy.

“Jim-“

I was on Tarsus IV.

And I cannot – no. No. Their deaths are on me. On Kodos.

The situation down there on Triceree right now is bad. But we can help. We can intervene. No one deserves to die, to starve.

And I do not want to – this isn’t the right time for this.

“I did not know. I have spoken out of turn.”

I’m sorry, Spock. But – I just can’t right now. I can’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *silence*
> 
> On another note, Kevin is Kevin Riley. 
> 
> He'll come up again.


	140. Transmission 2262.140

**May 20 th, 2262**

I – I don’t know if I trust him anymore.

It’s late. It’s – past midnight. Okay then. Yeah, uh. The La’orands species is now an official species within the Federation.

I haven’t spoken to Spock outside of our official capacity. He seems to at least understand I need space.

I feel very conflicted. It’s – disheartening.

I don’t - I don’t hate him, but – what am I supposed to do?

I feel out of time.

I feel like I’ve made a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whistles innocently*
> 
> Oh, and btw, I am _not_ destroying a ship I've worked this hard to keep together since January 1st. It's not even JUNE guys! This ship WILL CONTINUE TO SAIL.
> 
> They just have shit to work out first. Welcome to my world....


	141. Transmission 2262.141

**May 21 st, 2262**

It would seem I have disappointed your son, Mrs. Kirk. A wrong I wish to rectify, if he would allow me to. However, he spends ninety-five point three percent of his time down on the planet and the rest of the time barely eating, drinking, cleansing, and sleeping. I am more – I am substantially worried about his health. It has always been a precarious thing, however I believe his emotional health has declined. Doctor McCoy is looking into it. It would seem Jim has not confided in his best friend, which seems unusual. If anything, Jim tells more to Doctor McCoy than myself, even as his bond mate and First Officer.

Jim was outraged over my seemingly flippant way of stating the evolutionary process on the planet –which stated the La’orands deserved what they are suffering. My lack of emotion in regards to what is happening to the species of the La’orands is troubling to Jim. He does – not understand. I feel that I do not myself.

In hindsight, my observations were careless. As a scientist, I cannot assume. And I have done just that. I have more to learn and more to observe. I have much information to gather before assuming the La’orands made the right decision. Letting people die is not – it is not logical. I have learned this lesson. With the destruction of my home planet.

I do not fault Jim in any way. He has every right to be frustrated with me. I have caused him great – great pain. Especially when he was specifically so blatantly forceful with revealing his past to me. I had not known – and to think he was on Tarsus IV… my anger is illogical at the one named Kodos the Executioner. But it is there nonetheless, and it is _strong_.

I do not wish to harm Jim. I hope he will allow me to give my peace. He continues to block out bond out of spite, and has taken to sleeping within his old quarters.

I feel the loss.


	142. Transmission 2262.142

**May 22 nd, 2262**

Spock, can you hold on a second? I get what you’re saying, I do. I really do. Just –

Will you do something with me?

“I will do whatever it takes to earn your trust back.”

Okay then. We’ve – this isn’t an easy subject to talk about. I of all people understand that because I’ve had to live with it my whole life. The current situation is difficult to process. What you said was wrong, and you realize that now. Don’t – come on, don’t give me the puppy dog look. God, you are insufferable sometimes. But really, I can tell that you feel guilty-

“I do not feel any-“

Don’t give me that excuse!

Will you – will you meld with me? I know you have full access to my mind, but I feel this is the only way we can talk about this without chewing the other into the ground.

I love you, Spock. We just need to find the happy middle ground between our personalities. And our different characteristics and upbringing.

Will you do this for me? For us?

“If you are truly willing. I do not wish to harm you.”

You won’t. I want this. It’s high time we finally did this. We’ve been skirting around the bush far too fucking long. We’re bonded – why aren’t we fucking sharing each other’s deepest thoughts? Our hearts? Our past. There is nothing either of us can really fault in the other when it comes to who we are. We’re together for a reason. I know that much for sure.

“I love you, Jim.”

Come here then. Yup, sit. *Spock sits on the bed beside Jim* Okay then. Let’s do it.

*Spock places his hands on the side of Jim’s face, aligning his fingers to the critical meld points on Jim’s face*

“My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.”


	143. Transmission 2262.143

**May 23 rd, 2262**

Jim and Spock have been on the planet all day. We’re set to leave in the next twenty four hours because extra support just arrived and Command just yelled at Jim to get a detailed report in. Which means we’re about two days away from new orders. Go figure.

I finally went down to the planet myself – not pretty. I know it’s hitting Jim pretty hard. But he’s resilient. He seems a lot more – gathered in the face of disaster.

_Bones!_

Hmm, yes?

_GET DOWN HERE! We’re waiting!_

I was down there this morning.

_You’re going to want to watch me get Spock unraveled._

Oh god. I’ll be right there.


	144. Transmission 2262.144

**May 24 th, 2262**

Are our problems fixed? No. But I think we’ve finally reached the pinnacle of our relationship: we know everything about each other. And with it, that can make us stronger.

Spock’s a good guy. I love him. We just have a few kinks to work out and misunderstandings. Ethics aside, he’s learning. I’m learning.

Command is on my ass once again. I did what they wanted, I mean, holy CRAP! Demanding little sonsofabitches. Good thing they don’t have access to these transmissions. I’m reporting, I’m signing on the dotted lines – Rand is doing a WONDERFUL job of keeping my ass in line. So is Spock.

Anyway, the La’orands’ are on their way to healing and the extra support has arrived. A few stragglers are still planet side – I cannot get Kevin to even come up for actual _food_. He’s regressing. We need to talk – we’ve mostly held silent eye stare conversations while on the planet. Otherwise, they are an official entity of the United Federation of Planets and we’re glad to have them.

Rumors are that our next assignment will deal with searching for dilithium. Nice. Out into unmanned space and we will be searching for dilithium.

Politics. Fuck.

Gotta go check up on Spock. He’s been back in the science labs for the past two and a half shifts. Hopefully they aren’t blowing anything up.

That wouldn’t be a first.


	145. Transmission 2262.145

**May 25 th, 2262**

Uhura just forwarded three messages from you to my quarters. Gosh, it has been far too long, Mom. I realize you’re still receiving my own transmissions, especially when I and my crew send one a day, but it was nice to hear your voice and input on previous happenings. Crazy times on the _Enterprise_ , that’s for sure.

Glad to know things are well! Man, this whole long distance thing is hard – your messages don’t even cover our bonding yet. Hopefully you’ve received those. Uhura pulls strings and works some impressive magic sending these off. I have the best crew.

Mostly been spending the day on the bridge with my students. Scary that I’m their teacher – what was the Academy thinking?! Kidding! I love this job. They are so far doing rotations in every area, even if it isn’t their current area of study. At one point I need to discuss with Spock about simulations. I don’t want these students caught off guard by an attack. Their own simulations at school are not exactly like real life. Plus, we’ve got some time to kill. Three weeks until we reach our next destination. Long time to be cooped up in this fabulous beast.

_I asked you to show up in my Sickbay thirteen minutes ago!_

I stopped by my quarters to grab something. Slightly sidetracked. What is going on _now_?

 _YOUR PHYSICAL, THAT’S WHAT IS UP. GET DOWN HERE NOW, JIM_!

You are insufferable.

 _ASSHOLE_.

And he’s my best friend. Well then.

Oh, Spock’s looking for me too. I’m apparently a wanted man.

Bye, mom. It was a joy to hear from you! Hope to again soon.


	146. Transmission 2262.146

**May 26 th, 2262**

Reports from around the Federation: Klingons, the _Enterprise_ and our relief effort, the President of the Federation visiting New Vulcan, and… other stuff. Uninteresting.

Except maybe the Klingons. We’re having a few too many run-ins with them. I’m amazed we aren’t at war. I get that feeling we should have been about two years ago. Go figure.

Command hasn’t actually given us any information on our next destination, just some coordinates. I don’t think there is much they can tell us – we get to figure that out. But I know we’re in search for new life, new civilizations, and dilithium. How eloquent.

The stars look brighter out here. Far from home, far from familiar territory. Peaceful.

And Spock. Ah, Spock.

Speaking of which, he’s been meditating a lot lately. I think – well, our latest tiff has seemed to make him much more introspective and quiet. Which makes sense. But all his off time is involved with meditating. I think he’s trying to be gentle.

Like we have a gentle relationship. Such a joke.

I gotta go find him. Later mom.


	147. Transmission 2262.147

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today was hell, next month looks like hell, but hey, at least I have this and Star Trek Next Generation to keep me occupied ;) (at least I get to see OneRepublic and the Script next month, along with go to San Francisco. Exactly one month!)

**May 27 th, 2262**

Hi mom, um, yeah. Spock’s great. I’m great. I think.

“JIM, GET BACK HERE!”

OKAY, YEAH, BYE, BONES IS GOING TO HYPO ME AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID!

“JAMES T. KIRK, GET. BACK. HERE!”

LOVE YOU!


	148. Transmission 2262.148

**May 28 th, 2262**

Okay, he has got to stop hypoing me.

“Captain Kirk, does Doctor McCoy have a vendetta out on you?”

He just might. But we’ve been friends for years, and he’s seen a fair share of my injuries. And allergic reactions. I’ll even tell you a secret: he brought be back from death.

“Can you tell us about it?”

“What was it like?”

“How did he do it?”

“You have allergies?”

“How reckless ARE you?”

Mom, meet my students. Eleven bright senior Academy students – three from Command, two from Medical, one from Warp Mechanics, one training as Pilot, one from Security, two from Communications, and one heading into Navigation.

Guys, say hi.

“Hi, Mrs. Kirk.”

“Hello Kirk’s mom.”

“Her name is Winona, guys. She-“

“SHE’S AN ENGINEER!”

“How does she cope in space when her husband died in space?”

“The Captain was born in space!”

Wow, wow, okay guys. We all know my history. You probably learned it in class.

“Admiral Archer held a seminar!”

“Lara, that was about the _Enterprise_ , not our Captain.”

“We actually had to learn about everything before even getting a spot on this ship. To be so far from home – out in _space_!”

“We’re the best!”

“Dude, Archer has a thing for impressing Kirk, didn’t you know?”

Oh god, mom, I can’t even shut them up for ten seconds.

“HE DOES NOT!”

“Mr. Scott has alcohol in engineering, did you know that?”

“Chekov has the cutest face.”

“Dr. McCoy is crazy.”

“I like Nurse Chapel!”

GUYS, GUYS, OKAY! I want all of you to get back to your homework assignments I just – *ding* sent to you. You have thirty minutes to complete it.

Yup, that’s how you shut them up. Give them a homework assignment.

I should actually teach these guys. Later mom!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I searched, thinking I had actually numbered how many Vulcan scientists and senior academy students were on the ship. Come to find out - no I didn't. WELL, NOW WE KNOW! :P At least the students, lol.


	149. Transmission 2262.149

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *giggles* when I don't give a lot, I come back with huge chapters. Life :P

**May 29 th, 2262**

Hmm, they actually might be a little crazy. But weren’t you like that, Spock, at the Academy? Even a little?

“I took my studies seriously.”

So did I. I still found time for fun.

“I remember quite clearly our initial meeting, Jim. You cheated.”

We cleared that up. Simple misunderstanding of how the Kobayashi Maru was a shitty program.

“You still believe there is no such thing as a no-win scenario.”

Come on, Spock. Look at what we’ve accomplished together. Bones brought me back from the _dead_. Yes, people have _died_. Yes, we’ve had our fair share of danger and hopelessness. But a no-win scenario is truly unlikely. Real life will always allow us to think up another option. You know I’m creative like that. Together we have fought the IMPOSSIBLE. I added a sub routine because your own program didn’t allow for original thought. Did you ever wonder why I came back for a second, and even a third, time?

“I concede your point.”

You’ve never been that easy to convince. You’ve seemed – distant. Wanna talk about it?

Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

“You have been preoccupied. Students deserve your attention, as does the rest of the ship, at this time. We have been in close proximity ample amount of times to reassure me of-“

They aren’t allowed to insult you. I mean, hell, have you seen yourself? You’re brilliant. You helped save Earth. They cannot blame you for Vulcan. You’re a Commander in Starfleet – an organization dedicated to advancing the universe, each species it comes into contact with, and thriving on knowledge. It’s about the experience of learning and exploring the universe. Seeking new life and new civilizations – going where no one else has gone before! The Vulcan Scientists _requested_ to join the _Enterprise_ this summer because of the knowledge we have already _learned_. They wanted to be a part of it. I allowed that by accepting their request. But if they are going to be coy with you and rude to you in your Science labs, I won’t have it. You tell me the next time it happens.

“I do not need your assistance, Captain.”

So I’m not Jim in this instance, I’m the Captain. Then if I’m the Captain, I have an obligation to protect my crew and visitors at all cost. As you bond mate, I also have the obligation to make sure you are okay – mentally, physically, and spiritually. Don’t fuck with me, Spock. I’m – well, in an emotional capacity, as much as you ignore it, I’m your everything. Got it?

Spock, do you understand?

“I – I understand, Captain.”

Good. We’ll talk again tonight, okay? I know you have other work to attend to. Just remember that I will defend you because you’re worth it. They are our guests, but they are also functioning professional adults. They do not need to act childish.

“They do not act like children, Captain.”

You know what I mean, Spock.

“I will see you tonight, Jim.”

Tonight, Spock.

Ah, lovely. He’s being, in so many words, picked on by the Vulcan Scientists. Should have seen that one coming. Maybe I need to have Spock teach my students for a bit. They are all playing cute on the bridge right now – Chekov, Sulu, and Uhura are all watching over them. I should head back up there myself. Spock had a few seconds to crash our quarters. We got talking.

Teaching is an interesting experience. Never expected it to be this.

Later, mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, as you may notice, things are really slow with this right now - I'm bouncing around a lot of ideas and Kirk and Spock are kind of floating around space. Welcome to travel! Anyway, things should pick up soon. I've had to scoop up plot points from my sad plot corner because I only really have.... three... major plot points left between now and the end of the year (WHAT?!!) but I'm trying to space them out, lol. 
> 
> If anyone has any creative ideas or specific things they want to see at some point in this fanfic, don't be afraid to tell me. Credit where credit is due.
> 
> PS: thanks to my awesome plot-idea bouncer, dragonsigma :D She's influenced a few of the ideas. Should have mentioned that like, a couple of months ago. WOOPS.


	150. Transmission 2262.150

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 150. WOW. And like, WOW GUYS. You all came out of the wood works yesterday! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BLOWING UP MY INBOX! :P 
> 
> And oops, just found where I mentioned how many senior students there are: April 30th: "In five days we will also welcome to the crew twenty two graduates of Starfleet Academy, three senior students on summer internships, and eight Vulcan Science Academy students"
> 
> DANG IT.
> 
> Reminder that yes, one day I will edit this. I'm sticking with my new idea - there are 11 SENIOR STUDENTS! It makes it more funny. You'll see why!
> 
> PS: new style for today. Kind of. Anyway, I'm done rambling... I think....

**May 30 th, 2262**

_Captain’s log, Star Date 2262.150_

_The_ Enterprise _is currently on course towards the planetary system of M3728, heading at a warp speed of four. Mr. Scott is currently keeping us going by sheer will. No, okay, I kid – we’re physically fine. Just a small malfunction during the night. We’ll continue to make good time to the recently discovered planetary system by the_ Archer _, headed by Captain Joseph Leer and his First Officer and Chief Engineer, Lieutenant Commander Winona Kirk. No meet ups are planned at this time – they continue on with their mapping and scanning mission set out before them since leaving Earth thirty one months ago._

_All is good. The students are quiet and kept busy, the Vulcan Science Academy individuals are under the careful watch of Mr. Spock and his science crew, with little mishap occurring. Mr. Spock has brushed up against them because of his status within Starfleet. Continuing to monitor at this time. Recent Academy graduates are acclimating well to their posts._

_We have not had any recent run-ins with the Klingons. All is quiet on the_ Enterprise _._

_Kirk out._

Okay, so why did I just play that? Because.

So that small tidbit came to me late last night from Command when they told us to explore the planetary system of M3728, for dilithium mind you, that was recently scanned and mapped by _you_. I know this won’t get to you for a bit, but HOW COOL IS THAT?!! Wish we could meet up.

Oh well. Duty calls and such.

Scotty is keeping us going. We’re keeping good time, but he wants us to get a little faster. We’re not getting above warp four at this time. He’s pissed. I don’t blame him. Then again, he is attempting to fix this old girl with duct tape and gum, so…..

KIDDING. See, that’s why I don’t mention that in my Captain’s log!

Anyway, smooth sailing at this point.

_Captain, Cadet Neilson would like to meet with you in your ready room._

Thank you, Ensign.

Hmm, where did Rand go?

Love you, mom!


	151. Transmission 2262.151

**May 31 st, 2262**

Captain Kirk has been in Engineering for the past fifteen hours assisting Chief Engineer Scott fix some, as told to me, ‘unruly wiring’. It has – gone downhill from there, to us human vernacular. I have been promoted to acting Captain in place of Captain Kirk’s current absence within Engineering and neglecting the rest of his duties. I do not blame him. He holds a high interest within the mechanical world. His specialties are intensely broad and knowledgeable. He is in the right place at this time.

The _Enterprise_ continues onward to M3728 for exploration purposes.

The crew is currently debriefing heavily upon our experiences at Triceree, and Doctor McCoy is – as Jim would say – ‘grouching’ about playing the part of a counselor. The _Enterprise_ was not lucky enough to gain a full time counselor for such a long journey after the destruction of Nero and the wrath of Khan. Starfleet is working on fixing the deficits currently afflicting many parts of the system. Many individuals were shoved into higher positions of rank in such a short time and are still continuing to acclimate to their posts with very little guidance. It is a – thankfully, Starfleet continues to hold strong in light of the deficits. Graduates of the Academy are generally surpassing Ensign and achieving higher ranks far faster than usual. With the rebuilding of Vulcan and the rebuilding of San Francisco, there is much to build upon within the organization itself. Great strides are being made.

Jim sends his wishes of wellness. He regrets being kept busy at this time.

I require meditation at this time. It has been a rather trying day. It would seem – I would not allow Jim to hear of it, but the Vulcan scientists do not think highly of my interests, position, or capabilities. It is not – adequate functioning. They are respectable, somewhat, of my science division and human and Andorian scientists, however they are not respectable to me. It does not bother me, but my acquaintances are beginning to notice. Work productively is down. I am – frustrated. I do not wish to worry Jim – he has much to focus on at this time. He does not suspect anything. I regret making him worry. I will not allow him to worry.

It will resolve. If not soon, then when they depart in August. It is such a short amount of time. I can endure.

Good day, Mrs. Kirk.

Spock out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow is June. WOW! This year has FLOWN by!


	152. Transmission 2262.152

**June 1 st, 2262**

“You need your rest.”

Yeah, yeah, I know. Physically exhausted and all that.

“You have been on your feet for over fifty-four hours and twelve minutes, and thirty-eight hours and thirty six minutes of that time was spent in Engineering. The last time you pushed yourself past your limit was –“

When you weren’t on the ship, Spock. You didn’t know. So your observations are off.

“I only wish to convince you that sleep is necessary to function in a human body.”

I am that human body. I – no, wait, nevermind. Can I just update my mom first? I‘m *yawn* fine. I already ate per Bones shoving health food in my face.

“A most apt solution to your inability to ingest sustenance when you are far more focused on other things.”

And a much apt observation, Spock. Go meditate and I’ll be right there and we can curl up in bed.

“You risk an eighty four point three percent chance of falling asleep at the terminal.”

Okay, that is a fucking high probability there, Spock. When was the last time I actually slept anywhere that wasn’t our bed?

“Last week. I found you-“

Oh fine. Except you were busy, so how can you fault me? If you aren’t there, the bed is too empty. I’m too used to you.

“As I have to you.”

I love you, Spock. I’ll be right in to snuggle, okay?

So I’ve been up for a few hours. And on my feet for longer than that. Comes with the job. No pressing matters. Spock’s still acting Captain for a bit. Bones is threatening forced medical leave for forty eight hours if I don’t sleep _now_. They are ganging up on me.

Engineering is a mess. We were trying to fix a conduit and well, something else blew and two Ensigns and one of my students got injured and Scotty knows we’re about to exit known space, so we’re trying to make do with repairs that will hold without the proper parts. We’ll be out of known space for over a month I’m sure. He’s not happy. We really only had a lay-over way back when I was suffering from my migraines, and Spock and I were struggling to complete basic Command work. Scotty might have been – accidentally overlooked.

Shit, I swear, I blame myself. Should have known better. Gotta do better. Always. Gotta do better.

And as much as I know Spock looks okay on the outside, something weird is transmitting through our bond. He’s not one to give off exuberant amounts of emotions – if any, for that matter, but in privacy he’s a little more lenient with me – and he is just exhibiting something _negative_. I need to bring it up tonight. *yawn* If I don’t fall asleep first. Shit.

But, anyway, I think it has to do with the Vulcan scientists. I mean, what else would it be? He’s already had trouble with them. They aren’t just going to stop. They probably don’t think they are doing anything wrong. Logic, my ass. I let Spock deal with them when they first came on board, allowing them to be more accustomed to someone of like species. The _Enterprise_ can be very overwhelming at first. I mean, I greeted them and such, but I’ve been handling my students and the acclimation of the new graduates from the Academy. And Spock is just far too quiet in general – something is up.

*yawn* Okay, first, sleep. Then tackle ship wide problems.

Or whatever. You know what I mean.


	153. Transmission 2262.153

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACHARY QUINTO!!!!!!!!!! He has been a perfect successor to Leonard Nimoy. 
> 
> LIVE LONG AND PROSPER ZACH!

**June 2 nd, 2262**

Mom, whatever you hear from here on out – just, listen to Spock. Don’t do anything irrational. And god, how much I love you. Don’t forget that, okay? Please don’t-

_Captain, they are hailing us._

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Spock, if you see this after the fact, I love you so much. I’m sorry. I am so sorry.

 _CAPTAIN_.

DAMN IT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: oops, how was that for cryptic? :P


	154. Transmission 2262.154

**June 3 rd, 2262**

“Jim, stop _moving_.”

Spock, tell him to leave me alone. I’m not speaking to him right now.

“It would be illogical to ignore your doctor, Captain.”

Are both of you turning on me now? Because fuck – OW! THAT HURT!

“If you actually stopped doing stupid, heroic stuff that ended you up in sickbay, then-“

I did not end up in Sickbay. I ended that shit peacefully as of – _four hours ago_.

“Because you managed to beam yourself back before you blew up their ship.”

I’m talented like that. Told you.

“You have nothing new to prove, Jim. I am more interested in the fact on how you thought this was even a reasonable idea in the first place, and especially without consulting me first. I am your _bond mate_.”

We have – some kinks to work out. I… I know.

Okay, Mom, to sum up what just happened: we just had a run in with the rumored species of the Ferengi. Uhura kicked ass with her ability to translate a foreign language in such quick time. And I’m fine. I might have blown up their ship after they demanded my presence – been there, done that, yadda yadda. No harm, no foul.

The _Enterprise_ got a little banged up. Again.

“Scotty is going to kill you when I release you from your quarters.”

Command is going to kill me first.

“I would rather you not die, Captain.”

I’d rather not experience that again either, I’m with you on that Spock. Let’s not repeat that experience, ever. At least, not within the next – fifty years. In any case, I have Command to deal with, a very _, very_ angry Chief of Engineering, and a broken ship. Again.

We are never going to get to explore properly, are we?

“The statistics almost claim that, Captain.”

“Statistics. God, you are insufferable, Commander.”

“We have been on our current mission for the past two point seven four years. There is sufficient data collected to examine and compile the appropriate statistics, Doctor.”

Okay, if this is a my-dick-is-bigger-than-your-dick conversation, I’m out. You two can argue outside in the hall or whatever. Command wants to chew my ass, I’m sure.

“I will be on the bridge, Captain.”

“I’ll be back in an hour to make sure you ate something.”

Good to know you both know your jobs. Love you Spock, love you mom, go be your own insufferable self, Bones.

Oh my life.


	155. Transmission 2262.155

**June 4 th, 2262**

Moving again. Barely, but moving. Command has decided to take this latest squabble as a sign – watch out for the Ferengi. Go figure. Watch out for _everyone_.

They are sending the _Arrand_ our way again, however it’ll be about ten days. We’ve progressed in our journey and of course they are going to be traveling a bit faster than us. Scotty could only get us moving at warp two. He won’t push it any further. I don’t blame him.

We’ve been so busy Spock and I have no time to sit down with each other and discuss the Vulcan scientists. We are only in the same vicinity except when we are either asleep or he’s forcing me to obey doctor’s orders. Bones is going to drive me _crazy_. At least he let me back on shift for a few hours a little bit ago. I’m not injured – I’m perfectly fine. Mostly still tired.

This is the strangest occurrence. It’s just – weird, ya know? But hey, welcome to space. I just hope the rest of the summer – ha, summer – is smooth. My students were very interested in the encounter, the Ensigns startled, and the Vulcans – unreadable as ever. Who would have guessed?

I am going to hunt Spock down. He should be off shift. Oh, I’ll go find him in the science labs. Perfect idea.

Later mom!


	156. Transmission 2262.156

**June 5 th, 2262**

I told him to tell me. And he _didn’t_.

He thinks he can _handle_ it, but he cannot. He’s still part human. He is allowed to have feelings. He is allowed to feel offended. They are insulting everything about him – his knowledge, his bravery, his position, _who he is_ ; heck, even his Vulcan heritage! With the Vulcan race in such low numbers – an almost extinct species – how the hell do they think they can get away with their actions? The surviving individuals within the race have to be careful and grow in their knowledge; rethink their ideals – even now, almost five years later. Everything is different. They are still growing as a race in the face of the destruction of their planet. And yet these students are not in awe of Spock; they continue to harbor prejudice against him and it is damaging.

Spock has been removed from shifts in the science labs until further notice. Sulu is an adequate replacement and is currently supervising. I have arranged a meeting later this afternoon to discuss with the Vulcans about proper professionalism on the _Enterprise_. Spock is avoiding me – sounds completely normal – and the conversation we are bound to have because I will have it with him. I attempted to talk to him after shift yesterday, but he came up with a million excuses and never came to bed. I gave him his space, but I know he held his private meditation on the observation deck when more than half of the crew was sleeping. My insomnia kicked in quite nicely.

Command hounding me on one side, Scotty yelling at me behind me, and problems with Spock and the Vulcans. I’m curious what next can go wrong prior to reaching our next destination. Apparently down time equals disaster time, because it’s all routine, and then it _isn’t_ routine any longer.

I believe everyone is acclimating well however. Down time helps bring the routine around for those who are unfamiliar. Haven’t had problems from the newest crew members and my students are excelling at learning plenty. Uhura has taken two of them under her wing and giving them some freedom that I obviously am going to encourage. As long as they keep up the good work.

Centering myself. It’s about to get crazy.

_Captain, T’Prol would like to speak with you. She is waiting in your ready room._

Thank you, Yeoman. I will be there shortly.

Never a dull moment.


	157. Transmission 2262.157

** June 6th, 2262 **

Okay, it is far too quiet in here. I wish Spock would - talk to me. He's been shielding. 

The Vulcans seemed almost insulted at my insistence that they give _everyone_ respect. But I believe they all agreed that productivity would fail if we didn't all work together. They were agreeable to the rules of the ship and that includes giving Spock the respect he deserves.

"Captain."

Spock. A nice surprise.

"You have broken my trust."

I - what?

"I can handle the Vulcan scientists, _Captain_. They were not an issue and not one I needed your assistance with. My trust in your ability to not meddle has decreased. I cannot trust you to allow me to handle my own issues. I am a grown Vulcan - I know how to handle the situation. 

*Jim stands up so he is facing Spock at full height*

They were being rude. While you may not believe that they were affecting you, they had no right to be disrespectful to you and as your _Captain_ AND your bondmate, I will not stand for you to be insulted like that. You do not need to be stoic, Spock. Not for me. 

"They were not disrespectful to me. I did not feel disrespected. You took it upon yourself to trouble yourself with something that is not yours to handle. We were working together successfully, regardless of any disrespect you felt was occurring."

Spock, this has nothing to do with me, and you know it. You brought it up that they were bothering you not that long ago. I wanted it to _stop_. Don't tell me they weren't affecting you. I've seen how you react. We've been around each other for over five years. And you don't like it - I know you don't. It is - ha, it is _illogical_ to act like this around me. Do it around everyone else, but you cannot fool me. You are bothered by their words, and you know it. So why are you mad with me?!

"You believe you are right, but you do not understand. You-"

Then why don't you talk to me? Or help me understand if that is how you feel? And don't give me the bullshit that you don't feel. We've gone over this. Spock-

*Spock grabs Kirk's shirt and shoves him against the outer bulkhead, pinning him to the wall of their shared quarters*

"You are illogical. You have no idea what is wrong or right. You assume and you insult me with _feelings_. You blindly ignore who I am and disrespect my heritage. You take me off my science rotation without discussing it with me. I _feel_ that you do not understand. You were brought back to life by unethical means and by all means should not be here right now. And yet you believe you understand who I am and how I _feel_. You have the audacity to believe that my relations with my comrades is illogical and disrespectful. But I know how to handle the situation, _Captain_. I do not need your worry or your protection. You know nothing, Captain. Leave my people alone."

Okay, Spock. I understand. I do. You can let me go now.

"I do not believe you do understand."

I'm - sorry. I won't - I will allow you to handle the science division as you were meant to. No harm, no foul.

Spock, can you - let me go?

*Spock releases his hold*

Thanks. Listen -

"We have nothing else to discuss. I do not wish you to involve yourself in my duties. You have, in your words, 'crossed the line.'"

Spock.

Spock, I'm -

Damn it.


	158. Transmission 2262.158

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *happy birthday Karl Urban!!!!*

** June 7th, 2262 **

This is miserable. 

*sigh*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stupid 12 hour shifts this weekend. I'm getting absolutely nothing done with writing or personally :(


	159. Transmission 2262.159

**June 8th, 2262**

Busy, busy, busy. Spock may be ignoring me and completely alienating me in every way possible - low blow to take, sadly - but things have picked up. Bones is inoculating every unsuspecting Ensign, Vulcan, student, and Engineering personnel for a nasty virus reportedly traveling the universe. He is in _rare_ form, not going to lie. He hasn't gotten to me yet. I secretly hope he stabs Spock with a vengeance.

That all aside, my students are thriving in their rotations and learning the flow pretty well. Cadet Lara and Cadet R'dland are at the top of the class. I think I'm not challenging them enough, and I'm the CAPTAIN and the GENIUS!!

The Vulcans are ignoring me. Just my luck, I think. Perfectly fine with me.

Wish Spock would actually take the time to talk with me reasonably . We barely talk on shift - and we need to discuss if we will be running any simulations and trial emergencies between now and reaching our destination. Guess it'll wait. Scotty is so involved with his work I can't get anyone to talk to to plan a date. Oh well, I will have I keep trying.

In other news, life is just - it sucks. Spock - come on. 

Heading back to the bridge. Gathering info on our destination. Hope it's AMAZING, MOM!!!


	160. Transmission 2262.160

**June 9 th, 2262**

I’m a mean teacher.

“He made us get physicals.”

“From Doctor McCoy.”

“And we had a test!”

Like I said, mean teacher.

“Stop coddling them, Jim.”

I am not coddling them.

“Actually, he’s preparing us for the worst. Isn’t that right, Captain?”

*Bones snorts* “Right.”

In all fairness, they have to be ready for anything. I’m thinking one of you lucky people will get to take my place for a shift if you all continue performing at the top of your game.

“Even someone who isn’t going into Command, Captain?”

Even someone who isn’t going into Command, Cadet.

“How will you choose?”

That’s a secret.

“What about Commander Spock? Is he okay with this?”

“That green-blooded hobgoblin who is having a marital tiff with said Captain?”

BONES!

“It’s TRUE!”

Guys, I’m working on it with Spock. We haven’t set a date for the exact training session. Hopefully soon – we are about to reach our next destination. Which means I want ALL of you to get out your PADDs and work on the assignment from this morning. It’s important you have all the facts. And if you need extra information, please see Commander Spock. He should be in Science Lab 1.

Good, that got them to calm down. Just another study session, like always.

“Except with a side of me.”

With a side of Bones.

“Seriously, do I need to talk to the hobgoblin or are you two going to make up? Because I can see it on your face, Jim. You aren’t handling this well.”

I’m fine, Bones. He’s mad, I get that. He’ll – well, he _has_ to get over it. I’m just giving him his space. He wants it. I understand.

“What did he say, anyway? You never exactly told me.”

Nothing. He just said he didn’t like me talking to the Vulcans. Never mind that I did it professionally. Whatever. It will all work out in the end, I promise.

“Your face says otherwise, Jim.”

My face lies. Don’t you have someone to inoculate now?

“Yes, you.”

HEY!

MOM, HELP!


	161. Transmission 2262.161

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess whose laptop died last night? Yup, mine. I did get a new one! But all my files are stuck, at the moment, on my old computer. Loki was good to me - Spock will be better :P Let's hope I get my files back, eek. Had all my plans for this story - and I don't have them anywhere else. Bad Danielle, BAD! Dropbox is useful for what then??
> 
> Anyway, I remember most of the plot. Enjoy today! I'm at a concert - hello One Republic, the Script, and American Authors :) !!!!!

**June 10th, 2262**

The situation between the crew of the _Enterprise_ and the Vulcan Science Academy students has been stable, however they have not changed their attitude, regardless of Captain Kirk's intervention. 

I regret continuing to find fault in his actions, but he does not understand. It is a very personal matter for me. I do not believe I have handled this with grace - however Jim has given me space. 

It is a very confusing matter. I was not offended by their words or actions - I am a Starfleet officer, held to the highest standards. They are our guests, and a part of my endangered species. It is not my place to be their mediator. 

I -

*Spock moans a low, agonizing groan of pain. His hands grab his head in pain, his breathing heavy*

No.

No.

*His hand slams into a nearby communication unit* Commander Spock to Dr. McCoy.

_Dr. M'Benga here. Dr. McCoy is off duty._

Get him, immediately. Send emergency personnel to Observation Deck E. I will meet you there. Captain Kirk has been stabbed.


	162. Transmission 2262.162

**June 11th, 2262**

"Spock, not now."

What is the Captain's status?

"Wait, why are you asking me?! You two share a mind!"

We share our minds, Doctor McCoy, as they are connected via a telepathic connection. I have described our bonding to you multiple times, yet you continue to ignore and illogically misinterpret what I have already told you. As it is, I am currently blocking-

"Fucking hell, Spock. Stop, stop doing this to him! Do you not see how much this is hurting him? Don't you see how much he NEEDS YOU?! He's been having a hard enough time as it is recently without your shitty excuse for a life partner or whatever you two WANT to call each other - but fucking hell, Spock. STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE AND UNBLOCK HIM AND GET IN THERE!"

His pain is too much for my mind to control. I am blocking it to keep such control, as I am currently Acting Captain. I desire a update, as yourself and Dr. M'Benga have been working diligently to save the Captain's life. I wish to be prepared with the facts prior to engaging in conversation with my bond mate.

"And now you admit that he's at least something to you. Because you haven't been acting like it. You know why he was in the Observation Deck alone? Because he didn't want to bother you while you were in your shared quarters. Because you two can't even be in the same ROOM anymore. God awful, that's what it is. Who stabbed him is a mystery and you better get to the fucking bottom of it before we reach our destination. As for my patient, he's just as big of an ass as before, but this time in extreme amounts of pain - oh, and dying because who or _whatever_ stabbed him lacerated his liver into oblivion. The pain is bad because I can hardly keep it under control. I give you permission to attempt to calm him down and shut him up with whatever means is necessary within reason. You _know_ what I mean."

A mind meld, Doctor.

"You've got your _facts_. Now go in there."

Do you have any solutions or medical interventions in place to heal him?

"Yeah, type-crossing every human on the _Enterprise_. He needs a transplant. In the mean time, I'm attempting to grow something organic for a short term means if we somehow fail to get anyone and have to get him back to Earth in a timely manner. If all else fails, his left lobe is still functioning at seventy five percent. His right is done for."

You brought him back from the dead, Leonard. I do not see you failing him any time soon.

"Don't get sappy on me, hobgoblin. Now, for the fucking _last time_ , go SEE HIM!"


	163. Transmission 2262.163

**June 12th, 2262**

He is _t'hy'la_. But it - hurts.

We are in no position to reconcile ourselves until he is out of danger. And that will not be today. The pain has dulled and he sleeps, but he is not healed. Not today. This - this, that is _us_ , is not a mistake. I cannot state that it wasn't in haste - he is a valiant Captain, lover, and hero. Jim is - magnificent. Beautiful. _Brilliant_. And I have tarnished him.

Someone on this ship stabbed him. I will find out who did it. There is no place in this _universe_ that an individual can escape punishment for this action. This heinous act.

I - I must return to him.

_Commander Spock, urgent transmission from Starfleet Command._

Thank you, Lieutenant Uhura. I will take it in the ready-room. Please inform Dr. McCoy that lock down is still in effect.

 _Yes, Commander_.


	164. Transmission 2262.164

**June 13th, 2262**

Don't look at me like that.

Come on, stop.

Mom, he's freaking me out.

"It's not fair!"

Chekov, wow, buddy. It's going to be okay - promise.

"You'll die and the ship won't function and-"

Wait, wait, the _Enterprise_ can and will do great under Spock's care. It wouldn't be the first time. Kind of like now, Pavel.

"But we have no leads. We have nothing."

Well, it had to be someone on this ship. I didn't exactly stab myself.

"I must continue searching. I must FIND THIS MURDERER!"

Um, Pavel - Pavel - CHEKOV.

I'M NOT DEAD!

Um... yet.

Shit.

BONES.


	165. Transmission 2262.165

**June 14th, 2262**

We never really got to talk about what happened back on Triceree.

"I never expected us to talk, Captain."

Kevin.

"Our shared experience can only make us better men. We are, are we not? The Vulcan language has a word for it. _Ka'iidth_. What is, is. We went to that planet to help, and we got through it. No need to rehash the past, of perhaps our misfortune. We survived both worlds, did we not?"

You almost _didn't_ survive Tarsus.

"If it hadn't been for you, no. You've risked your life for me multiple times in the short amount of time we've been in contact. Triceree was different."

I saw you - it can't have been easy down there.

"No. But I was reminded of my sister. You tried your best in both situations. Don't beat yourself up, Jim."

I just - I want to make sure you're okay. Just in case -

"Dying again is not an option, Captain. The rest of us are making sure of that. Dr. McCoy is relentlessly looking for a solution and I don't think I want to see Spock worn so thin again."

What?!

"He's grouchy with _everyone_. Trying to help him and Chekov get to the bottom of this, but fair warning, Spock's on a rampage again. I think he's cycling through what we humans would classify as the classic five stages of grief."

Oh god.

"Has he been in to see you? I know you two are-"

A little. I think he's only really here when I'm asleep. I think - we have a lot to talk about, and I can feel his anxiety through our bond. We just haven't had time. I'd go to him, but um - I'm a bit preoccupied right now.

"So far no leads. Chekov is hacking the sensor data from that night to see what other personnel or being was near that area at that time. You don't - you don't remember anything?"

Look at you, being an investigator. You always were good at protection. Dabbling between Engineering and Security - you've got talent, Kevin.

"You didn't answer my question."

I already answered it best I could yesterday. I'm amazed Spock hasn't looked through my mind yet. He's been - we both are emotionally distraught right now.

But listen. About Triceree -

"It was hard to be there, Captain, but it helped put a few demons to rest. It was better to give our aid then to stand by and watch the same situation unfold before our eyes, helpless. Tarsus was a traumatic event, but we survived. That's what counts."

Yeah.

"You look tired, Jim. I should let you get some sleep."

Hmm, yeah. Okay. Thanks for - for everything, Kevin.

"No dying."

I'll try.

Love you, mom.


	166. Transmission 2262.166

**June 15th, 2262**

Father's day. I never met dad... and Pike - Chris has been gone for a few years. Hard to imagine how much time has passed. I - I hope Spock's contacting his father, no matter how illogical it seems. These parent days can be very emotionally wearing on everyone who has lost a parent.

Miss you, mom.

In other news, Bones thinks he might be able to get me an artificial liver. It's been experimental on earth, but it seems promising. So far, no one on the _Enterprise_ can be a donor. I've got some function in - medical shit, sorry - in one of my lobes, because apparently the liver has two lobes! Fascinating, I'm sure. Like, two lungs and all that jazz. Wait, doesn't each lung have like, two, three lobes? Oh fuck, nevermind. Anyway, I'm also hooked up to a million IVs and my spleen is working overtime. The hypos are awful. Bones is _awful_.

I just want to teach my kids. I get very little in the amount of updates. I don't even know if we are anywhere near our destination. Gah. This is maddening.

"Captain."

Spock! Hi, hi, oh, um, don't mind - me. Just talking to my mom. Sit, please.

"Is your pain being managed acceptably?"

Kind of. Still hurts. Any news?

"Not at this time."

Do we have _anything_?

"Mr. Chekov continues to work diligently, however there has not been very many individuals to question at this time. Security is still present outside of Sickbay and all medical staff have been cleared about their whereabouts on the night of the attack."

Can we even assume it was someone on board?

"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Cryptic.

"We have not had much time to - discuss what is happening around the ship or between us. If it would be all right with you, I would like to express my heartfelt - anguish at the fact you should not have been in that observation room when you were and that this would not have happened had we not been in disagreement with each other."

Wow, Spock. Don't - don't blame yourself for this. Please. It isn't your fault.

"I pushed you away and was angry with you. Emotion is illogical, but I will be upfront with the fact I have had my fair share of illogical emotions towards you since we first met. You are injured, and _I cannot lose you_."

Hey, look at me. *Jim places an affectionate hand on Spock's cheek.* It's going to be okay. No matter what happens. We've had our fair share of problems and arguments. Just another bump in the road. But it's important that we talk - I'm guilty of being quiet just as much as you are. We're going to be okay.

"I have harmed you."

Disappointed me. That's not the same. You're still my First Officer. You're still my bond mate, the love of my life. We are _t'hy'la_. Don't be - don't be _illogically_ afraid to discuss what we are. I can tell my interference with your own problems is not acceptable. Just tell me when you want me to step in or not step in. On that condition, I am also _Captain_. It is my duty to make sure this ship runs smoothly and all disputes and disagreements are resolved without complication. It isn't healthy to allow visitors to trample all over who you are, Spock. I won't allow it. The Vulcans will respect you just like every single other individual will respect you. Disrespect is not acceptable.

"As I have made the mistake of keeping this from you, may I - may we meld so I may show you something?"

Of course.


	167. Transmission 2262.167

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy do I get sidetracked in this story fast.....

**June 16 th, 2262:**

This is a lot more difficult to put into words than I thought it was going to be. It’s just past two in the morning, Bones is off shift, my hopefully-new-acceptable liver is growing and should be ready in a day or two – welcome to massive surgery headed my way! And Spock – he…

Well, at least we aren’t keeping things from us anymore. I know it had to be hard, taking insults and jibes from those who share your blood, even as Vulcans. And then to be rejected by humans alike – he doesn’t fit in anywhere, or at least that’s what he thinks. But he fits in with me _perfectly_. And I love him for that. His childhood wasn’t easy, and now, to be experiencing the same thing, he just –

I just want to help. That’s all.

“You should be resting.”

Just thinking out loud. I’m not all that tired.

“Is your pain level acceptable?”

No, but I’m fine, Spock. Promise.

“As you requested to be updated, we are two point five hours away from reaching M3728. Lieutenant Sulu will begin advanced scanning to begin our search for life forms, planet life, and specialized minerals and elements. Information gathered by the previous expedition, your mother’s party, states that there are six planets and ten planetoids. Classification is also required from us.”

Thank you for the update, Spock.

“It is far too early for you to be awake.”

Oh, now you get to manage my sleep habits? It’s just – insomnia, Spock. Had it for years.

“You need adequate sleep. Doctor McCoy expects to perform the transplant within the next twenty four to forty eight hours.”

I know, he told me. Any further news?

“Life signs have yet to be detected from that time. It would seem –“

We have a ghost in our midst. Damn.

“While not the right word I would use, the metaphor is appropriate.”

No other attempts on my life?

“No, Jim.”

Good. *Jim yawns*

“I will leave you to your rest.”

Spock, wait. Stay. Would you?

“Yes.”


	168. Transmission 2262.168

**June 17 th, 2262**

Doctor McCoy deemed the organically grown liver to be sufficient and Jim is currently in surgery. He requested I keep you updated.

So far – no news.

I believe in human vernacular, that means ‘good’.

As we have reached M3728, the science division is working diligently on scans and advanced data collection on the first planet we have come to within the system, and hope to beam down planet side within the next two days. It is a Class M planet with flourishing flora and fauna. I believe it will be a wealth of knowledge for us in the science division.

I realize Jim has likely told you much of what has been occurring between myself and the Vulcan Science Academy students. I do not harbor regret or dismay against them. Those fully Vulcan have made it known that my half-breed status is below them and a nuisance to their own genes. However, the backlash has seemed less since proving my worth within Starfleet, gaining the respect of my father after my mother’s untimely death, and the fact there are so few Vulcans left in the universe as it is. I interact very little with the Vulcans at this time, as my junior officers and scientist have taken to guiding the Vulcans in their work, and I oversee Jim’s health, the Acting Captain position at this time, and the bridge.

_Spock, Doctor McCoy would like to speak with you._

Thank you, Ms. Yin. I will be right there.


	169. Transmission 2262.169

**June 18 th, 2262**

New liver.

Ugh, okay, I wanted to talk, but I’m too tired. Drugs – drugs are good.

“Get some sleep, dumb ass.”

That’s Captain dumb ass, Bones.

“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a week I'll be in San Francisco. What wonders never cease!


	170. Transmission 2262.170

**June 19 th, 2262**

See what he looks like, Winona? Death warmed over.

“Ouch, ow! Don’t – Bones, stop – stop pushing there!”

This is what I get for saving his life – again. And what do I get? Ungrateful whining.

“It HURTS.”

“Doctor, I believe the patient is allowed to express their discomfort, considering that you are palpating a rather uncomfortable spot on his newly transplanted liver.”

Thank you, Spock, I appreciate your clinical eye. However, my scans are showing variable anomalies, and I prefer to investigate manually. This is necessary.

“You could have medicated me first!”

Jim, all you do is bitch.

“Tr- OW! STOP!”

Okay, I’m starting a round of non-intrusive antibiotics for three days. Which means –

“I’m not leaving any time soon.”

Nope. I’m keeping you in this sterile environment for a few more days. The anti-rejection medications are working. No signs of rejection, just some possible wearing on newly grown pieces of organ I just placed _in your body_.

“You suck.”

So I’ve been told. Spock, visiting hours are over. My patient needs rest.

“I LOVE YOU TOO!”

“I will be back in the morning, Jim.”

Nurse Chapel will be on night shift and will watch your vitals. Be good.

“Don’t forget to bring me another PADD. You broke my last one.”

You threw it at the wall, Jim. You broke it.

“I hate you.”

Night, Jim.


	171. Transmission 2262.171

**June 20 th, 2262**

Jim is resting at this time, the antibiotics continuing to do their work. There have been recent developments in finding his attacker. Mr. Chekov has found a life signature out of place on the night of the attack, as the young Ensign decided to do a full ship wide search not limited to the Observation deck.

The search continues.

In the meantime, the crew continues to work admirably as we scan the current system. Samples will be collected within the next few days. As it is, we seem to lack our Captain when we are ready to take a landing party down, and we are delaying any planet side exploration until Captain Kirk is back on rotation. Doctor McCoy believes it will only be a few more days at Jim’s rate of stubbornness and healing. As terran’s say, time will only tell.

_Commander Spock?_

Yes, Ensign Chekov.

_I have narrowed down the life signature. I believe you should come to computer station five on deck C._

Do you have a name, Mr. Chekov?

_No, Commander. But I have the faint image of a life form from that night, and a distinct pattern. It is – it’s not what you would think, Commander._

What is it, Mr. Chekov?

_It’s a Vulcan, sir._


	172. Transmission 2262.172

**June 21 st, 2262**

A VULCAN?!

What?!

“Jim, hold on a second, we don’t know for sure-“

“The signature was accurate, Doctor. A Vulcan was around those parts at the time of the attack.”

I just – fuck. I let them on my ship out of respect to their learning, Spock, and one of them might have stabbed me? They were aiming for me to die, I know it.

“They have not attempted any further attacks, Captain, I assure you-“

No, you don’t know that, Spock. They could just be waiting for me to get out of sickbay, healed and whole, and strike again. I – I want them confined to quarters until Chekov can determine further evidence.

“Do you ask the same of myself, Captain?”

Spock –

“You were the one who paged M’Benga, Spock. Pretty sure we can rule you out of the suspects on this ship, even if you are Vulcan.”

What he said. Pretty sure we were having a major hissy fit at the time of my attack, and we weren’t anywhere near each other. But we have to get to the bottom of this, and I can’t fail to lose the possible culprit.

“Per Vulcan law and the Federation, we should alert Ambassador Sarek and the Vulcan High Council.”

I leave you to it, Spock. Except we don’t know who did it yet.

“We have reasonable cause to believe, via undeniable proof, that a Vulcan is implicated in the crime. We will need their assistance as it is.”

And what about our mission, exploring this new system? About finishing out the summer with our visitors?

“As terran’s say, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.”

I don’t like this. I – I respect who you are, Spock, but they are visitors, students, _respectable_ individuals on my ship who possibly attacked me.

“It does not settle well with me either, Jim. I wish to feel anger at someone of my own kind inflicting violence – especially against my _bond mate_.”

I love you, Spock.

“And I you, t’hy’la.”


	173. Transmission 2262.173

**June 22 nd, 2262**

Side effects from the antibiotics include nausea, occasional vomiting, diarrhea, stomach upset, headaches, and rash. It’s rough going, to be honest. Jim’s toughing it out. I want to let him out of sickbay, but I have to be sure he’s going to take care of himself.

And we have to find his attacker. I’m amazed we’ve had very little leads with all the time that has passed. We know it’s a Vulcan, but they aren’t saying a _thing_. Go figures. They don’t lie, but when it comes to one of their own committing a crime, they shut up.

Jim convinced Spock to finally let a landing party go down. The Academy students were going stir crazy. Spock’s leading them in an exploration type simulation down on the planet. Class M, stable, relatively familiar plants. No animals. I was down there for a few minutes before I got called back to the ship.

Just another day on the _Enterprise_.

Now if we just had more information on _why_ someone wanted to kill Jim. I can’t believe idiots on this ship think they can get away with it, let alone attempt it. He’s a fucking brilliant Captain and a good person. I see no reason for anyone to harbor any ill feelings toward him, and if they did, they’d handle it _respectfully_. Not by _stabbing_ him.

Green-blooded hobgoblins suck.

This is maddening. And as much as Jim doesn’t want to talk about it, he probably feels the same. We _will_ catch the bastard who did this. They are on this ship. They _cannot hide._


	174. Transmission 2262.174

**June 23rd, 2262:**

Bones says I can get out of here tomorrow. He better fucking stick to that schedule, because I need to get back to captaining my crew. I'm going crazy! My students are going crazy, my bridge crew are going crazy, and we have planets to explore. I'm done getting hurt and ending up in distress all the time. Isn't it someone ELSE'S TURN?!!!

Just frustrated. I just want to do what I am good at - and it isn't sitting around in a sterile room.

I'm going back to reading the daily reports.

Later, mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow I shall be writing from my phone in San Francisco :D


	175. Transmission 2262.175

** June 24th, 2262 **

We found dilithium on an adjacent planet in this system. Engineering is ecstatic - Command will have a field day. That was - easy.

"Captain!"

"Captain Kirk!"

Cadet Lara, Cadet Jones. 

"Commander Spock is with security on Deck G. They had a lead on your attacker and-"

"It _was_ a Vulcan, sir!"

"Jim!"

Bones! I just heard the good news.

"Excuse me, what are these two doing in here?"

Bones, it's fine.

"We were just leaving, Doctor McCoy. No harm, no foul."

"Stupid cadets."

Bones! Come on, we were them not too long ago. You really can't insult my students. On a side note, am I getting out of here today?

"Spock's wrangling in your attacker. Vulcan academy student. Gonna be a fun interrogation."

Is Riley in on it?

"Yes."

I expect answers.

"Oh they are on it."

Now, about getting out -

"Suck it up, Princess. I'm holding you one more day until I'm sure that liver will hold for you."

Bones.

"Not kidding. The enzymes are still a little high. Give it another 24 hours. Not to mention, I want to make sure that bastard gets in the brig before I let you out."

They haven't made a second attempt on my life.

"I'm sure it wasn't for a lack of trying, Jim."

*Jim rolls his eyes as Bones leaves.*

Riiiight. Good to know that my attacker is under Spock's watchful eye.

I should contact Command. It wouldn't hurt to do something productive. I'm fully functional at this point.

"JIM, WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!"

*giggles are heard*


	176. Transmission 2262.176

** June 25th, 2262 **

I love Spock, I do. He handles being Acting Captain perfectly. He's Vulcan. But he terrified my students and I have to really get back into the swing of things, regardless of Bones' restrictions on me now that I've been released from Sickbay.

And my attacker, seeing as that is just a whole other crop of problems. I'll get to that later.

Love you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Star Trek vibes in San Francisco. Even though I would say Alcatraz takes the cake ;) kidding. It is a lot of fun here, on my own :)


	177. Transmission 2262.177

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Pride weekend in San Francisco. Seriously, feeling waaaayyy too excited, even if I head home tomorrow. All the rainbows are making me squee. Why didn't I plan for over the weekend?! *cries*
> 
> Oh, and tomorrow I will have a much better edition when I get home :)

** June 26th, 2262 **

"It is prudent that we do this investigation by following the rules, Captain."

I realize that, Spock. And we are. What did the Vulcan Council say when you told them one of their students attacked a Starfleet officer as a guest on his ship? Command is having a field day with the attempt on my life and the dilithium we found. I mean, wow, talk about double duty! Barnett is going to KILL ME.

"Your use of hyperbole is inappropriate, Jim. I almost lost you - again."

I love you, Spock. And I am still here. So, let's just take this one day at a time, okay? One thing at a time. Talk to me about the dilithium first. Let's ignore the trial about to be hanging over our heads and focus on the good information first.

"I do not understand how it is-"

Oh Spock.


	178. Transmission 2262.178

**June 27th, 2262**

What am I supposed to do with Spock if we keep running into these situations?! I don't get it, mom. It is frustrating.

So -

Okay, it is a really long story, and unfortunately, I need to get to Communications. We have made First Contact with a new species and Uhura needs all the help she can get. My diplomacy is about to be fine tuned. Especially when this was unexpected. We just found the dilithium on a deserted planet and we run into a whole new species on another world. Everyone is working double time. Bones is worried I'll over-do it so soon after being released, but he's going to worry regardless of what time of fucking year it is. I survived my birthday, a few rough spots, and a liver laceration and transplant. Oh, and I've been brought back from the dead. I'd say I'm doing GREAT!

Spock says otherwise. Bones says otherwise. In fact, pretty sure my whole senior crew says otherwise. Really? I feel like I'm being ganged up on.

*Jim takes a deep breath.*

What is going on is that the new species are also telepathic. And Spock is highly troubled by their telepathy. Just in the short time we have been around them in this new system, they have -

_Captain, T'Prol would like to speak with you._

Then I assume the Vulcan Council is awaiting our transmission pick up?

_Yes, Captain. And they do not look pleased._

Ah, that would just be their aura of sophistication.

_Captain?_

It's how they look all the time, Ensign Jacobs. Spock is a bit more - he's different, honestly. 

_As you say, Captain_.

Please send T'Prol in, Ensign. I'd like to get this out of the way prior to heading back to the bridge.

_Sending her in._

About to discuss our Vulcan prisoner. I'll have to explain both situations more later. Love you!

"Captain Kirk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And back home. Time to get this mess of an arc cleaned up. Only got about a month and a half to be productive before my next big arc. Yes, I have that one planned out. I know I have also at least one other big arc idea, but... now I can't remember what I wrote down and what was in my head. Losing my sticky notes also didn't help. ANYWAY - it's gonna be awesome :D


	179. Transmission 2262.179

**June 28 th, 2262**

“He hacked it, Captain.”

I get that, Chekov, I do. Really, someone is going to have to explain how we let visitors have complete access to the network. I realize they are our guests and they are here for scientific study, but going in and changing deliberate ship data seems like an extreme extent to go, especially when he never tried an attempt on my life again, and he won’t even talk about the thought process that went into stabbing me in the first place.

“It would seem he possibly was not very bright–“

“The Vulcan species are highly intelligent and knowledgeable, Captain, Ensign. With that understood, we will need to talk to Stobel prior to making a formal charge. The Federation High Council will also wish be involved. It is not every day a Vulcan commits a crime of this extent, if ever. Admiral Barnett, I presume, has already discussed with you arrangements on transporting him back to New Vulcan?”

Chekov knows what he is talking about, Ambassador. And at this time, we do not have the means of transportation because of our current mission parameters. We are scheduled to return to that area of space within the next six to eight weeks. Command has already discussed with me extensive measures to hold Stobel in the brig until we can safely transport him. As the duration is not relatively short, much of the proceedings will be handled via transmissions and conferences at appropriate times. We will not harm Stobel. Starfleet regulations are clear on the handling and care of all prisoners, Ambassador.

“He is Vulcan, and it is expected that we expedite these proceedings. We will need a Vulcan healer and a Vulcan lawyer involved physically and not via com lines. A mind-meld needs to be performed at once.”

It really isn’t going to happen that way, Sarek. As much as I’ve read about the limited knowledge there is on Vulcan customs in conjuncture with Vulcan crimes, I’m holding off on the fact you all just want to dig inside his head posthaste. It’s a bit disconcerting. Plus, we’re in deep space right now, Ambassador. Unless you want to send a transport this way, it’ll still take at least three and a half weeks at Warp 3, at best Warp 4, which is the fastest those little transports will go, and the _Enterprise_ got here in just over two weeks at warp 7. Go ahead, do what you want, I’m not bothered. I’m alive thanks to my crew and we hopefully caught the culprit who did this to me. Now, unless you have more bickering to do, I need to get back to handling another current crisis at hand.

“You are stubborn, Captain Kirk. Your humanity shows through brightly. I will discuss with Admiral Barnett and the Vulcan Council about what they choose to do. We do not take lightly to one of our being accused of attempted murder.”

I’m great, thanks for asking. And no one likes to think one of their own can murder or even attempt it, but come on, this can’t be the first time.

“Thank you for your time, Captain. May you live long and prosper.”

Peace and long life, Ambassador.

“Captain, may I speak off the record?”

I welcome it, Pavel.

“He is what we would call an ass, yes?”

*Jim laughs* That is my father-in-law you happen to be calling an ass. He’s not always difficult. This situation is just very difficult to handle so many light years away and the Vulcans want to make sure it is handled efficiently and quickly. It’s already catching on the news waves. God, the headlines have been awful.

“Do you think he did it?”

We’ve seen the evidence, heard him talk. I’d say we probably aren’t wrong. If anything, someone on this ship attempted to murder me, and that doesn’t settle well with me. I’d like to know when someone doesn’t like me. I like to think most people can work with me. Spock certainly does.

“He did try to choke you that one time.”

I try to forget that. He is my bond mate. Who happens to be looking for me right now. We gotta go handle the Tobirans. Telepathy is just – Chekov, it can be used for good and be used for bad. Vulcans don’t abuse their telepathy. Tobirans –

“Abuse it.”

Yeah. Skedaddle now, I’ll see you at dinner.

“Of course, Captain!”

Maddening. It’s all maddening.

And good lord, Spock is on a man hunt. I gotta go. Bye mom!


	180. Transmission 2262.180

**June 29 th, 2262**

Oh, oh, what is this? Are you – awww, another message to your mom. What number is this, Jim? The billionth transmission to her?

“I’m always sending them off in batches. We’ve received very limited contact from Mrs. Kirk, but I know they are getting to her at one point. And it does _feel_ like a billion.”

It’s adorable, really.

“Okay, come on, Carol, Uhura. Can I eat in peace and update my mom now? And I do one a day. It hasn’t been that many.”

“I’ve kept a rough count of around 170, maybe a few more.”

“You make it sound like that’s a lot. Come on, Carol, can I have my PADD back?”

No, hold on, I want to – ah, there we go. Hi Ma’am, Lieutenant Carol Wallace here, science officer and weapons specialist. Jim doesn’t really let me play with huge explosives often. I mostly dabble under Spock’s critical eye and babysit Vulcans. Apparently criminals too. It’s been pretty active around here lately, seeing as we’ve found some dilithium for Command to go crazy about, a telepathically abusing culture, and attempted murders. Never a dull moment on the _Enterprise_.

“You got that right, Carol. And how is the investigation going, Captain? I’ve been contacting New Vulcan and Earth at rapid rates as of recently.”

“It’s all fine, Lieutenant. All is being sorted out. Your hard work is appreciated.”

“Thank you. And all is happy in married land?”

Have you seen them on the bridge? All goo-goo eyes and hyped professionalism hiding sexual innuendos.

“HEY! I am not like that on the bridge! I’m professional, but I do not do goo-goo eyes at my First Officer. What we do behind closed doors is none of your business.”

“It’s hard to hide a relationship, Jim.”

“Okay, I want my PADD back.”

_Captain Kirk to the bridge. Captain Kirk to the bridge._

“That would be my cue to leave.”

Bye, Mrs. Kirk!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *it's almost July. Wow man! ALSO, 180 DAYS INTO THIS PROJECT. SO COOL!!*
> 
> PS: this is kind of how I imagine Carol and Uhura together - laughing and joking. Plus, when they aren't on duty, they tease Kirk endlessly. On duty, the highest respect. They gotta have fun in between all the seriousness. Plus, headcanon, Kirk and Uhura are besties. And Carol and Uhura are besties. And Carol and Bones are a thing, BUT... I've never hinted to that in this fanfic and probably never will (it is more Kirk/Spock centric anyway), but headcanon, they are adorable together.


	181. Transmission 2262.181

**June 30 th, 2262**

Ethical quandaries is probably the appropriate way to describe the Tobirans and their telepathy. To Spock, it is seen as an outrage – a completely immoral way of abusing their telepathy. Unlike Vulcans, who are touch telepaths, and Betazoids, who are empathetic in their ways, usually, along with control of their telepathy, the Tobirans are nothing if not cruel. While the Tobirans have not attacked Spock or any other life form on the _Enterprise_ , they control the lesser of their species on their home planet Biranibus via telepathic abuse. Morality is a pretty big question, especially when it comes to Spock. He sees telepathy as a gift, as something that is to be controlled and used within the governing laws of the species and telepathic morality. The Tobirans do not have any laws in regards to their telepathy. They deliberately torture and influence those in the lower social classes.

Obedience is crucial. And yet, those who do not have the social status or money or hold political power are powerless to fight those who control everyone below them. The abuse of the telepathy is highly disconcerting.

At this time, Mr. Scott, Mr. Sulu, and Spock are on the planet with two of my students and two of the Vulcan students, discussing how the government works. Spock feels very high strung, to so boldly put it, about the current situation on the planet. They are a meager warp-capable planet with over three billion inhabitants. There is much to learn. They seem to find our inquiries about their telepathy and laws intrusive and guard many answers. I believe we may have offended them, even though we have yet to be told off, so to speak.

I am currently monitoring transmissions with Command in regards to the dilithium that was been found. They are sending out Federation officials and a mining team to get to work as soon as possible. All our data is being collected as quickly as possible.

Not much else going on. Spock’s got a lot going on up in that head of his, and every night before bed, I attempt to get him to talk about it. He prefers to meditate, which I understand is his way and obviously I’m not telepathic – but I do have him in my head for goodness sakes. I’m just trying to help him talk it through. I don’t agree with them anymore than he does, but I am here if he needs me.

It’s been an interesting few weeks.

I should get some rest. My right side is killing me.

Kirk out.


	182. Transmission 2262.182

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halfway through the year. CRAZY!

**July 1 st, 2262**

Maybe it’s time to up the difficulty of the classwork my students are finding completely unchallenging because they all seem to be getting perfect grades on everything.

“Please don’t, Captain. Advanced Warp Physics is like reading Klingon to me.”

“Anyone want to get Chekov in on this deal? He’s brilliant.”

“Excuse me, Klingon is easy. It’s Xindi-Aquatic that is difficult.”

“I for one find this all fascinating. Keep talking, Captain Kirk.”

You always find this fascinating, Teresa. Meanwhile, you all should be working on your summer papers so I can figure out how to challenge you all. We need a good – mission. A fit. Romulans, Klingons, an Andorian or two!

“The Tobirans pretty much fit that bill, Captain. Their ethics is fascinating, considering how different it is from our own. And how accepting they are of their use of telepathy to control those below the upper class. We believe they are wrong, but they don’t see it that way. We can’t just change their minds.”

No, no, we can’t. It’s something I have attempted to speak to Commander Spock about, but… as the majority on this ship are human, we don’t have a complete grasp on what it means to have telepathic abilities, whether like those of Vulcans, Betazoids, or the Tobirans. Within the group of telepathic species, each handle their unique telepathy differently. It doesn’t mean it is easy understanding how each species uses their telepathy. The Tobirans have no laws governing their use of telepathy and are free to do as they please, even if it is detrimental to those in the lower classes. Spock comes from a species that has rigid laws about telepathy, which in turn equates to the safety of telepathic use and transfers of information. It can be abused rather easily without such laws. As outsiders on Biranibus, we don’t have a complete understanding of their ways or even their telepathic abilities. We can’t judge, no matter how our morality tells us it is wrong.

“And yet they haven’t attempted to use their telepathy against us. Do we know why?”

Tradus, the council member most involved in our mutual exchange of information, wouldn’t really explain. They may possibly think we are superior to them, but we are non-telepathic and, in the majority of human cases, psi-null.

“Except you.”

That I couldn’t explain to you. Ask Spock.

“Is it weird having him in your head?”

Not really, no. It makes sex that much more exciting *groans are heard from around the room* – oh come on, you _asked_. But, no, it isn’t weird. It’s – it is a physical reminder that we’re together. Not just First Officer and Captain, but t’hy’la – friend, brother, lover.

“Your whole crew is just so fascinating, Captain Kirk.”

We work well together. Which reminds me – that’s exactly what we’re going to do. Training exercise in the gym in ten minutes. Should have done this at the first of the summer, but now that we have time – GET MOVING!

*A chorus of -* “YES, SIR!”

I’m going to need Sulu. And Scotty. And Bones – no, no, not Bones. He’d kill me for even thinking this up.

Well, gotta go whip those crazy young ones into acceptable officers. Later mom!


	183. Transmission 2262.183

**July 2 nd, 2262**

He’s kind of adorable when he wants to be.

“I do not believe I am ‘adorable’, Jim. ‘Adorable’ would surmise that I am-”

You’re adorable. Enough said. Ah, see what I mean?! You, doing THAT through our link.

Now, sit down. I want to ask you something.

“And then I may meditate?”

By all means, Spock. But we need to talk about the Tobirans.

“There is nothing to discuss, Jim.”

I don’t think you’re handling them well. You’re cordial, you’re professional, but I see how your eyebrows move, how you thoughts are reflected. Don’t forget that I am a part of you – yes, _that_.

“We will be leaving this planet in forty three earth hours, Captain. There is no need to arouse the fact that their use of telepathy is alarming.”

Spock, tell me how you _really_ feel.

“Jim, I-“

You _feel_. We’ve gone over this. Really, tell me. Or better yet, _show_ me. We haven’t melded in over a week. Your meditation is average at best, and you’ve actually taken to breaking plates in the mess hall. You are disturbed, and we need to talk about it. Not tomorrow, not after we leave, _now_.

“They – they find nothing wrong with the system they live in. They willingly allow themselves to be subjected to other peoples thoughts and actions without so much as raising a finger in protest. People die and fight and do crimes that the upper social class – detestable political figures and the wealthy – never get caught for committing. It’s worse than what Earth was in its economical downfall. I do not understand how such an intelligent species can live in this way. It is not like pre-Surak days. This is much – worse. There is little order except to keep the lower class in poverty and keep the upper class in reigning control. I am unsettled by their deliberate misuse of their telepathy in this way.”

It’s not easy attempting to understand another individual’s way of life. Have they – harmed you, Spock?

“I have felt their presence at times, but I have been using considerable strength in keeping my shields up at all times while on the planet. I have been unaffected by the wandering thoughts and emotions from their free telepathic enterprise. While I am a touch telepath, their free range in telepathic consciousness is very loud. Almost like you were prior to our bonding. Veritus did enquire into my telepathic ability, but I was not harmed.”

Good. I don’t – I don’t want you to feel threatened. I know it’s a troublesome ethical quandary, Spock, but we have to remember that we aren’t them. We have our rules, both as members of the Federation, as a human, and as a Vulcan. We stand by our ethics and laws, and they stand by theirs. I don’t see us joining forces with them any time soon. As much as we would like to stop their telepathic abuse, it isn’t in our right to change their thinking or even our decision to choose if they are ethically right or not. We’re explorers. This isn’t even the first time this has happened – but I can see it’s not an easy thought process for you. And that’s okay. It doesn’t have to be.

“Their logic continues to – dumbfound me.”

Only you would say that kind of thing, Spock. But, seriously, it’s okay to be confused and even to have strong feelings about the current situation at hand. We may not be able to do anything about it, but you are allowed to feel strongly about disagreeing with them. And no matter what, you can do that around me any time. I’m your t’hy’la.

“An apt description of what we are, ashayam.”

Go meditate. It’ll do you some good.

He’s trying, I can tell. Ah, what do I do with him? I have no idea.


	184. Transmission 2262.184

**July 3rd, 2262**

A lot seems to be going on lately, and I've mostly been pretty discrete on what I talk about. I felt the need today to report some happy news: Chekov and Sulu are-

"Random check-up!"

Bones, you said that far to gleefully.

"Stay still, I want a good reading. Hmm, lift up your right arm."

Why?

"So I can scan your liver, idiot."

Fine.

Am I good to beam down to the planet in thirty minutes?

"Hold on, still getting data. Ah, I don't like that scan. I want to check out your liver panels. I'll need you to come to Sickbay to get some blood drawn. Any pain? Feeling sick? Decreased libido? Poop an odd color? Regular bowel movements? Skin translucent? Yellow halos in your vision? Nausea? Vomiting?"

MOM, YOU DIDNT HEAR ANY OF THAT! Oh my god, Bones, no - no, no, and _no_. I'm _fine_.

"Really?"

Um, yeah. Maybe a little bit of pain...

"Shit, Jim, this is serious. You gotta tell me when something isn't right. Pain could be the first sign of rejection. At least you don't have yellowing of your skin or eyes. I just need to make sure you don't go into liver failure. If that happens, we'll be on a one way transport back to Earth. I need to make sure your levels are stabilizing."

Will I ever _not_ be your pin cushion?

"Well, you were stabbed a few weeks ago and if you didn't have a liver - you'd be dead."

Nicely put, Leonard.

"Sickbay, now, and if your good, you'll get to go to the planet for farewells. But you gotta be cooperative."

I'm the Captain! God, you sure know how to run a good day.

"Sickbay, _now_."

Yeah, yeah. I'm going. Sorry, mom, don't want to die again or anything.

"I HEARD THAT!"

*Jim snickers as he quits the transmission*


	185. Transmission 2262.185

**July 4 th, 2262**

Yes, Admiral Barnett. No, Admiral Barnett. However I may please you, Admiral.

Even if it happens to be completely unethical, immoral, and fucking out of my current capacity while exploring DEEP SPACE!

And I think I’m completely _done_ playing with Command at this point on this subject.

Apparently I get to ship Stobel, our resident Vulcan prisoner, back on an emergent transport back to New Vulcan. Who is exactly going to be flying this transport is still up for debate. Admiral Barnett wants myself and Lieutenant Hendorff and two other security personnel to be on that metaphorical transport as of – twenty minutes ago. He attacked _me_ , and so far has been a model prisoner in the brig. They can wait until we’re back in that area within the next six weeks. Because there is NO way I’m heading that way while my ship is in unknown territory with telepathic beings who are unethical as it is and any range of WHO KNOWS WHAT out there.

Fat _chance_ I’m leaving my ship, _Admiral_.

And now Spock wants to know what is going on. I wish I knew, t’hy’la, I wish I _knew_.

I have to get back to Engineering. Scotty wants some help tweaking the power system while the science team delves into the nearest Class L planet and two nearby planetoids. Get my students and the Vulcan science students some room to stretch their knowledge. Spock’s overseeing it.

Now just to handle this bump in the road and attempt not being dragged back to Earth by my ears. That is an _awful_ image.


	186. Transmission 2262.186

**July 5 th, 2262**

Mom, this isn’t working.

“Jim, I never expected you to learn this technique on your first try. It is difficult for Vulcans to master, do not fault yourself for struggling as a human.”

But it’s bugging me that I can’t even grasp it. I’ve always been able to grasp everything quickly, and I can’t even _grasp_ this technique.

“Patience and practice. You need your rest, however, and my father has been requesting to speak with me. I will be back in five point six minutes.”

I find it scarily adorable that he knows how long he’ll be away, even though he knows I won’t be asleep yet. He was trying to teach me some advanced meditation techniques because of all the current stress from Command and my shields have been faltering. Not that I don’t care if he’s reading my thoughts or anything, we’ve got everything pretty much out in the open – there is nothing new to learn about me – but he wants to make sure I can learn control during the most critical of times. And that is when the stress would be high. What’s funny is that I can handle stress – cool and calm on the bridge and as Captain to my crew, but apparently having a bond is completely different.

Welcome to Bonding 101!

Maybe when we’re at New Vulcan next, which should be when we drop off the students and Stobel – if Command will agree to let me stay on MY SHIP – I’ll download some more Vulcan information onto the ship’s computer. Learn in my spare time.

“Ashayam, you’re not resting.”

I was waiting for you. Five minutes is nothing.

“You are still fussing about your current predicament.”

I am – WAIT, WHAT?! FUSSING?! SPOCK. COME ON! That is _not_ what I’m doing.

“On the contrary, Jim, I can feel it.”

You know I’m not _fussing_. Just – disappointed in myself. Totally different emotions. Can you _pretty_ please get into bed and forget I _fussed_ about meditation?

“For you, I would do anything.”

Dedication. Hmmm, just let me snuggle up right here.


	187. Transmission 2262.187

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have now pulled an all nighter at work (I basically worked a 16 hour shift, and our shifts are 8 hours long...), have gotten about five-ish hours of sleep, get to go back to work this evening to hopefully get out on time so I can go back to work 8 hours after that for a Monday day shift (which is hell of its own making because MONDAY). It's the WEEKEND FROM HELL!! *sigh* At least I get 17 minutes of Guardians of the Galaxy to look forward to Monday evening, and then 3 days off work.
> 
> In the mean time, forgive me for an extremely short and totally ominous chapter.

**July 6 th, 2262**

I’m going to murder Bones with my glare. If and when he gets back in here. He PUT ME BACK IN ISOLATION! WHAT THE HECK?! He didn't even explain, just dragged me out of my quarters after Spock had left to get an update on the Vulcan scientists prior to shift and Bones all but demands my 'complete cooperation'.

Will someone explain what is going on?!

“Jim, we gotta talk.“


	188. Transmission 2262.188

**July 7 th, 2262**

Antivirals _suck_. And antibiotics. And immune suppressant drugs. And the supplements. He’s drugging me because he doesn’t want to deal with me. Which, ha, likely story. Apparently I have – I got it from our recent civilization visit with the Tobirans. It’s some made up word because Bones doesn’t know what it is and just feels like torturing me anyway by sticking me in a small room all by myself and loading me up with IVs and hypos. Yup. I mean, heck, I don’t feel sick, but Bones caught it when looking at my blood work from the other day. My liver counts are high – a lot higher than they should be and were prior to this check - and Bones even suspects it’s a virus that is attacking it because it’s different from the rest of my body DNA. It’s organic in nature, but different because it’s a transplant. I’d hate to know what this virus would do if it I’d gotten a transplant from someone else and not just home grown by Bones himself.

Isolation is for precaution reasons. I can still be Captain – without leaving the room. *Jim sighs* Spock’s acting Captain. He’s checking up on me – he was just as shocked as I was that somehow I was sick again. Glad I’m not showing any symptoms. Especially with how well I take being ill.

I mean, heck, Bones checked my allergies after I came back from the dead and a majority of them were gone. My immune system still sucks though – still got some latent allergies and still can’t take most medications.

Life is crazy, mom. Miss talking. Hope to hear from you soon!

He wants me to ‘rest’ – yeah, maybe after I grade all these drafts for my students. Only got about five weeks left with them. I think I might have to get a few of them on my ship asap after they graduate. They are very intelligent.

Spock’s inquiring to my health. I’ll talk to you later mom! LOVE YOU!


	189. Transmission 2262.189

**July 8 th, 2262**

In light of Captain Kirk’s current absence, I am overseeing the studies of the Starfleet Academy students. As none of the eleven students are headed into the Science field, I am expanding their horizons while guests aboard the _Enterprise_ by allowing them to work with the Vulcan scientists to reach a satisfying end goal. They are cooperating to cultivate answers on the numerous data collected from recent landing parties and advanced scanning of the atmosphere, flora and fauna, and soil samples. It is a delicate task, but I believe they are up to the challenge.

As for my own duties, Dr. McCoy and I have been deeply involved in looking into the mysterious pathogen that has decided to make a home within your son. He continues to show no symptoms of the infection except elevated liver counts and an interesting view of the pathogen under a medical microscope. Dr. McCoy does not want to take any chances with Jim’s health at this time – transplants are risky no matter what organ has been transplanted, and the first one hundred days are the most cautious with increased critical concepts. We will take no risks with Jim – I won’t allow him to suffer. We have been through enough.

I have kept myself busy – the ethical quandary of the Tobirans leaves me unsettled in my meditation, but the continued work onboard the _Enterprise_ keeps me busy and trained on much more important thoughts. Jim is my main concern along with the _Enterprise_ ’s supreme functioning under every circumstance. We must be ready for anything, regardless of the current non-threatening area of space we occupy.

“Commander Spock, I think I found something interesting.”

I’ll be right there, Cadet Cl’aron.

Good day, ma’am.

Spock out.


	190. Transmission 2262.190

**July 9 th, 2262**

I keep – having this reoccurring nightmare. It started right after I got stabbed – and now that I just keep having setbacks in regards to my liver, it won’t go away. It’s more a memory – one not even from me. I’ve melded with Ambassador Spock before – way back in the day – and I get that feeling I got a few of his memories, because this nightmare isn’t like – Spock and I, but a version of Spock and I. But it’s a familiar spot, and a familiar memory.

I hate it, because it wakes Spock up or pulls him out of his meditation and I hate making him worry. He lies when he says he doesn’t feel. He’s still half-human and he’s still amazing, and I can’t keep doing this to him. I brush off the nightmares, but – they are about him. About _us_. Whatever version I’m seeing of us – we had the same feelings in that universe as we do in this universe, but I have no idea what happened in that universe. I can’t exactly ask the Ambassador. I don’t have access to every piece of information. And it is driving me _crazy_.

And it’s _Spock_.

And I just – I hate this nightmare. Circumstances be damned.


	191. Transmission 2262.191

**July 10 th, 2262**

I’m turning yellow. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck –

“Stop being a whiny baby.”

I’M YELLOW. HAVE YOU SEEN MY SCLERA?!

“JIM, I KNOW. I’m trying to fucking stop your liver from failing. But you try catching a bug that doesn’t respond to anything I’ve got. I’m amazed your kidneys are still functioning.”

I’m a fucking mess.

“If you would, Doctor, I have personal business with the Captain.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’ll live – for now.”

If he keeps me in here for another fucking _day_ , I am going to scream.

“I do not believe that would be wise, Captain. Doctor McCoy is doing his best to prevent your demise.”

I know. Just – grrr. Anyway, you said personal?

“You’re shaking.”

I’m _fine._ Stop fussing, Spock.

“I am not fussing.”

You are – we’ve had this argument before. I’m fine – just tired. What did Admiral Barnett say since I couldn’t attend this impromptu meeting?

“The Vulcan investigators will be here in three days. He expects you to cooperate and then head back with them to New Vulcan. It seems he is still adamant you go back to New Vulcan for the trial.”

But Stobel isn’t DANGEROUS! I kept trying to explain this to him, but he doesn’t listen. And for god’s sakes, it isn’t like I’m going anywhere NOW! LOOK AT ME! I’m falling apart. Besides that, they just want to poke around inside Stobel’s head. And if they want to do that, go for it. I’ll wash my hands of their complete disregard for ethics. The laws be damned.

“Jim, he tried to murder you. The Vulcan High Council wants answers, along with Command, and they want those answers now. This is a highly unusual occurrence – Vulcans don’t murder, let alone attempt to murder.”

Well, maybe he isn’t so logical and peaceful after all. But he didn’t try it a second time! He just –

“Jim-“

My live is failing again, and I’m tired of being stuck in here. For all we know, he could have infected me with something. Just – Spock, keep taking care of the _Enterprise_. That’s all I ask. In the meantime, we just let things take its course. And, if in the end, I have to yell at Barnett, so be it. He’s becoming a rather large pain in my side as it is. I’m a few hundred thousand miles away from Earth for him to touch me, so I think I’m okay from his wrath.

“Your captaincy and your rank are another subject entirely.”

Don’t remind me.

“However, the transport-“

Can suck my failing liver.

“That does not make any reasonable sense, Jim. How does one-“

Oh god, I would think you adorable if I weren’t frustrated right now. You don’t need to understand, Spock. It’s just – a stupid saying.

“Commander Spock?”

“Yes, Yeoman?”

“Lieutenant Uhura requests your presence on the bridge.”

“Thank you, Yeoman. I’ll be right there.”

Go be a hero.

“Doctor McCoy is working diligently on finding you a cure. We will get to the bottom of all of this, I _promise_.”

Don’t keep promises you can’t keep, Spock. Especially when we all know it is likely I’ll be sent back to Earth at this rate. Bones keeps threatening it. I’m going to need a 2nd transplant. Most people don’t get that lucky.

“We have advanced modern medicine.”

Huh, maybe I was wrong about there being no such thing as a no-win scenario. I’m always _in_ it.

“You need rest, ashayam.”

I’m going, I’m going. T’hy’la, always.

*they part ways with a Vulcan kiss*


	192. Transmission 2262.192

**July 11 th, 2262**

“No, the blue substance goes into the mixture before the green substance.”

“The mixture will solidify before its time if we perform the experiment that way. As I have already informed you, we are out of this plant structure to test and we must gather the appropriate information if we are to understand how each of these planet’s function.”

As Jim continues to recuperate in Sickbay, I continue to supervise the education of both the Vulcan scientists and Starfleet Academy students. Work continues on identifying plant structures and how the ecosystem of each planet works. It is a tedious process that each student is learning for further knowledge in their careers.

“Commander Spock?”

Yes, Cadet?

“When will Captain Kirk be back? He’s sure been in Sickbay for a while.”

Captain Kirk continues to fight an unpredictable illness which requires continuous monitoring. Rest assured, he will be back to teaching as soon as possible.

“Does this always happen? He ends up in Sickbay and you take over for him?”

I do not understand your inquiry, Cadet. As for when Captain Kirk does end up in Sickbay, if I am still within healthy parameters, I take over the duties of Captain as is my position as First Officer.

“Well, I meant – does this happen often?”

I – the statistical likelihood that Captain Kirk will end up in Sickbay has not been calculated.

“But you are Vulcan. The statistics should be easily calculable after spending the past five years with the human known as James T. Kirk.”

Thank you, T’Karik. However, the statistics have not been calculated. He is – Captain Kirk is my bond mate and I –

“Commander, is it possible you don’t want to calculate the odds because you love him? Many humans don’t want to know the odds if it has to do with their loved one.”

Thank you, Lara. I – I do not have an answer for not being able to calculate the odds. There is not enough data to calculate such a statistic.

“Oh, come on, _Commander_. There has to be enough data.”

This discussion is no longer to be continued. Focus back on your work. This discussion is not to be brought back up while onboard the _Enterprise_. Is that understood?

*a chorus of* “Yes, Commander.”

“Do you know what happened to the gram staining bottle?”

“Does anyone have an extra magnifying glass?”

“OH, OH IT’S FROM THE STAPHYLOCOCCACEAE FAMILY. Oh, _shit_.”

It would seem I have my proverbial hands full with these students. I must get back to my duties.

Spock out.


	193. Transmission 2262.193

**July 12 th, 2262**

Strangest case I have ever had to deal with, and I’ve been at this for _years_. We’ve been in space forever and, yet, I have no idea how to combat this mysterious pathogen. None of my treatments are working. I isn’t viral, it isn’t bacterial, it isn’t fungal – it is just very _foreign_. And it isn’t affecting any of his other organs, just his liver. But looking at his counts from today – mild improvement. He’s still yellow, but that is all the symptoms. I’m not taking him out of the sterile environment because his immune system may be shot otherwise.

My medical science is baffled and _mad_. At this rate – I don’t want to take him back to Earth. I don’t want to get that far, even if I keep threatening him with it.

I - his immune system isn’t even fighting this infection. Something is off.

I gotta get back to work.

McCoy out.


	194. Transmission 2262.194

**July 13th, 2262**

I keep seeing hands and I keep seeing Spock on the other side of that glass and instead of me dying, _he's_ dying.

No, I won't allow it. I need Spock, damn it.

The nightmare won't relent. And my insomnia is unrelenting itself.

I feel fine, even without Bones intervening every five seconds with a hypo. I just want to get out of here and do something useful! We're almost done here and have a shit ton to send back to Command and we have to handle Stobel and the Vulcan students and my students. I feel like such a failure as their teacher. I can't stay well enough to teach them anything. Spock's doing a wonderful job. Can always trust in him to do my job without complaining - and do it good.

Guess I'll keep reading up on this reports. Something should get me to sleep at one point. But sleep means that nightmare - 

Oh Spock.


	195. Transmission 2262.195

**July 14 th, 2262**

So, what do you want to say first?

“Um, hi? She’s already met us.”

Yeah, I send these things out in batches. But, Kirk gave us permission to just ‘be awesome’ – think that jaundice went to his brain?

“Or Spock did. Have you seen those two? If Spock isn’t busy, he’s seriously always at Jim’s side. Until Jim kicks him out to meditate. I’ve never seen a more-“

Adorable couple. I know.

“And you still don’t-“

“Okay, so, Mrs. Kirk, besides your obviously ridiculous son, we’ve taken to observing the _Enterprise_ in full swing.”

That is to say, beyond our usual duties, we’ve whipped up some entertainment for you. Ship gossip.

“Chekov sleeps with a stuffed blue elephant.”

Kevin Riley cries when he watches old 2000’s era Disney movies.

“Lieutenant Hendorff uses a butt load of hair products.”

Seriously, his shared bathroom with his second in command is basically just his hair products. Timothy is scared for his own hair.

“Jhamal Shran, a Lieutenant in Engineering and a fine looking Andorian, picks his nose.”

Ew. Does he lick his antennas afterwards?

“I don’t actually want to know. I’m officially grossed out.”

Well, I have one for you, Carol. McCoy sleeps with a nightlight.

“Ugh, I actually knew that one. Oh well. I still like him. And it isn’t because he’s afraid of the dark, by the way.”

Just because he’s a doctor.

“And people are always trying to kill him.”

No, that’s Jim.

“Right.”

So-

“Oh, oh, OH! Oh, god, I’ve been wanting to say this forever. Hold on – yes, Nyota, Monte likes you.”

WHAT?!


	196. Transmission 2262.196

**July 15 th, 2262**

I’M FREE. Bones says that while I still have this infection in me, he sees no harm in keeping me locked inside a sterile room any longer, plus my jaundice is fading. My liver is picking back up and seems to be doing better. Maybe the infection will just wear itself out. I don’t know.

Anyway, just in time too – we have visitors of the Vulcan kind who are here for our prisoner.

If it wasn’t insubordination, I’d give Barnett a good punch in the face. He’s on Earth though, the bastard. However, remind me never to become an Admiral. Spock can do that for me. I’m perfectly fine staying as Captain of the _Enterprise_.

I gotta go wrangle in these ridiculous proceedings. LOVE YOU!


	197. Transmission 2262.197

**July 16th, 2262**

Blasted buffoons. The engineering students are more capable of doing this job than my own charges! Imbeciles, the lot of them! Ever since the latest transfer it has been _hell_ down here. I need better hands. I need Chekov!

Scotty here, telling it like it is. We got all manner of fucked up workings down here in Engineering, but by golly we will make this ship run without a hitch. We'll be headed back to more familiar space soon for some tune up and restocking, but for now we have to hold out with what we have. With Jim down for the count so often, I am FLOUNDERING!

Blast the Klingons and the Ferengi!

_Mr. Scott!_

Aye, I'm coming!

Ma'am.


	198. Transmission 2262.198

**July 17th, 2262**

"Captain Kirk-"

No. I have dealt with this diplomatically since it happened, but I will NOT allow this to drag on any further. He refuses to explain his motives or confess. However, our computers are not wrong . We know it was him. Do with him as you like. But get _off my ship_ before you violate Federation laws.

"Vulcan law states clearly about criminal proceedings, Captain."

He's Vulcan, but he committed the crime under Federation laws as a guest on board the Starfleet Flagship _Enterprise_. You cannot logic yourself out of this one. So make your choice. Either you do this the Federation way, or you get off my ship, _without me_ , and I wash my hands of this madness.

"Captain, as already discussed, Admiral Barnett has agreed to follow the Vulcan laws. Stobel will be prosecuted as such. Is it not _logical_ to want judgment against those who have wronged you?"

I am a fair individual, Counselor. I am still alive. He harmed me, but it does not warrant unjust actions.

"It is not unjust, James."

Get out. 

"Captain-"

OUT!

I wash my hands of this. Stobel is not my priority. And Barnett will have words from me. 

Stobel is - a criminal, yes, but... I don't know. I'm not that kind of angry person. Am I?

I just don't understand why they are so insistent. At least Spock doesn't feel the same. 

They can rightly take him off my ship and deal with him how they like. I've given all the information I can. Bones and Spock and all security person have made their statements. It's the politics and the lawyers who get to sift through it all. 

Stobel won't tell me why he did it. None of the other Vulcans have been rude or prejudice. Not even racist. I guess it'll remain a mystery. And if it had anything to do with Spock - well, I would think I would know - right?

I gotta go find Spock. This whole situation is giving me another headache.

Love you, mom.


	199. Transmission 2262.199

**July 18th, 2262**

Oh, yeah know, just another disaster. Warp core failure. Nothing to - fret about. 

SPOCK!!! Where are we at? I'M NOT LETTING US DIE OUT HERE!


	200. Transmission 2262.200

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DAY 200! Wow, just WOW!

**July 19 th, 2262**

He’s crying all over me. I – Chekov, buddy, he’s going to be okay – come on.

“HIKARU IS INJURED. HE COULD DIE!”

Bones won’t let that happen. I mean, hello, I’m living proof of _NOT DEAD!_

“He shouldn’t have been down there. He – he was supposed to be on the Bridge. I – I –I - *hiccup* I-“

“Mr. Chekov, contain yourself.”

*Chekov hiccups again*

Ah, Spock. Yes, what’s your report?

“War Core functional again, however Mr. Scotty reports that ‘we shouldna go above warp 2 if our lives depend on it’. Minor injuries to Mr. Scott, Ensign Peters, two of your students, and Lieutenant Marcus. Lieutenant Sulu is still in Medbay in critical condition.”

“OH GOD!”

CHEKOV! Come on buddy, we gotta get somewhere a little more private. Thank you for your report, Commander. Keep me posted on any new information and I will meet you in the mess hall for dinner?

“Of course, Captain.”

Come on, Chekov. Sulu is going to be fine. Bones is taking care of him. We’ll go somewhere quiet and soothing, okay? Okay.

“It’s my fault, all my fault.”

It’s going to be a long day.


	201. Transmission 2262.201

**July 20 th, 2262**

Stressful few days. From Engineering going crazy to the warp core failing and injuries being acquired – I want to crawl into bed and forget any of it happened. Bones says he isn’t a therapist, but what about me?! I feel like all I’ve been doing lately is giving someone nearby a shoulder to cry on. Chekov wasn’t the only one. Sulu is doing better. Bones says he’ll make a full recovery.

I saw Spock long enough last night to say I love you and fall asleep. I regret that it’ll be a rinse and repeat process tonight. The warp core is barely alive and we’ve had to abandon the last of the current system exploration to head back to familiar space for repairs.

Barnett is still not happy with me, which I could care less about. The Vulcan investigators begrudgingly stayed onboard to converse with the Science students and wait until we return to Vulcan. Stobel continues to keep his mouth shut. At this point, if we can just get back to Vulcan safely, things can go smoothly. I still do not agree with their methods, but it is possible relief can be found in the future from this – disaster.

Maybe I lied. I am curious why I was attacked. I – I guess it just makes sense though. I’m Captain. However, the Vulcans’ frustration with me as a whole does not make sense. Well, actually – scratch that, pretty sure Ambassador Spock helping Spock and I bond pissed off a few Vulcans. But these are just _kids_. The students are still learning. Why do we teach little ones such prejudices? We’re all a part of the Federation. It seems hard to believe they would still harbor such racism when Spock’s own mother was human and married to Sarek, and with the loss of Vulcan – we can’t keep this up. I just don’t know how to change their minds. It feels like such a step backwards. They haven’t been a trouble since they were being rude to Spock – and he hasn’t said anything. And they definitely haven’t stirred up any trouble since Stobel decided to attack.

I’m missing something. Except – I guess it’s a matter of opinion. I need to talk to Spock.

I need to get back to Engineering.

On our way back to familiar space. Then where – I don’t know. Guess that’s just open for discussion.


	202. Transmission 2262.202

** July 21st, 2262 **

"It's not fair."

It never is. But we - remember who we lost and give tribute to their work. Everyone on this ship understands what risks are associated with space. Starfleet doesn't hedge the realities. Even on a barely functioning starship can life be lost.

"She stustained injuries from before, so it wasn't that. I can't believe she didn't say anything! I was her roommate! She had to be in - terrible pain. Oh, god, Captain - we can't let this happen."

We won't, Lara. And I'm here if you need anything else. Get some rest. Don't hesitate to see Dr. McCoy for anything. Tomorrow morning I'll debrief all the students and update the crew. For now, we handle it as it is.

"Thank you, Captain. And you'll - you will contact her family?"

One of the unfortunate parts of commanding 300+ individuals of all shapes and sizes and races. I'll contact them when it's appropriate their time.

*Jim sighs, running a hand down his face* One of my students didn't report her internal injuries from an earlier incident until it was too late. She died not too long ago in Bones's care.

The hardest part about this job is the loss of life. It is so hard to stomach. And she was brilliant - going to be an amazing Starfleet office in a year. But now -

Spock and I will address the issues with the students and visitors and then the crew. Reeducate that notifying when something is wrong is ESSENTIAL. A lesson can be taught even in light of a horrible tragedy.

She was 23. Young and impressionable.

My job sucks. On every front. Damn Vulcan investigators want to "voluntarily" dig around my brain for the investigation. Um, no. Spock is one thing - strangers is another entirely! Plus, um, I am intimately connected to Spock? What would they say? What would they think? What prejudice would they hold against me? I know the older generation still harbors those "emotions" - Sarek was scorned and Spock continues to be ridiculed. He tried to save Vulcan! Saved Earth! The rest of the Federation!

Oh brother.

Spock's asking for me.

Later mom.


	203. Transmission 2262.203

**July 22 nd, 2262:**

Bones. _Bones._ BONES!

“WHAT?!”

Nothing.

“You cannot be bored. If you are, I have a perfectly good hypo-“

NOPE, NO, I’M GOOD. NOT BORED. Just wanted to ask about Sulu and then – Spock’s looking for me. Yup, Spock. Good ol’ Spock is once again searching for my pleasant self. So, UPDATE?!

NO, BONES, NO. GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME.

NURSE!!!

*the PADD Jim is using clatters to the floor as he, literally, runs away screaming*

“Fucking child. And he comes in here talking to you, Winona. He has no fucking filter. Everyone is great. I’m fine – just stressed. Sulu is fine. He’ll mend, with time. Sleeping right now. Jim’ll come back, maybe. For now, I’m going back to my paperwork.”


	204. Transmission 2262.204

**July 23 rd, 2262**

On our broken way towards familiar space, Command decided we should explore a not-all-that-close Class M planet that previously was written off as _absolutely nothing_ and frankly, _inhabitable_. But no, Barnett decided to throw us to the wolves. We should be there tomorrow.

Because we have all the time and resources in the universe! Because we don’t have limited supplies and _a broken ship_.

Who ever thought a five year mission was exactly prime reality? I feel like all I have done is bowed to the whims of the Admirals back on _earth_. Where is Pike when I need him?

“Captain Kirk, Captain Kirk!”

Yes?

“We think we figured out a way to help Mr. Scott get more power under the certain circumstances.”

“Actually, I KNOW we can get more power. Plus, keep everyone safe.”

“We went over that, it-“

Hold on, hold on, guys. Is this what you have been working on in your spare time?

“Yes.”

I apparently need to give harder assignments to you students. Okay, show me what you got.


	205. Transmission 2262.205

**July 24 th, 2262**

We reached the planet. They wouldn’t let me go down because they want to ruin all the fun. Bones complains that I’m not exactly ‘planet worthy’ with my health. Whatever. So, sitting on the bridge, waiting for – something, anything. News. Life. Just chilling. They’re just exploring. Nothing should go wrong.

“Scans from the planet reveal no sign of life, Captain.”

Well, we knew that. Guess we needed to just confirm it.

“Report coming in – they have split into two groups and are currently gathering samples and taking scans.”

“Plant life is minimal. A dirt-like-substance is seen in multiple mounds, tunnels are noted. Conclusions not in yet.”

“Animals are plentiful. From microscopic level to human-size level. Commander Spock-“

“I have lost a life sign. Searching now for any abnormalities in the system.”

What? What is going on?

“And I’ve lost-“

SPOCK?!! SPOCK!

“Someone call Doctor McCoy.”

No, no, no, he was right there – he was chatting and scanning with a student and –

“Captain, weak life sign found from the student, but cannot get a transporter signal.”

“Commander Spock has been lost.”

“JIM!”


	206. Transmission 2262.206

**July 25th, 2262**

Jim's gone off the deep end. It's just past 2pm and he hasn't left the bridge for the past twenty six hours - not for one instant. Won't drink, eat, or sleep. I can't make him move, and he would literally kill me if I hypoed him with _anything_.

Even attempting to hydrate the bastard makes him go off.

He's torturing the rest of the crew - and they are working fucking hard to find out what happened down there and where Spock and one of the Starfleet Academy students went. They disappeared - literally. There was a faint life sign and then - nothing. Jim can't access Spock through their bond, but he knows it is still _there_. He hasn't gone down in crippling pain - which I can only assume would happen if the bond broke in death. But that's just an assumption, really.

The crew are working around the clock to get answers. Jim hasn't gone down because I put my foot down and won't let him. The rest of the landing party began a search, but had to come back after a strange rash started on everyone's skin. They've been given hydrocortisone and prednisone and sent on their way. We sent down a second party and the same happened to them in the same amount of time. Our third party is down there right now, dosed with a steroid prior to going down to hopefully length their search time. Still waiting on any news. I can only assume the same rash has started on Spock and Lara and it has been steadily getting worse. I fear there may be in great danger.

I'll keep you updated, ma'am.

McCoy out.


	207. Transmission 2262.207

**July 26 th, 2262**

He’s gone and I can’t find him – NO ONE CAN FIND HIM. AND LARA. NO ONE CAN FIND HER.

AND I CAN’T FEEL HIM. I CAN’T SENSE HIM.

BONES!

“Jim, take a deep breath. They’re searching.”

FUCK, WHY WON’T YOU LET ME GO DOWN?!

“Have you seen the rashes they have, Jim? I’m still trying to find a solution to help relieve it. I WILL NOT RISK YOUR HEALTH. You know Spock is alive. WE WILL FIND THEM!”

WHEN?

“SOON.”

NOT GOOD ENOUGH!


	208. Transmission 2262.208

**July 27 th, 2262**

Cadet Lara and Commander Spock have been found alive, but in critical condition. Long term exposure to the elements of the planet have left both individuals in respiratory distress.

Jim won’t leave, even when I demand he give myself and Dr. M’Benga room to work. He’s out there right now, knocked out by his own lack of rest and inability to function without caffeine after – roughly eighty one hours. Sleeping like he may not wake up. Sleeping like – well, he might not wake up if Spock doesn’t.

Finding a solution to this medical mystery is proving difficult. Two other crew members also came down with respiratory distress, but as they are no longer in the elements, they are not declining. With the exposure time multiplied in regards to Lara and Spock, they are showing further symptoms of decline and I’m grappling at straws. The rash won’t disappear even with my medications – it seems systematic, but the integumentary system is tricky at best, along with the immune system. Vitals in Ensign N’lort and Lieutenant Venice are stabilized even in their respiratory distress, however Spock and Lara are all over the board. Blood pressure sky high, pulse low, temperature low, respiratory rate attempting to max out without the oxygen field and respiratory assistance.

I gotta go run more blood rests. I will get to the bottom of this. Jim would _kill_ me if Spock died.

Heck, I don’t want Spock to die.

I don’t want anyone to die.


	209. Transmission 2262.209

**July 28 th, 2262**

He’s in a healing trance. At least, that’s what Bones assumes. I can’t – I felt Spock for like, a milli second a few hours ago, but then – nothing. I haven’t felt him since he disappeared. It must be the infection. It’s attacking not only his respiratory, immune, and integumentary systems, but also his telepathic abilities. Our bond.

Bones doesn’t believe they’ll die. No one is showing signs of declining much further. Well, Spock’s coming back to us at one point. He doesn’t go into a healing trance for nothing. As for Lara – well, she _does_ continue to decline. And Bones has ingested so much coffee trying to find an answer.

And I can’t help. Except keep us moving back towards familiar space so the Vulcans can have Stobel and the Federation can still orbit in the universe, and my students can get back to – get back to school. I hope that includes Lara. They all are very brilliant and excellent students. They will make fine Starfleet material when they graduate in a year. They know how to think outside the box and even make me look stupid – and that is saying _a lot_ , considering only about four people on this ship knows I’m a genius and – well, we won’t even begin to go there.

Mom, this is hard. _Really_ hard.

_Bridge to Captain Kirk._

Yes, Lieutenant?

_In coming transmission from Admiral Barnett._

I will be right there.

I’ll be back, Spock. I won’t be gone for long.


	210. Transmission 2262.210

**July 29 th, 2262**

“Spock, absolutely NOT. You will stay put in this medical bay until I find you fit as a fucking fiddle, and Dr. M’Benga also signs off on your release. As of _right fucking now_ , you have neither signature, and you will stay on that biobed, so help me, _Commander_.”

Bones is kind of mad – Spock woke up and proceeded to try to leave. Hmm, I sense the relation. Then he asked where I was and I was already running down the hall from the Bridge because I could _feel_ Spock in my head again and I was kind of screaming in excitement.

“Doctor, I have been in a healing trance for thirty four point six hours. My vitals are stable, and I have no more symptoms of disease. I do not see why I need to be held captive in this medical bay for any such longer time then to assure Jim is of adequate health.”

“Now listen here, Spock. You are still sick. Your vitals may be fine, but you are not. Your skin is still green with this unknown rash, and you are only so lucky your respiratory function has stabilized. Those around you have not from whatever this disease is that was in the air and the elements of the planet we were on. Cadet Lara and a few other individuals could die if we do not find a cure. Your immune system has not been examined fully. I _will_ run a few more tests before letting you leave, and seeing as it is 2321 at night, you aren’t going anywhere. Dr. M’Benga is still asleep. Catch my drift?”

They are endearing, but –

Spock, I kind of agree. You should stay here just for a little while longer. I’ll stay right here. I’m not leaving. Sulu’s got the Conn and we’re just gonna sit and talk and let Bones do his work. I don’t want you to get any worse.

“Jim, I am fine.”

Fine is unacceptable, my love.

“Yeah, Spock, fine is not okay. I don’t care if you feel fine. I want to make sure you are fine. And at this point, you aren’t leaving within the next twenty four hours if I have anything to say about it. Now listen to your Captain and bond mate and _stay put_.”

“You have a way of mincing words, Lieutenant Commander. However, I will stay, as Jim wishes.”

Thank you, Spock. Now, shoo, Bones, I want to talk to Spock alone.

“Hmph. Good.”

“Do not worry, Jim. I am well.”

It is good to see you awake. I – I had a meltdown. One second you were in my head and then you weren’t and your life signs disappeared and we had to search for you. Then people started getting rashes and they weren’t going away and searching for you was challenging on that fucking dismal planet and to top it all off, Bones wouldn’t let me go _at all_. Because apparently I’m still sick and – god, Spock, you scared me. I was terrified. And I just – I love you and please don’t leave me again. _Please_.


	211. Transmission 2262.211

**July 30 th, 2262**

The drama never really ends, but at least Spock is out of sickbay. Bones won’t let him back on rotation yet, but that makes sense. I’m handling the shit when it hits the fan. Mostly taking reports from Sickbay on the still-in-critical condition crew and the ever on-going saga of Engineering. Scotty continues to rant in Russian (he learned that from Chekov – seriously, Scotty’s Scottish accent and the Russian language. Holy crap, it’s scary!) about the fact we need repairs _now_. I’m begging Admiral Barnett to let us stop at a nearby star base, but… He wants Stobel in more secure custody immediately.

And yet they sent us off to an uninhabited planet and my First Officer and T’y’la, along with an Academy student, disappeared and were found in critical condition. Not to mention the injuries sustained by the search parties. And he wants us back now? Is Barnett smoking something? Is this something about Section 31? Good god, I feel like I should suck my brains out with a straw through my nose.

No, no, bad image. I – ugh, bad memories, bad memories – Spock is now going to hunt me down because of that. Reassuring him I’m fine. Just – bad memories of Tarsus.

Back to the wonderful world of the _Enterprise_. The paperwork is endless. This job is endless, even when I’m not on the bridge. I have to give it to my whole crew though – they are working very well together. Even the Vulcan scientists. No arguments, no stress. I mean, yes, stress is high, but everyone is working admirably and without fuss. Scientific discoveries are endless, Engineering hasn’t _died_ yet, and Uhura hasn’t tried to kill me yet. And I have the best navigator and pilot duo in the whole Universe. Everyone needs a commendation after this. It’s been a heck of a few months. This summer was – interesting. Between myself and Spock and the students and Stobel and Sulu and – AH. It’s all piling up.

And tomorrow – _tomorrow_ is Spock’s day of birth.

I was afraid he would be in Sickbay, but he isn’t, thank god. However, any idea of celebration seems dismal and after all we’ve been through – we need to keep it on the down low. He has not appreciated any other celebratory attempts in his honor since I met him all those years ago, and while this is our first real celebration together as a bonded pair – he needs rest, and we need a moment to breathe.

Maybe chess. We haven’t done that in so long. We need a breather. Chess and tea. I can make Plomeek soup. Sometimes it is easier to have comforts of long-lost home. New Vulcan is obviously not the same, but remembering his mother and his planet on the day of his birth might be easier to digest.

Unless I just screw that up anyway.

I should get back to reading and formulating reports. And then the Vulcan Investigators wanted a meeting about Stobel. Everyone is on my ship, and I’m king.

Oh boy.


	212. Transmission 2262.212

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made today Spock's birthday (since we don't actually know canonically) because today is my sister's birthday (and Harry Potter). It's a popular day :P
> 
> Also: oh August, where did YOU COME FROM?!!

**July 31 st, 2262**

Quick, before my date with Spock.

SOOOO, just so you know, Lara woke up. Huge sigh of relief. It’s been a pretty celebratory day because Bones actually found a way to fight back at the infection and the rash is clearing up from each individual. One person is still having major respiratory issues, but Bones is monitoring closely.

Spock is doing – he’s fine right now. I doubt we’ll get to do anything in bed tonight, but I’m just glad he’s better. And _alive_.

Oh, oh, remember that planet we found with dilithium? Miners got there a few days ago and it’s going well. Score one for the Federation. Not that we don’t have more problems in any system we explore, but hey, at least we found more energy for our starships. I heard a rumor there might be a greater ship coming, even _above_ the _Vengeance_ class. The _Enterprise_ is still the flagship, the beauty of the Federation. It’s why we are out here.

Okay, going to hang out with Spock. Chess and I made soup!

Happy birthday, Spock!


	213. Transmission 2262.213

**August 1st, 2262**

Admiral Barnett just released an official order, commanding Spock, Stobel, the Vulcan investigators, and myself to report to the Federation embassy on New Vulcan in exactly one week for Stobel's trial.

A fucking week. My ship is in tatters, Spock is still healing, my students aren't even released from my instruction until the twenty second of August, and we won't be anywhere near New Vulcan until about thirteen days from now.

No one even asked me if I wanted to do this. Can we just leave it alone?!

This is fucking bullshit.


	214. Transmission 2262.214

**August 2 nd, 2262**

My biggest question in life is why this is such a big deal when other people, those who shall not be named, don’t get a trial? I _KNOW_ he’s alive. No evidence means he is out there. However he wants to go about fishing out the remains of his life after that hell hole, well – fuck him.

I’m still _alive_. I’m _not_ dead. I – with a shit ton of help on Spock and Bones’s parts – didn’t stay dead from the likes of Khan. And I didn’t perish on Tarsus IV. Or Nero. And this didn’t kill me. I don’t – it isn’t _fair_.

Kevin has no family, he watched them _die_ on Tarsus. And Kodos gets to go free because the Federation can’t FIND him?! Is it enough that I’ve put my whole life’s work into making sure shit like Tarsus doesn’t happen again? Petty attempts at murdering me is of little interest to me.

It isn’t fair. I just don’t want to go through this. I’m already their poster boy. Why do we need to fan-fair my face again because _oh, a Vulcan managed to stab Captain Kirk!_

I can see the headlines now.

What’s funny is that this hasn’t even hit the news circuits yet. We’ve been so deep in space this summer that no one knows what happened to me. But now _, now_ people will know because we have to go to New Vulcan.

I just want to explore space without tis hanging over me.

I don’t even want my past anymore. Someone else can have it.

I’m so – so _angry_ at Kodos. And it isn’t fair to take it out on Stobel. He isn’t the problem. Only – ugh.

It had to have been isolated. Vulcans aren’t a dangerous species. They aren’t _Klingons_. Even if he somehow had it out for me – of which I don’t ever want to know because I will not be around when they go into his mind. They’ll do it the second we get to New Vulcan. I just do not believe in unwillingly taking information from an individual. People are allowed to have secrets. Obtaining information through a mind meld when it is forced is _not_ okay. It is _unethical_.

Look, mom, Spock and I are even. At least he’s not trying to convince me it’s okay for them to meld with Stobel.

NOT ON MY SHIP!

I have got to go punch something.

Too many – too much. This has got to end.


	215. Transmission 2262.215

**August 3 rd, 2262**

It has been a difficult summer for all of us. Jim has taken the most of it, but he could only last so long. He succumbed to exhaustion and a bout of frustration last night. I found him in the gym shaking, somewhat tearful, and his knuckles bleeding. We have not had a chance to talk, but through our bond, I know he is most discouraged by many of the events that occurred this summer. From his students to his own personal dilemmas, I feel I have let him down as his bond mate, one who is meant to protect, defend, and care for each part of his being – mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional.

He is asleep all on his own accord – Doctor McCoy repaired the damage to Jim’s hands and he fell asleep without a single aid. His dehydration was reversed and Doctor McCoy assured me that Jim’s energy reserves would bounce back in no time.

I could feel the discourse through the bond, but Jim has become quite fine-tuned at keeping away any negative emotion from me. I find that emotions are – they are necessary. Jim would not function without them. I do not believe I would function without them. Vulcans have deep emotions, but when I am with Jim – I _feel_. I feel for him in ways I cannot explain. And I wish to help him, to soothe his troubles. We both have come a long way in communicating effectively, but it seems we still have work to do. I can see that he is not ready to discuss what led to his ineffective coping mechanism tonight.

Prior to finding Jim in the gym, I happened upon news that I wish to share with you, Mrs. Kirk. Upon speaking to Stobel about the impending trial, he – he showed his true nature. His _dislike_ for who I am and for my choice in bond mate. He is – was – a second cousin of the late T’Pring. She was my previous betrothed. T’Pring and her family were on Vulcan at the time of Nero’s attack and they all perished. I was little affected as she did not have an interest in me and my time had not yet come, so our link hardly held any meaning when it severed. Her loss was but another tally in the complete loss of life on Vulcan, and I regret not being able to save everyone. Stobel was off-planet during Nero’s attack and when the news hit that I was on the _Enterprise_ and was part of the group who lost Vulcan but saved Earth – he grew angry. An emotion. He disregards Vulcan culture, but proceeded to still play the game, as he says, so he could find me.

Jim’s attack was about me. About us. Stobel believes I have marred the memory of T’Pring by having bonded with a human male. _The_ human male who failed to save Vulcan. Stobel’s jealousy fueled his emotions, and he attacked after learning of our bonding once he was onboard the _Enterprise_. What he was planning prior to that knowledge – he did not state. He wanted revenge, and he felt that I would be better off with a lost bond mate; to feel that loss twice.

Stobel – he does not understand. I know Jim’s thoughts on Vulcan and its loss. Jim regrets heavily that he could not save the planet. The loss of life was great, and Jim knows – he feels for my own personal loss of my mother. He has never asked about another significant other in my life. We have shared our minds and opened up all the dark crevices, but to the extent of what Jim understands about my life before him, before Starfleet – that I do not know. But I know that the loss of T’Pring was regrettable, even if I had no such emotions in regards to her. She was a way to save me in my time of Pon Farr. A necessity. That was all.

Jim is safe. That is what matters.


	216. Transmission 2262.216

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally just bought the PC Star Trek game... :P

**August 4 th, 2262**

I – Spock told me about Stobel.

I guess I kind of figured.

I just want this over with, ya know? I want to get back to _not_ being harassed by Vulcan investigators every other day and having Admiral Barnett on my back every few hours because _WHEN ARE YOU GETTING HERE? KIRK, THIS IS NO A TIME TO FOOL AROUND!_

I’M NOT FOOLING AROUND. I’M HEDGING, OH MY GOD.

“Captain-“

Spock-

“I apologize, I should have knocked.”

No, no, it’s fine. Just talking to my mom.

“Lieutenant Uhura reported from the bridge that there are two new transmissions from Mrs. Kirk that will be sent to your inbox immediately.”

Awesome, I’ll check those out after Beta. Which – how long do I have until I have to be on the Bridge?

“Thirty six point two minutes. Jim, about earlier-“

Spock, I’ve been thinking about that. I – when it comes to this whole trial thing, it isn’t that I don’t respect your culture. God, Vulcans are amazing and beautiful and you guys have been through so much. But as an outsider thrown into a criminal investigation because Stobel attempted to kill me because we happen to be bonded in light of T’Pring’s untimely death at the hands of Nero – I don’t want them in my mind. There is too much that is private to me for a healer or an investigator like Stovenik sitting with Stobel down in the brig to get into. It is _my_ mind. I don’t want them to voluntarily or _not_ learn something that could compromise us. Plus, what about your safety? Your my bond mate. They’d learn something about you and what else would they need to be more prejudice against you? I’ve seen how they look at you. The way the Vulcan scientists insulted you because you are in Starfleet, going against your culture. You aren’t, Spock. You’re exactly who you are supposed to be.

“They cannot violate your privacy. They cannot access your mind unless you are willing. It is your choice if you decide to allow them access to your thoughts. I respect your wishes, Jim. I am by your side no matter what you desire, t’hy’la.”

I know Spock. Thank you. But – if the only way to put this behind me is to let it happen and we go to New Vulcan and I turn a blind eye to the injustice of such evidence collection, just to get this to be over so we can continue on with our lives… then so be it.

“Jim-“

I want solace, Spock. And I want that with you. We haven’t had any time to process this summer, and this shit is still hanging over us. I want it over. While I’m on the Bridge, you’re going to contact Barnett and tell him we’ll be there on Friday with Stobel and the investigators. We’re going to end this this weekend, and then we are coming back and heading off for the unknown.

“What you wish, I grant.”

Na’ tu, t'nash-veh ashau, kanok-vei nufau.

“Ek'wak.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vulcan translation:
> 
> Na’ tu, t'nash-veh ashau, kanok-vei nufau: For you, my love, everything I offer.
> 
> Ek'wak: Forever


	217. Transmission 2262.217

**August 5 th, 2262**

After a _lengthy_ discussion with Barnett – we’re on a shuttle.

“We will arrive at Starbase 50 in two point three hours, Captain.”

Thank you, Spock.

As you can see, we’re not exactly on the _Enterprise_ anymore. As the _Enterprise_ cannot achieve more than 3.5 warp speed, it will not make it to New Vulcan before we are expected to be there on Friday. So we are taking a shuttle to Starbase 50, where all members of the party – which includes myself, Spock, our prisoner Stobel, the two Vulcan investigators, two of my best security, and one of the Vulcan scientists – will be thoroughly checked and then transported to Captain B’ering’s ship, the _Truth Teller_. From there, we will take another shuttle to another available transporter, which will allow us to reach New Vulcan in time. It seems rather jumpy, but it is all we have at this time to make the deadline.

We aren’t on the _Enterprise_ anymore, but the Vulcan investigators have been ordered not to touch Stobel until we are on the surface of New Vulcan. I don’t care what they say. Logic be damned. He still has his information in his mind and it isn’t going anywhere. They can wait.

“All functions normal, Captain.”

As for the _Enterprise_ herself, she will dock at Starbase 50 when she reaches it and get much needed repairs. Once the repairs are finished – Scotty estimates thirty six hours, but I know he can push that to twenty four if needed – they will head for New Vulcan and reach us just in time for supper on Wednesday. I’m hoping the trial doesn’t last the weekend.

“As rare as Vulcan law proceedings are, Captain, they tend to be lengthy.”

Logic. I’ll be damned. Great. Just great. Spock-

“I know your desire to get this over with, Jim. Patience. It has not even started.”

Yeah, I know. Just – no odds, no timeline. My insomnia is going to be bad.

“Have you discussed with Dr. McCoy about your anxiety issues?”

Ha! He knows everything. There isn’t much he can do. I’m allergic to almost everything medication wise. And therapy is bullshit.

“Perhaps meditation would suffice.”

We’ve tried that, remember?

“I believe I have another method that would be more adaptable for you to achieve relaxation and deeper stability. We will discuss once we reach New Vulcan.”

Okay, Spock, if you say so.

Hmm, should go check up on the rest of the crew. Love you mom. Thanks for the messages. Thanks for being happy for us, by the way! It’s nice to know you don’t hate my husband.

“Did you expect such a reaction, Jim?”

I claim the fifth.

“I do not understand.”

Never mind, Spock, never mind *Jim chuckles*.


	218. Transmission 2262.218

**August 6 th, 2262**

Well, we’ve reached the _Truth Teller_. Captain B’ering has been very accommodating as we warp off to get close enough by shuttle to our next transport destination.

Spock’s meditating right now and Stobel is in the brig. The Vulcan investigators have been at my door _three_ times in the past four hours requesting to talk. Seriously, I thought they were good time tellers? I swear I said, ‘On New Vulcan, in two _days_ ’ NOT TWO HOURS.

I’m going to punch something again. My hands are healed from last time, but without Bones around, I don’t want to get into any messes without him around to care for me. I’ve already been thoroughly checked over by Captain B’ering’s Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Nrollin, but it wouldn’t be the same without Bones yelling at me.

I am worried about what might take place during the trial. Unfortunately, Vulcan trials, just like much of their culture, is shrouded in secrecy and I can’t learn what I need to know fast enough. Spock doesn’t know much either about Vulcan trials. Of course, this is also in conjunction with the Federation, so that just makes it even _more_ confusing. With the loss of Vulcan and a majority of its inhabitants, Vulcans have been very tight lipped about their culture. They don’t want to lose it.

Granted, as I am now bonded to a half-Vulcan, and Sarek is my father-in-law, well – I’m entitled to some information.

I think I need a nap. In about twenty two hours we should reach the point where we can take a shuttle to the last transportation point to New Vulcan. And then meet up with Admiral Barnett, Admiral Archer, Admiral Jones, Ambassador Spock, and a whole lot of other Vulcan individuals involved with this case.

Night mom.


	219. Transmission 2262.219

**August 7 th, 2262**

The Captain fell asleep shortly after we left the _Truth Teller_. We will arrive at an Andorian Starbase in fifteen point six hours. From there, we will be transported to New Vulcan.

I can feel Jim’s apprehension about the coming days. He is unsettled, and no amount of reassuring or suggestion has helped. All I have been able to do for his emotional state is be nearby, at his request. It is a difficult time for all of us, and I know he is looking forward to putting this behind him, regardless of the trouble it is causing now. It has only been a short while, but I also wish for this to pass and to be back on the _Enterprise_ and continuing space exploration.

He is extremely passionate about space, especially when it comes to new civilizations, new species, and seeking out new life. He sees the beauty in the universe. It makes him such a unique human being. Luck is not logical, but I am lucky to have him, as a bond mate, and a Captain.


	220. Transmission 2262.220

**August 8 th, 2262**

We have reached New Vulcan and met up with Admiral Barnett. Presently, I am in search of my bond mate, who disappeared shortly after Admiral Barnett dismissed him to talk to me privately. The trial starts at nine am tomorrow morning. As it is a Vulcan trial, there will be few in attendance. The prisoner will be effectively interrogated this evening and tomorrow –

“Spock?”

Jim. *Spock pulls up short shortly after entering their assigned room in a nearby residence* You are unwell.

"I-I don't think I can do this. This – in its entirety. It’s – I just want to go back to the _Enterprise_. Be a Captain. Be with you. I just – what about our privacy? What about your privacy in all this?! You didn’t ask to have to be a witness to this travesty. Or for him to target me because of you. God, I’m so sorry, Spock. This is – it’s my fault, it really is. And I – I-"

*Spock steps toward Jim* I would have your thoughts.

“O-o-o-okay.”

*Spock initiates a meld and a few seconds later steps back*

I have given strength to your shields. This will allow us privacy when the Vulcan investigators request a look into your mind. Do not forget, Jim, that they will also ask the same of me. We have no need to be afraid – they know of our bond and there is nothing we are hiding from them. It is Stobel that is hiding the truth.

“But you talked to him, and he told you why.”

Circumstantial evidence, even if my memory was not eidetic as it is, he could very well have not been telling the truth.

“And they just – went into his mind today. God, I broke my own ethics. My own belief system… Spock-“

Shh, my t’hy’la. I can feel your unease, your brokenness. I am here for you.

"I don't know what is wrong with me. I thought we could do this, be here now and get this behind us - we've almost lost each other multiple times and I can't lose you! PLEASE.”

*Spock pulls Jim in for an embrace* We are here, together. That is what is pertinent.


	221. Transmission 2262.221

**August 9 th, 2262**

Jim has not been himself. Emotional instability and further noticeable decline. He resistance to this trial has been most disconcerting, however I feel nothing different from our bond. We have melded together each day, and during intimate moments. I am at a loss to understand his current emotional state.

It is time to involve Dr. McCoy. They are scheduled to be here on Wednesday, however I believe I should contact him tonight.

The trial is going smoothly. Jim has voluntarily allowed it to continue, I at his side when they entered his mind. While still emotionally distraught, he perseveres. I see it in his eyes, feel it through the bond, as he attempts to put on a brave face for the multitude of Vulcans encompassing the court. Stobel is indifferent. The evidence laid out. The court should reach a verdict tomorrow and a sentence by Monday.

My father is off planet, on Earth, continuing his duties as Ambassador to Earth from New Vulcan. There have been rumors of a delegation meeting possibly coming at the end of this month. All interested warp capable colonies and planets not in the Federation may meet together with delegates and Ambassadors from each Federation species. There is a sixty five point three percent chance this congress will occur, and if so, the _Enterprise_ will be asked to be a part of it.

The summer has been very busy, and yet it still continues. Once the _Enterprise_ arrives after its repairs, the Vulcan scientists will disembark and be debriefed. We will head for Andoria per new orders from Command and the Starfleet Academy students will disembark for a short visit to Andoria and then return back to Earth for the start of the new school year.

Excuse me, Jim is asking for me.

*Spock holds up his hand in the ta’al* Live long and prosper.


	222. Transmission 2262.222

** August 10th, 2262 **

There has been an unidentfied attack on the _Enterprise_. It occurred earlier, while I was discussing Jim's current condition with Doctor McCoy. The transmission was cut off almost immediately and lack of further communication has raised the urgency of our return, however we do not know any information that would aid us. The Vulcan Council and Vulcan court are demanding we stay put, for the trial and to prevent further attacks. I do not find that logical. The _Enterprise_ had reached the Starbase and were undergoing repairs. That is the extent of my current knowledge on the who, why, where, what?

Jim is insistent we leave right now. I have only seen him this demanding three times - and each time was deadly serious.

I fear our position and for our safety at this time. And for the crew. 


	223. Transmission 2262.223

**August 11 th, 2262**

Got word that there were multiple casualties and Bones was injured. Barnett won’t let us go back to the _Enterprise_ because we aren’t done here, but I could care less. Fuck this idea of justice – Stobel had no chance to defend himself. I will find a way back to my ship with or without _permission_. They can do whatever they want to me. My duty is to my ship, my crew, and my bond mate.

SPOCK!


	224. Transmission 2262.224

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the extremely ominous posting and shitty word count. The weekend was the worst, yesterday wore me out (hello alcohol), and today I worked 11 hours, and then promptly wanted to die. So what do I do? Buy kitten stuff and see Guardians of the Galaxy for the third time.
> 
> BTW, keep the cat food high up and away from prying claws. I had the neighbor cat in my apartment last night and she found my bag of unopened kitten food in a cabinet at ground level (for when I finally get my pretty baby in less than two weeks), and I woke up at 5am finding it strewn across my living room floor *sigh* Just my FYI thing for the day.
> 
> And nope, still going to be a crappy post until I have more energy and less stress. So, tomorrow.

**August 12 th, 2262**

Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott here. For the eyes and – ouch, no, don’t pinch me, Keenser! – sorry about that, anyway – for the eyes and ears of James T. Kirk and his mother, Winona Kirk.

We were attacked while at a nearby Starbase attempting to repair Engineering. We were crippled. By who, we do not know. Half the ship is in pieces, and the other half is attempting to stay alive. The amount of deaths is – well, the injured still outweighs that number, at least. Engineering is barely passable as a unit, but the warp core is still alive. The attackers have left us be – but we do not know if they will return for another shot. Dr. McCoy was injured, Dr. Veron dead, and Dr. M’Benga holding his own with half the nursing staff at full speed. Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu commands the bridge.

Jim, stay safe. I know you want to come – god only knows you are moving heaven and earth right now. But remember, your duty is to Spock right now. We’re handling this. Winona –

“Mr. Scott.”

“SCOTTY!”

JIM, WHAT IN BLAZES ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

“Saving my crew. Spock, get to bridge and see if Uhura can get a line open to command, _now_. Ignore anything from Barnett and don’t even get me _started_ on T’Pau. Scott, Keenser – show me what I can do, and then explain, in vivid detail.”

Aye, aye, Captain.


	225. Transmission 2262.225

**August 13 th, 2262**

“Jim, you need to rest.”

I’m fine. I really – _I’m fine_.

“You have told me you are ‘fine’ every time I ask, and yet I know that you are lying. Your mind is unsettled, your emotions very turbulent, and you are beginning to need correction, even on simple things that I know you know how to do. You are suffering from exhaustion.”

Bones is in Sickbay, in a coma! THE ENTERPRISE IS CURRENTLY OUT OF COMMISSION. I CAN’T SLEEP BECAUSE THIS IS MY PRIORITY!

“T’hy’la, I will keep the work load moving forward smoothly. Trust me. I am not only your bond mate who cares, but your First Officer, who has a duty to protect you and serve you when you are not at your full potential. You cannot be effective in your condition. If you do not allow me to perform my duties, I will call Dr. M’Benga.”

Low blow, _Commander_.

“ _Jim_.”

OKAY, OKAY, HOLY CRAP, DON’T DO THAT, THAT HURT.

“Forgive me, I did not realize-“

Stop. Fine. I step down from command. You’re Acting Captain. However, I will be going to Engineering after I sleep a few hours. Scotty needs all the help he can get. And Uhura continues to investigate nearby transmissions to find out who did this. Did you talk to the Head of Security on the Starbase?

“They were unable to offer much information or help.”

Okay, yes, I’ll sleep.

Sorry, mom, I can’t remember what I was going to say. It’s been – difficult and hard working under our current conditions. We’ve lost a lot of power and are running only pertinent functions right now and communications is down more often than not. If Barnett is yelling, I haven’t had a chance to hear his screams from here.

I wish Bones was awake. God, Bones….


	226. Transmission 2262.226

**August 14 th, 2262**

Communications are slowly coming back online after a very long stint being off – over seventeen hours. Lieutenant Commander Scott and Captain Kirk have had to reroute power to necessary parts of the ship and the nearby Starbase. Help will be arriving tomorrow from a nearby ‘Fleet patrol from a much earlier distress call. I have been attempting to reach Command with no luck while searching for any clues as to our attackers. So far – nothing of priority has been found. I fear we may never know who attacked and why they attacked. We are nowhere near Klingon territory and they would not dare come this far into Federation space for a surprise attack like this – especially with no further advances and no further reports of unknown ships or parties in the nearby area.

If I had to take a guess, I would go so far to say that we may have encountered an enemy targeted at someone specific on the _Enterprise_ , for whatever reason, or Romulans.

Captain Kirk continues to ask the crew to function at their best and to find answers as fast as possible. He disobeyed Admiral Barnett’s direct orders coming back from New Vulcan. I figure the backlash will come when the _Enterprise_ is not in any further immediate danger.

Never a dull moment.

Uhura out.


	227. Transmission 2262.227

**August 15 th, 2262**

Heading to Sickbay. Spock’s got the bridge. Engineering is almost good as new – um, sort of. Anyway, I’ve got some exciting news. Hold on, hold on –

“JIM!”

BONES! Look, mom, he’s awake!

“What the hell happened?!”

Still trying to figure that out. You should be telling me what happened!

“Next time, I’m not letting you leave my sight! This wouldn’t have happened if-”

HEY! This time _you_ got injured. You had me worried, Bones! I came all the way back to make sure you were going to _live_. For now, I’ll save the ‘what the fuck happened’ line for after you get out of Sickbay.

“This has your name written all over it, bastard. Ow, what _did_ happen to me?”

Hey, hey, don’t get up. You hit your head trying to get to Engineering and then – well – the area you were in collapsed and –

“Three broken ribs, a punctured lung, a dislocated shoulder, and a head injury. Doctor McCoy, it is pleasing to see you awake.”

Spock. Look, the gangs all here!

“Hobgoblin. How pissed off are the admiralty at this little stunt you just pulled being here?”

HEY! Stop – Bones, they may be pissed, but that trial was ridiculous. Pretty sure Stobel was guilty from the start and it was just a formality. My ship is far more important.

“Communications have been down and we have not received any word from Command or Admiral Barnett in regards to the recent attack or the trial on New Vulcan. We did not miss much except the closing statements. We transported away from New Vulcan against the express wishes of Admiral Barnett, however in due time, I believe he will understand the urgency to return to the _Enterprise_. And Captain, the _Verona_ has arrived and has begun to inspect the warp drive with Lieutenant Commander Scott’s supervision. Captain Teresa Bernardo is currently setting up a patrolling system to protect the Starbase and the _Enterprise_ while we are incapable of defense and offense.”

Scotty’s like a mother with a baby. Thank you, Mr. Spock. And good. I’m still somewhat surprised our attacker hasn’t returned.

“The mystery continues to reveal little answers in our search, Captain. Might I add that Doctor McCoy looks very good for having just come out of a coma.”

“Shut up, green blooded hobgoblin. I’ll have you know – ow. Screw this. You two having any more problems? Anything I missed? I gotta check up on the other patients here-”

Bones, you’re still sick. Lie down and _stay_ down.

“You aren’t my doctor, Jim.”

“But I _am_. Sorry, Doctor McCoy, but you need to stay in bed for a bit. You only just woke up from a three day long coma a few hours ago and your need your rest. Your injuries are still healing, even after my medical intervention.”

Dr. M’Benga to the rescue. Listen to him, Bones.

“This is payback for all the times I grouched at you, infant! YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS.”

“I will leave you to your rest, Doctor McCoy.”

“Make sure we don’t get blown up again, Spock.”

“Of course, Dr. M’Benga.”

I’ll be back, Bones. Stay in bed.

“DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, INFANT!”

It’s nice to have him back with us.


	228. Transmission 2262.228

**August 16 th, 2262**

They won’t let me out of bed, but I’m doing this anyway. Something is wrong with Jim. I don’t know if it was New Vulcan or Spock or the trial or Stobel or _whatever_ , I need to figure out what is going on with him. He just – he is _off_. But he can’t stay still for five seconds and I’m not his doctor because they won’t let me be an actual doctor. This is maddening! No sensibility!

“Doctor McCoy, how are you feeling?”

Anxious. I need to get back to work, M’Benga, and you know that.

“Your ribs aren’t fully healed yet. You need another round with the bone regenerator. However, your vitals look good and I might allow you to get a walk in later with Chapel.”

Being the patient sucks. We need to drag Jim in here. Something is off. Have you noticed?

“Captain Kirk has been through a lot recently. The stress has multiplied, however there have been no complaints or concerns. Commander Spock and Captain Kirk appear in good health.”

I’m not talking about his physical health, but his emotional. Has he -

“Bones? Hey, you’re awake! How was your night?”

Jim – how do you feel? Have you been feeling moody lately?

“What?”

M’Benga, check him out.

“WHAT? NO. No, no, I’m _fine_. Just – ouch, stop that!”

“Just a neuro stimulator. Hold still, I’m scanning.”

“Bones! What is going on?!”

You’ve been off, Jim. M’Benga is going to find out what is up.

“It’s his hormones.”

Oh god. No wonder – fuck, I wonder if it’s the bond or – our latest mission. Fuck, we need to get to the bottom of this. M’Benga, let me work. I feel great.

“Doctor McCoy-“

“Hey! What does that even mean, my hormones?!”


	229. Transmission 2262.229

**August 17 th, 2262**

With the help of the _Verona,_ the _Enterprise_ is now fully functional and structurally sound. She is ready to head back into space. However, because of this unforeseen incident, we must head back to New Vulcan so we may relieve the Vulcan Scientists to their duties back on the colony and the Academy students must return to Earth within the next few days. We depart for New Vulcan in under an hour. Captain Kirk is occupied on the bridge, handling last minute transmissions between the Starbase and Command. Command is keeping our deliberate disobedience under wraps for the time being, so it seems. It has yet to come up and regular communication has been restored.

Subspace transmission investigation has yet to yield any clues as to who attacked the _Enterprise_. While Lieutenant has been working extremely diligently to find anything to further our investigation, we have no substantial understanding or evidence to support who or why. At this time, we are to head to New Vulcan and our investigation will be put on to those more capable of handling long term investigation within the ranks. Lieutenant Uhura’s skills are better suited for the immediate disposal of myself, the bridge crew, and Captain Kirk. We will continue to look into all avenues, however I believe we have less than a four percent chance of finding anything to aid us in finding the culprit. I – I regret that this seems to weigh heavy on my bond mate’s heart and his mind. I send reassurance and love through our bond, and support him. Our duty to each other as First Officer and Captain is not far withdrawn from our dedication to each other in a personal way, even though we continue to be professional when around others.

Doctor McCoy has brought it to my attention that he believes Jim is suffering from hormonal changes, however the onset and the cause has yet to be understood nor revealed. The good Doctor asked if Jim had seemed different to myself and our bond, however Jim has been functioning under a multitude of different stressors for the past three point six months. He has not had time to rest since he was brutally attacked by Stobel. Now that the trial is past him, I believe Jim will find peace. However, our bond continues to allow us to share intimate moments and his stress does find relief in our shared strengths. He relies on my calmness more often than not.

I will continue to observe Jim and our bond and keep you and Doctor McCoy updated.

Commander Spock saying good-bye for now, ma’am.


	230. Transmission 2262.230

**August 18 th, 2262**

Bones got out of Sickbay today. He’s still on rest, per M’Benga’s orders. Bones was seriously injured – he needs the rest! He would definitely be yelling the same thing at me. Ha. We’re even.

Headed back to New Vulcan. The Vulcan Science Academy starts its first classes today. I’m apologizing profusely to the VSA and the students currently still on my ship. We should be there in about thirteen point five hours, per Chekov’s calculations. With the _Enterprise_ damaged and the damn trial – deadlines were hard to keep. We shouldn’t have a problem with my students. Which reminds me, I have one last assignment for them - *Jim leans over and scribbles on a nearby PADD* There we go.

Anyway, Admiral Barnett had to head back to Earth shortly after the trial finished, and because of lack of communication, I’m sure had a prepared rant about our swift leave of the planet. Still haven’t heard a thing from him. It won’t be the end of _that_ issue, I’m sure. Komack wants to hang me by now, I’m sure. And through the grape vine, Stobel got sent to a penal colony of the Federation. While we weren’t there officially, the council stated that Stobel’s motives would harm others, and not just myself and Spock, and he could not be trusted to attempt again. Security level five penal colony – destination unknown.

*Jim yawns* Damn it, insomnia is back in rare form. Except, when have I ever not had insomnia?

It’s making Spock worry. At least, that’s what I think he is worried about. He’s being a lot more – emotional with me, if that even makes sense. I mean, Spock, in our private moments, let’s go and is just who he is to me. He’s _himself_ , a rare beauty of Vulcan and Human, emotional and telepathic. He loves it when I touch his ears and we kiss with our hands. *sigh* I don’t ever want this to end. I just hope I get to grow old with him.

Miss your voice mom. I should go round up my students for their last assignment. I’m gonna miss them. Very smart individuals. Can’t wait to have them on my ship as officers in the next year.

Huh, so, yeah. Live long and Prosper, mom *Jim holds up the ta’al* Love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this idea sucked from the beginning, and obviously my first entry was the worst ever. It had just sparked in my head on the very end of December last year before my Depression hit me in the head really hard and I wanted this to be an interesting, exciting thing. And I didn't want to give up. Not then, and not... not now.
> 
> I realize that no matter what I do, I will fail at writing. No matter the fandom or the topic. I feel hopelessly lost in my life - I'm a nurse, but I'm not where I want to be. I write because I love it, but I know I am awful at writing and - I'm still having a crap ton of issues recently with Kirk and Spock characterization. And it isn't for lack of trying - I might just need another POV/medium at one point to expand my exploration. I have so many ideas for fanfics as it is, and well - I get tired before I get to them. *don't become an adult, you will tire out easily! Blah, work*
> 
> But I've planned this thing out until December 31st already, and I really want to write Winona's POV in another fanfic that's connected to this one. I've found something where I write once a day and don't give up. And I'm not giving up. I'm just - depressed. 
> 
> The internet is a very cruel place, but it isn't without it's precious moments. I have friends, I have dedication, and I feel like someone cares. 
> 
> I don't say it enough on this fanfic, but thank you every one of my dedicated readers and all the comments you guys leave. It really, really, _really_ means a lot to me. I appreciate it more than you know.  <3 So thank you to Redford, Dragonsigma, Rosemanon, Bobdog54, and all you lurkers!


	231. Transmission 2262.231

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 I'm still digesting all your kind words from my last chapter. But, sincerely, thank you for not giving up on me. I won't give up on you *hugs* Thank you so much.

**August 19 th, 2262**

“Do we have to go back to the Academy?”

“I am perfectly fine staying a Cadet here on the _Enterprise_.”

“Danger at every corner – Spock and Uhura and Scotty and Doctor McCoy! I’d totally stay.”

As much as I’d like to keep every single one of you on as my crew, you still have a few more lessons to learn, a little more critical thinking to engage in, and then you can come back as Officers.

“But Captain Kirk, you could just promote us _now_.”

I’m pretty certain your teachers and the Admirals over me would hastily crush that idea into the hard ground, unfortunately. While I hate to let you all leave after such a riveting summer of ups, downs, heartbreak, and some other interesting things in-between – you guys aren’t going to miss out on your last year at the Academy. You have so much to more to learn and I’m not going to keep that from you. We’ve gone through a lot, but we have all persevered. Learn all that you can and apply back to the _Enterprise_. I will gladly okay your position on my ship at the appointed time.

“Are you okay, Captain?”

I hate for you guys to leave. You’ve been the best – the best students. But I can’t keep you here forever. There is so much more to life than – well, attacks by mysterious foes, the attempted murder of the Captain, telepathic aliens, and Vulcans.

“That’s what makes this ship so alive and so interesting, Captain Kirk. Because there is no set schedule to what can happen in 24 hours, let alone a week, or what will happen next. And you are a shining example to us all. We can tell you care deeply for everyone on your ship, and I hope to have that same spirit if and when I get my own command of a starship. I don’t want to leave. You’re a great teacher, and an even better leader.”

“It’s always fun working on real life stuff out in space than just in simulations. I felt those getting old fast.”

“God and now I have to face the _Kobayashi Maru_. Are you sure we have to leave?”

*Jim stifles a laugh* If I find _any_ of you as stowaways on my ship, there will be consequences.

“Drat, he figured it out!”

“But I won’t be a stowaway! Engineering needs me!”

“Uhura would take me in.”

“CHEKOV WOULD TAKE ME IN!”

HEY! I never said you could con my senior crew either!

“The Captain is such a Debbie-downer, Mrs. Kirk. Did you teach him nothing?”

Oh, you all are going to have to run three laps around the gym and then EVERYONE is going to Engineering to help Mr. Scott. GO, GO, GO!

“YES, CAPTAIN!”

Man, I’m going to miss them. Too much change in my life right now. Losing… losing control.


	232. Transmission 2262.232

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Promise I didn't forget! NEVER! Day was crazy, worked evening shift, and well, prior to that was trying to wrangle in one of my friends... *sigh* so I didn't have time until well, now. (Tomorrow won't be much better because I work a twelve, and Friday too. Oi)

**August 20th, 2262**

He stuck me back in sickbay, the bastard!!! States 'it's for my own good.' Apparently this hormone imbalance has to do with - has to do with _complicated shit_. *Jim groans and runs a hand down his face in frustration* My liver - this will never end, fuck it - and apparently my brain and some gland and my thyroid and - well, he kind of suspects I was poisoned by something. Maybe it's an allergic reaction? It certainly has to do with the physiological aspects of my body and not the mental aspects of my life. The bond feels great. 

Spock is - pushing his emotions down because he doesn't want me to know how much this is bothering him. Ever since this relationship started it's been one health disaster after another. Space is great - until it tries killing both of us.

And I - I guarantee the second one of us dies, the other will follow. I can't live without Spock. We're T'hy'la. And he - this bond and myself and what we are is what keeps him functioning at times. I see it in his eyes, in the quiet moments in our quarters.

We reached New Vulcan and I was supposed to meet up with Ambassador Spock, but Bones put me in isolation while he runs multiple tests. The bastard gets barely enough time to recuperate outside of Sickbay walls before barging into my health problems and taking me off rotation and shoving me into the nearest isolation room. I'm so pissed at him. I might go AMA - but I do feel pretty shitty right now. Something is definitely wrong with me. I want to eat salad and cry over baby Tribbles. Oh god.

Apparently this delegation meeting is definitely about to become reality and Ambassador Spock wanted to talk about how it would advance New Vulcan. Guess Spock got that duty.

_Captain, Ambassador Spock is on the line._

Patch him through to my PADD, Ensign. Thank you. 

Later mom.


	233. Transmission 2262.233

**August 21 st, 2262**

Andoria is our next stop – some field stop for the students, though I highly believe we’ll be taking them back to the Academy anyway. This meet up sounds like it is all a go, just hasn’t been given the official seal of approval, and knowing Command, they will be right on it.

Ambassador Spock just wanted to see how I was doing. At this point, miserable. Bones has been running a crap ton of tests. Mostly that my liver is fucked up and my thyroid is failing. No wonder I hate the cold recently. Been upping the temperature to Spock-appropriate levels. He never even questioned it! Maybe because I do that for him beyond being sick.

My students have been in and out in ridiculous yellow gowns laughing and trying to cheer me up. It’s the thought that counts, ya know? They are all finished on my end. Sent off their grades last night because insomnia! Spock decided to intervene and slept with me at about one in the morning and totally rearranged the schedule to stay well into alpha shift and take over during beta. So sweet.

I, at least, slept some.

“Jim-“

Bye mom!


	234. Transmission 2262.234

**August 22 nd, 2262**

“Jim, are you listening?”

Go away.

“Fuck, Jim, we arrive at Andoria in two days. If we had time to go back to New Vulcan, to find someone who could confirm this-“

I trust Spock and his judgment. He’s certain, even if he wants that second opinion by a Healer. And – god, we just went through this. And with everything the Ambassador told us – you know we don’t have TIME for this!

“These symptoms are hard to pin point in a Vulcan – how can he be certain it’s happening to you? Your liver is fucked up, you’re going to be on thyroid supplements for the rest of your life, and your insomnia is the worst in known history of mine since – the Academy! And he thinks because your hormones are out of whack that this is-“

MOM, SPOCK KNOWS I’M SHOWING PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF PON FARR! BONES JUST WON’T BELIEVE ME. I mean, FUCK, Bones, this isn’t normal. I feel hot and irritable and shit, what is concentration? And that just set in a few hours ago.

“Then we treat it like Pon Farr. Take Spock off rotation and let you two do your thing.”

But I’m HUMAN, Bones, with a half-human, half-Vulcan bond mate. We share a bond. This isn’t normal. Something is wrong. I shouldn’t – this shouldn’t be happening to me. We don’t know what will happen. My physiology isn’t meant to go through the motions of Pon Farr. _I DON’T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS RIGHT NOW!_

“When was your life ever simple, Jim?”

Good point.

Spock’s coming. He’s in the turbolift. He says he wants to talk to you, Bones.

“Oh great.”


	235. Transmission 2262.235

**August 23 rd, 2262**

This situation is a mess. I don’t even know how to begin to understand Jim and his – feelings and how it revolves around Spock.

I-

_Doctor McCoy, Doctor M’Benga is asking for your assistance in Isolation Room 3._

Shit, Jim.


	236. Transmission 2262.236

**August 24 th, 2262**

Acting Captain Sulu here, reporting in. Well – since Spock and the Captain are occupied, I’m just keeping ya updated, Mrs. Kirk.

Per our newest orders, we have arrived at Andoria. The Starfleet Academy students have disembarked for the day and are completing their final summer assignment. A few of the crew have gone planet side for family visiting or for a short few hours of shore leave. Majority of the crew are completing necessary updates and fine tuning of the ship prior to our next out-of-system assignment.

I never exactly expected our five year mission to be like this. It’s been a very interesting experience. I expected us to be out away from Earth for those five years, seeking new life forms and meeting new civilizations. But while we have done that, we’ve also continued to interact with New Vulcan and get round up for all sorts of diplomatic shit from Command. I can tell why Jim gets so frustrated. He just wants to get out there.

Of course, the whole ship knows Jim and Spock have a telepathic connection and it’s why New Vulcan has been such a prominent part of our lives as of recent. But, it has been very intriguing to see how they work together now with that connection. Still admire them. They are quite the team.

Back to the grind. Later, Mrs. Kirk.


	237. Transmission 2262.237

**August 25 th, 2262**

“Jim-“

Leave me alone.

“No. We need to discuss this.”

Then I’m making it a command. Leave me alone, _Lieutenant Commander McCoy_.

*Bones narrows his eyes* “Fine, _Captain_.”

Because I need both of them worrying over me and trying to pester me. Things are bad enough! Command wants to know what is going on and yes, our next order have come in.

You guessed it – a Federation gala and delegation with delegates, Ambassadors, and security, with the accompaniment of non-Federation peacekeepers who wish to know more about us. I can see the security nightmare already brewing. And I have been rightfully instructed to be chauffer as the Flagship of the Federation. Awesome.

At least it cuts half my job in half. Spock will love the science part of our mission, but it seems our diplomatic part is slimmed down a lot because of this.

I can only imagine the Klingons showing up. Shit.

I have a headache. Been somewhat occupied the past twenty hours.

I’m worn out. But, Sulu can’t be Captain for long. And I gotta read over these new orders again. Spock’s already compiling numerous reports for me to read. Uhura is on a language binge getting ready, and well, my students are sad they don’t get to come. Well, not on the _Enterprise_ , anyway. A few of them may get lucky with another ship headed that way.

We leave for Earth tomorrow, very early, to pick up Earth delegates and Ambassadors. We’ll meet up with Vulcan dignitaries too. The Andorian High Chancellor is already onboard. My hospitality is never ending.78pol

Oh, and I guess Barnett and Komack will also be coming along.

Okay, love you mom.

Planet Charlemagne, here I come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In other news, I am now the proud momma of James "Tiberius" Kirk! He's clawing at my PJ pants as I write this. :P
> 
> [](http://s203.photobucket.com/user/Backstreetboysrule6/media/tumblr_naukhedJef1rg2j5go1_500.jpg.html)
> 
> He's a bit crazy, but I love him already. 24 hours down, SO MANY MORE TO GO! :P


	238. Transmission 2262.238

**August 26 th, 2262**

Jim’s ignoring me. I know he’s stressed, but he has got to listen to me! Spock – that green-blooded hobgoblin with zero emotional capacity is doing NOTHING to help the situation. Just keeps doing science shit and keeping his distance. And after _that?_ No. No. This ends _today_. We’re about to go into a highly charged diplomatic assignment and neither of them are listening.

I have to go talk to them, and _now_.

“Dr. McCoy, do you have a moment?”

*Bones sighs* Of course, Uhura. What can I do for you?

“Check this schedule for the next few days bunking assignments. You’re going to want to read it.”

Wait, why are you – oh fuck no.

“Captain Kirk-“

I’M NOT BUNKING WITH ENSIGNS JUST BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO HAVE DIGNITARIES AND AMBASSADORS ON THE SHIP STARTING IN TWO DAYS. HELL NO.

“I’m just the messenger, Doctor.”

Tell him to fuck it. He can give up his _own_ quarters. Hell, I’d rather bunk with Scotty then Ensigns!

“That could be arranged.”

Thank you, Lieutenant; that will be all.

“You know he doesn’t hate you.”

Sure seems like it.

“Talk to him.”

He’s got to be willing to listen first.

And he’s not exactly giving me the time of day – that bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's that day of the year again - Chris Pine's birthday.
> 
> Now look at me.
> 
> *dead*


	239. Transmission 2262.239

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll tired of me yet? I mean, it is only day 239.... *and no one said anything yesterday.... thank you rosemanon for your voice :)*
> 
> Sorry this is so late. It was a long day and I accomplished zip. Mostly just rocked out to the Newsboys... again. I'd say my concert list is mighty impressive for this year :P
> 
> Anyway, away with the drama....

**August 27 th, 2262**

Apparently I get to mediate this colossal breakdown in communication. Let’s see if I can find them –

“THAT ISN’T THE PROBLEM. AND YOU KNOW THAT!”

“You won’t even let me TALK, JIM! And you, _Spock_ , aren’t saying ANYTHING. You two have some serious shit to-“

“EXCUSE ME? THIS ISN’T SPOCK’S FAULT. IT’S MINE. It is _always_ my fault. You don’t get to blame, Spock. That’s my problem with you right now. It’s ‘Spock this’, ‘Spock that’ – well put the blame exactly where it is. On ME. I take responsibility for all of my actions. I will NEVER give up on my crew. I will NEVER give up on Spock. I would NEVER give up on you, Bones, but you think I somehow have. Why, because we went into this without knowing all the risks? God knows we had no idea what we were doing – but what else did you want? So what, we’ve gone through Pon Farr twice now and Command is about to get whiff of the tension? Come on. My ass should have been sat down weeks ago. Shit, Bones, this isn’t new. Give me a little bit of credit for knowing how to handle this shit.”

“But you can’t. You are emotionally compromised.”

“Doctor, you fail to see the reasoning that _I_ am not emotionally compromised. It is not possible. Logic dictates that in every professional sense, I am calculating all risks and continuing to perform at top function. If I were failing in my duties, there would be consequences.”

“Don’t throw the ‘I’m Vulcan, I can’t be emotionally compromised’ shit, Spock. You _are_. And that – that stunt you both pulled a few days ago wasn’t okay. You two have to work this out. Jim gets sick left and right and Spock, you do nothing to _prevent it_.”

“How the HELL is Spock to prevent someone stabbing me when he’s in another fucking room?”

“Don’t even get me started on what was going on before that night, Jim!”

“God, Bones, stop bringing up the past! We are in the _here and now_! Can we focus on the damn assignment and Spock and I will deal with our bond with Dr. M’Benga? I love you, and respect your work, but you don’t know anything about Vulcans or the bonds they have. I trust you with my allergies and bringing me back from the dead, but this is out of your scope. You have to trust me on this.”

“So now you say it. You couldn’t have told me this then?”

“You didn’t ask, you just blew up! This has nothing to do with Spock and our communication. We’re – _we’ve_ been working on it. So just respect my choices, please. That is all I ask.”

“Fine, but this is far from over.”

“We must discuss presently the sleeping arrangements and the schedule of the diplomats and ambassadors – we arrive a Starbase 1 early tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you, Spock. Yes, please, let’s focus on the work. Can someone get Scotty? We need to also discuss how the ship will run. Can’t have any accidents on our way to Charlemagne.

Or maybe I don’t need to. They seem to have worked it out.

Well, my job is done.

Scotty the Scotsman _out_!


	240. Transmission 2262.240

**August 28 th, 2262**

Earth. What a sight. No one gets to get off, but the thought is nice. See that, mom? Hard to believe we haven’t seen it in a few years.

Ambassador Sarek just got on board. Spock is tending to necessary arrangements and making sure the science division is primed and ready to go. Ambassador Spock, Dignitary Malono, Diplomat Peters, and Ambassador Shraven will be on board within the next few hours. Apparently Admirals Barnet and Komack want to wait until we are just about to head out. Dicks.

Had to say good-bye to my students today. Not. Cool. Miss them already.

There is just a lot going on, and I know I haven’t been completely honest and haven’t told you what is all going on – but, I will. At one point. It’s just – Spock and I and Bones and the Admirals. The tension is palpable.

And this diplomatic thing is just going to be a ball. Bones is already going to hate the uniform he has to wear. Don’t we all?

Miss you, mom.


	241. Transmission 2262.241

**August 29 th, 2262**

Good-bye earth, here we come, Charlemagne.

Clear away the cobwebs and the tension – resolve the past.

This should be fun.

Later, mom.


	242. Transmission 2262.242

**August 30 th, 2262**

You’re sure?

“The answer is no, Jim.”

But it would be a fun experience! Seeing as we can’t have kids – this would be an excellent starter on our way to a family.

“A feline at this point and time in our life would be detrimental to our professional lives and our personal endeavors.”

How does that even work? A cat, who would just lounge in our quarters, would be ‘detrimental’ at this time of our lives? Seriously, Spock? That’s your answer?!

“We do not know the extent of the return of your allergies.”

Oh, that makes sense.

“And seeing as we are no longer within the vicinity of Earth, a feline pet would be eighty three point six percent more unlikely to find on the pathway we are traveling to Charlemagne.”

So it isn’t just because you don’t want one?

“On my home planet of Vulcan, I had a pet – I-Chaya, a _Sehlat_. Much like a human’s version of a ‘Teddy Bear’, I was very fond of I-Chaya. He died the year before I chose to join Starfleet. In hindsight – it was a blessing in disguise, considering Vulcan’s demise. _Sehlat’s_ lived long lives if tended to appropriately and did not encounter _le-matya_. I-Chaya was quite unfortunate in that regard.”

Oh, Spock, I had no idea. I’m so sorry.

“The past is the past. I perceive that a pet would be of great therapeutic relaxation for you, Jim. I will continue to meditate on the request. At this time, my answer is undecided.”

I accept that thought process, Spock.

Plus, we have Chekov. And he’s like our kid.

“Your reasoning is to be questioned, Jim.”

Psh, we baby everyone on this ship.

Now, you have dinner with your father and I was going to go wrangle in Barnett and Komack. Meet up with the Ambassador at 2000?

“As planned.”

Good. *Jim reaches out to Spock with two fingers outstretched* Love you.

*Spock mirrors the action* And to you, Jim, I cherish thee with much love.

Totally tried convincing him we should get a cat.

Not exactly my best idea for us, I know. Eh, we’ll see what happens.


	243. Transmission 2262.243

**August 31 st, 2262**

Isn’t this exciting? All the formality, the cleanliness, the POWER on one ship?!!!

Momma would be so proud.

I’m sure you’re proud of the Captain, Mrs. Kirk. He’s so – I look up to him, and Spock, and Sulu, and Ms. Uhura. Just – everyone. It’s not easy being the youngest, but they make me feel pretty welcome. It’s so much fun! And SCOTTY! The engines – well, he runs them, I _do not_. Last time I did that, well…. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty and Scotty can have them back without my arguing.

I just love exploring and the fact we get to interact with non-Federation species. So far we only have Federation dignitaries onboard, but that’ll change once we get closer to the planet. This is so exciting!!!

_Chekov, are you in there?!!_

Oh, Hikaru is looking for me. I gotta go. Later, Mrs. Kirk!

I’M COMING, HIKARU! BE RIGHT THERE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* who let September come THAT fast?! I swear August just started, wahhhhh


	244. Transmission 2262.244

**September 1 st, 2262**

A count of all the species on my ship at this time: multiple Vulcans, multiple Andorians, three Orions, two Betazoids who are looking to join the Federation, a Sherana, three Tirons, eight Tellarites, four Deltans, five Ardanans, and of course, the human population.

It’s a _mad_ house. Bones is harping on my ass for sticking him in with Ensigns on Deck F. If only he knew that Spock and I had been moved in with Chekov and Sulu – yeah. This is a fun mission.

Everyone is doing great. No mishaps, everything is running smoothly. Tonight is a huge dinner party with all the senior officers, delegates, dignitaries, and ambassadors onboard. We’ve picked up all our passengers, so we’re just heading towards Charlemagne.

One day at a time. Spock’s a little more willing to talk, Bones – well, he’s just irate about everything. We’re slowly learning to talk it out. We’ve never had this problem before – I wish I knew how to resolve it all without hurt feelings.

Wish I had your guidance, mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, September... wah?


	245. Transmission 2262.245

**September 2 nd, 2262**

Just another day.

Kind of.

“It is still another day. Another day of stability onboard the _Enterprise_.”

True, old friend, true. However, that disagreement between V’tror and the child Tellarite early this morning in the mess hall was an ice breaker for everyone. Last night was so stiff. How could you not feel the tension?

“With this many different minds and intellects in the same place, it can cause for either increased tension between the many species, or it can enhance. I believe we will feel much more enlightened in regards to our current endeavor to build the Federation and attract other members. I choose to embrace the upcoming delegation and gala, as it will advance the Federation in ways we cannot yet see.”

The idea is certainly enticing. But you know my diplomacy sucks.

“You are young. You are still growing and learning.”

What was he like? Did he have trouble with diplomacy?

“My Jim was older, wiser, but he had his fair share of learning curves to triumph. You two are not unalike, but you also have unique differences. You should not feel obligated to achieve what he achieved – the timeline has been altered and what we have is now.”

I know. I just feel – inadequate. Especially when it comes to this. Granted, we’ve done pretty well since starting on our five year mission, but this is the hardest part of the job for me. I just hope-

“He is here for you. As is Doctor McCoy.”

Yeah. Thanks, Spock.

“Would you like to play chess?”

That would be much appreciated.


	246. Transmission 2262.246

**September 3 rd, 2262**

Spock and I had quite the conversation with Sarek. My father-in-law is – at least he’s honest. This on the heels of our bonding, Pon Farr, and well – it’s been exactly a year since Spock and I officially declared ourselves a couple. To the ship. Obviously Command didn’t know until we were essentially married. Thanks Spock. Komack has been giving me the glare since he got onboard. Asshole.

Sarek examined our minds – the bond really – and well, he couldn’t express emotion because he’s too honorable for that as a Vulcan, but he did say we were mature and no ill effects were present. Which, I think means we’re okay – physically.

I’ve been a little more open with Spock and he’s been accepting. He says he has no ill feelings toward me and that we did what was expected of us. I asked him if he felt anything in regards to how our relationship has gone over the past few months, and well – my answer was pretty clear.

It was over our bond and he just – he loves me and doesn’t want any harm to come to me. He knows we’re young and reckless – seriously, his words! – and that we have much to learn. But we’re stable and _still_ whole.

Which, I think I understand.

I’m a genius in many areas, but relationships and love and _Spock_ are not my expertise. Give me a warp engine or a Klingon fight. Heck, diplomacy is not my expertise and here I am transporting dignitaries and diplomats to a central planet to meet up with non-Federation members and show the _universe_ what we can do and what we can _be_.

Spock and I are okay. Sarek is busy with his duties, as is Ambassador Spock. I should get back to the bridge. One day Sulu will get a day off – just, not today. Ha!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot thank you all for the comments and kudos and just overall LOVE for this daily vomit of Jim and Spock and crew. Seriously, I know I don't say it enough - thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!


	247. Transmission 2262.247

**September 4 th, 2262**

I’m going to kill Jim for this damn bunk assignment.

Sleep? What the HELL is that? I get better sleep in my office! All of this madness because of what? Diplomacy? I got more important things to worry about – like the injured in my Sickbay because some plant decided to infect half the science department with a stomach virus. Multiple Ensigns, four scientists, and one Lieutenant were affected. Spock and Sulu have been looking into what is going on, but it seems it was one plant and only Humans are affected. All dignitaries and Ambassadors have been isolated from the incident. So far, no one outside of science lab 2 who touched and worked with the plant has been affected and it doesn’t seem to spread through any means of contact. But I’m taking precautions.

Now if only I could find my on-duty shirt – this place is a mess! They don’t clean up, and there are about five more people in here than is NECESSARY, but this ship is full, and time is – well, it’s precious. And all of them are Ensigns, so they are subjected to room inspections by their department supervisors once a week. Obviously they either don’t care or clean up five seconds before that inspection. Space is just so tight in this place – I want my own quarters back, damn it. I’m going to fucking complain.

_Lieutenant Uhura here. How can I assist you, Doctor McCoy?_

GET JIM DOWN TO MY TEMPORARY BUNK ASSIGNMENT NOW. BECAUSE DAMN IT, JIM, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

_He’s been notified, Doctor. He’s headed your way now. He’s-_

Laughing his ass off, I know. I’m going to punch him. Doctor out, Lieutenant.

OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS? *Bones holds up an item with a look of distaste on his face.* WHO LET THEM HAVE BANANAS IN THEIR QUARTERS AND LEAVE THEM AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO DO THIS?!!! *He chucks it towards the door just as it slides open, revealing-*

“Oh – oh god.” *Jim attempts to stifle his laugh, but can’t.* “They took their orders seriously.”

DAMN IT, JIM! YOU DID THIS! YOU! *Bones picks up a nearby PADD and chucks it toward Jim*

“ALL IN GOOD FUN, BONES, ALL IN GOOD FUN!”


	248. Transmission 2262.248

**September 5 th, 2262**

Are the schedules out? Did Uhura-

“Yes, Captain, Lieutenant Uhura completed the rotations for the next fourteen days per our recommendations. They are on your PADD. You also have fifteen documents on each non-Federation species that will be attending. I advise you to read them completely prior to our arrival tomorrow at 1230.”

Okay, yup, light reading tonight prior to bed. I can do that. And good. How are the individuals in Sickbay?

“All but Lieutenant Xren have been released from Sickbay. Doctor McCoy believes he will be released before dinner tonight. All are on light duty until the Delegation begins in fifty three hours.”

Well at least they aren’t dying. We don’t need that. Okay, what’s next? How is Scotty? Chekov? Sulu? Rand? Belo?

“Everyone is satisfactory, Captain.”

All right. We arrive in twenty three hours. Let’s make the most of it. Can you get me –

“I will contact every Ambassador, Dignitary, and Delegate, Lieutenant Hendorff, Admiral Barnett and Admiral Komack, and arrange the meeting for 1600. You should at least read-“

I will, Spock, I will! *Jim kisses Spock and pushes him out of his ready room* Now I gotta read.

“I will check up on each department and message you statuses.”

Thank you!


	249. Transmission 2262.249

**September 6 th, 2262**

Sitting on the observation deck for five seconds. Spock is handling things on the bridge right now pretty well. And I’m _fine_ , thank you for asking. Reflecting? Yeah.

Well, that is Charlemagne. It is a K class planet that the Federation decided about four months ago to make it one of the top Research facility in Alpha Quadrant. It also has a huge community with multiple hostels and day retreats – so of course it made it the perfect place for a Diplomatic meet-up of Federation members and non-Federation members.

I have reservations about this. Ambassador Spock and my own Spock are the only people I’ve talked to about these reservations. Too many individuals who are unpredictable in nature. These aren’t just non-Federation members that we _know_ , but new and exotic species that we know nothing about. Of course this gives us a chance to learn their true nature – but we haven’t met them, never seen their home worlds, and don’t know what they can give the Federation, let alone what the Federation can give them in return. I believe there will be more hostilities than positive talks with this interaction.

Security will be high. I’m going to keep on alert. There are too many variables for this to go all wrong. I don’t want – well, what happened to Sam’s colony two years ago. That was – well, you’d laugh and said it was an exciting beginning to a mission. I was terrified!

All right, back to work. Love you mom. I’ll try to keep you posted as often as possible over the next two weeks.

Jim out.


	250. Transmission 2262.250

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiberius says hi, only cause he's made me re-write this chapter three TIMES TONIGHT. COME ON!
> 
> My kitten _soooooo_ lives up to his name, I shit you not :P
> 
> HUGE EXTRA THANKS TO [DRAGONSIGMA](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragonsigma/pseuds/Dragonsigma) FOR IDEAS ABOUT TODAY'S CHAPTER!!!

**September 7 th, 2262**

Hey mom, so, instead of just rambling on about tonight, let me show you some of what happened. I had Chekov help with the visual recording and stuff, especially while I was on stage, but well, let the gala speak for itself.

_Is it on?_

_Yes, Keptin._

_Okay, well, mom, Spock and I are in formal dress – Bones has been griping all damn day because he also was ordered to come to this shindig – and surrounding us here in Kloran’o Gallery are_ eighteen _non-Federation species. One even hails from Beta quadrant, shit you not. Not only just those eighteen species, but also a majority of each member of the Federation has shown up._

_This will be a welcome opportunity to gain respect through-out the quadrant and further from our current borders. It will be highly beneficial._

_And somehow I got picked to introduce the President._

_He asked for you personally, t’hy’la._

_I know._

_*visual fades to Spock and Uhura and a four legged horse-like creature speaking in a stilted sort of Spanish-like language, all conversing*_

_*translated* It is a pleasure to meet such kind individuals._

_We are much honored to make your acquaintance. I am Lieutenant Nyota Uhura of the starship_ Enterprise _of the Federation’s peacekeeping, exploration organization, Starfleet. This is Commander Spock, the First Officer and Chief Science Officer of the_ Enterprise _. We would be much honored to discuss your home world._

_*translated* From my study of humanoid species, you would enjoy it there. A tropical oasis of waterfalls, flowing grass lands and hills, and red flora. We are at peace with our nature. We worship all trees. Do you have such a thing in your Federation?_

_*visual fades to Chekov and Sulu standing off to the side, whispering*_

_I heard the Xeekls have two different sex organs per gender, and they have three genders! And they can all mate with each other!_

_That doesn’t top what I heard, Karu. You know how the Tonna’s are bipedal and look humanoid?_

_Yeah?_

_Well, they have only one opening – the one we see to speak with them – and it does everything. And they are pretty sexual. Except they don’t have any way to differentiate between mates. They just – do it._

_Huh. I’d be interested in-_

_BUT WHAT ABOUT ME, KARU? WHAT ABOUT ME?!_

_*fades to the visual jumping for a few seconds and then focusing on an empty podium where a crowd of well-dressed and very different identities milled about with drinks*_

_*Jim walks up the stairs and smiles as he takes the podium*_

_Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, xirs, and xems. It is a pleasure to be here tonight to support the expansion of the Federation and to familiarize each other with our highest levels of government and ingrain the knowledge of our resources. We are here for peace and prosperity._

_I would go on discussing the wonders of this gathering, however that is not my place. To each and every single dignitary, diplomat, and ambassador here; to each high-ranking official and military officer – thank you all for being willing to come together like this._

_And as I am grateful to be around to enjoy this gala and diplomatic conference with enlightened conversation, I wish to introduce someone of great importance. He has only been the head honcho for the past year and a half, but he has done much to ensure peace when we have experienced much strife between opposing forces._

_Without further rambling, may you all welcome and help me in giving the highest honor to the President of the United Federation of Planets, Mister Kenneth Wescott._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in a good mood tonight because you guys have seriously made this one of my most loved fanfics to write. The statistics for this fanfic are SO CRAZY AWESOME that they are just OUT OF THIS WORLD. Somehow, I did not imagine each chapter going to 29 people each and every day I post (and that's just this fanfic - 16 other? people get all my crap, I mean, wow man! WHY?!!! ARE SOME OF YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!! Kidding :P LOVE YOU GUYS!), but um - yup, 29 people have subscribed to this fanfic. Not to mention the KUDOS and the BOOKMARKS.
> 
> I CANNOT. 
> 
> EVERYONE HAVE COOKIES AND ICED TEA! (in the Star Trek Uhura glass from 2009... :P)
> 
> (I went off [Memory-Beta for the President of the Federation](http://memory-beta.wikia.com/wiki/Kenneth_Wescott), however it isn't strictly canon, and I am too lazy to think up another name. He's also human, which is somewhat disappointing. Life.)


	251. Transmission 2262.251

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks, once again, to [Dragonsigma](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragonsigma/pseuds/Dragonsigma) for her helpfulness in ideas for this chapter too! :P

**September 8 th, 2262**

Peace talks and a lot of panels

So, the real upside to this diplomatic security mess?

 _Bones_. You should SEE him, mom! He’s all oogling over other species physiology and learning new medical terms and cures and it’s like an exchange of information that just keeps GOING. I swear I think I heard him say he happened upon the cure for the cold. _The cold_ , mom. That stupid virus we haven’t managed to kick out of our system yet. How crazy awesome is that?!

And Spock. I can’t keep him away from the Buvarians. They have like – how to describe them. Okay, first of all – they are asexual, so the term they use is _groolar_. It’s like, their overall term for them. So, anyway, they have three antennas – one on their third leg, one just above their speaking mouth – they have two mouths, the other one is for digesting plant life and life bugs. It’s fascinating. That’s what Spock says. Anyway, and their third antenna is partly telepathic – so it comes out of their neck, which houses their central nervous system. Another exciting thing for Bones. And again, Spock, because of the telepathy. It’s open, but not invading. They actually can talk to Spock without actually _talking out loud_.

Spock blocks our bond when that happens so they don’t get to me. They can’t read my mind because of my psi-null status, even though Spock and I both know that our connection is far from _psi-null_. In terms of the Buvarians, yes, I am psi-null.

Welp, back to hosting ambassadors and dignitaries while learning about new species and civilizations!

Oh, I have lunch with Ambassador Spock in a few minutes. How did I almost forget?!

LATER MOM!


	252. Transmission 2262.252

**September 9 th, 2262**

“The next time I have to intervene, Jim, SO HELP ME-“

IT WASN’T MY FAULT. I WAS TRYING TO STOP IT! Did you seem Komack and Barnett’s faces when those three started throwing limbs and – ew, did I get excrement on my outfit?!

“I’m giving you anti-allergy meds because I don’t want to know what else you were exposed to. Damn it, Jim – you have more bruises than a leukemia patient!”

Tell that to that Ferengi. That bastard punched _hard_. And who the hell knew Andorians used their antenna to poke the fuck out of you? OW, THAT HURT! STOP TOUCHING!

“I’m trying to clean out this wound, hold on-“

Spock, tell him to stop. He won’t listen to me.

“Doctor McCoy-“

“Shove it, _Commander_. You failed to stop this infant from getting into the middle of that fight. You have no room to speak.”

Did you see that Buvarian? I think they were applauding the fight. I thought they were peaceful – I love that you want to torture me, Bones, but COME ON! Ugh – and that Trillo that just got in the way with xirs five legs and six external eyes. Pretty sure xir had more damage to xirs limbs than myself, Bones.

“M’Benga is handling it with other physicians and teachers that are in attendance. My priority is _you_ , Jim.”

“From reports coming in from multiple sources around the conference, Captain, the Ferengi involved angered multiple different individuals of several species because of his deliberate unwillingness to adapt culturally.”

He insulted them. Great. Well, it isn’t exactly unexpected, no offense, in a place where there are new and unfounded cultures – but jesus, that was a fucking brutal fight.

“He had the ability to learn and discuss unknown cultures with those around him. He was not without the necessary resources to avoid such an incident.”

“Spock, you realize that not everyone is as educated as you are when it comes to these kinds of things, right? Culture appreciation and respect and all that?”

Bones, Spock sent around a whole PACKET worth of information on this conference. However, it wasn’t perfect on the cultural side of things, considering we didn’t know all the species showing up. Now, be nice.

“Infant. You got into a fight.”

I tried to _stop_ it.

“Captain, might I advise that we focus on your healing so we may rejoin Ambassador Sarek planetside?”

Yes, yes, I know.

“Now hold still, Jim-“

BONES, THE BRUISES WILL HEAL ON THEIR OWN, DAMN IT.

“INFANT!”


	253. Transmission 2262.253

**September 10 th, 2262**

The conference is going really, really well. Other than yesterday’s fiasco of a bar-like fight – even though someone threw excrement, but there WAS at least one bottle. It’s how I got my wound on my arm, see? *Jim shows off a bandaged right forearm.* Overall, no other incidents and I think the Federation is going to come out on top.

Weirdly enough, and I was just thinking about this, there has been no hint of a Klingon _anything_. We’re not all that close to the Neutral Zone, but I mean – wouldn’t they feel somewhat threatened by this type of meet-up? Yeah. Guess we’ll see what happens, if anything. They always seem to appear at the most unexpected times.

_Jim, you in there?_

Yes. Come on in, Bones.

“This place is a disaster. Spock is not this messy. Jim-“

I was looking for something. Ambassador Spock gave me something prior to leaving on our five year mission, and I can’t find it. I might have misplaced it when Spock and I moved in together. I swear I’m not usually this messy in here.

“I came to talk to you about him. Well, actually, he wants to see you, but-“

Hold on, I haven’t updated my mom- *Jim is seen throwing a blanket on the bed and forcing open a hatch in the bulkhead.* So, Ambassador Spock fainted earlier this morning at the conference and Bones has been checking him out. I’ve been involved with panels and discussing the _Enterprise_ with dignitaries, so I haven’t had a chance to see him yet. What’s up, Bones? Is he okay?

“Jim, you might want to sit down.”

What? Why? I haven’t found – okay, he gave me an important pendant of his, and well, we all know I don’t wear jewelry, but I know it meant a lot to him and-

“Jim, he’s not doing well. He wants to see you. He’s got what M’Benga terms as choriocytosis. It isn’t good.”

What the hell does _that_ mean?

“He’s dying, Jim.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiberius finally ate this morning and seems to be back to his normal self. We didn't go to the vet a second time. I feel a lot better now that he is better. Also, coming right up: Sept 11th chapter.
> 
> Also, Choriocytosis is a REAL Vulcan disease.


	254. Transmission 2262.254

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you missed it, Sept. 10ths chapter is up! IDK how the whole email system works, so just wanted to make sure you guys knew that before reading this one. Thanks for sticking with me! I should be back onto my regular ONE A DAY posting. Yesterday was a fluke of a day.

**September 11 th, 2262**

Spock. Spock. _Spock_.

“Yes, Jim?”

I’m just – I’m not into this today. Would you mind taking over my two meetings? I know you already have a full plate with science panels, but-

“T’hy’la, I will gladly accept your work. I am Vulcan.”

And you’re just totally into doing my work and your work. Hand the con off to Scotty. Sulu is doing a flora and fauna panel today, and Bones is – Bones is with M’Benga and the Ambassador in Sickbay. I’ll keep you updated on his condition as often as Bones keeps me updated.

“You should not fret, Jim. If you need me, I will be accessible at all times.”

“Do not hesitate to contact me.”

I know. Now, can I have a kiss before you leave for the transporter room? I miss _us_. And with the Ambassador ill – _I can’t lose you, Spock_.

“You will not lose me, Jim. I am here. The Ambassador is of an elderly age and has been through much in his life.”

Yeah, but – it’s just _awful_. I don’t want him to die. Bones is working on some sort of cure or something to help him breathe easier, but I find it really hard to watch. I can’t get the image out of my head that that could be you in the future.

I know that, Spock. I know that we’re young, but I mean – look at me, I’ve already died, and how many times have we come close to death? You and this ship and its amazing crew are my priority. I need you all. I feel – lost.

“You have expressed this emotion before. If there is anything I can assist you with, Jim, do not hesitate to ask.”

I just want – safety. And now with Spock sick – I feel like our past is about to change forever.

“The past is already been determined. It is the future that is undetermined.”

But he’s part of our past. And now he’s – dying.


	255. Transmission 2262.255

**September 12 th, 2262**

I can’t – focus. It is just not my week. Admiral Barnett keeps comming me, trying to get me down to the planet, but Spock isn’t doing great and just a few minutes ago I found the pendant he gave me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m currently acting Captain because my Spock is on the planet.

I’m headed towards Sickbay. Bones alerted me that – he’s just not doing well, mom.

“There you are.”

Bones – what? How is he? What can I do?

“Jim, listen – it’s progressing rapidly. Far more rapidly than the expected progression of the disease. It’s rare, but it’s obviously not going to take long. I put him on oxygen and M’Benga and I are working around the clock to find a suitable cure or even something to slow the cells from starving to death so fast. We’re monitoring him closely.”

Oh god – can I see him?

“Go on in. Just remember that he isn’t going to look well and he needs that oxygen. Understand?”

Yeah, yeah. Shit. Thanks – thanks, Bones.

“Jim – if you need anything, I’m here for you.”

Yeah, yeah.

*Jim slips through one of the doors into an isolation unit*

“Jim.”

Hey, how are you feeling?

*Ambassador Spock attempts to sit up in bed, an oxygen field obvious around the head of his biobed.*

Wow, wow, let me help. *Jim helps ease Spock into a sitting position* Ya gotta take it easy.

“Doctor McCoy is… is very much the same as was my own. And I am all right.”

Lying doesn’t help. I know the reality. *Jim takes a seat in a nearby chair, takes the outstretched hand in his.* I found it, finally.

“You *cough* brought it?”

*Jim reaches into a pocket and pulls out a large circular pendant, a Vulcan insignia on the front* I know when you gave it to me you told me what it says, but I can only read it in Vulcan. I forgot what it means.

“ _Let'theiri_ means ‘Peace’. I received that after my failed attempt at kolinahr. They were trying to, so to speak, encourage me to still find that inner peace and logic, devoid of all emotion. I do not believe I would have ever reached such emotional control. I was heavily influenced in that regard by my own Jim.”

*Spock begins to cough and struggle for breath*

What can I do?! How do I help?! I’ll get Bones.

*wheezing* “No, I’m – _I’m okay_.”

You shouldn’t talk so much. It takes away from your ability to oxygenate your body.

*Spock smirks as he comes down from his coughing fit* “You worry far too much.”

You’re just insufferable. Now I sound like Bones, god.

“No matter what happens to me, hold tight to that pendant. In the darkest of days, it may prove to be exceedingly enlightening. Along with my counterpart. He is your guiding light, my friend. Do not let go.”

Never, Spock. Never.

*Spock smiles and his eyes close, his breathing settling into an uneven pattern*

Please, please don’t leave me. I need you….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To escape replaying my car accident over and over in my head last night, I focused on Jim. And Spock. And Prime Spock.
> 
> God's got a funny way of hitting me upside the head. What for, I don't know :/ I'm okay. I'm sore and my car is not drivable at all, and my parents are out of town, but hey, I'm alive. I'm still around at my apartment to write this. 
> 
> ANYWAY - back to regularly scheduled programing :P


	256. Transmission 2262.256

**September 13 th, 2262**

The Denobulan Ambassador has just shared with me a fascinating research project that is being currently engineered by two Buvarian, a Vit, and an individual who is of the ever elusive species, the Nadoel. They are researching into how to go to warp without actually having a warp core. I believe I will have to stay close to this research project. I am not in engineering, however the advancement of technology in our time is highly extensive and fascinating to follow.

The conference continues to run smoothly. No more incidents between fellow Ambassadors, dignitaries, diplomats, or others who are in attendance. Official declarations of true desire to join the Federation occur in forty nine point six hours. Over eight species and civilizations have already begun the process and the acknowledgement of their request will be signed here. Likelihood is that the _Enterprise_ will be a part of the ‘fleet of ships that head to these worlds to greet the civil community and to finalize their admission into the Federation. The work ahead of us will be long, tedious, and dangerous. However, Jim will be up to the task. He is a strong Captain and his diplomatic side can be strengthened with this type of assignment.

The immense size of this gathering is most intriguing. I-

*Spock pauses, seeming to be listening to something, or someone, even though no one is seen.*

Excuse me, Jim is reaching for me through our bond. I have a personal matter to attend to.

Mrs. Kirk.


	257. Transmission 2262.257

**September 14 th, 2262**

*Jim sits in front of the screen at the terminal in his quarters, the lights off, his face the only thing illuminated. It’s obvious he’s holding back a shit ton of emotions, except he is also – blank.*

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to show him what I was made of, how he mattered to us, how, even in changing our lives and futures, he still embraced us for who we were. God – I can’t – I’ve been crying all over Spock, physically and through our bond, for the past twenty three hours.

*Jim visibly sags and a choked back sob is heard* He’s gone, Mom. The elder Spock is gone. Just like that. Just like – like _me_.”

*The door into the room opens and light streams in from the corridor. A shadowy figure steps in, allowing the light to fade back into the bleak darkness*

It’s not okay, it just isn’t.

“Jim?”

*Jim’s head whips around.*

Mom?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've reached the exact moment that has been in my head for months. Yes, this was unfortunately planned from the beginning. A little suffering is good for the soul? Or in Jim's case... well, it's just kind of _worse_. Come back on the 15th to find out what's in store for mommy and son :)


	258. September 15th, 2262

**September 15 th, 2262**

At half past five in the morning, the stillness of the ship would be a sign to anyone that the world was right and there was no reason to fret. But Jim knew better. He knew what the stillness meant to him that morning with his tired eyes unwilling to close as his mother’s even breathing ghosted over his neck, her arms lax as they held him close after a night of crying, tears, and memories. The stillness that morning meant a piece of him was missing. Meant that, in just short of forty minutes, the ship would come alive with activity and excitement as the prospects of new members of the Federation dawned on the immediate horizon and Jim would not be there. He was mourning.

Just after Ambassador’s Spock’s untimely death, Jim had named Sulu Acting Captain and demanded Spock’s presence. It had only been twenty four hours after the fact when Winona showed up at Jim’s doorstep, looking to comfort her son in his loss. She’d done this before – ran from her post for him. She had only done it once before – when word got around that he’d gone into a warp core and _almost_ died. But she had known better. No one came out alive. What miracle had brought her son back to life was kept shrouded in secrecy – but he was alive, and that is what counted.

She feared no consequences. She had multiple bones to pick with a few Admirals, and her stance in her continued dedication to Starfleet and the Federation kept her in good standing, even after suffering from debilitating depression from the loss of her husband. She was one of the few individuals in Starfleet who basically outranked the Admirals in fierce personality and dedication – but continued to hold onto the title of Lieutenant Commander. She technically had been promoted numerous times and was currently a Commodore, but she didn’t flaunt it. Jim knew. But she preferred only to pull out that rank when it was absolutely needed. She hadn’t needed to since becoming one on the eve of her son’s rise to Captain of the _Enterprise_.

Now Jim couldn’t sleep, even though he was surrounded by the two people he needed most. His mother had fallen asleep somewhere along the way after Jim’s tears had fallen silent. It was such a joy to have her here with him. And then of course, Spock, his perfect sounding board in any crisis. He was seated beside the bed on the floor on a meditation mat, his hands resting on his knees, his breathing even, eyes closed.

Jim feels the weight of his loss. He’d been there, at the elder’s Spock’s side, when he’d drawn in his last shuddering breath. It hadn’t been pretty. Spock had struggled for over ten hours to breathe, his blood cells ineffective in getting oxygen to his body, his heart faltering, and his chest aching from the work of breathing. He’d refused intubation and the oxygen field had only done so much. Pain medication dulled the pain and the struggle, but it had seemed minimal in relation to the horror that was Spock’s fight to breathe. Bones had done everything he could, but the condition had onset rapidly and then rapidly deteriorated the Ambassador.

At half past five in the morning, the comm. awoke the room with its loud racket. McCoy’s voice echoed across the room. “ _Jim?_ ”

Jim struggled into a sitting position, gently removing himself from his mother’s hold. “Awake. What’s going on?”

“ _I just wanted to tell you that M’Benga finished the ceremonial procedures. We contacted New Vulcan about any next of kin, however he seemed to have stayed pretty recluse. We can’t get a healer here at this time – Sarek said he would help however we needed him too. At the moment, his body will stay in Sickbay until the funeral. His katra – um – well, he apparently had no Will and we don’t have an appropriate healer. Suffice to say, we’re out of time._ “

Jim sighed. He’d been worried about that. The katra was Spock’s soul, his essence. And it hadn’t a chance to be transferred back to New Vulcan. It would be lost – and everything that was Ambassador Spock of another universe entirely would only be known in the memories of those who had known him. _Like myself_. “Thanks, Bones, for the update. I-I understand.”

“ _I know your mother is there, Jim. Is she up?”_

The body behind Jim shifted and a yawn escaped. “Good morning to you too, Leonard.”

_“I got shit to pick with you, but that can wait. Make sure he eats, okay? I won’t have him fucking up his system any more than I know it already is about to become because of this. It’s a damn tragedy, that’s what it is.”_

Winona chuckled. “Yes, Leonard,I will make him eat. Don’t worry, I’m just as much his protector as you and Spock are. Not to mention, Spock’s here too.”

“ _Badger him. Damn hobgoblins. I gotta go. Got a physical to perform. McCoy out_.”

The comm. went dead and Jim groaned from where he sat, his body visibly sagging as he replayed the news in his head. “We lost his katra. God, that’s… no…”

A gentle nudge in his head alerted him to Spock’s release from meditation. _T’hy’la, it will be all right_.

 _This loss is – insurmountable, Spock. I feel – lost. I don’t think I’ve found myself for a while now_.

“Jimmy, baby-“ Winona placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it. “We should talk. Over breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You have not eaten in fifty two point eight hours. You _must_ ingest sustenance, or I will report you to Doctor McCoy for intravenous nutritional supplementation, along with hypodermal medications.” Spock stood from his meditation mat, eyes trained on Jim’s weary face.

Jim sighed. “You two aren’t fair.”

*

Breakfast was a quiet affair. Jim didn’t really want to talk, as much as his mother continued to encourage him. It wasn’t until they had cleared away the remnants of their shared breakfast that morning did Jim finally inquire into something nagging at the back of his mind.

“This all happened so fast, it’s just so surreal. I don’t get it though, how did you – know? How did you get here? You were in deep, deep space, mom.”

Winona set her cup of coffee down, smiling at her son from where she sat across from him on the couch in Spock and Jim’s shared quarters. “You have a very dedicated crew, Jimmy. They contacted me and got me here the fastest way they knew how.”

“And you came because-“

“You needed me. I know you have Spock, bless your heart for dealing with this one Spock, but you still needed a motherly figure with you. I figured the second someone very close to you passed, you would need me. Not to mention all the transmissions you’ve sent me this year. I’ve enjoyed all of them. I felt all your emotions. I am so grateful that you have Spock by your side. You have chosen well, Jimmy.”

“But you couldn’t be here when we bonded. I wanted – damn it. I wanted you to experience that with me. Now this is all just overshadowed by death. I don’t know if I can plan a funeral. I can’t-“

“I and my father will handle the funeral arrangements, Jim. Do not fret about what is not in your control at this time.” Spock set down his tea on the table nearby and sent calm and love through their bond, hoping to give Jim the reassurance he so desperately desired.

“Hmm, speaking of your marriage, Jim. You haven’t had a Terran ceremony. Unless it happened sometime after the 1st of September. I hadn’t received those yet by the time Lieutenant Uhura contacted me to get me here in haste.”

Jim looked up, perplexed. “Huh, we haven’t. But Sam-“

“Can witness everything via a transmission. He’s busy making a family as it is.”

“I married two crew members last year. But I’m Captain. I can’t marry myself.”

“We currently have two Admirals on board, Jim.”

Winona smiled. “And Komack owes me a favor. If anything, I’m a Commodore – I outrank both those bastards. I’d do it, but I’d rather force Komack to do it.”

“That’s almost devilish, mom.”

“He started it.”

Jim smirked, but it quickly dissolved into a crushing weight of remorse. “A wedding and a – a funeral. Fuck, that’s… awful. And he didn’t even – Spock would have-”

Spock’s hand found its way into Jim’s, squeezing it tight in a show of recognition. “He bonded us fully. He missed nothing.”

Winona nodded, smiling at her son. “It’s going to be okay, Jim.”

“It’s just not fair. Not fair… It shouldn’t have been like this. He had so much more to do, to see.”

“T’hy’la,” Spock spoke, caressing his bond mate’s fingers. “My counterpart lived a long life, had seen much in his time, both in his own universe and in ours. He felt no regrets, I know that, and I believe it. He is – he’s in a better place.”

_But I wasn’t ready._

_I am here for you, Jim. No matter what occurs_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1540 words, WOW MAN! This was a difficult style to revert back to after being stuck in Transmission mode. Blah.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	259. September 16th, 2262

**September 16 th, 2262**

“I call this meeting to order. As you all know, we have important things to accomplish today. In light of that, most of you know already that Ambassador Spock’s funeral will be held in three days. I notified all necessary channels and higher ups. Ambassador Sarek will head, as we do not have a suitable healer within reasonable distance. You are all welcome to attend.”

The room was still and silent. Beside him on his right sat his bond mate, First Officer, and Chief Science Officer, Spock. On his left was his Chief Engineer, Scotty. Around the table in Jim’s ready-room sat his Chief Communications Officer, his navigator, his Chief Medical Officer, his Chief of Security, the ships temporary counselor from Andoria, and his Helmsman. They had been called for a brief but urgent meeting early that morning, prior to any panels and meetings down on the surface of Charlemagne.

Jim had a lot to discuss – but he needed updates first.

“I know we’ve all been enjoying the cultural aspect of this meet-up and the anticipation of new Federation members, but I would like to remind you all that respect is key. I heard an Ensign just on my way here talking inappropriately about a Buvarian. Please remember that we are all guests on Charlemagne and respect is the least we can offer to those we certainly don’t want to piss off. Just because the Klingons aren’t here doesn’t mean we can’t make enemies.”

Every head nodded and Jim nodded back at them. “Before we get to the true heart of this meeting, I need updates. I’ve read a scattering of department reports, but they don’t give me the clear picture. Work a little harder. We want to come back to Earth with knowledge and information that we can use again when we are sent out to home world’s to begin initiation of any of these species membership into the Federation. Spock, would you start with the Science division?”

And that’s what they did – sharing information, jotting down notes, and speaking up about each area of their expertise in regards to new species and even other knowledge learned while experiencing panels and conference meetings and meals surrounded by different cultures.

When finally the last individual had finished, Jim shifted in his seat, giving each of his senior crew direct eye contact before moving onto the next and then finally ending on Spock, holding out his hand for the _ozh'esta_.

“As you all know, Spock and I are bonded. It means we are married. Command is currently watching us in our command abilities as a married couple. That is beside the point in this case. My mother is on the ship for a limited amount of time and we have not had a Terran ceremony. You are all invited to this ceremony tomorrow afternoon. But that invitation is opened to the whole crew and discrete ambassadors and dignitary down on the planet. No, I have called you all together this morning because I need your help with wedding preparations.”

There were a few gapped mouths and one _huge_ smile. Uhura was predictable with her smile. Bones managed to start chuckling, which got everyone to break the stunned mood.

“Congratulations!”

“I’m sooo desiring the cake.”

“FLOWERS!”

Jim glanced over at Spock and recognized the sign of welcome pleasure. It was – odd at such a time, but it was very much adorable.

 _I love you_.

 _And I you, t’hy’la. I see that this will go off without any barriers_.

 _That’s the hope_.

“And I will be officiating,” Winona spoke up from behind Jim, smiling down at her son, placing her hands on his shoulders. “It’ll be a grand time.”

For the rest of the hour, the room was buzzing with wedding plans. And that’s what mattered the most at that time – for Jim and for Spock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ozh'esta = finger embrace (Vulcan kiss)


	260. September 17th, 2262

**September 17 th, 2262**

“I have no idea what to say! This is maddening. Who thought this was a good idea?”

Their shared quarters were strewn with multiple PADDs and Jim’s favorite – actual _paper_. Most were crumpled into balls and thrown haphazardly as Jim sat at the desk, eyes narrowed and eyebrows furrowed in frustration. He was never going to get this done in time – heck, he could have had _years_ or even _months_ to write this and he still would be antagonizing over it right then.

“I give up,” Jim groaned, throwing a PADD onto the bed from where he sat.

“Jim, honey, listen to me.” Winona had stood from the couch, walking the few steps to wrap her arms around her son’s shoulders. “Speak from your heart. Spock doesn’t care what you say – he’s got you in here,” she gently tapped his head, smiling at his reflection in the nearby terminal. “This is just a formality.”

“But it’s in front of the whole crew. _My_ crew. Don’t they advise against this kind of thing? I mean, Spock and I are joined at the hip professionally – and I mean, yes, now by a bond – but this is like taking it a whole other universe. And –“ Jim suddenly stopped, his expression pained. “He doesn’t get to see us exchange vows.”

Winona hugged Jim hard, letting go to move around and face him directly. “And yet he was so proud of you. He’s with you in spirit, Jim. And you know what you’ll say today. You love Spock. Your heart loves him. Your mind was perfect for him. Don’t let this seem like the _Kobayashi Maru_.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “You can stop bringing that up, ya know.”

“Mother’s duty to antagonize the son. Speaking of which, Sam sends his regards. Oh, and –“

Jim scowled and threw another piece of paper at his mother’s head. “ _No._ ”

“DON’T BLAME ME!”

“YOU OUTRANK THE ASSHOLE!”

Winona managed a smirk and a giggle. “Doesn’t stop him.”

“I DIDN’T INVITE HIM!”

“You know I said he owed me a favor.”

“MOM! NO! NO ADMIRAL KOMACK. NO ADMIRAL BARNETT. NO ADMIRALS!”

* * *

The observation deck had been transformed. The chairs had been rearranged to face towards the huge window that allowed anyone in the room to see the stars, the planets – to see _space_. In this case, as the _Enterprise_ orbited Charlemagne, the view was either of the planet or the stars and blackness beyond.

Today, however, the view was the last on anyone’s mind. It was beautiful, sure, but they were there for another reason.

A wedding.

Spock calculated that eighty three point three percent of the crew had found a place inside the observation room to sit or stand in anticipation of their exchange in vows; he also calculated that another six percent were down on Charlemagne watching from a terminal and that the last nine point seven percent of the crew were watching from their stations while on duty. Jim didn’t doubt it for one second.

Jim tugged at his collar, hating for the millionth time their formal wear as officers of Starfleet. It was scratchy and he was pretty sure he was partially allergic to the fabric, but there was no way he was telling Bones that. He stood next to Spock near the back of the Observation deck, watching as people mingled and talked, excited whispering echoing all around them.

They were just waiting on three important people – Uhura, Bones, and Winona Kirk. Uhura had taken on the job of maid of honor for Spock and had gotten right on the flowers, the announcement to the whole crew, and the lovely corsage that both Jim and Spock had pinned to their lapel. With Winona’s help, they had managed to get the one flower that Jim didn’t sneeze around – the Tulip – and Jim’s was yellow while Spock’s was red. In the past, yellow Tulips had represented the idea that the individual was hopelessly in love, while red Tulips were a declaration of love. While they had not exchanged the flowers, they were still meaningful to each other.

Bones, on the opposite side of the spectrum, was just there to be the witness signature of the actual piece of paper signifying them married in the eyes of the Terran government. As they were already bonded and married in the Vulcan sense, they were already considered married by the Federation. Becoming married under the Terran government was a formality, as Jim was human and Spock half-human. Bones was just along for the ride, really.

And last but not least, Jim’s mom was the officiator and she was mildly important to successfully completing the ceremony.

“She’s late.”

Spock reached out and ran his hand down Jim’s arm, sending love and support through their bond. “Be still, ashayam. She will arrive.”

Jim sighed, tugging once again at his collar. Maybe it wasn’t the fabric, but the heat. Or – or – Jim was going _crazy_ , he was pretty sure.

Without another passing moment, the door slid open and revealed the last three attendees. Uhura rushed over and hugged Spock and then crushed Jim in the same show of love as Winona winked and walked down the aisle to her spot at the front. Bones looked mildly pleased with himself for standing in his own formal uniform _not_ bitching like he usually did.

The music from the band – someone who played the flute religiously and another individual who had a drum – started and Uhura and Bones were headed down the aisle.

Jim looked over at Spock and smiled, holding out his arm so they too could start walking.

The whole _universe_ seemed to be watching. That’s what Jim thought as they walked down the aisle towards his smiling mother and a ridiculously happy Uhura, her arm still latched onto McCoy’s.

Once they reached the front of the assembly, the band quieted and all that could be heard was breathing. Winona put a hand on each of their shoulders and squeezed.

“Welcome everyone to this joyous occasion. It was somewhat unexpected and a bit hastened due to time constraints and unfortunate events, but we are here now to celebrate the joining of two fine individuals. It is my privilege to be marrying my own son and his bond mate, the finest Command duo Starfleet has ever had. I won’t prolong the inevitable – I will allow each of them to speak their vows. You both have the rings, yes?”

Jim reached into one of his pockets and extracted two plain gold rings, one that was the perfect size for Spock, the other the perfect size for himself. He handed Spock the one for Jim’s finger and smiled as Spock accepted.

Spock had agreed to start.

“I am no good with emotions, but there is something about you, Jim, that allows me to feel content and to desire your presence no matter the time of day. I am grateful for your love. We are bonded and will be married, and there is no desire to turn away from that. You are my t’hy’la. Though we are tested and tried, we will persevere.”

Jim smiled, feeling like he was going to cry. _I love you_.

“Commander Spock, do you take Captain James Tiberius Kirk as your husband?”

Spock gave Jim a long look until he finally managed to say, “Yes.”

Jim sent a nudge through their bond, laughing internally. _Silly, if you said no, we’d be screwed_.

Winona smiled and nodded at Jim.

He cleared his throat, feeling it stick from lack of hydration and from the nervousness. “Spock, I know I’m imperfect and human and I know we’ve been through a lot together, but I just want to say you are the love of my life and I couldn’t see another future for myself. Marriage changes nothing. We’re together forever. Thank you for allowing me to show myself. I love you so, so much.”

Spock sent Jim a sweet mental hug, a whispered _always, ashayam_ evident. Jim could feel the tears. Damn the emotions, he was _happy_.

“Captain James Tiberius Kirk, do you take Commander Spock as your husband?”

No hesitation. “Of course.”

Winona smiled, looking first at her son, and then at her son-in-law, and finally glancing towards the crowd. “It is my dearest pleasure to announce you married in the eyes of the Terran government, husband and husband, partners joined by true love’s kiss. You may kiss.”

Jim had planned this since the beginning. They had briefly discussed it, but now it was time to show the world what they were to each other.

Spock held out his hand in the ozh'esta as Jim did the same while leaning in, their fingers meeting at the same time their lips did.

The happy cry of cheering was _deafening_.             

* * *

Any ideas of a honeymoon were out – Jim and Spock had too much to do as First Officer and Captain as of late that their next shore leave would just have to suffice. Which was probably a good thing. Jim was still reeling from something go _right_ for once.

Except, of course, the good-byes.

“Short lived, I know. But my little ship won’t run much longer if I’m gone forever,” Winona remarked as she stood inside Transporter room 3. She’d be transported to Starbase Forty and then hitch a shuttle to another transporter which would ultimately get her to her small exploratory ship way out in deep space.

Jim frowned. “But we need you?”

Bones smacked Jim upside the head, laughing. “You’re a grown up, infant.”

“Leonard that was quite the oxymoron.”

Jim rubbed his head, swearing under his breath. “No kidding. Why are you even in here?”

“And I’m not allowed to say goodbye to your mother?”

Winona chuckled. “Calm down, boys.” The door into the room opened and revealed the one and only Spock. “Ah, Commander, so welcome of you to join us.”

Spock stayed passive as ever as he found his place beside Jim. “I did not except to miss your departure, Mrs. Kirk.”

She smiled. “Always so formal.”

“Transporter destination locked, Captain.”

Jim nodded. “Thank you, Liuetenant.”

Winona opened up her arms and embraced her son, hugging him close. “You be good now. You’ve got a wonderful partner, Jim. And keep sending me those transmissions. I’ve grown used to binge watching them over a few times. I’m sure when I get back there will be more. Uhura is excellent at her job.”

Jim hugged her back, feeling incredible loss at her impending departure. “My crew is the best.”

She kissed his forward and let him go. “I love you. Don’t forget that.”

“I love you too,” he whispered as his mother turned to Leonard and said something completely unintelligible, which got Bones laughing.

The last person she turned to was Spock, and she gave him a stern look before proceeding to smile and hold up the ta’al. “Take care of my son. Don’t hesitate to call if something goes awry. And I know because you are Vulcan you won’t forget what we talked about, but seriously – _don’t forget_.”

Spock just nodded, responding in kind with the ta’al.

“Try not to get injured too often, Jimmy,” Winona teased as she found her place on the transporter pad.

Jim huffed, “I don’t do it on purpose.”

“YES HE DOES!”

“Oh hell, Bones, NO I DON’T!”

“Lieutenant, you may energize.”

Winona smiled as she watched her son and his best friend bicker and her son’s bond mate nod in farewell as she dematerialized back to her lonely world.

But it wasn’t so lonely – she still had Jim’s transmissions.

 _I’m so proud of him_.


	261. Transmission 2262.261

**September 18 h, 2262**

Jim’s spirits were very much lifted by your presence. Thank you for giving him the time he needed. I regret not being of useful help emotionally, but it has not been easy to lose my counterpart. Watching Jim – it did not make the situation easy to handle. Jim has been handling more Captain Duties as I shift into helping my father with funeral arrangements. He recognizes what the elder Ambassador meant to us, as much as he knew that he was a father in blood and surrogacy to the Ambassador as in any universe. To die out of your own timeline – is a fascinating conundrum to meditate on.

The conference continues and we approach the official end. Nine different species have signed on to become members of the Federation. It is truly a grand moment in history we have chosen to be a part of.

May your journey continue to be fulfilling.

Live long and prosper, Mrs. Kirk.


	262. Transmission 2262.262

**September 19th, 2262**

_*Silence permeates the room as a crowd stands, facing a solemn looking Ambassador Sarek, his hands held open at his sides, facing forward in the Vulcan mourning stance._ *

_"We are gathered here today to say good-bye to Ambassador Spock. He left no Will, but his katra lives among us, giving us peace and long life through his death."_

_*Murmurs rose as each individual took to remembering the late Ambassador.*_

_*Commander Spock steps up to the raised platform, his hands raised in the ta'al. He faces his father and his father gently places a hand on Spock's meld points.*_

_"Memories are sacred. As we embrace these memories as a joined community, may we gain solace in what time we did have before his passing. Kaiidth."_

_*Each individual in the room bowed their heads. In the back row, Jim is seen, tears freely flowing.*_

_"Let'theiri."_


	263. Transmission 2262.263

** September 20th, 2262 **

Miss you mom. Feels emptier without you here. I know you had to leave and Spock's been great - there is just something about moms. 

Love you.

Things are okay. Not great - the funeral yesterday was - god, I don't think I've cried that much since Pike died. And Spock - I think he was breaking emotionally. We talked and I know how much it affected him.

It's hard on all of us.


	264. Transmission 2262.264

**September 21 st, 2262**

Today the conference came to an end. Ten civilizations agreed to going through the motions to join the Federation. I was hoping we would pass all the diplomatic work on, but nope. Still gotta work on it.

The reports coming in from the last few panels and workshops down on Charlemagne are something – all excellent reads. Everyone is so excited with all the new information they’ve gained. I know Bones was grumpy about attending and his bunk assignment, but he’s lightened up. His nurses have been all over him about new treatments and possible cures. Science and exploration and _space_. It really is so EXCITING!

_Captain?_

Yes, Commander?

_Admirals Komack and T’nhara are requesting our presence in your ready-room._

Ohhhkay then. I’ll be right up.

That’s strange. I can only imagine what they want. We – well, we haven’t received our orders for our next stop yet, but I assume we’ll be headed to one of the up and coming members’ planet at one point. Amazing how we expedited that process with one conference.

Excellent. Just excellent.

Later, mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life. sucks. -_-


	265. Transmission 2262.265

**September 22 nd, 2262**

One _more_ false move and they’ll separate us. Just because I care more about my damn ship than some Vulcan who stabbed me.

My priorities are straight, DAMN IT!

Spock, don’t you even dare. You and the _Enterprise_ and all on her are _my_ sworn responsibility!

Gah, he won’t let it go. Sometimes this bond is great – and now it’s just a two way communicator of him trying to be _logical_. I love him and all, but I know what I did was right, regardless of whatever Command wants to do to us. At the moment, we are on a three week probation. If nothing happens in the next three weeks – ha, they obviously don’t realize the risk of this five year mission – they’ll lower us to another six month probation. If anything comes up on their radar, the bastards, straight to Starbase Eighteen, where Komack and Barnett will be waiting. They’re doing a security check and some other things there for the next three weeks.

They make me so – so – ANGRY!

SPOCK, NO.

Damn it, I’m so frustrated right now.

Gotta get back to the bridge. We’re on route to the Buvarian home planet. They wanted their membership expedited.

Fuck. I just – we’re screwed. We’re married and the greatest Command team in the ‘Fleet, and they are going to attempt to destroy us.

I cannot.

Spock, whenever he – oh for the love of god. We’re just going to have to talk about plan B.


	266. Transmission 2262.266

**September 23 rd, 2262**

Game plan.

Don’t get into any fucking disasters.

Even though that is just highly unlikely. My reputation is just speckled with shit.

*Jim sighs*

Or we go with Plan B.

Because no matter what, I’m sticking with Spock. And he agrees, thankfully. We’ll resign and walk away. Go to New Vulcan and Earth. Find a way outside of Starfleet.

I just hope it doesn’t come to that.


	267. Transmission 2262.267

**September 24 th, 2262**

He’s driving me insane. WINONA, WHY DID YOU LEAVE?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know who would say that...


	268. Transmission 2262.268

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE A NEW CAR!!! A Nissan :D

**September 25 th, 2262**

The Buvarian’s home planet is just on the edge of Alpha and Beta quadrants. Alpha quadrant has been explored seventy six point three percent and Beta quadrant has been explored three point eight percent. It is expected that multiple planets have gone undiscovered, especially the expanse of space that reaches over two hundred light years between the edge of Alpha quadrant and Beta quadrant.

The Buvarian species is most pleased to be the first to be brought into the Federation, especially by the flagship through Starfleet. I have heard via Professors at the Academy through my science research communications that over three hundred age appropriate Buvarians have already applied for acceptance. As a Vulcan, I express no emotion towards this development, but as a Scientist, the potential is gratifying.

Jim is focused heavily on his work at this time. I can feel his grief over my counterpart’s loss. It is strong. He has been closer to me in our personal moments. I appreciate his closeness.

_Commander?_

Yes, Ensign?

_Your experiment has finished early._

I am headed to Science Lab 2. Thank you, Ensign.

My duties occupy me.

_Sochya eh dif, k'war'ma'khon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sochya eh dif = peace and long life
> 
> k'war'ma'khon = family (extended) – not genetically related, but still family. There was no real translation to mother-in-law or what not.


	269. Transmission 2262.269

**September 26 th, 2262**

We have safety measures for a reason. Yes, I’m reckless, we’ve learned that, recognize it, promptly _ignore_ it at this time. But the rest of my crew are expected to follow the rules and obey the safety mechanisms in place to prevent this from happening.

One of the plants in Science Lab 2 – well, it _blew_ up.

While Spock was in there.

Two Ensigns were working on how to mate two of its kind when the sap dripped onto an unprotected table while they were carrying it, and there is now a _very_ impressive hole in deck 16. Spock’s in a healing trance and one Ensign has burns over thirty six percent of their body.

And the auxiliary mess hall, where most of the Engineering personnel take their breaks, which is just below Science Lab 2, now has five tables turned to ash and a multitude of chairs.

Thank _god_ there was no breach of the hull.

I felt the bond shake and then Spock was out like a light. There was no warning. The damn plant just dripped once and my Science Lab is now in repairs for the foreseeable future of _forever_ , as we are currently still headed towards the Buvarian home planet.

Bones, for once, has nothing to chide me about. He’s just berating the Science department on carelessness.

And so am I.

Excuse me while I get back to getting to the true bottom of this. We get to rewrite new protocols now. So much fun. And now my Chief Science Officer is out for the count for a bit.

*Jim throws up his hands in frustration.* WONDERFUL.


	270. Transmission 2262.270

**September 27 th, 2262**

Just got off a transmission with Komack. They’re looking into this incident closely. _Because of Spock and myself_.

It had nothing to DO WITH US! I’m still performing my duties, holy shit. Spock’s still in Sickbay getting dermal treatments for another few hours and then he’ll be let out, and I’ve only been by to see him once this shift.

And yet they want to blame us because a couple of Ensigns were dumb and let explosive sap hit the floor of _my ship_ and blow a nice hole in part of it.

Do my reports tell the Admiralty _anything_ useful or is it just rambling messes to them when its regulation and to the point?

I do everything they want, I do shit by the book with some creativity, I attempt not to my crew _killed_ , and I’m still under their scrutiny. I thought they trusted me with this ship, with this _mission_. FIVE YEARS. FIVE.

And yet every time I turn around, it is one thing after another of rebuking and well, slapping my wrist, so to speak. I’d rather they just strung me up and casted me out a fucking air lock with the way they treat me.

And they can’t leave Spock alone either. He does _nothing_ wrong. Yesterday he was just in the wrong place at the – wrong time.

I need to check up on him.

Um, we’re still headed for the Buvarian home planet and all other departments and functions are running smoothly.

The Science Department is – in need of a revamp. Bless Spock’s logical heart, but I don’t want this type of accident to happen again. We started looking at the protocols early this morning. We got a lot to work through.


	271. Transmission 2262.271

**September 28 th, 2262**

Spock’s out of sickbay. And he promptly put down my idea for a pet once again. This time I suggested a hamster in a cage.

Apparently anything with _fur_ is a bad idea because we have no idea what my allergies are at this time. Bones hasn’t had time to test anything out unless I have a reaction by accident. We’ve been a bit – busy. Maybe after this diplomatic destination.

Maybe we should get a snake.

He’s still say no to that one.

I’m at a loss.

But hey, I have Spock. That’s at least _something_.

And now he’s demanding my presence in our quarters. Hmmm, we happen to both be off duty –

Excuse me, mother.


	272. Transmission 2262.272

**September 29 th, 2262**

“Captain-“

 _Commander_ Spock. We met and interacted with the Buvarian Ambassadors while on Charlemagne, and we gave them the highest respect for their culture. I fail to see how much more I have to learn when logically, I have already learned from the highest official on their planet. And they respected us. You’re going to have to try harder.

“You have not been in the presence of the population, only a select few who were taught for the exception of the conference. The population is much more immense and particular in regards to their customs and greetings. It is expected that the _Captain_ of the _Enterprise_ would be knowledgeable on the population _prior_ to arriving at their home planet.”

How is it much different from their Ambassadors?!

“They are of commonplace and are separated from the highest officials in regards to their type of religion. They hold different values and beliefs. The Ambassadors came as a sign of peace and greeting to the Federation, however we must learn to integrate the whole population. The Ambassadors do not speak for the whole population.”

God, it sounds like politics back in the 21st century. Okay, fine. What do I need to learn?

“I have uploaded everything there is to know about the Buvarian main population on your PADD. Also, three quizzes and four learning objectives for you to ponder and come to understand prior to our arrival within the week.”

Now I’m being _tested_? Spock we’re no longer in the Academy!

“Your previous track record of going into any situation without all the given knowledge is a grievously high percentage, Captain. The Admiralty do not want this diplomatic connection to fail. You are expected to perform at your peak, and I will not let you fail. Not as your First Officer, and most definitely _not as your bond mate_.”

Okay, now you just make that sound sexy.

“Captain-“

YOU ARE SO HARD TO PLAY AROUND WITH, SPOCK! LIGHTEN UP!


	273. Transmission 2262.273

**September 30 th, 2262**

See this PADD mom? See all the one hundred percent for each quiz? Yeah, this is going to be living proof for the fact I DID MY HOMEWORK.

It is now four in the morning and I switched myself to beta shift because of this dumb studying. Spock better be proud, so help me!

Now I’m going to bed with nightmares about knives, four armed animals, antennae, and live bug eating.

And some weird torture device. How do we know this shit about the Buvarians, again?

Hmmm, Spock might be onto something.

Oh, sorry, our bond. He’s in a meeting with the gamma shift Science Team and going over protocols. He’s just interrupting my train of thought.

I need sleep.


	274. Transmission 2262.274

**October 1 st, 2262**

Let’s check my messages.

Two requests to transfer from engineering into Security – apparently my Ensigns and most of my crew would rather be on a Security detail. They like Hendorff, _a lot_. Heck, so do I. So we poked fun at each other way back in the day. Respect has been earned.

I also have _five_ requests from two Lieutenants, two Yeomans, and an Ensign to get a new room assignment. They all have different rooms. With different roommates.

*Jim bites his lip as he moves his finger across the PADD in his hand a few times* There, they have all been accepted – everyone has moved over one room and one assignment within those five requests.

I’m fair, but come on.

Don’t worry, I factored in shifts and preferences.

Now I have three reports from departments, a protocol for the Science department to read over and discuss with Spock tonight after he get off shift. We need to approve something soon.

Even though one of my science labs is still destroyed and will likely stay that way until we can get back to closer Federation civilization. I know the Buvarians are about to become Federation members, but… I don’t think their resources are fit for the _Enterprise_.

But I bet I’ll be proved wrong.

Back to the real world.


	275. Transmission 2262.275

**October 2 nd, 2262**

Wow, Uhura just sent me like, fifteen old transmissions from you, Mom! Prior to your stop by the ol’ homestead.

Okay, you know what I mean.

“You make it sound like she’s been away from you forever.”

No I don’t, shut up Bones.

“Just saying. Plus, did you even listen to what she said in that last one? ‘ _Stop getting into trouble, Jimmy!_ ’ were her exact words, if I remember right.”

Just because shit happens on missions like these doesn’t mean they are always my fault.

“Except they usually are.”

WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!

“We talked about this, Jim! I came here to check up on Spock – who seemed to have skipped out, that damn hobgoblin – and to see how you were feeling emotionally. You’ve been-“

I’m doing great, Bones. Promise. Spock and I are on good terms and man, can you believe the se-

“DO NOT GIVE ME THAT MENTAL IMAGE!”

I totally thought that would prompt an STI check.

“I do those when you’re out cold in my Sickbay. Plus, Spock’s never had intercourse with anyone else. You, on the other hand-“

So, I’m not getting any from him, but-

“He’s clean. Stop asking. I also came by to bug you about the planet rotations when we get into orbit in a few days.”

We should do that. Good idea. Let me grab Chekov. I told him this time I’d teach him a few tricks I have in regards to crew rotations.

“You spoil that boy.”

Captain’s duty.

_HEY CHEKOV!_


	276. Transmission 2262.276

**October 3 rd, 2262**

The Keptin is a very busy person.

“In fact, he is _so_ busy today that he asked _us_ to report on the day’s happenings.”

Hikaru, what happened in the mess this morning?

“Oh, Ensign Chambers and Lieutenant Hendorff got into a punching fight.”

The Keptin was SO MAD!

“I would be too! I mean, your best Head of Security and another Security officer getting into a fight. That’s not exactly smooth sailing.”

I heard both of them ended up on probation in the brig.

“The _empty_ brig.”

*both Chekov and Sulu snicker*

“What else happened, Pavel?”

Well, once the Keptin handled that mess, Lieutenant Peters was reporting a failure of the dilithium crystals while Mr. Scott was off shift and well – now all of Engineering is on a rampage.

“Sounds like a mess of a day.”

But we haven’t stalled, even though we had those troubles with the dilithium crystals.

“We’re still headed to the home planet of the Buvarians. Might want to brush up on your bowing techniques, Pav. They do _a lot of it_.”

Don’t remind me.

“Ma’am. Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu, signing off.”

And his lover, Ensign Chekov, Pavel Andreievish.

“God, I love you.”


	277. Transmission 2262.277

**October 4 th, 2262**

I’m so ready for this.

No, no I’m not.

I love space. I love meeting new civilizations and exploring new worlds and just being where no one has been before. But I’m also _terrified_. What could go wrong? What is _going_ to go wrong? Who could get hurt? Did I choose the right people to transport to the surface first? Is Bones going to be able to handle a disaster if it comes to that? How will the population accept us? _Will_ they accept us? Are we going to be able to complete this mission without any incidents? Will they allow us to do our job?

Am I going to come off as professional?!!!

Spock seems to think I have little to worry about. Easy for him to say, he’s Vulcan. I’m human. I freak out about everything.

And what’s worse is, I freak about _this_ in private. I want everything to go off without a hitch. I have read everything. I’ve memorized it. As much as my crew seems to believe I do things half assed and without thought, it is usually all about improvisation and careful attention to detail. I don’t like to give away my secrets, nor do I want to set anyone off. I balance the playing field, so to speak.

A lot more questions go through my mind. But they can be really hard to sort out, especially right now.

We reach Butrov’o II tomorrow morning. The home planet of the Buvarian species. This civilization has three worlds. All three have completely different climates, cultures, and weather systems. The landscape is so different on each planet, their evolutionary tendencies have almost made one of the worlds a completely different subset of the Buvarian species – except the language. It’s all the same to them.

A very complex and intriguing species.

 _Nothing_ will go wrong.

I hope.

Spock is just going to keep reassuring me in my mind that it will go smoothly.

It’s comforting, but how does _he_ know? Aren’t I the one who does this to him most of the time?!


	278. Transmission 2262.278

**October 5 th, 2262**

Standard orbit, Mr. Sulu.

“Aye, aye, Captain.”

“Receiving a hail from the planet, Captain.”

Patch it through, Lieutenant.

"Captain, you did read the information I sent you, did you not?”

Of course, Mr. Spock. *Jim stands as the screen flickers and he bows at the waist, holding his hands out with the palms up in a sign of submission*

“Your respect is taken with gratitude, Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the _USS Enterprise_ , a pristine Constitution-class starship of the Federation.”

*Jim smiles as he stands tall, standing at parade rest with his hands in front of him, further respect of the culture he is interacting with* And may I come to never disrespect you, Holder of Power, Victorious Prime Minister Mattria. It is a pleasure to be orbiting your home planet after such a peaceful gathering at Charlemagne.

“My counsel has been expecting your arrival. Please, beam down at your leisure and we will give you the grand tour.”

We’ll be down soon, Victorious Prime Minister Mattria.

“Until then, Captain James Tiberius Kirk.”

*Jim bowed again in farewell, the screen blinking off. He stood, stretching.* Okay, everyone, we’ve been given the go ahead. *Jim punches a panel on his Captain’s chair* Attention _Enterprise_ , this is your Captain speaking. Landing party, please head to Transporter Room 1. All departments and stations, begin your rotations per this diplomatic welcoming survey. Kirk out.


	279. Transmission 2262.279

**October 6 th, 2262**

Smooth sailing. Everyone is doing well and the Buvarians are actually a fantastic species and would be a great asset to the Federation. Overall, it’s been a good first impression here on Butrov’o II.

My anxiety has greatly decreased.

Seriously, I’m feeling awesome.

Unfortunately, my lunch break is over. Gotta go tour the agricultural lands. Spock’s joining up with me. Good quality talk-behind-their-backs time.

KIDDING!


	280. Transmission 2262.280

**October 7 th, 2262**

What exactly _was_ said, Lieutenant?

“I’m still working on the translation, Captain. I-I’m having a hard time getting the syntax right. I know what I was _trying_ to say.”

Your effort is commended, Lieutenant, but as far as the Buvarian Mining Community believes, we’re trying to _steal_ from them and not work with them in an agreement for their resources to be shared among the Federation. Which is why I need to know _exactly_ what was said to reverse the statement. You’ve tackled hundreds of languages and performed admirably, even today. But please, don’t make me fix this on my own. I think my back is going to break from all the bowing. And the antennas are going to give Spock a coronary if not a lapse in mental shielding.

“Of course, Sir, I will not step down from helping resolve the issue. Their words for mining and taking are too close together. I only had a week to really study the language-“ *Lieutenant Uhura is seen furiously scrolling through a PADD*

Okay, well, Jabora is requesting our presence. We should probably explain what happened. Seeing as we’re still seen as outsiders until the welcoming ceremony is performed next week, we have to be careful. Attentive.

“I know, Sir.”

Back down to the planet.


	281. Transmission 2262.281

**October 8 th, 2262**

Issue resolved.

“I fail to see how you regard the issue resolved, Captain.”

Spock, it’s resolved. We came to a mutual understanding and agreement.

“And in the process, Lieutenant Uhura was -“

No. No, no, no. Spock, _no_.

Can we just let this go? I want something to go right for once. We can do this, damn it. We’re not dumb, we aren’t inferior, and I talked to her. Issue _resolved_.

“Of course, Captain.”

Now, can we talk about the ceremony for next week? Who’s going to be involved?

Also, we need a projection on when we’re leaving. Command contacted me this morning asking.

“I have sent inquiries to most of the senior crew. The Buvarians have a vested interested in the medical crew, so I have sent out a bulletin requesting volunteers. I cannot give an estimate on when we will be leaving, Captain.”

No, I know. Okay, good, we’ve the wheels turning at least. *Jim sighs* Diplomacy. I still need help in it.

“You have learned much in your few short years as Captain, Jim. Do not lower yourself to something below of which you are not.”

You say the nicest things. I love you.

“And I you, ashaya.”


	282. Transmission 2262.282

** October 9th, 2262 **

Nothing ever goes as planned, damn it.

Fuckity fuck _fuck_ FUCK!


	283. Transmission 2262.283

**October 10 th, 2262**

Of course it had to happen on Federation Day. The crew gets a little relaxation and _BAM_! The Buvarians decide someone’s been disrespectful.

Bones and Chekov have been arrested. Charges really notwithstanding, but I’ve already had a discussion with Prime Minister Mattria and their Chief of Prison Industry, Chief Pamsla, about said charges, and yet they are fully in agreement with each other that my two officers will be held accountable by Buvarian laws, seeing as the Buvarians are barely a few days away from Federation entrance. Basically they are saying that if they had already been Federation members, they wouldn’t have been arrested.

And yet Starfleet members are Federation citizens, so they still have some protection. What that protection is, I don’t know. Mattria and Pamsla promise the full gauntlet to get to the bottom of this incident. I’m just worried about not knowing enough about their justice system. Starfleet’s already got a JAG headed this way, but it’ll take them about four days at high speed and a few transporter trips. In that time, Spock and I are going to be busy learning all we can. We learned about science and medical and agriculture, and their own culture, but their justice system seemed to slip through the cracks when we were learning about them at the conference. Mattria told me that it is one of their sole prized systems on their planet.

What actually happened isn’t being discussed. Which is apparently a part of their code of justice. The actual charges don’t come out until the trial. At least they have trials.

So, basically I have no idea why my CMO and navigator were arrested, I don’t know what conditions they are being held in, and I don’t know anything about the Buvarian justice system.

Spock’s already reading up in their library system on the planet, with two guards carefully watching him. Apparently we are still seen as strangers and they are weary of any diversion. They don’t want us affecting their laws.

Well, it’s affecting _my_ crew.

I have another conference call with head of Starfleet. I just hope this doesn’t turn into a interplanetary incident because of – of – I don’t even _KNOW!_


	284. Transmission 2262.284

**October 11 th, 2262**

Spock, do they have any laws or rules or _anything_ about visitation rights with prisoners?

“Law 6.1.3 under the Justice System provision states prisoners may not have visitors and may not discuss their case with anyone, including legal representation, until their trial.”

Damn it. So I have no idea what conditions my two crew members are even living in? Do you not find this situation sketchy? I know we have to respect their culture, but they must be behind the times with how totally _inhumane_ these laws are.

“They are not human, Jim. They have created these laws to fit their lives and their culture.”

Except they are showing zero appreciation for joining the Federation in just a short few days and two of my crew members are stuck in unknown conditions until who-knows-when because their case hasn’t been brought before the Prime Minister. Which can take anywhere between four days and _eight weeks_.

“Your concerns are applicable, Jim, however we must follow their laws. We must continue preparing for the ceremony. They may be awaiting the induction of Federation laws to expedite Doctor McCoy and Ensign Chekov’s case.”

I just – don’t even know what happened or why they were arrested. We’ve been nothing but respectful and cordial. And their laws are mysterious. It’s hard to adjust to their viewpoint when it comes to _my_ crew.

“We will continue to investigate.”

Thank you, Spock. You give me peace of mind.

Hopefully this can be resolved without – bloodshed. That’s something to be worried about.


	285. Transmission 2262.285

** October 12th, 2262 **

"Sir, if I may speak freely?"

You may, Lieutenant.

"I am very worried about Pavel, and Doctor McCoy. Not knowing why they were arrested nor what conditions they have been placed in and when their trial is. This whole situation is-"

Uncomfortable and uneasy. I know. I have been in constant contact with the Prime Minister, but he isn't giving me any information. I am trying my hardest, Hikaru. A Starfleet Justice representative is on their way and I am doing my best. We just need to keep focused on the initiation ceremony and remember that this civilization is about to become Federation members. As we aren't there yet, we have to follow their rules and laws. 

"I realize that, Captain, but do we know anything in their status? This cannot be humane."

I said the same myself oddly enough. The Prime Minister did say they were in healthy condition. A physician is always on hand. What for, I do not know. Buvarians do not know Human physiology, and Bones hasn't had enough time learning about their physiology. So, really, we're as much in the dark as before.

"He means everything to me, Captain. Just like how you mean everything to Spock and vice versa. He didn't do anything disrespectful or wrong. There has be something we can do."

I know, Hikaru. And your dedication to him is noted. But my hands are tied. Command is on my back. We have to follow the rules at this time. The Prime Directive is in play. I'm sorry.

"I understand. I hope."

***

_Transmission coming through, Captain._

Patch it through down here, Lieutenant.

*Jim sits at his desk in his quarters, PADDs scattered across it's surface. He runs a hand through his hair as the screen flickers*

Prime Minister.

_Captain. I hope I am not interrupting._

My time is all yours, Prime Minister Mattria.

_I have news you will be gratified to hear. Ensign Pavel Chekov and Doctor Leonard McCoy will be brought before the courts in two days time._

The day before the initiation ceremony.

_We desire to expedite this charge so justice may be served swiftly._

And yet you won't tell me what those charges are? My First Officer has been reading up on the laws in detail. May I ask if you will choose to punish them with the highest degree possible?

_You will learn the charges at the trial, Captain. As this was their first offense, the court will decide to what degree the punishment will be should it be proven they are guilty._

Except you have already decided that.

_Now, now, Captain. That is no way to assume about our culture. Have you learned nothing?_

Thank you for the information, Prime Minister Mattria. I have an incoming transmission.

*Jim stood and bowed, quickly shutting off the console with force*

DAMN IT.


	286. Transmission 2262.286

**October 13 th, 2262**

Spock, can we get that representative out here _any_ faster?!

“He is scheduled to arrive in two point two days, however his mode of transportation is currently the fastest he can travel on his way to the Buvarian home planet.”

Then Bones and Pavel are fucked.

“Jim- Ah.”

*Jim just gave Spock a weary look and sat down on the bed in their quarters.* I’ve failed them. In less than fourteen hours, I’ll have failed them because I can’t get them out of this. We’ve talked, we’ve bartered, we’ve bantered and bickered, and gosh darn it, I have fucking TRIED to get some answers, but even Command can’t do anything. We failed them. I failed my best friend.

“You have failed no one, Jim. You have not failed your crew and you have not failed in your dedication to this issue while handling all the other parts of your job that are so demanding. You have prevailed against all odds. You do it over and over again, never ceasing to amaze me. I see no failure. I see concern in your eyes for your friends, for your crew members. I see love for myself and for this ship and all her occupants. I see the weariness you are feeling. A resolution will be found. Do not feel disheartened. You have taken this very seriously, and no matter the outcome, both Ensign Chekov and Doctor McCoy would both be thankful for your perseverance.”

Thank you, Spock. That means a lot to me.

“I am always here for you.”

Of course. I guess the next best thing is to make sure the ceremony goes off without a hitch and we can focus on Bones and Pavel tomorrow.

“I do not see how –“

Oh Spock.

“Yes, I see your meaning. However I still do not understand what the ceremony going smoothly has to do with an old style hitch.”

Apparently I’m going to have to show you. Explaining it to you takes too long. An expression, nah. Get over here.


	287. Transmission 2262.287

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So done with long days at work. Today was insufferable!!!

** October 14th, 2262 **

Trial was postponed until tomorrow. Which demanded, fucking Buvarians, that the ceremony be pushed back a day. Fuck.

The weather turned stormy and every citizen of the planet took shelter. Spock and company were sent back to the _Enterprise_. I decided to stay down on the planet for more research.

I need Bones. I need my crew safe and sound. 

I miss Spock tonight. But I will be okay. He's been in constant contact via our bond. I love him. So much.


	288. Transmission 2262.288

**October 15 th, 2262**

Jim is-

“A self-sacrificing bastard.”

Lieutenant, I suggest desisting in such language aimed at your Commanding Officer.

“Commander Spock, you and I both know he’s a self-sacrificing bastard. I mean, look at him down there. He is going to willingly let this species take an ear, his bodily hair, and two of his toes because he took Chekov’s place for the crime of telepathic interruption. He would have taken _both_ of their places if they’d let him! Chekov’s in the ICU with M’Benga hovering over him because they beat my boyfriend to a pulp, and our Captain is about to be mutilated for a crime _none of them committed!_ Telepathic interruption, my ass. What does that even mean?!”

As the Buvarians are not a part of the Federation yet, we must abide by their rules. We do not always have access to their ways or their meanings. It is unfortunate that the treatment of Ensign Chekov and Doctor McCoy was handled so poorly. It is even more unfortunate that is has come to this. As Prime Minister Mattria stated, if Captain Kirk had been Buvarian, he would have lost an antenna or a sheaf of skin. However, Captain Kirk is not Buvarian. He is human.

“Guilty – Chekov – _Jim_ \- guilty. God, I cannot. Do they have any respect for us, for the Federation?”

“Commander Spock?”

Lieutenant Commander J’roba. Your presence is appreciated.

“And this is…?”

“Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu, Sir. Chief Pilot of the _USS Enterprise_.”

“Ah. Commander, in light of the recent verdict –“

It would seem the Buvarians already had a guilty verdict planned regardless of your arrival, Lieutenant Commander. Captain Kirk’s swift thinking saved Ensign Chekov, but not himself.

“Command is already aware of the proceedings. They request that the ceremony be cancelled.”

“You know that would offend them, right? They were so highly anticipating joining the Federation. Except I don’t want them a part of this Federation if they are going to do this to us. Telepathic interruption. What bullshit.”

“The Buvarian Prime Minister will be meeting with me after the sentences have been carried out. Commander Spock, I request that you be there with me so we may sort this all out.”

Of course. However, my duty lies with Captain Kirk and Doctor McCoy. Their safety is my primary concern.

“Dr. M’Benga will care for the loss of limbs and whatever may befall Doctor McCoy. Your duty lies with the Federation and Starfleet’s main goal of decreasing the tension within the Alpha Quadrant.”

“Shut up you two, they’re about to state McCoy’s sentence.”

_On this day, at this time, the fifth sickle of the eighth quarter, the time of the Prime Minister Mattria, the court has found Doctor Leonard McCoy guilty of telepathic interruption and his sentence will be as forth coming. He will be given the serum sickness to prove his worth._

_May now the sentences forth come be put into action._

_Take them away._

“Shit, shit, shit, what’s serum sickness?”

An inquiry will be made.

“Commander Spock-“

My duty is to my Captain and Chief Medical Officer. Excuse me while I find out exactly what is about to happen to Doctor McCoy. Please discuss with Prime Minister Mattria what you wish as our defense. Lieutenant Sulu, come with me.


	289. Transmission 2262.289

**October 16 th, 2262**

It’s the twenty third century and we still have no capability of growing back hair instantly. Bones should work on that.

“I believe Doctor McCoy has higher priorities than experimenting on hair growth at a time like this.”

Have you seen my head?! And my lack of one ear?!

“You are still my Jim. Your appearance is the least of my worries and the attraction is no less.”

Since you won’t let me out of my quarters and the ceremony to initiate the Buvarians into the Federation was postponed, how exactly is Bones doing?

“Dr. M’Benga is currently monitoring his recovery. As the serum sickness was a poison to the Buvarian species, the same ideology could not be applied to human physiology. Doctor McCoy should be recovered within the next forty-eight hours.”

Good. I need his expertise to get me a new ear. Somehow, I should have seen this coming.

I’m sure he is fantastically pissed. How the hell they got pinned for the crime of telepathic interruption, I will never know. Humans are psi-null. Interruption my ass. For a civilization that wants to join the Federation so badly, I’m confused as to why they convicted two humans. And on the eve of such a prized ceremony. They were so enthralled to become a part of a larger community across the quadrant. And now – they’ve sacrificed that moment. Starfleet and the Federation are going to have to figure something out. Cause, right now, Bones, myself, and – Chekov. Holy shit, is he okay?!

“Ensign Chekov continues to recuperate. His bruises are healing and his pneumonia is responding to treatment.”

Good. How pissed are the Buvarians?

“Their emotional status is undesirable at this time.”

Their fault. Okay, we need to talk to Command.

Mom, by the way, I’m fine, promise. We’re fine. Spock’s got everything covered. Now to clean up this mess. God. Help us all.


	290. Transmission 2262.290

** October 17th, 2262  **

They believe they have achieved justice, that we can put this behind us.

No.


	291. Transmission 2262.291

**October 18 th, 2262**

All I can see tonight is my best friend struggling to breathe and that damn laser cutter and – god, help me. Help us.

I can’t believe we ever thought they would be good and reliable members of the Federation. I respect their culture, but I mean – they poisoned my CMO and would have inflicted injury upon myself in place of Chekov. Sulu has been in a seething rage. Good thing we’ve headed _away_ from the Buvarian home planet. Command states that we are free to return to exploring uncharted space. We actually have some to pass through, so I think that’s where we will stop and regroup.

Bones is still in Sickbay – the serum sickness is considered poison to the Buvarians, but as Spock said at one point, it is a poison to the Buvarians and not human physiology. Dr. M’Benga summarized that it was part paralytic and part hallucinogenic. He’s woken up once, but it wasn’t intelligible. He’s not going to die, thank god. Chekov’s awake and should be released later today. Spock’s meditating right now and Spock’s replacement is on the bridge for the calm gamma shift.

I just can’t sleep with these nightmares.

It feels so hollow right now. Then again, I can’t hear out of one of my ears.

And I do _not_ look attractive without hair. They took it _all_.

Ah, Spock is ready for bed. Maybe I can sleep with him next to me.

Love you mom.


	292. Transmission 2262.292

**October 19 th, 2262**

The Science department is currently in the process of analyzing data and samples from Butrov’o II. While the President of the Federation has commended us for our honesty and perseverance, the Buvarians have currently been placed on probation. We will reevaluate within the next twelve sol months.

It is unfortunate we have had to leave far too soon. They were culturally revealing and a physiology that was new to our data banks. The loss of science advancement will be devastating, but perhaps we will continue to thrive regardless of our peace and admission with the Buvarian culture.

Their charges against two psi-null individuals continues to cloud my mind with confusion. Logically, telepathic interruption is impossible from two psi-null beings that were performing daily activities that were within their scope of command. I did not get a chance to deeply involve myself in the Buvarian’s telepathic and mental pathways, but my first experience at the joint conference was not unpleasant nor did it seem complicated.

Jim has been very concerned with Doctor McCoy’s recovery. He seems far more distracted as of late. I have felt his night terrors and the shadow of lingering exhaustion. He is wearing himself out. I must put a stop to this. Doctor McCoy must recover posthaste.


	293. Transmission 2262.293

**October 20 th, 2262**

Because NOTHING EVER GOES RIGHT.

What WAS that, Spock?!

“An unidentified ship, Captain. I presume we are dealing with Romulans or another space-worthy species that has the ability to cloak. However, Romulans do not have the ability to-“

Shoot and fire upon anyone without de-cloaking. Damn it. Are we ever going to get a break from people trying to destroy our ship?!

DON’T ANSWER THAT. THAT WAS RETORICAL.

Okay, move onto damage control and GET ME AN UPDATE!


	294. Transmission 2262.294

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEWARE - INTENSE SWEARING AHEAD.
> 
> What can I say, he's prone to it.

**October 21 st, 2262**

WHO WAS THAT ASSHOLE?!

“Doctor McCoy, your heart rate is elevated. I kindly suggest-“

DON’T KINDLY SUGGEST ANYTHING TO ME, GOEFF. WHO WAS THAT ASSHOLE AND HOW DID HE GET JIM?!

“We continue to analyze how our shields were bypassed. The technology seems to be foreign even to Starfleet and the concept is still variable. We are scanning all nearby space. Lieutenant Commander Scott is working on fixing the turbolifts and the fluid leaks as we speak.”

So you don’t FUCKING know what happened to him?!

“No.”

And we’re dead in the water?!

“Yes.”

“Doctor McCoy needs his rest, Commander. He’s still in recovery and his blood pressure is too high for my liking. My hopes are for you to find the Captain quickly. Lord knows he gets into enough messes.”

I do not need sleep. I need up and to get to work. Was anyone else hurt? God, Jim is out there without an ear. Why does this always fucking happen to _him?!_ And some fucking creep has him, took him right out from under our noses. WHAT THE HELL?!

“We are searching for a solution as quickly as possible, Doctor.”

Then WORK HARDER.

Did the creep say ANYTHING?!

“The full transcript has been recorded and is readily accessible. The language seemed to be only one Jim understood.”

*Bones opened his mouth like he was going to speak, and then shut it quickly.*

“Doctor McCoy, we are-“

I need that transcript. _Now_.


	295. Transmission 2262.295

**October 22 nd, 2262**

I’ve heard Jim speak that language before, in his sleep, to himself. He tried teaching me a few words, but it was considered a lost cause. I’m sure you’ve heard it, Winona. And I’m pretty sure you know how he knows it.

He learned it on Tarsus.

From Kodos.

Kevin knows it too, but he’s occupied with the ship at the moment. Finding Jim – is also important.

But the visual on the transmission – it isn’t Kodos. Not by a long shot. Not the same voice, not the same face, nothing about that person echoes the man who destroyed Jim’s childhood.

But I’m sure Kodos had lackeys.

God, I – Jim. Gone. _Again_.

This is a nightmare.


	296. Transmission 2262.296

**October** **23rd, 2262**

My T'hy'la's mind has been quiet ever since his capture unexpectedly. I am at a loss. There is - nothing. I feel the bond - it has not been severed. But it is distant and a growing heartache - a thriving headache is limiting my duties in light of Jim's kidnapping. We have nothing except Doctor McCoy's discovery of the language barrier. But Jim's location is a futile loss of searching. He could be anywhere in the quadrant, the galaxy, the universe. For all I know, he may be in an alternate universe.

I feel fear once again.

I am afraid.


	297. Transmission 2262.297

** October ** **24th, 2262**

They let me out of sickbay, but what good it does. 

I think I know where they took him. Spock's already ordered the Enterprise in that direction.

They took him to Tarsus. There is no other option.

Something is going on, damn it.

 _Doctor_ _McCoy_?

Riley. Yes?

_Security and Communications are gathering an incoming garbled message. We want you in on the translation._

Be right there.

Jim.

 


	298. Transmission 2262.298

** October 25th, 2262 **

We have to find the Keptin.

"We're working on it, Pav. As fast as the _Enterprise_ can go at warp speed 8.6 for a short period of time. We'll save him."

He has saved my life so many times. We must repay the favor.

"Navigate towards the lone barren Tarsus IV, buddy. Navigate forward."

Aye aye!


	299. Transmission 2262.299

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit the lowest in productivity yesterday. Didn't touch a thing. Barely managed work. So... no writing at all yesterday. Two updates today the 27th, but I haven't given up. I was tired of writing from my phone. Plus, I have a horrific cold. I hate being sick -_-

**October 26 th, 2262**

Winona-

 _Don’t WINONA!_ Me, _Leonard. What the HELL is going on?_

We’re thirty eight hours out from Tarsus IV. So far, Jim’s alive, but we have no real idea who took him. The face isn’t the same, the voice isn’t even the same of the message we got, even though it was-

_That damn language that he spoke solely for a goddamn seventeen months after that damn nightmare of a planetary visit. Damn it. Leonard-_

We WILL get him back, Winona. I promise you that.

 _He’s going to be the death of me_.

That I can very much agree with you on, Winona.

 _Alert as soon as you know something_.


	300. Transmission 2262.300

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DAY 300.
> 
> THAT'S CRAZY!!!

**October 27 th, 2262**

Jim is safe.

The _Concordia_ was near Tarsus IV and managed to intervene.

He is very _vocal_ within my mind at this time, and I am having trouble concentrating on anything that is not him.

He is safe. Be rest assured, Mrs. Kirk, he is safe.


	301. Transmission 2262.301

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do it once, do it twice.... crap. -_-
> 
> I'M NOT GIVING UP, DARN IT!

**October 28 th, 2262**

You know what I hate, mom? That everyone either wants me DEAD or wants revenge of some sort. And then they decide any time is the perfect time to do whatever they want with me, even if I’m busy being, I don’t know, a Starship Captain on a mission to explore unknown space.

And yet all those people forget that I have the best crew on the planet, even if the _Concordia_ got to me first. Which, is probably a good thing, because _that asshole_ was going for _both_ sides of the coin.

In which Tarsus is still the worst planet I’ve ever been to, and the place stunk, _still_. And spiders - *whines* _spiders, damn it._

The _Enterprise_ will be here in about two hours and they’ll take over. Captain Belaro has been most accommodating, especially with Crazy Mica’h.

Yeah, I never actually mentioned that name to you. I mentioned it once to that shit therapist I had. Crazy fucking Mica’h was the one who taught me Tarsusiania. The language Bones claims I still speak in my sleep. Spock’s been inquiring about it through our bond, but I’ve been avoiding that topic. Hmmm, so has Uhura through messages. Well, they should know I’m not saying a thing. Spock sleeps with me now, and he sleeps a whole lot _less_ , so I’m sure it’ll come out at one point.

The technology that that asshole had though – impressive.

Unfortunately, the technology was destroyed and he’s dead because of his own bomb making skills backfired on him. I’d say oops, but I feel rather okay with still being alive.

I’m so done with this shit. I just want to explore without people trying to kill me. Pretty sure this is going to look awful in front of the Admirals.

Hello multiple headaches.


	302. Transmission 2262.302

**October 29 th, 2262**

“You scared us, Kirk.”

You and me both. Thanks for the concern. And the rescue. Between you and me though, no one has actually been counting how many times I’ve been in trouble, right?

“Jim, dear, people are gambling on the number.”

Damn it, I know that was happening!

*Uhura laughs* “You are smarter than a few of them think, Jim. Don’t forget that. That’s why you’re Captain and they aren’t. And why you’ve become the youngest Starfleet Officer to Captain a Constitution class ship that’s the flagship of the Federation. It’s why you get _into_ all this trouble.”

Yeah, well, explain that to the Admirals. They promised a nice transmission call tomorrow morning with Spock and me in my ready room. Bones is still having a heart attack from my latest close call. I swear he has ulcers.

“He just blames you for the white hairs, Jim. Spock will start saying the same thing.”

But he’s going to outlive me. He can’t blame me for white hairs!

“The hair color of Vulcans stays its darkened color for a majority of the individual’s life. If there is premature lightening or whitening, it is a sign of illness.”

Spock, hi. *Jim wraps his arms around Spock’s waist.* I love you. I promise not to give you an illness.

“God, Spock, look at him. He’s like a puppy around you.”

“I see no puppy likeness within my bond mate, Nyota, however-“

“I’m going to leave you two love birds alone. I have a certain Chief of Engineering to check up on. He actually agreed to a date for once.”

TELL SCOTTY I SAID HI!

Aww, they’ll be cute together. So, what were we talking about?

“Puppies.”

Hmmm, you’re right, I’m definitely not a puppy, but I am madly in love, and so happy to see you again. I’m tired of being instantaneously transported against my will to another shitty planet and being almost tortured and killed. Hopefully things can calm down for a while and we can just have a moment or two. Bones, I’m sure, isn’t resting like he should be and is frantically finding a way to get me an ear. As for the hair-

“It is already beginning to grow back.”

Then what do I have to worry about? Come on, let’s just relax.


	303. Transmission 2262.303

**October 30 th, 2262**

Spock, tomorrow is the Terran holiday of Halloween. We need to make sure everyone stays focused. I’m going to need your help.

“All replicators have already been reprogrammed for the next forty-eight hours to disable any commands for alcoholic substances, Captain.”

Good precaution. But, I’m a little more worried about Mr. Scott.

“Inebriation is his favorite pastime. I believe it would be wise to entrust the help of his significant other.”

Uhura. Yes, I agree. Would you talk to her?

“Of course.”

See, mom, I can trust most of my crew not to get crazy drunk on Halloween, especially since a significant portion of them don’t celebrate. But Scotty is a special form who always requests the day off and manages to modify Engineering even when _not_ on shift because he’s drunk. I don’t mind a drunk Scotty – but we’ve had a lot of ups and downs this past year, and I don’t care to have him drunk right now, on duty or _off_ duty. So I’m taking precautions. Granted, it was Spock’s idea, but I don’t mind the suggestion.

I love my crew, but I need tomorrow to not be as crazy as every Halloween is.

It’ll be just my luck if I’m proved wrong.

Wait, I’m going to be, aren’t I?


	304. Transmission 2262.304

**October 31 st, 2262**

Scotty is _not_ drunk.

“No, but Chekov is.”

That you are right, Lieutenant Uhura.

“I tried to tell him no, Captain, but he insisted it was water. How was I supposed to know it was Vodka? No one should be able to down vodka like that. No one!”

“Mr. Sulu, be rest assured that any human being who is dead set on getting drunk will find a way to do it.”

True, Bones, very true.

“What’s in _your_ cup, Jim?”

Nothing of importance. And _no_ , I didn’t hack your stores, Bones. Now, did the science department cook up any candy or cookies, Mr. Spock?

“Experimenting on foreign substances we may do, however we are not the culinary department, Captain Kirk.”

Oh, psh, I know I convinced someone to make those special chocolate cookies just for you, Spock. It is Halloween, after all.

“That is not what I meant.”

I know.

“Happy Halloween, Captain!”

“I don’t even celebrate this holiday. But is there any candy?”

“CHOCOLATE COOKIES FROM THE SCIENCE DEPARTMENT! COME GET THEM WHILE THEY ARE HOT!”

Oh, I win!

“Captain, you do this behind my back every October 31st, convincing my science department to cook for you. It is of poor taste.”

Lighten up, Spock! They don’t mind doing it.

“Last year Science Lab 4 was covered in smoke.”

That was an accident. At least this year we haven’t blown anything up. And the cookies are made. I say, win win!

*A young Ensign walks up to the table that the group is sitting at in the Halloween decorated mess hall.* “Captain, did you mean to come as a lopsided elf?”

*Jim blinks* Really?

“You do kind of resemble one, Jim.”

And I’ll make you work in Engineering. And sleep with the Ensigns again, _Leonard_.

“The Captain’s health is optimal at this time, Ensign. His aesthetics are complementary. At this time, a new ear is being grown in Sickbay. Please refrain from making derogatory comments in light of his courageous acts for this ship. Do you have any further questions?”

“And Spock lays down the law.”

“I do not understand how-“

Spock, baby, it means Bones loves you. And so do I. Now, someone get Spock a cookie so I can get him drunk.


	305. Transmission 2262.305

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gees, November. I'm not ready for another birthday!!! -_- But I am ready for Horrible Bosses 2, Into the Woods, and 2015's Avengers Age of Ultron. AHHH!!!!

** November 1st, 2262 **

Hangovers suck when you have to get back to work. Thankfully I wasn't down for the count after my latest kidnapping, so I can actually get back to work. 

Next stop: um, space.

Lots of it.

Since the Buvarian species don't exactly get a welcome invitation into the Federation after that mishap - Bones says he should be ready to attach my new ear tomorrow. My hair is slowly growing back. Bones is obviously healed and Chekov obviously was drunk last night and no one was bitching. All is well - so we aren't doing any initiations for a while. Admiral Barnett said he would get back to us on that. For now, we are going to survey a few planets on our direct path and all should be good.

Oh, and Spock and I are safe by the way. We finally proved our worth. And our love. He won't give up on me, I won't give up on him, and we get to keep the _Enterprise_. I call that a win-win all around! The Admirals will no longer be hounding our asses. I feel better already.

Spock's asking why I'm not on the bridge yet. Psh, I should go enlighten his Vulcan booty.

Okay, that was creepy.

Love you mom!


	306. Transmission 2262.306

**November 2 nd, 2262**

Updates! Engineering, you start first.

“The _Enterprise_ is functioning optimally. We are down to two dilithium crystals after our recent Warp 8 expenditure, and the connectors were strained. I would find it prudent to find replacements when we can. However, the crew are exceptional and working above their capacity during their shifts. Overall, with a few tweaks here and there for updates, especially the warp core casing. Really, things are going much more smoothly now.”

Good. Thank you, Mr. Scott. Communications?

“All systems functioning normally, Captain. My staff continue to transmit and receive all messages, both direct and indirect. No concerns to report.”

Even better. How is the bridge navigation and piloting?

“Nothing to report, Captain.”

“All is normal, Keptin.”

Of course. Security?

“Currently the Security team is adequate. No emergencies noted, no one being secured in the brig at this time, and simulations are being run daily for preparedness for the next emergency. We are good to go for minor to major issues.”

Wonderful, you are doing good work Mr. Hendorff. Bones, how is Medical?

“Understaffed, overworked, and undersupplied.”

When we get to the next Starbase, we’ll resupply. And on my desk right now is three transfer orders for medical personnel. With your approval, of course.

“Good, because I can’t keep saving your ass without more help and more LIFE SAVING DRUGS!”

Yes, Bones, I know.

Okay, lastly, Science. Except I know Spock had to attend to a science experiment with his staff, so he couldn’t attend to this update meeting. They’re doing good. So, everyone, you can get back to your positions.

“Thank you, Captain.”

“Thank you, Keptin.”

“Your ear is ready, Jim.”

How long will it take?

“An hour, probably. Talk to Spock, I don’t want you on shift when I do it.”

I’ll contact him. Thanks. I’ll come your way when he gives me the all clear.


	307. Transmission 2262.307

**November 3 rd, 2262**

Spock, Spock, Spock, oh Spock.

It’s been a crazy year. From near death experiences for both of us, to Pon Farr, to officially getting married – it’s been a hell of an experience.

And I know it’ll last. If he’s worried I’ll leave, which he isn’t, then he has to know – I won’t. And he’s Vulcan. He’s not _going to_ leave. This bond between us is too important, too life sustaining. But it isn’t the bond or our connection of love that bothers me.

It’s the job.

I mean, look at us. How many near death experiences? I’ve recently lost an ear and was tortured. Spock’s had a lot of telepathic nonsense thrown at him. Being Captain and First Officer is a dangerous job, especially on the flagship of the Federation, of Starfleet. We all know the risks, we all accepted them. I’m not worried about what I stepped into. I’m worried about how we’ll continue to make this work as the Command duo of the _Enterprise_. It’s all I have ever been.

But I can only imagine what life would be like if we had a lot less – responsibility. Especially as a romantic pair.

It’s a lot to think about. It’s been a wild year. It’s been a wild ride, and we still have a few more years left on this crazy expedition.

I love him, mom. So much.


	308. Transmission 2262.308

**November 4 th, 2262**

Kirk is ridiculously busy today and on his way running from the bridge to a Jefferies tube, he told me to update you.

How cute of him. Isn’t he adorable, Mrs. Kirk? Such a good son, making sure his mom gets updated on all the happenings around here even when he can’t do it himself.

He’s still crazy. I swear, Spock and him are up to something.

But they aren’t doing it through transmissions or messages – I don’t see squat from them when I’m on duty. It’s all through their bond.

I’m not disappointed that I could have had that kind of relationship with Spock – he’s happy with Kirk, and that’s what counts. We broke it off a long time ago. Right around when I could tell Spock was definitely falling for Kirk. About the time Kirk died, really. I’m not disappointed in the lost romantic relationship. A bond sounds terrifying. Pon Farr sounds terrifying. How Kirk does it –

Well, I’m much happier with Mr. Scott. Monty is very sweet when he’s not drunk and not going on and on about warp core schematics and the coolant fluid. I swear, I could be an Engineer at this time.

But I digress.

Update for the day: it’s been a bit crazy. Communications has been really slow between outgoing and incoming transmissions and messages. My staff are very efficient. No run-ins with any unwelcome party. We’re headed towards uncharted space, so nothing very exciting is going on. Kirk is mostly helping out in each section of the ship, giving advice, and being hands on. He’s a great Captain like that. Very involved. It’s what makes him truly special and very capable for the responsibilities that come with being the head of a Starfleet Constitution Class Starship out in the unidentified areas of space.

Really, not much is going on. We are functioning smoothly.

And now I’m getting a flurry of messages. Excuse me, Mrs. Kirk.

Lieutenant Uhura out.


	309. Transmission 2262.309

**November 5 th, 2262**

Bones, Bones, Bones – do you know what today is?

“Another day in _space_?”

Well, there is that. No, but, it’s NOVEMBER 5TH!

“Your point?”

HISTORY, BONES, HISTORY! _Remember Remember the 5th of November, the Gunpowder treason and plot; I know of no reason why the Gunpowder treason should ever be forgot!_

“How the hell do you even have that shit stuck in that head of yours?”

I read a lot, come on. But, it’s a great government bashing day.

“We’re a part of the United Federation of Planets – we’re beyond bashing government. Plus, we’re in _space_ , Jim.”

But history is so fun. And it was all about bonfires and treason and WHAT WE TOTALLY CAN’T DO NOW!

“Now that’s a lie.”

Okay, true.

_Captain?_

Yes, Lieutenant?

 _Incoming transmission from Prime Minister Mattria_.

Ohhhhh-kay then. Guess I should take that. I’ll take it in my Ready Room, Lieutenant.

 _Understood, Captain_.

“Jim-“

I can handle this. Spock already knows were I’m headed. Just –

“Be careful.”

I got this.


	310. Transmission 2262.310

**November 6 th, 2262**

“Jim-“

Fuck what Admiral Barnett said. We haven’t given it enough time. We are _not_ going back there right now. Fuck, I don’t want to go back. And don’t you dare try to convince me that we need to for diplomacy. Barnett already attempted to order me to go back. But no. They harmed my crew and turned a shit as charge up against my navigator and chief medical officer. I _will not go back_. My hair is – regrettable. Bones finally got his strength back enough to do some medical science shit and get me a new _ear_. Or did you forget about that, oh high and mighty ‘I-have-a-photographic-memory’ _Vulcan_ , my _bondmate_ , hmm, Spock?

“I have not forgotten what transpired, Jim, however you are acting irrational. Regardless of their-“

 _Stop. Right. There_. I can’t with you right now. I’m sorry, but no. Try talking to Bones about going back to the Buvarians, see what _he_ thinks. Oh, right, he’d say the same things I would be saying. And you’d probably just write him off as crazy and uneducated. Not okay, Spock, not okay. Or tell Chekov he’s being irrational about going back to a planet that tortured him. Please, do insult my crew. They will appreciate that.

What, you have nothing to say to that?

“I was mistaken.”

That’s all you have to say? That, oh, you _might_ be wrong? Damn it, Spock.

No, never mind. We are not going back to the Buvarians. We will continue to uncharted space. I need a planet, some dirt, and oxygen. Or maybe a rock. Bones would love to repair broken bones in my fist.

“Might I suggest the gym, Captain, so release your anger?”

Aren’t you sweet – just – don’t. I need fresh air. I need the Admirals to actually shut up for once. Let me _do my job_. And I don’t need your condescension added on to the list.

I have to go.

“Jim-“

Not right now, Spock. I need – space. I don’t want to – ruin this. What we have. Because I’m going to if I don’t – I’m sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was about to say "so, I was born on the 310th day of the year", to which I remembered my birth year was a leap year, gosh darn it, I was born on the 311th day of the year.
> 
> Otherwise, productive day. This little adventure - the least of my worries.
> 
> GO JIM, GO! ;)
> 
> We got 55 more days to go. What trouble can this crew get into?!!! 
> 
> Key word: _a lot_


	311. Transmission 2262.311

November 7th, 2262

Space. The final frontier.

It seems even lonelier.

I miss you, mom.


	312. Transmission 2262.312

**November 8 th, 2262**

I had to switch around the schedule. Spock works after me. I just – it became too much to try to work together right now.

He just – won’t leave me alone. He won’t drop the subject about the Buvarians and it is so _uncomfortable_.

What went wrong between us?

*the door into the quarters Jim currently resides in opens and closes, a figure walking into the room, dropping a bag onto the bed.*

“Oh fuck, are you ill?”

I’m fine, Bones.

*Bones grabs a tricorder* “Stay still.”

Bones, _I’m fine_. I just needed some place to lay low for a while. I can’t exactly sleep in my own quarters at the moment.

“What is up between you and Spock? You haven’t crashed in my quarters for at least sixteen months.”

Nothing. Now, will you let me stay here for the night, or am I going to have to evict you to the Ensigns?

“You fucking slimy bastard. Yes, you can stay, I never said _no_. But I have got to know _why_ you can’t sleep in your shared quarters with Spock.”

Because we’re not on good terms right now, okay? Can we just leave it at that?

“Trouble in paradise. Okay, fine, but you’re going to have to explain at one point. “

Yes, mom.

“HE’S A NUISANCE, WINONA!”

Oh my god. And he’s somehow my friend. Ridiculous.

Trouble in paradise.

*Jim sighs, his forehead hitting the countertop.* More like hopeless.


	313. Transmission 2262.313

**November 9 th, 2262**

Eighteen hours until we reach a rather promising galaxy.

I just want off the ship.

After being – tortured and kidnapped and seeing Tarsus again and what is going on with Spock – I am worn out, mom.

Is anything ever normal?

No, scratch that question. My life is never normal. I mean, Klingons and Khan and _Nero_ , dying by radiation poison, being saved by a mad man’s blood, being kidnapped and tortured and injured more times than I want to count, watching Spock get injured, kidnapped, and tortured; watching my _crew_ go through all this shit – my life is a mess. Add to it going willing to be a sex pleasurer or to battle for my crew’s life or to willingly stand in harm’s way – I would do anything for my crew. They are my _life_. This ship is my home. And it will never be anything different.

And Spock – I wish he would see why I cannot willing go back to the Buvarian home world. My crew’s safety is at stake. I’ll go to any other Federation joining ceremony, and I’ll continue to do the job I have been entrusted to do as Captain of the _Enterprise_.

But I have boundaries.

And sanity.

I think.

I just want to explore. I need some healthy exploring time.

And soon.

 _Captain_?

Yes, Commander?

_May I meet with you in your ready room?_

Sure. I’m here now.

Funny, he didn’t decide to contact me via our bond.

Spock is strange.


	314. Transmission 2262.314

**November 10 th, 2262**

Welcome to uncharted space, where anything could be found and everything is made up!

“That is highly inaccurate, Captain-“

I was kidding, Commander.

Ensign, with the help of the Science division, please find the first viable Class M planet that looks unoccupied but sound and I’ll gather the landing party. I need fresh air.

“Aye, Aye, Keptin.”

“As it is my duty as your First Officer to remind you, our exploration of this part of space must be guideline specific. And as your First Officer-“

I know I’m not allowed to beam down with the landing party, _Commander_ , as we discussed multiple times yesterday. However, I will be going. And you can court martial me if you feel my disregard of one regulation is the tipping balance today. Because when I beam down, you’ll have the conn. Am I clear?

“Your argument has been acknowledged, Captain.”

Do with it as you like. I need outside. Have the conn. I need to see Engineering.

“Of course, Captain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I is alive, promise. Coming right up: catching up!


	315. Transmission 2262.315

**November 11 th, 2262**

Planet X832M of the Duvenar system. Class M, with crystal clear lakes of H2O, an oxygen and nitrogen atmosphere, and the funkiest trees around.

*the vid cam swings around from Kirk’s face to the landscape, revealing a spectacularly clear world of flaming red trunks and blue leaves of all varying shapes and sizes*

Quite literally – fresh air. It beautiful. I almost want to say everyone can have shore leave down here for a day. I think it is rather appropriate. However, the science team will have to run more tests for the next two days, but I think we can linger for a bit. I see no reason we can’t take a break. We all need the fresh air. It’s been difficult enough with – Spock and damn Tarsus and the Buvarians as of recent.

*Jim shudders* Enough of that. I came here to clear my head. Except, you know, not _literally_. But almost.

Spock’s still in my head, and he keeps _quoting regulation_.

Can he just court martial me and get it over with?!!! Because he is driving me _insane_.

Yet he won’t because this isn’t my first offense and it won’t be my last and _this has got to resolve_.

Sooner rather than later.


	316. Transmission 2262.316

**November 12 th, 2262**

Isn’t it all just so exciting?

“You’ve said that like, a million times now, Pav. She _knows_.”

But Mrs. Kirk hasn’t seen the land deposit results or the dirt samples or how the flowers gain their color from the rain, or how-

“Okay, wait, you love _space_. You’re a computer genius and the ships lead navigator. And you are standing next to me drooling over the science teams’ results from the past twenty four hours. Am I dating the same person who was kissing me two days ago?”

Oh Karu, do not worry. I still love you. But I love space more! And this IS space! It is marvelous. This planet is a rich, glowing example of evolution and its mastermind! I’m pretty sure this planet is so self-sustained with its nearby sun and six moons that it’ll last for millennia, like it already has surpassed hundreds of millennia. The rain brings minerals and vitamins to the plants, and when they die, it begins again.

“Except what is missing from the picture, Pavel?”

Lack of animals or a distinct civilization does not mean harm, Hikaru.

“No, but it begs the question – why isn’t a civilization living on this planet? If evolution is continuing, why aren’t their individuals to interact with? And why are there no animals?”

I-

“The land itself is alive, Lieutenant Sulu. Animal and wildlife, even a civilization, are indeed not necessary to continue the life cycle of this planet due to its unique cycle as seen by the rain and the plants and trees themselves. It would do you to remember that each life cycle is unique.”

“Of course, Commander.”

“Oh, he’s smarting today.”

Don’t get on his bad side. He’s already making the Captain cranky as it is.

“Do they even have casual sex?”

KARU!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And caught up!


	317. Transmission 2262.317

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How dead am I? Very dead.
> 
> I have few excuses, but mostly it comes to: SCHOOL SUCKS. MY ANXIETY IS HIGH. WORK SUCKS WAY MORE THAN SCHOOL SUCKS.
> 
> And I have just not had any time to think about space husbands.
> 
> However, I literally am ending that right now. I have 30 days to write about 50 entries. I can do this.
> 
> I'm sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. I just lost motivation and time and I've been sick (antibiotics needed sick) and continue to stay sick and work and lord only knows work SUCKS. I need a new job -_- And busy. My apartment stressed me out, my friend stressed me out, my parents....
> 
> In other news though, Chris Pine is killing my ovaries.
> 
> That being said, I will catch up. Wait for some shitty updates coming your way.
> 
> HELL IS COMING.

**November 13 th, 2262**

How is the botany lab handling the new specimens, Lieutenant Sulu?

“On schedule and with surprising non-incident as of yet, Captain.”

*Jim chuckled* No more sneezing flowers or exploding sap for us, I assure you. You scan everything that comes onto my ship.

“Of course, Captain. Also, Dr. McCoy reports that a few of the plants cultivated yesterday may be useful in creating back up medicines and antidotes for common illnesses in space. He is quite active in his research.”

He has a lot more time on his hands when I’m not stuck in one of his beds.

“You would be fifty eight point six percent less likely to end up in one of Sickbay’s biobeds if you followed regulations, Captain.”

Thank you, Commander. That concept is very much understood. However, even when I do _follow_ regulations, I still get hurt. As you would say, it is a part of the dangers of being Captain.

“The statistical analysis of your missions with injuries and your-“

Thank you, Commander, you are dismissed.

“Captain, he just-“

Lieutenant, you are also dismissed back to your station. Unless you have something of a pressing matter to discuss with me, I need to attend to my backlogged paperwork.

*Sulu glances over at Spock, and sighs. He gets up from his seat and exits onto the bridge from Captain Kirk’s ready room. Spock doesn’t move.*

“Captain-“

I said you were dismissed, Commander.

“You are willingly pushing me away.”

Holy shit, did you just say ‘pushing away’? How is that even possible? That isn’t in your vocabulary.

“If the only way to get you to discuss any subject with me is to resort to human colloquialisms and conversation like techniques that you are familiar with, then I will do so.”

And what exactly are you trying to make me see, Spock?

“Forgive me for my lack of insight. I have seen your mind, but I do not have the same experience. As you are unwillingly to openly bond and we are separated from our usual sleeping arrangement, I lack the necessary insight. I wish to earn your forgiveness.”

You have nothing to ‘earn’, Spock. You just have to remember I’m human. And I get hurt very easily. I have emotions. You – you really don’t. And whatever you do have lacks the ability to effectively work with me. Apparently we really have no idea what we got into. But you think I have to be all logical all the time. But I can’t. It isn’t possible. I work off instinct. I aim to protect. I aim to investigate. Explore. Do whatever it takes to save everyone. You know this about me.

Command had absolutely no right to demand our presence back with the Buvarians. And you know that. So just admit you don’t understand me and we can move on.

“I wish to understand you.”

Then we’re at an impasse. And I have work to do. You’re dismissed.

“As you wish, Captain.”


	318. Transmission 2262.318

**November 14 th, 2262**

Damn it, Jim, it’s bothering the crew.

“Wait, hold up – say that again. It’s _bothering_ the crew? How is my personal broken romantic relationship with Spock bothering the crew?”

Because you’re both are the top command on this ship and you both are at odds in everything you do, even on shift.

“I handle him pretty fucking well, thank you.”

You’re ruining it, Jim. I don’t even know how this fucking fight started, but you two have got to get your shit together.

“We will. When he agrees to actually give up on convincing me that going back to the Buvarians is a good idea.”

If you want, I can give both of you a psych check.

“GET OUT.”

JUST SAYING, JIM, JUST SAYING!


	319. Transmission 2262.319

**November 15 th, 2262**

Hey mom. Another day, another planet. It actually is reminding everyone of Mars. Red dirt and sand. Even red _water_. The science department is in a frenzy.

Bones won’t let me go down. Something about allergies. Which, I will begrudgingly follow the rules _just this once_ because I really don’t want to go into anaphylaxis. Tarsus really fucked me up. The radiation chamber didn’t help either.

I miss Spock. I miss the older counterpart who could help me with Spock. I don’t know what to do. I’m so – frustrated. By myself, by the situation, by how I’m handling it; I’m frustrated by how SPOCK is handling it. We can’t find a happy middle ground.

I just can’t lose him. Right? That’ll never happen. We’ll work this out.

I hope.


	320. Transmission 2262.320

**November 16 th, 2262**

“Here are the updates you requested, Captain.”

Thank you, Chapel. How is Dr. McCoy holding up in surgery?

“Stamina is adequate, Captain. Mr. Scott should survive.”

Never expected anything different from my best CMO. Thank you for the update.

Apparently I have some work to do on the moral and appropriate activities of my crew. Mr. Hendorff drank a little too much and got agitated at Mr. Scott’s _accent_ , of all things, and the glass my Chief of Security was holding got wedged into my Chief of Engineering’s abdomen.

Lacerated small intestine and the apparent much needed removal of his appendix. Other than a weary looking Spock once, I have never seen someone sober up and report to the brig for arrest faster than my Chief of Security. Mind you, it was an accident. Except I am going to have to work on the alcohol consumption that is obviously plaguing my crew after shift.

Calisthenics should come in handy. And a rigorous schedule. We must be bored.

Except SPACE. And RED PLANETS.

No actual species interaction. Animals, sure, but no Klingons or a new discovered living species like them. Not that we need more enemies.

You know what I mean.

My ship could not be crazier right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will gladly write a few more entries tomorrow 12/2. I feel bad for having totally given up for two and a half weeks, but mind you, I WILL do an entry for every single day this year, and it will go out with a bang. What I do for 2015 is still up in the air. (Depression has a way of really messing with my productivity... :/ )


	321. Transmission 2262.321

**November 17 th, 2262**

I think he’s gone off the deep end.

“That’s not the deep end, Carol. We’ll know it when he drops off the deep end. No, Kirk has been emotionally compromised – by Spock.”

It was going to happen.

“I figured it would. I mean, I’ve been emotionally compromised by Spock, but Kirk was bound to get there one day. I just – why this way?”

Their romantic connection lacks something.

“Hey now.”

What about you and Scotty? How is Scotty doing, by the way? Last I heard, Dr. McCoy was keeping him sedated because it was one hell of a surgery.

“Pain sedation, not because he’s an ornery patient. Which, have you noticed how many of the crew are ornery patients, especially with McCoy? Anyway, yes, it was an extensive surgery. Can’t believe it happened that way. Poor Scotty.”

Poor Hendorff. Kirk at least isn’t pressing any charges. Kirk has a heart, that’s for sure.

“At least he’s got some redeeming qualities, Mrs. Kirk.”

He’s a joy, really. We just all want him and Spock to make up.

“That’s gonna take work.”

A lot of work.


	322. Transmission 2262.322

**November 18 th, 2262**

We were scheduled to stay around uncharted space for a few more days, but with Scotty’s injuries and lack of certain supplies, especially in Engineering, we are headed to the outskirts of the neutral zone where Starbase 78 currently resides. Brand new, ready to help monitor Romulan movements. I’m so glad we no longer have to do neutral zone tours. Those _sucked_. So boring.

Engineering is being handled by me. Don’t think I’ve slept in – forty six hours? Bones is going to kill me, but Scotty was doing some upgrades and fixes with what he had on hand, and then he got hurt, and Bones is definitely not going to release him for even light duty for at least another week. Spock is running the bridge, which is perfectly fine with me. We don’t interact and I think that is best for now. He is definitely distant. Occasionally he inquires about my health and my sleeping patterns via are bond, but I’m – _I’m_ distant.

I love this ship. I love her motivation and her career goals. I love _her_ and everyone on her. But she’s getting up in age and things are needing upgrades fast. Bones is harping about medical upgrades, getting medications in stock, and supplies being restocked. I won’t leave any stone untouched on my way to making her shine. Engineering needs a clean-up and I know I’ve read the reports on Science suffering. We’ve been in the black forever it seems. And this five year mission is nowhere near over.

Gonna do my best. I need more caffeine, make a few calls to Command, and get back to Engineering.

Love you, mom!


	323. Transmission 2262.323

**November 19 th, 2262**

I regret my transgressions. I realize that Jim is not willing to listen to me because I have been just as stubborn as him. We have done this before, and I can only regret that it will continue for as long as we are in each other's company. However, he is my bondmate. I cannot let our disagreements get between us.

Except I have. And it continues to widen the conflict between us.

I am – confused. I have meditated often. I find that I may not have a choice in this matter.

He is my bondmate.

We entered a legal and binding marriage, as well as have joined by our souls – our minds. We are t’hy’la. We are also Captain and First Officer. We are – friends. We are t’hy’la – lover, brother, friend.

I must meditate.


	324. Transmission 2262.324

**November 20 th, 2262**

“You have a fever.”

I’m fine, Bones. Overworked myself. Please let me focus on these transfer requests. Rand will kill me if I don’t at least browse them and sign a few before we reach Starbase 78 and someone leaves without permission.

“I want to run a few tests. The fever might be-“

No. It’s because of Engineering. It’s a little warm down there right now. I’m making everyone take a maximum of three hours at a time so they don’t overheat themselves. As you can see, I’m doing the same thing. Catching up on things like important Captain work. Now, you came here for a reason, not to investigate about my elevated temperature.

“Scotty will live. Nyota may skin Hendorff alive, but you already knew that.”

Her boyfriend got injured. Hendorff feels awful. I’m not going to blame anyone. Now when is my Chief of Engineering coming back?

“Not for at least another four days. I just released him back to his quarters. He’ll have a nice scar.”

Of course. Okay, I can deal with that number. We reach Starbase 78 in about thirty six hours. I got your message about the equipment. I approved them.

“Thank you. Now, about you and Spock-“

Okay, definitely no.

“He’s moping and you’re sleeping on the floor in the Observation lounge. Jim!”

You kicked me out.

“Back to your SHARED QUARTERS WITH SPOCK!”

We really aren’t into the sharing of spaces right now.

“You two are acting like children.”

He started it.

“And you are dragging it out. I know you, Jim. Now get off your high horse, _talk to him_ , and then make the whole world a little bit better by easing the fucking tension on this ship. I’ve had two people come into my medbay today complaining about anxiety. ANXIETY, JIM, ANXIETY!”

Stop blaming me! If you have to blame someone, BLAME SPOCK! He’s the emotionless VULCAN!

“I swear I cannot with you. Where is the whole married, through the bad and the good, the emotions and the emotionless times? Where is the whole bonded pair and IN LOVE feel in regards to you two? Or is one more fight going to take you both down?”

*Jim glared at Bones* I don’t care to discuss this with you, Doctor.

“You are a stubborn idiot.”


	325. Transmission 2262.325

**November 21 st, 2262**

Okay, okay everyone. Let’s calm down and discuss this rationally –

“He’s a stubborn idiot.”

“Spock isn’t listening to me.”

“I still have stitches in my abdomen and don’t care to go around a frustrated, stressed Jimbo.”

“They’re married! It’s a marital dispute. They’ll be okay.”

“I don’t think so, Carol. This has dragged on far too long.”

Intervention anyone?

“It’ll never work.”

“He’s human, he’s Vulcan. Both are stubborn little boys wrapped up in love.”

Oh Chekov. That would be us. We are wrapped up in love.

“Oh Hikaru, I love you.”

“Boys, not here. This is a meeting about Kirk and Spock.”

“I could sedate them and lock them in the brig together. Let them bitch it out.”

“I like this plan!”

“They’d throw us off the ship for mutiny.”

“I’d rather face a court martial than let this marital dispute drag on any further.”

“We gotta do something.”

“I have a plan.”


	326. Transmission 2262.326

**November 22 nd, 2262**

I said my peace to Spock. I just want him back. Forget this craziness. We’re not going back to the Buvarians, that much is for sure, but we can’t just keep being at odds. I’m losing sleep and I’m pretty sure we’re both sick of the distance.

But –

I can’t do this right now.

I can’t talk about this right now.

It hurts too much.


	327. Transmission 2262.327

**November 23 rd, 2262**

We have reached Starbase 78. Crew transfers, unloading of some old parts, loading new parts, gathering supplies, organizing. Each department is busy and working hard.

I stretched my legs for a bit. Found a quiet corner on the Starbase and ignored my comm. I can’t exactly escape my crew on my own ship. Even if I hang out in the Observation lounge more often than not these days.

Command is pretty quiet about our next destination. Guess we’ll just head back out into unknown space. We need a few diplomatic adventures. I need to work on diplomacy. Then again, everyone needs to work on diplomacy.

Back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be back tomorrow, 12/3, but you should know I have the whole rest of the story planned out. It's gonna be GREAT! :) The year is almost over, how CRAZY!


	328. Transmission 2262.328

**November 24 th, 2262**

*Jim’s head hits the desk as the transmission comes up* He left.

He – he _fucking_ left.

*Tears are visible in Jim’s eyes as he stares at the computer terminal* Claimed he needed to take part in kolinahr. Needed to rid himself of emotions. Stated our bond was too _human_ , too many _fucking_ emotions.

He – he even _resigned_ from Starfleet. I don’t even have a fucking First Officer anymore. I just have – nothing. He’s blocked the bond and I can’t talk to him. He left on the only transport out early this morning. Headed to New Vulcan. Said kolinahr would be the best way for him to feel in control. Because somehow we were so far gone he couldn’t control _whatever_ the fuck he needed to control.

I lost him. I broke him.

This is all my fault. Spock is gone, mom.

He’s gone.

And I feel so lost. So alone. I’ve felt alone for so long.

And now the one thing I needed – the one person who has done so much for me and – god, mom, he watched me die. And his counterpart’s death in both universes. And his mother’s death. And all the hurt he has gone through.

And now he’s gone.

We’re broken.

Nothing I said this morning convinced him to turn back, to just let it be the past. He – he just wanted to get on with the process of ridding himself of his emotions. Fuck emotions. Damn them to hell. He’s fine the way he is.

*Tears streaming down Jim’s face, his hands shaking and clenching in and out of a fist*

We’re broken. So, so, _so_ broken.


	329. Author's Note

You thought it, I'm just saying it.

I failed. I'm so frustrated with myself, because life really keeps getting into the way. I lost my drive to write. I've become much more tired and fatigued. Partly depression, partly my own drive. However, while I will not have this updated and completed by December 31st at 11:59pm, I will finish it in due time. And then maybe I'll move onto some other writing. I mostly want to move onto reading. Star Trek books GALORE!!! lol.

So, loyal readers, I hope you won't kill me. And stick with me when I do officially finish this bastard. A lot has happened since January 1st, 2014 - HOW CRAZY. More is still to come. :) Maybe this gives you chance to go back to the beginning and see how Spock and Kirk have changed. And grown. And - faced incredible hardships.

Spirk forever!

Love, Danielle <3


End file.
